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MissK03's picture

So everyday I call SO when I'm leaving work. (We don't really text too much) I call him today, he tells me BM is taking SS17 out to eat because.............. drum roll...........

 

She will be in the area and thought she would ask. I laugh.. in the area??!! She lives 10 minutes away!! So, SO asks SS15 if he is going out to eat with BM. He says no. SO asks him if she asked him.. he goes no... Me: she didn't even ask SS15 WOW! SD13 Isn't home she's at my uncles with her BFF (his stepdaughter) 

 

Anyways, when SO is telling me this I assumed it was VIA text. When I get home we were talking about it and he said something (honestly forgot) but, i said oh she didn't text you.. he says no she called me. 
 

OKK, here is my problem. It reallllyyyyyy pisses me off when he answers her calls. I go why did you answer?? I try really hard to not let it bother me. I get it! They have to talk once in awhile etc. No big deal. BUT, are the kids in her care.. No, therefore no reason to answer a single phone call from her. If he didn't answer she probably would have texted and fine ok. 
 

So I get pissed. SO gets mad. "This happens every time." I go you really just don't get it. You don't. He goes I'm going to have to talk to her... NO SHIT!! You 100% don't need to answer a single call from her. I said when they are 40 you going to be answer the phone. He goes are they 40? I say, no but, they are not under her care so no reason too. 

He brings up well if she didn't text me you would be pissed. EHHH WRONG!! We were joking on SS17s birthday in July that she didn't text you when she took him out to lunch. His response (pathetic if I'll add) we'll because SS17 told me. SO WHAT MAKES TODAY ANY DIFFERENT!! Geeezzzzz. 

BM is predictable. Even though it was her and her husband that took out SS17. It will lead into something. (I'll add they went to a pizza place that is a dive with a bar) 

I know it's not that serious but, it makes me so f'n pissed when he answers her. Useless piece of crap that she is. Ya know, because it's easier for him to just answer. 

Comments

MissK03's picture

I'll add too that after I wrote this I went upstairs to switch laundry and SO is laying down watching tv and I told him after 3 years (first two I got along with BM) I go you don't grasp that the thought process you have by answering her phone calls is what actually hurts my feelings. I go, you look at your phone and swipe and answer for what? I said at this point, after what BM has done, said, etc. you should look at your phone when she randomly calls and be like nope and put your phone back in your pocket. 
 

He says sooo in a perfect world if she calls and then texts saying call me about maybe something school related I can't call her? I said no that's fine. I know you guys will have to talk but, today... no reason to answer the phone. 
 

Then, because I am who i am, I go you can't even take me out for f'n dinner but oh look BM is calling (for something that could have been a text) let me answer phone KNOWING it was going to piss me off. I go I don't get much appreciation (he does appreciate me I know this I was trying to be an asshole) but you STILL fill the need to answer. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I hear you - this would bother me too. Since the kids are with you, there is no reason for him to answer a call from her. While it may not be completely logical, it does hurt your feelings - so in my mind, he shouldn't do it. Maybe try and talk about it later, when you can keep your anger out of the conversation?

tog redux's picture

First off, why is she taking just one of her kids out, that sucks for SS15. But why can't she just text SS17 and make plans with him? He's old enough to let his dad know he's going out to dinner with BM.  The beauty of having older kids is that you no longer have to "co-parent" as much.

Are you upset that he answered the phone because she calls for no reason? (Just trying to get context).                                          

MissK03's picture

She hasn't taken all 3 of them out in like 3 years... only time they are all with her is Xmas eve. She only takes them out individually for their birthdays. 
 

Exactly he is. That's what happened for his birthday. BM didn't text SO on SS17s birthday. Him and I were joking about it on SS17s birthday. Then yesterday he says is she didn't you would be pissed. NO BECAUSE SS17 COULD TELL YOU just like his birthday. You starts finding excuses. 
 

Here is what it is... it bothers me that he is still "trained" to answer. That's what it's mainly about.  He doesn't get it. Literally no reason to answer. 

Floral_SM's picture

Years ago BM would only want to talk to DH via phone calls and it would annoy me so much too. 
I understand your frustration. Luckily her game playing has annoyed my DH so much now he refuses to speak to her these days unless he really has too. This is text by text too.
DH would answer a phone call from her though I think if she rung, but only to see what it is. I know if it's something like in your case he would shut it down pretty quick. He hates her so much, and she knows it too, so doubt she would even try. 
Has your DH told her about boundaries with the phone calls? 

Gimlet's picture

If I were raising someone else's kids, and making the commensurate sacrifices, and that person lived 10 minutes away and has no real reason why she doesn't see them or want to help raise them,  I would probably be a seething pot of resentment about her.

Does your DH not get that?  Have you made any progress on getting some alone time as a couple?  I know you had stated that it hasn't happened in a while, which is probably adding to your feelings about him responding to her.

MissK03's picture

I honestly want to copy and paste what you wrote and send it to him. "Seething pot of resentment towards her." Thats exactly how I feel. 
 

He does get it but, not to the full degree.. hence answering the phone when she called. 
 

I have had that talk him with him a few times now. He agreed with me but, it hasn't really happened yet. Actually in my rant the other day I said "I can't even get you to take me out to eat!" 
 

The 5 years I've been with him he has never planned anything. He brought me out to eat on my 30th. Picked the place etc. (4 months of dating) Now, if I said to him..hey (random day) lets go do xyz, he would said ok. He is never against doing anything but, planning something nice, apparently is clueless. Between my job, the house, etc I make a ton of decisions everyday, it would be nice to not make a decision once and awhile. Catch my drift? Lol 

Picardy III's picture

Does he pick up or respond quickly when you call or text him?

If he's more scrupulous about answering BM's phone calls than he is yours, that would be infuriating.
Not so much that he's wrong to answer her calls, as much as that it's a clear comparison showing how he devalues you.

Gimlet's picture

I don't blame you at all - you are going above and beyond here and you deserve every consideration he can give you.

You know, I listened to a podcast recently and I'll have to dig it up.  In one part of it, they were talking about how making small decisions for others when they are really stressed or anxious is a huge kindness.  I used to hesitate to do that because I am big on getting input, but once I listened to that a light went off.  So now when I see DH overwhelmed, I just make the call on what/where we're eating, etc. 

Do you think he might get it if you told him how much weight it really takes from you?    It seems like you're doing a lot of the emotional labor and you're just asking for him to take some of that on.