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Am I wrong to want to know these kind of things?

missgingersnap2021's picture

For those of you that have minor skids stayng with you on a regular basis (SD is here 10 days a month come hell or high water) do you think your DH should share with you some things about BM? I don't need to know every little bit of her life but last night I found out that his ex just put a "for sale" sign up. I only know this becuase I overheard (well really just heard since we are all out to dinner at the same table) SD tell her family this bit of news. I sat there feeling like an idiot for not knowing this.

Turns out SD and DH have known for about a month she was going to be doing this. But DH never felt the need to tell me. When I confronted him just now and simply said "Why didn't you tell me BM is moving?' He jumped on me so hard and fast! Yelling and acting super pissed off! I guess I'm not supposed to give a shit or know anything about SD and BM. Actually I'm not guessing, becuase that is exactly what he said! 

I tried to explan that BM's actions affect SD which in turns affect DH whichthen trickles down and affects me and our relationship. He refused to admit that. Funny though how things started gettign REALLY bad with us this past month. Maybe if he told me things right away I would know what the hell is going on inside his brain. 

And lucky me we get to play "happy family" tonight at dinner since this is his weekend with SD....


Winterglow's picture

Why don't you go and see a movie? Don't tell him, just go. I cannot understand his reaction. Why the anger? OTOH, I never understood why he was so determined to ensure you have no connection with his daughter. What's his problem? 

missgingersnap2021's picture

He left for awhile so I didn't need to leave. And I wish I knew! All I do know is normal men do not act like this and it is getting worse not better each year. 

I'm just withdrawing more and more each day, It's like nothing I do or say ( or don't say and do) is good enough for him, 

MissK03's picture

I think you are at a sink or swim time in your marriage. Time to figure it out. Either he grows the f up and learns how to communicate or be done. He's so enmeshed with his daughter..I'm still stuck on the blueberry picking incident... that his reactions are just over the top. 

Yes he could have mentioned it in general conversation that BM was selling her house. His secrets with BM and SD are just too much IMO. I would not be able to do it.

My SO would get like this with me too in the beginning aka first 3 years. He admits now his relationship with BM was inappropriate(enmeshed) and he gets it. He definitely doesn't get it 100% because he stills (to a degree) holds me at fault for "arguing" BUT he understands where I am coming from.. my appoarch wasn't always the best either though... 

missgingersnap2021's picture

OMG I totally forgot about the berry picking event. There's been so many fucked up moments these last seven years I can't keep track of them all! 

floralsm's picture

Definitely he should have told you, it's part of communication in marriage. DH and I are very transparent when it comes to Toxic BM. He puts a road block up if I start to speculate. Over the years him being firm about that has helped my mental health. 
Im not sure where the anger comes from either. It's a strange reaction. Sorry you have to walk on eggshells around him lately and feel you have to be a robot and not have any human reactions around SD. He's definitely not being nice to you at all! 

notarelative's picture

I sat there feeling like an idiot for not knowing this.

DH not keeping you in the loop is a reflection on him, not you. Make DH own his actions. If someone comments about something you didn't know, just say -- That's news to me. Neither DH or SD has said anything about it to me. 


missgingersnap2021's picture

We actually just had a conversation addressing me sinking or swimming. It's finally being said out loud how unhappy I am and how he refuses to change. We're at an impasse. 

stepmomnorth's picture

That would bother me as well. He should have said something. It's common sense to say something, imo. It affects you

missgingersnap2021's picture

Becuase I feel in love with a man that basically no longer exists. There are still moments of the old him but they are happening less as each day passes. 

Noway2b1's picture

So that you can make an informed decision moving forward. Coming to terms is the first step. As I've said before journaling really helps, please consider the audio book or any version of  "the trauma bonding" It's short and to the point I helping you see the unhealthy relationship.