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How yesterday (Father's Day) went for me...

missgingersnap2021's picture

So as I mentioned in my other blog SD17 went out to dinner with us and DH's family Saturday night. But of course SHE decided she would be seeig DH yesterday too. (Of course she didnt make plans ahead of time and tell Dh what she was thinking though becasue that would require SD and DH to actually communicate which they never can do.)

So what happened? The day became a cluster fuck and ended with DH yelling at me! I am so over him and his daughter! I hate this limbo period where I have one foot out the door but financially cant leave. I try to be a good person, a loving wife, nice to SD but I just keep getting my heart broken.

Becuase DH assumed SD would not be coming over here yesterday since he was seeing her Saturday night  we had made plans for the day (Go grab a nice lunch, do a little shopping at the mall, then come home for a nice steak dinner) Well DH could have talked to SD before she left to go home Saturday night when he found out she was planning on seeing him on Sunday too and just make plans by say "So when were you planning on coming over?" or "How about we go for lunch?'. I told him I didnt care what they did but that I would like him to figure it out so I could plan MY day.

Well he waits until Sunday morning to text her and suggest they meet for lunch . Of course she was asleep until noon. By the time she responed to him she had already made plans to spend the day with her boyfriend and his family. Well DH got butt hurt and was in a mood. So then I accepted the fact that she would be here for dinner and told him we just needed to get a steak for her too. I was going with the flow. Trying to do whatever he wanted to make him happy. But nothing I do is good enough! He decided to jump all over me after she had left last night over moving a chair (long story) I knew he was using it as an excuse to go off becuase yet again he was upset about BM and SD! BM becuase of her blowing off SD all weekend. And I am sure he was upset that SD basically fit him in after she made her boyfriend and his family the center of her day.

I tried to talk to him this morning calmly about why he went off on me last night and I got a lecture about how I have a problem every time his daughter comes over. How I hate to see her here more than her scheduled days. How I need to figure out if I can live with him and his daughter and on and on. The reality is I know he thinks (or maybe he knows for a fact) that SD will be wantng to live here fulltime when she turns 18 in 3 months and he knows that will be the end of us. What he doesn't realize is that the end of us has already started.... 

(Oh and thoughtful SD got him a coffee mug that said "Best dad ever" and a gift card to Lowes. (She gives him a Lowes gift card for every bday and Xmas! And we have very nice handmade mugs we love that we got on 2 trips One set from Maine and one from Asheville that we use every day) And she didnt even bother to wrap the gifts becuase she said all she had at her house were pink bags! WTF? Stop at any store and buy a couple gift bags. Yeah take things out on me becuase you have a lazy unthoughtful daughter! The only reason she even wanted to come last night was becuase she couldn't be at BMs house becuase they were showing it (its for sale) and BM was off with her boyfriend!). So lucky me!!! I end up having to spend three weekends in a row with SD while her mother gets 3 weekends to enjoy herself with her boyfriend! 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

I'm sorry your DH has taken his apparent frustration in his daughter's FD behavior out on you.

But, it's clear at this point.. that you are both dancing around the truth.  I remember when you began posting here.. and you were adamant that you gave no indications to him or his daughter that you resented her presence in your home.. that the issues were just there regardless.

But, clearly at this point, you can see that he DOES see your frustration and unhappiness with her being there. He knows you resent her.. and even if the root cause may have been him trying to compartmentalize his daughter and you from each other.. the fact remains that he now is convinced that you do not like his daughter.. so basically ANYTHING you say that could be taken in any way critically is eliciting a papa bear defensive mechanism.

At some point one of you needs to get the guts to deal head on with your relationship and figure out what is going to happen.  Not just about his daughter moving in.. but whether your relationship has any legs to go on further. Because right now? it doesn't seem like either of you respect or maybe even "like" the other person.  You hate the way he has raised his daughter and what it means.. he hates that you can't allow him to be a father to his child without rigid boundaries of when he can and cannot be that father. he hates that he feels you are hyper critical of every move that his daughter makes.. or that he makes when it comes to her.  You hate that he pushes you away and makes you feel like you don't matter.  You think he is weak.  You don't respect him.  You don't like his daughter.. or the choices she makes.. none of them.. whether it's too much involvement.. or not enough.. she will never meet your approval.. he sees that too.. and I think it has changed the way he views you.. no longer as a partner.. but almost as an adversary.

And.. he may have caused all of it.. or it could be a combination of things that have been said and done over the years.. by you as well.. but you are where you are.. and you need to figure out whether there is any of the old love there to make it worthwhile sticking around.. from an outsider's perspective.. I don't see a whole lot unfortunately.

missgingersnap2021's picture

You said:  so basically ANYTHING you say that could be taken in any way critically is eliciting a papa bear defensive mechanism. The reality is I didnt say ONE SINGLE thing yesterday. I put on a happy face and tried to make the day nice for both of them. Nothing I do (or not do) is good enough. Also he refuses to admit that the problems I have had over the years were how HE acts when she is here. He refuses to accept responsiblity that he is the reason I am unhappy when she is here. 

It doesnt matter though - I have decided we dont have a future. I have started my exit plan but I can't just pack my bags and walk out the door today. 

ESMOD's picture

I think you just need to disengage from him too at this point.  You had plans for sunday.. why? no point in doing anything with him is it? I would just do your own thing.. have you talked to a lawyer? financially your DH may need to help support you so finances may not be the issue you think they are. (and if you are entitled to it.. take it for goodness sake.. get yourself out of that situation asap).

 

caninelover's picture

That SD is still #1 in his life.  So regardless of whatever he said before - I think you're right and he is trying to tell you (in his poor communication style) that going forward SD may be around MORE and not less.  Which internally he knows is breaking his promise to you, but instead of admitting that he is taking his frustration out on you.  Which is immature and abusive.

Sucks to be stuck for a while but I kinda agree with ESMOD in terms of disengaging from him too.  Don't make any plans, if he makes some, ok go along for now.  But back off from actively planning your weekends together and see what he does with that (if he plans time with SD instead I would blow my top...).

missgingersnap2021's picture

I have already decided that this upcoming Friday I am not going to a friends b-day party we were invited too. I'm not up to acting like the "happy couple". Plus he is getting meaner and meaner becuase his drinking has increased a TON! He used to have one maybe two glasses of wine a night. The last few months he has started drinking old-fashioneds. He's going through a large bottle of whiskey in less then a month. (hmmm how ironic thats how long things have been really realy bad between us) and besides if I move out of state (which is my plan) why grow freindships that are just going to end soon? 

stepmomnorth's picture

Whiskey can make people more angry. My ex used to act like an a$$ after drinking whiskey 

missgingersnap2021's picture

The funny thing is for years he would joke and say that. He would say "whiskey makes me talk ugly". 
He wasn't kidding....

caninelover's picture

Plus, it starts to exercise social 'muscles' in terms of meeting other like-minded folks to make plans with.  Its your choice, but always good to exercise the social muscles IMO.  

The drinking is probably self-medicating as he feels the detioration of his connection with you.  I'm so sorry, Ginger.  His drinking is not helping anything and shouldn't be one additional brick on the pile of stuff already sufficating the marriage.

Use the hurt/anger/frustruation as fuel to continue your plans... 

AgedOut's picture

I agree that you should disengage from him. I think you know it too. Things have reached a point where you two might end up in each other's faces and that won't be good for anyone. Make you 'go date' then prepare to face it. Nothing else you can do at this point.

Kaylee's picture

He has started to drink heavily 

He is verbally abusing you.

He has zero communication skills 

He is enmeshed with his daughter

He refuses to go to counseling

You are UNHAPPY 

When you set all the facts out in short sharp sentences like that, you clearly see there is no future in your relationship.

missgingersnap2021's picture

Yes I know that! This is what I stated recently. It just snowballed so fast these past few months. I tried to make excuses for him thinking he was  stressing out about her graduating high school. It doesn't even matter at this point what is upsetting him. All that matters is that he can't handle things and be a good partner. 

StrawberryPie's picture

Yes, all of that!  You deserve to be happy and to be with someone who values you and treats you well. Hoping he will change to become that is different than actually changing to become that. Wishing you strong independent vibes as making a life change isn't easy but it will be so worth it. 

caninelover's picture

"He can't handle things and be a good partner"

You said it - please write that phrase down in paper somewhere you can see it daily.  You nailed the root cause - now just focus on you, your next steps, and getting you to a better place.  Good job and keep it up, ginger.

Kaylee's picture

If it was me, I'd print out those facts and have them handy to look at....on the other side of the paper I'd write down a list of things to do to enact my exit plan 

But I'm a person who likes making lists and ticking things off, lol.

I know you realise your marriage is over Ginger, I wasn't trying to point it out to you. I just posted a summary of what you've told us about him. When I read the list, I can see there is nothing you can do to salvage this..

I'm looking forward to reading about your plan for your new life and the happiness you so deserve.

hregal2011's picture

So I think a lot of this comes down to communication and boundaries.  I told my DH that I heavily dislike my SD..but I absolutely still love the damn kid (been here since she was 5 and now she is 16).  It was hard to talk to DH and tell him how I felt but he understands.  Now the the teens are older, we discussed the terms of them graduating and moving out vs not moving out.  The same rules apply to all kids if they stay here but we both think she wouldn't want to be here once she is 18.  
I'm sorry this is so rough...having step kids is not easy.

Rags's picture

Stay the course, work the plan, and in the not too distant future you will be well into your new life adventure sans that shallow and polluted behaviorally incestuous gene pool.

Take care of you.