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Why I wrote what I did about Father's Day

missgingersnap2021's picture

I come on here when I am upset. I mean really no one comes on here very often to brag about how awesome their husbands and skids are. When things are good we just dont post. 

I posted this past Wednesday becuase SD was here and was back to following DH from room to room. It drives me crazy when she does this and that I dont get even 30 minutes alone with DH some days she is here.

Of course DH was to blame for this. This is what he did:

a) When she first got here and was in her room her told her to come in the office and sit in there while he finished up some work.

b) Before dinner he says "I'm going outside to grill if you want to join me". 

c) After dinner when she was upstairs he yells up  "SD do you want to watch jeoprady?"

d) After that he says "Im going out back to sit for a bit. SD do you want to join me?"

e) When she goes up to shower "SD do you wnat to play cards after you get out?'

I just wanted to puke! Its like he was butt hurt she has been so busy the last month with graduation stuff that some weekends she has just breezed in and out all weekend so he was like a needy puppy this past Wed. needing her up his ass!! Meanwhile I was sad Wednesday knowing that all the parties and other things are pretty much one so the rest of the summer she is going to be sitting around doing nothing whe she is not with her boyfriend (Who by the way will be bsuy. Hes working, taking summer classes and on a baseball league). Havingher gone so much of the weekends she was here was so awesome! 

I was also just so pissed when I thought about how for the past 3 years we had to celebrate our anniversay before or after the acual date but God forbid we celebrate Fathers day on a day she is here normally. 

And yes I really do feel bad for fathers with PAS kids (or as I call them POS kids!) 



caninelover's picture

At this point you need physical separation for longer periods from SD to calm your thoughts.  Every time she's there and DH is overly needy with her, it seems to bring all your hurt back and it is like emotional death by a thousand cuts.

Unfortunately I doubt you DH will be on board with less time, more limits, or even changed behavior with SD.  He clearly doesn't see his contribution to the problem.

I hope you've made some progress with understanding what your marriage separation options are with a lawyer, and hopefully finding a therapist for yourself?

Rags's picture

and their blended relationship partner.

It was for us during the 16+ CO visitation years.  It was particularly difficult on my DW. At least it was until SS reached the Tween and Teen years.  She flatly refused to do any vacationing when SS was on SpermClan visitation.  She had some sense of guilt about him not being there if we were doing something fun. 

After attempting to be both supportive and trying to motivate some change in perspective regarding us doing things for us when the kid was SpermLanding I finally told her I was going on a trip with my family and though I wanted her to come with us, I was going regardless.  She agreed to go on that trip.

That broke the seal on denying ourselves while SS was on visitation.  I did make sure that if we did something while SS was on visitation that we thought he would like we would do it when he got home. Mostly, we were able to make that happen.

IMHO couples have to put each other first and that includes keeping kids, regardless of kid biology, in their lanes.  When one or the other partner calls for couple time, at any time, kids drop off and it is couple time. PERIOD! DOT!  

I would find it extremely difficult to remain civil if I was in a situation where my mates prior relationship progeny was hanging on them constantly and I did not have us time when I wanted it.  The results for my mate would be far worse if it was my mate who was the instigator of the constant following by the Skid. Regardless of age.  When told to go entertain themselves, etc... kids should have no choice but to do that and do it immediately.  Woe to any partner that ignored that inviolate demand from their mate.

Minor children are the top relationship responsibility for both partners in that relationship, regardless of kid biology. However, the mates and their relationship are the sole top priority.  Kids are not.

IMHO of course.

ESMOD's picture

Rags.. I don't necessarily think that a bio parent has to drop their kid like a hot potato when their partner says "jump".

It is all about balance.. and while it might seem that a SK might be taking more of their parent's time and focus during visitation.. unless that child is a FULL TIME resident of that home.. I can see a parent wanting to make what time they do have with their kid count.  If you only have visitation EOWE and one day a week.. that means that is somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 days a month.. so 2/3 of the time, the kid isn't living in the home right?  and theoretically, that partner has that other time to make their spouse feel important. 

My DH was able to spend time with his kids.. when he had visitation.. and even make daily calls and text his kids yet was still able to make me feel like a priority.. sometimes it's also how someone looks at their glass.. 1/3 empty.. or 2/3 full right?  I saw the majority of my time was with my dh.. and with a few small inconsequential interruptions.. he was with me most of the time.. but that was my "full glass" perspective and since I didn't view his attention to his kids as hurtful to me? I didn't feel unvalued.  In this case.. I think her DH has done a poor job of integrating his wife and child into his life.. and who knows if it was the chicken or egg that caused the current situation.. him feeling MSG's uncomfortableness (or his daughters).. or whether those things came out of him handling things poorly... he definitely has failed in his role as partner though.. because his wife does not feel important to him.. and while she puts the blame on his daughter as the reason.. I have a feeling it's more on him.. than on anything the girl does or doesn't do.

Rags's picture

an indicator of her DH's failure toward both his wife and his kids as far as a balanced approach is concerned.  An interesting element that stood out to me is that it is the DH that is firmly attaching his teen daughter to his hip. This is apparently not the kid latching onto daddy.  Unless I missed something.

When there is balance there is not a regular need for a parent to cut their kid off and jump to the partners needs. And vise versa.  My guess is that communication is not a strong suit in that situation.

Though I generally do not see a problem with a mate playing the trump card for focused mate time. 

All subject to the various events in play at any given time.


NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

This would bug the ever loving crap out of me.  This is enmeshment.  This isn't healthy for your SD.  The goal of raising a child is to make them into self sufficient, emotionally healthy, productive adults that can fly, fly, fly out of the nest into the big, big world and have their own meaningful lives which will you be one part of.  It's like he has no need for you other than physical needs.  You are second choice for companship. He doesn't wish to build a family unit with you.  That is obvious when you try to interact and engage with SD.   If this were me, this relationship would be unacceptable to me.  

I want better for you.  I want more for you.  

I have a 17 year old daughter.  My exhusband was the stay at home parent when she was born.  She loves me but she is his world.  He would bounce her in his arms as a baby and they would both glare at me when I came home from work and wanted to hold her.  She came over last week on my non custody day and she asked if she could spend the night as she had gotten in argument with her.  The argument was because she was supposed to go work her hostess shift and he wanted her to hang out with him.  She has friends and a life and ajob and is pulling away and he wants to pull her back.  I thought about you and your situation.  They aren't as bad as your husband and SD but i told her she was right to be irritated.  

reedle2021's picture

That was exactly how my ex husband was with his son.  His ADULT son.  Gross.  We would be trying to watch a movie and he would call to his son, "Hey son, come out here and watch this" or whatever.  Whatever activity husb and I were doing, no matter how minor, daddy had to have manchild involved.  He would also refuse to do anything like watch a movie or go anywhere when manchild was at his mom's house.  Now, if he hardly got any time with his son, I wouldn't be too bothered, but manchild was at our home 24/7.  In my opinion, manchild was home with daddy all day and when I got home from work, that should have been couple time.  But, in the end, hubby persisted with the enmeshment so now, I'm gone and much happier for it. 


Stepdrama2020's picture

I think at this point you realize that your exit plan should be firmly in place.

I feel sad for you. You have a big heart and what you want from DH is not unreasonable. In fact it should be a given that your husband adores, cherishes you regardless who is around. When SD is around you are supposed to be invisible. I have noticed your blogs are getting more sad . You deserve happiness hun. Believe in yourself.

As another poster said you deserve more. 

I would fine tune that exit plan.