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Seriously can’t figure out what comes first

missgingersnap2021's picture

The chicken or the egg!!

Do I dislike DH for how he is as a father or do I just truly dislike SD17?

All I know is it is ANOTHER Wednesday night that she is here (252nd since we married but who's counting?) and I'm just so fucking annoyed!!! 

Found out she is only babysitting one day this week for 3 hours and next week again for only one 3 hour shift. DH hears this at dinner but yet says nothing! How about instead of her sleeping in on the days she sleeps over he suggests she goes and looks for a job??? ( fyi she never  applied for the smoothy job)

Then when I went up just now I said to her " If you still have you "friend" please take you garbage out to the garage can in the morning. I had to do it on Monday. ( she slept over this past weekend and her garbage was full of tampons and pads). Instead of " oh I'm sorry I forgot " I get "Yeah I forgot". Next time I'm putting it in her room next to her bed !!! She has 3 chores! Make her bed, do laundry on the weekends she is here(aka 2 times a month) and empty her garbage.  again only 2 times a month) !!!

im sorry but little things like this just makes me hate both of them!!!


missgingersnap2021's picture

Oh and earlier DH came down the stairs and saw the front door wasn't closed all the way . He says to me "umm did you want me to close this all the way?" I said I haven't been near the front door all night. I should  have said "SD was the last one in" (which she was and he knew this) but what does he say? " oh I must have not closed it tight when I went out to my truck" Jesus Christ! Just admit your precious  daughter did iir!! He always not only closes the door tight but locks it too.

Then just now when I suggested he tells her to wash her sheets soon ( she hasn't done them since the beginning of January ) he tries to tell me she did them a month and a half ago and gets annoyed and goes upstairs. She can be a nasty pig at her mothers but the bed in her room is going to be with us as a  guest bed for a very long time and the comforter set on it is mine.


Survivingstephell's picture

Take your bedding  set back.  If you know it will get wrecked and still allow it to happen then you have no boundaries.  What happens when you don't stand up for yourself ..... you're living it.  Actions speak louder than words.  

Winterglow's picture

No, don't put her garbage can next to her bed because it won't bother her. Leave it in the kitchen where she left it andmake sure your DH has to put it out and that he sees the contents. THAT might get a reaction. Few men can cope with bloody pads and tampons. 

Steppedonnomore's picture

You are at the BEC (B*tch Eating Crackers) stage with both your DH and your SD.  Anything either of them do when they are together annoys you.  You mention that the bed in her room will be the guest bed for a very long time; does that mean you've decided to stay?  Remove the comforter set today.  

missgingersnap2021's picture

No. It means That bed is mine and will be with me no matter what. The bedding will be thrown away of course I will buy new but I still feel like the actual mattress gets nasty if somebody sleeps and sheets over and over and over without washing them. Of course I do have a mattress protector on it too but still

ESMOD's picture

To be honest... if the sheets havent' been changed since January.. I don't understand why you haven't washed them yourself.  If the mattress and bedding set belongs to you.. don't you have the ultimate responsibility and most skin in the game to make sure that they aren't ruined. 

Yes.. she should be doing her chores.. but the person who will suffer the consequences if they aren't done is YOU... I would certainly have washed those sheets at least once a month (which in her case pretty much equates to weekly washing right.. 8 nights a month).. or at least every other month.

Again.. I understand it's supposed to be her job.. but allowing your mattress to be ruined is kind of cutting off your own nose to spite your face. 

you don't have to make a huge deal.. just strip the bed and wash them.. put them back.. and go on with your life instead of smoldering over it... and allowing your posessions to be ruined.  this is something you can choose to be a problem.. or simply deal with it and move on.

But, I do agree with the BEC thing.. that's where you are.. they can do no right.. and you look for negative in every small interraction. that's no way to live. 


Stepdrama2020's picture

I think i would wash the bedding, as Esmod stated. BUT no way would I put it back on. Let SD do that, or more like daddio will but whatever.

Just have a simple conversation with SD, bypass big daddio. Let her know this is a good mattress and hygene matters. It takes two minutes to strip the bed and then throw it in the washing machine. I did it for you this time, but you can make up the bed. You can add sarcastically I know you must be EXHAUSTED from all that babysitting but it still needs to be done LOL..I wouldnt say that but dang I would want to.

Need be leave gentle reminders with a note on her bed. Do not give a flying fluck what DH thinks.


missgingersnap2021's picture

Honestly her "forgetting" to empty her garbage is what pissed me off the most! That and DH saying to me when she's not around "I'm going to have to crack down on her getting another job". But then as usual says nothing to SD. 

stepmomnorth's picture

Agreed but then she'll probably sleep just directly on the mattress with no sheet at all probably... Due to laziness thats how teens operate sometimes, but i guess then you'd have the right to ream her out and make her do it, lol. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

I never thought of that , yuck. You are probably right.


ESMOD's picture

Of course she would.. both of my SD's would have done that..   I figure if I have something to lose by it not being done.. that's not a job I would trust to someone else anyway.

BTW.. while I think it's fine to expect her room to be tidy.. I wouldn't be all that twisted up about chores when the kid is only there like 8 days a month... and not all in one stretch.. several of those days are school days.. several she would be coming or going.. 

I also would stop caring whether she has a job or not.. apparently it is NOT all that important to your DH or his EX that she be working and "productive" this summer.

In the end.. it's just a hill that there is no point in dying on.. and you can't care more than the bio parents.  She is with her mom more than her dad.. so I'm guessing mom doesn't care either.. 

I know that from your POV.. if she isn't working more.. she is going to be "at" your house more.. and you want her to be out of there as much as possible..

I don't know if she picked up on you or her dad maybe thinking the smoothie job wasn't good because she acted lazy about it. (honestly, I 100% see why someone would want a job that paid and didn't require a lot of work.. it's not necessarily being lazy.. but why work harder than you have to to earn money right?).

Bottom line is she isn't your kid and won't be raised to your standards.. and her parents have the right to have whatever expectations they want for her.  Sure.. a summer job can be good experience... but I"m kind of in a place myself right now.. where I don't see the hurry to join the rat race.. we will be working for thankless companies soon enough.. for a long long time.. lol.

stepmomnorth's picture

If I'm to be honest probably at this point I'd turn into boss bit¢h lady and just lose it on both of them... Cause what does it hurt really. Either it helps or it doesn't but what does it matter even at this point. 

gostodetea's picture

Otherwise, they will ride you like hell. Take care of yourself and let your SD saddle her father. It's easier and funnier that way.

AgedOut's picture

make sure you aren't omplaining because you want to complain.

but if the bed issue really bugs you strip it, fabreeze it, flip it, buy cheap sheets and a mattress cover (plastic is best for this point you're trying to make). put only the cover on then leave those other items folded on the bed for her next visit. 


I just think since her folks are good w/ the work thing, it's not worth you working yourself up over it. the only one working themselves into a froth is you. it's not healthy for you