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SD17 waking us up upset about “mommy”

missgingersnap2021's picture

So I am trying really hard to enjoy moments with DH. I haven't 100% decided our marriage is over. I am working on an exit plan  and I have started to talk to a lawyer just to see what's what and I am looking to find an affordable close to home therapist for me. But in the meantime I am still trying to work on our marriage. This weekend we did not have SD and we actually had a really nice weekend until 11:15 PM last night. 

I was actually so excited to go to bed last night because he was going to bed with me at the same time which rarely happens (I usually go to bed before him)  and I had taken a cold bath which helps me get into a nice deep slumber when he gets a text at 11:15 from SD. Why? Because she was all upset that she had just gotten home and mommy wasn't there. She is two months shy of turning 18! Do you think DH said to SD something like "it's fine.  I'm sure she will be home soon. Just text me when she does get home". Nope!!!  DH decides to send his daughter all these texts probably saying how awful the mother is and how she should be home blah blah blah and he ends up texting the ex telling her to get home.

I'm just so over how he loves it when SD turns to him upset about BM. BM doesn't go out that often where she's not home before SD gets home. it's a holiday weekend and she probably had a party that she was at. Also SD sleeps there 20 nights a month versus 8 nights here.  What??? Do SD and DH think BM has to live her life 24/7 around when SD is there???

And  of course what really pissed me off is that he kept this going for over half an hour but didn't get out of the bed and go to another room.I laid there awake because of the light from the phone and he looks over at me after about 20 minutes and says " so am I bothering you? You can just put your face mask on.0 ( I don't sleep with a sleep mask on I put it on for about an hour in the morning while he gets up before me and is getting ready so I'm not bothered by him turning lights on ) And meanwhile the entire time this was happening he didn't say a word to me so I had no idea what was happening. It wasn't until this morning he decided to tell me what it was all about. I'm just so tired of him not opening up to me at the appropriate time. All I needed from him last night was "I'm sorry baby SD was upset that the ex wasn't home"



stepmomnorth's picture

I agree with you, it's obvious that he should have handled this differently, told his daughter to text bio mom, rather than him doing it. He enjoys coddling her.. He likes the attention and helping out. He gets way too involved.

Did you ask him who he was texting? Cause it's rude to be in bed at night time with your spouse and be texting someone but not tell your spouse who it is or why. (IMO). Seems like a pattern of his is to act immature, not communicate what's going on and then be mad at you afterwards when it affects you and you are annoyed at his behavior. He deals with his daughter in a way that is very frustrating, annoying, coddling and I'm willing to bet he knows how he acts bothers you so he hides it for this reason. 

missgingersnap2021's picture

I knew it was SD texting him because I know her text tone. He has special ones for her, me,the exetc. I didn't know he also texted his ex though until this morning. It's just so frustrating because I want to tell him what I think about how he handled it but I can't. If I do he'll just get pissed off and say it's none of my business.

He did say as he was leaving for work this morning "sorry that you got upset last night" or something to that effect. If he brings it up when he gets home I'm just going to  say "from now on if you want to  text your daughter until almost midnight just please go in the other room."


Exjuliemccoy's picture

That sort of b.s. narcissistic non-apology would infuriate me.

MissK03's picture

Wait.. he texted BM and said what? Why are you not home? I'm sorry... if BM (now) ever texted SO questioning what we were doing... that would be a big hell to the no.

DH had no business texting BM. If I was BMs BF I would be pissed. 

EDIT: BM used to blow up SOs phone in the beginning of our relationship because she couldn't handle a f'n thing on her EOWE schedule. So that's a trigger for me. Your SD is going to be 18 years old.. Ginger she is no where near where she should be emotionally UNLESS she just wanted attention from DH and used BM not being home as an excuse.. I agree with others how that could be a sign of DH starting to successfully PAS SD from BM.

I mean seriously.. her mom can't go out?! She has to text Dad about it... then BM catching shit from DH.. no no no. All of it. 

Winterglow's picture

He has lost contact with reality. His daughter should be able to face being alone occasionally. WTF didn't she call her mommy if she was worried about her? WTF doe he think he has the right to call another adult and tell her to go home?! Seriously?! I really hope that BM gave him an earful that left his brain ringing. Good grief. There is just so much wrong with all this, not the least being him badmouthing BM to his daughter. He should be ashamed of himself.

As for continuing to text while still in bed and expecting you to take measures ... no, just NO! How effin' disrepectful can you get? OTOH, there was nothing stopping you asking him to have the common decency to go to another room and let you sleep. We've been nagging you for ages to speak up for yourself, it's time to get started with that!

missgingersnap2021's picture

I know I'm beating myself up for not saying more last night. To be honest I honestly thought she was texting just to say she'd gotten home and to say good night and that was going be it. Then one thing led to another and he was on the phone back-and-forth for over half an hour. I did say at one point "do you need to get up and call her?" And he said no. 

I sometimes struggle with how I'm feeling. Like if I'm making mountains out of mole hills because I'm just so frustrated and unhappy and that what he's doing isn't wrong but when I post on here all of you do ,for the most part, back up my thinking that what he is doing is over the top and not normal

Rags's picture

Instead of a question. Make it an instruction.

"Get up and go deal with this in another room. I am trying to sleep."

Survivingstephell's picture

So it sounds to me , after reading this and remembering all  the  other posts you have made is that HE is trying to alienate her from BM.  It's not horrible that BM wasn't home but if that's the message he was sending SD, then he is way more tied up in interfering in the mother daughter relationship.  He's always available to SD, at the expense of a relationship with you.  He has another project more important than anything else and that being better at parenting than BM.  Look at your history with him thru the lense of him being the alienating parent.  So many on here are living with the consequences of PAS coming into our homes , but you might be just the opposite, with the parent sending it out, changing the whole focus of your home.  No wonder you can't make headway with him.  

missgingersnap2021's picture

That's exactly how I took it last night. He says constantly things like "oh SD will always be up her mother's ass." " Her mother will always come first "etc. etc. and I think he's jealous and doing anything he can to put a little wedge in their relationship. But at the end of the day a daughter will always always love their mother and all he's doing is ruining our relationship.

and the thing is he was never like this when I first met him. I would hear him talk to his daughter about the acts and he would always say positive things he never try to pull this shit. If he had I wouldn't have been attracted to him. He also always tried to encourage her to meet the exes boyfriends and be nice to them. But now he calls BMs boyfriend white trash. Keep in mind DH has never even met this man. 

I feel like I'm trying to hold onto a marriagethats unraveling at the same time he's trying to hold onto a relationship with his daughter that is slipping away from him and we're both unhappy. 

Winterglow's picture

It's time he realized and learned to accept that all that is happening is that she is growing up and being less dependent on her parents is part of that. He sees her growing independence as a sort of treason (how does he feel about her bf, BTW?). He wants to keep his illusion that she's still his little girl. I suppose him not pushing her to get a job, to do her own research on colleges, to be capable of looking after her self (cooking for herself, cleaning up after herself and so on), etc. is just part of this.

missgingersnap2021's picture

Yup!!! And all these things he's doing (or rather not doing) is what's making me lose respect for him! I think that's what's making me so sad lately. Looking back I thought he was an amazing father when I first met him. And I really thought we could have a good relationship and not have the typical problems that step life brings. But it is just  ridiculous how he's acting since she turned 16!!

Oh and as for the boyfriend-  he likes him. They grow up together and have known each other since kindergarten. And his parents are really good parents

Winterglow's picture

In other words, he hasn't grasped the notion of what a boyfriend actually is. In his eyes, he's just a playmate. I think it might be very revealing to ask him if his daughter is on birth control. After all, he thinks her mother is incapable so somebody has to be the responsible parent.... 

dragonfly878's picture

He doesn't tell you in the moment because he doesn't want your input (I deal with this with my DH routinely). It's disrespectful. I'm disengaged so the sky could be falling with SS and unless it impacts me or DD- I don't want to know.

missgingersnap2021's picture

Of course he doesnt want my input. EVERYTHING he did last night was handled wrong! His need for his daughter's attention was all that mattered though. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Guess your DH has none when it involves SD somehow.

Yea I agree with above BM should be livid about DH texting her. Not his business, but then again this is the same guy who was worried about SD picking up takeout in a car right?

Ginger each blog shows your sadness. DH needs help. My gawd SD is 17.

I hope that something gives soon. Keep working on that exit plan hun. Surely that would give you hope for a better future. I know you have hope for you and DH and that is to be admired, but also you are facing the reality.

Kind lady you have so much to give, so much life to cherish, remember that.

Kaylee's picture

Pathetic that SD had to message Daddy all upset because Mummy wasn't home. How old is she? 17 or 7??

But your DH has created this situation for sure, by being unwilling to let baby girl grow up.

As for BM, I hope she told him where to get off!

ndc's picture

As ridiculous as it is for an almost adult who has already graduated from HS to contact Daddy because Mommy isn't home, the way your DH handled it was even more ridiculous.  If I was BM I would have laughed out loud when he told me I should be home before the practically adult daughter gets home.  It's none of his business!  Not only is he veering far out of his lane, he is not doing his daughter any favors.

I totally understand why you're struggling in your marriage - it really is a problem with your DH, not SD.

PetSpoiler's picture

In my day most teens were glad if their moms were out late.  It was a regular thing at my house when I was a teenager because my mom often had to work late.  

She could be creeped out by something late at night though, in her defense.  She should have been contacting her mother though.  There was no need to drag her dad into it.  

In my case I had creepy neighbors, my brother worked nights so he wasn't home, my sister was wherever she was at the time, and the house would make funny noises from settling.  My dad lived within walking distance.  I would frequently go stay with him.  But this was before he got remarried.  After that, I still would visit and maintain contact, but I figured they needed their alone time too.  Dad was lonely until he started dating my stepmother.  Sure, he had me and my siblings but that's not the same thing.  We couldn't possibly fill the void that was there.  My stepmother made my dad happy and that was good enough for me.  I did everything I could to make her feel welcome. 

The point I'm trying to make here is that your husband is going to realize too late that your stepdaughter will hopefully grow up and make a life of her own and she could never give him the kind of companionship that you can.  A child cannot take the place of a spouse.  With you one foot out the door already, he is in for a rude awakening.  Hopefully she won't have to pay a price for that.  It sounds like he is trying to keep her from growing up and is somewhat succeeding. I feel for her.  

Winterglow's picture

You HAVE to let us know how BM reacted to being told she should be home. It's killing me not knowing! 

stepmomnorth's picture

At that age... (or not far off) I was leaving my parents house to go out for the night at 11:00 with my friends, lol