Reading all that was exhausting.

Every time you talk to your dh about anything of substance lands him into a poor me depressive big mood? Bleh. I know exactly how that crap goes. Turn it into a "your fault you shouldn't have said anything to him" walk on eggshells bs tirade. Been there, done that, said effff that shit. 

Seriously, it IS exhausting. Think he can grow the F up? Or are you just supposed to spin your wheels forever?

Happy Birthday! Sorry it was crappy reception from the skids and it hurt your night. They are very selfish for making it about themselves. I don't get how hard it is to say happy birthday??? Especially if you came home and SD sat there in silence. 
SS always gives me a hug and says happy birthday when we see them again, it usually falls on the week at BMs. They of course forget but DH reminds them. SD needs a bit more prompting. DH tried to organise a card last year because I got sick of the zero reception from the skids.. especially now I am their sisters mother. I think I deserve at least a 'happy birthday' when they see me. 
DH is so slack with making birthdays a big deal but it was nice to see the effort he made with them buying a card. SS wrote a nice message but SD wrote a sentence and didn't even finish it. She didn't sign her name either so it was a little strange but I was thankful for the effort DH did anyway. A card is more than enough for me from them. 
Maybe you and DH can do a dinner and movie by yourselves without the skids. It might be a bit more intimiate too. 
 

As for avoidance focused, kid coddling daddy... tell him to knock off his fake sad avoidance bull shit, find his balls, and man up.

Many wise Stalkers have repeatedly offered that "you can't care more than the parents do" as a key premise of SParenting.  That applies here. Stop remined the step spawn to recognize daddy's or anyone else's B-days. Let him realize the shit he has raised. 

I would add, DH needs to be dragged out of his crap by the short and curlies, have his nose repeately rubbed in the stench of failed parenting he has built, and be informed clearly that his focus is no longer on his failed family progeny and must now be on the marriage and on his mate.

His teen and adult children need to figure their own shit out.  The tear fest in the car and backyard was entirely designed to invade your birthday celebration and take daddy away from you.

Not something I would tolerate and for sure I would bare DH's ass and the SD-16's ass on it.

smh

After 40 years of being ignored on my bday and Christmas....guess what? I can play this game too. DH has to remember to send a check now (that's never acknowledged). If DH forgets, SS will remind him. You will get there...and although it stings a bit, and it's uncomfortable to not recognize him.....it gets easier.

Happy Belated Birthday!!

I agree with Yesterday... people that are not interested in celebrating a birthday.. don't get to enjoy the fruits of it.  So.. that dinner?  all those dang kids could have stayed at home eating a pizza.. I blame your DH (and you for lettihng him invite them.. that's a boundary for you now!) them to come with you.. seriously..  I mean.. are they normal loving and caring kids that you have a close relationship with? NO??? They why did they have to come?

Your DH could have easily left them some money to order a pizza or something.. and taken  you out to a NICE and romantic dinner.. I have no clue why your DH thought this shoudl be a family event.. when clearly you all don't really operate as such?

Which is fine.. you don't need to have people that you don't feel close with wish you a HBD.. it's just a hollow text anyway.. Next time.. make him make plans for YOU.

Happy belated birthday!

I hate birthday's personally but I get where you are coming from. It takes 2 seconds to simply say "Happy Birthday" and if you can't even warrant that much consideration from kids/young adults that are in your life- what is the point? 

I wouldn't include them next year. I wouldn't do anything for them (well maybe SS18 since he put in like 10% effort) for their birthday's or Christmas. I wouldn't do anything for father's day- they are old enough to figure it out. I wouldn't do anything for them for Christmas either. Your DH can figure it out. Just allow yourself to remove that bit of stress and connection and let them feel the consequences. Relationships are reciprocal. Even with your bio parents- if you cut them out of your life and ignore them, they don't send you gifts and $$. It doesn't work that way. 

You now know how to handle SK birthday 

Happy Birthday!!

Time to drop the rope with your skids and your husband. No more reminders. No more treats. NADA.

And don't include them in your birthday dinner ever again.

I am never disappointed on my birthday because I will do things for myself. My partner of 4 years has made the last 3 birthdays very nice, but he screwed up royally the first year.

He's not big on his birthday. He just wants to do what he wants to do. Okay. Well, I'm BIG on my birthday for various reasons related to my childhood and young adult life. It will be a time of pampering and doing things I like.

The first year we were together, after doing nothing for his birthday (at his insistence), he sends me an extravagant gift of an expensive carry on suitcase, but he sends it a month before my birthday which blew my mind since he had preached on being a bad gift giver and not doing stuff for birthdays. Then as my actual birthday approached, I asked to be taken to a particular restaurant that was 90 minutes away. He said it was "far" and would be crowded because it was a Saturday night. I said, "M'kay" and my co-worker and I drove there on a Wednesday night after work for dinner - we had a blast.

When he shot down the idea of dinner at the place I liked, I asked if he had another idea in mind. He said he hadn't really thought about it. M'kay. So I booked a trip to NYC for the day that Saturday. I wanted to visit a couple museums, so I booked the train for a solo day in NYC. When BF found out, he was bummed because he loves NYC. Oh well. He did agree to drop me off and pick me up from the train.

He learned that year that if you're going to be a dumbass about my birthday, I will make it special for MYSELF.

Since then, he's made a good effort and been very thoughtful. The 2nd year, he took me to the city of my birth for 2 nights. The 3rd year he took me to Pittsburgh for the night and we had a blast. This past year we spent the day driving through the country on a covered bridge tour.

But, I am always prepared to spoil myself if anyone drops the ball.

I think you'd be much happier if you didn't expect anything from his kids and didn't do anything special for them either. My own children were terrible at this kind of stuff until in their mid to late 20s. They all forgot to wish me a happy birthday on my 50th despite their father's birthday being the day before and he got happy birthday wishes. That year, I did not recognize ANY of their birthdays to show them how it felt. They've never forgotten since.

2 things that would upset me the most would be having them present for your birthday dinner at all and SD's drama fit. As far as them not going out of their way to celebrate you - meh. Teens are self-centered and if they were not raised by their parents to do things like that, they won't. Without training, most teens won't do a damn thing that doesn't serve their interests. Time to think about launching these guys. 2 of them are 18 plus and the 16-year-old isn't too far from it. They should get their own lives and then they won't be a constant part of yours. 

Why are you wasting your bday with these ppl?

None of the steps or my husband ever remember or do anything. Surprisingly, i have organised bday parties for them and reminded them to send texts. My husband claims its because he used to be in a cult and they never celebrated bdays and the steps only do things for their mothers. I dont even get a text

Every year, i travel for my bday or visit my family or take off and take myself out.

I would shudder to think that I have to spend these precious moments with ppl who hate me and dont care about me. Your SD literally made the entire evening about her and your husband has an attitude towards you and wants you to apologise? 

This is the definition of being matrixed out. Get in the real world, normally he would be in the dog house and doing everything he can to get back in your good graces and his daughter needs to take her ass to her mother since she wants to call her and cry on the eve of your bday

IMO, your SO does his Eeyore number because it works, it gets you off his case. Same thing with skids who weep and throw tantrums - it gets them what they want. 

Try telling your SO how pitiful he is when he pulls the depressed stunt - then tell him that pitiful men don't get laid because they are too pathetic to be desirable ... Then walk away and let him think about it.