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Skids getting jobs

missginger's picture

Leading up to what I wanted to ask today - Exjuliemccoy said under another blog : "It comes down to the parenting, doesn't it? Weak/helicopter parents don't produce kids that are self reliant or confident. We see A LOT of stunted kids on this site, and while divorce can be a component, the substandard parenting usually goes way back before that."  

I believe this to be 1000% true!!! DH has told me storeies about how before he and BM split up that SD was never made to stick with anything. Of course it was all BM's fault (insert sarcasim)! It makes me want to scream every time he tries to blame everything on BM. When they were together what stopped him from putting his foot down and saying she had to stay with something (dance for ex) or keep trying things until she found one she liked? His excuse not that they are divorced is that he lives in fear of upsetting poor SD and that she wont love him or want to come her if its not always fun and easy (aka she lays around doing nothing all weekend)

So SD finally got her own car. Prior to this the excuses for her not working were Coronavirus and the fact that I would be too hard for DH and SM to drive her to work and pick her up becuase of theri own jobs. Well she is back at school full time (in the school 5 days a week). BM is working at a daycare and DH and I really live our lives as if the virus is the same thing we need to be worried about as the flu. So what will be the excuse now? 

She is here this weekend. Do you think DH will even suggest she goes and fills out some appications? NOPE! Anyways at what age did your kids and bio kids get jobs? (And I mean more than babysitting or walking dogs etc)

Comments

Gimlet's picture

I didn't make my DD work in high school.  She babysat and she worked every summer, but she had a heavy academic load and extracurriculars.  She also helped run the house, so I felt OK with her not working.   I also expected a high GPA and volunteer work for the college applications, which she did.

She worked every summer between years in college and also had a job on campus.

To me, it was about the level of effort and focus.  I used to tell my DH that I had my DD full time and saw her way less than he saw his kids when he had them 50/50 because she was always busy and they never left the house when he had them.  His kids should have worked because they took normal classes and participated in no activites.

missginger's picture

This is how I wish SD was - busy with academic work and activities. It blows my mind that DH has no issue with the fact that she takes the easiest courses she can (she could have been in honors math if she had wanted). She is in 11th gradeand in school for almost a month a now and I have never seen do any homeowrk or studying excpet memorizing a bible verse every Wed night! The only extra curricualr activity she did was swim for one year back when she was in 8th grade! She has never worked at all and has only babysat 2 times in all the years I have known her (ironically neither family evey asked her to babysit again). She doesnt do volunteer work, does hardly anything here as far as chores. Ughhh! This is why I am getting so agitated on the weekends she is here! And OMG what you said is so true - My one friend saw her bio daughter hardly at all the last 2 years of highschool (shes in college now) and DH spends every second with SD 10 freaking days a month! 

And now that she has a car I can see her driving straight here onthe days she is with us and DH staying at work later so YAYYY i get to be home alone with her! All I know is on 1/2 days she etter not try to come before her scheduled time of 3pm.

Tried out's picture

is a COD and her parents live about an hour apart. She splits her time between households in a week in, week off schedule. It would be very difficult for her to have a part time job during the school year, just from a logistical standpoint. She did have a summer job lined up at a residential camp which fell through because of the coronavirus.

Her life is definitely harder because she lives in two places. She hasn't had as vibrant a social life as my kids did - perpetual sleepovers! - because her life is divided in two. What I see, from watching her and other kids whose parents were divorced, is that  when you only see your parents half the time you're less likely to fill your weekends with outside activities. If you have half-siblings in either household the pull to spend time at home is even stronger.

My GD is very lucky to have a SM who loves her and likes to do things with her. They look forward to her being with them. And it's not like she's a saint - she, like all teenagers, can be a major PITA at times.

Divorce is hard on so many aspects of a kid's life. Being resented must make it so much harder, especially when you yourself are a victim of the whole situation. 

 

Winterglow's picture

It's not easy for minors to get jobs where I live - the law restricts their working hours and few companies want to pay more for insurance. My daughter has been trying to find a job since she was 15... She's now 17, at university and working 24 hours/week at McDonald's. She's not thrilled about the work there but, like she says "it's a job". 

Evil3's picture

I made my DD20 get a job as soon as she was old enough. She got her first job at 15. I was quite blatant with DH that I wanted a completely different daughter from SD. DH couldn't even deny it. If I compare my DD20 to when my SD31 was 20 and when SS29 was 20, there is no comparison. Completely different leagues.

MissK03's picture

So as a child of divorce myself I was working at 16 because I wanted to work and have my own money. I paid for my car insurance and stuff I wanted. 
 

Now skids.. we made a deal that they don't get a car until they have a job and have to pay for car insurance. When SS17 turned 16 last July he was pretty lazy and unmotivated to get a job. I filled out all his applications etc. He finally got a job two weeks before covid hit. He works at a major retail sports store. I'll add, I filled out that application for him without even telling him because he needed to get the f out of the house. Now they closed because of covid and he went back in may. Covid put a damper on him getting his permit and stuff so now he is behind with getting his license and honestly, SO needs to make appointments. I'm getting annoyed with it that I might just do it. 
 

SS15 will be 16 next month, so now we are falling into two skids that will need cars. He is putting the pressure on SO though too. 
 

SS17 though has been working a lot. I'm getting nervous with what is going to happen next year though with him. He is mentally behind in other aspects. He won't be going to college we know this already.

Cover1W's picture

DH is allergic to any sentence that includes both "SD and job." Deer in headlights. If YSD is in school and doing great with her schoolwork but has no extracurriculars and continues to finish her homework within an hour or so of school ending, IMHO she's got the ability to do both.

BUT when the parents supply every absolute thing the kid wants/needs and the kid never has to have an allowance or learn to purchase her own things, WHY BOTHER?

YSD is also petrified of cars in general and won't even EVER sit in the front passenger seat at this point I don't see her learning to drive any time soon. And my car will NOT be used to teach driving or for constant running a teen around.

He gets the same look about YSD working in college too.  She'll definitely be one of those kids who has NEVER had a job before age 23 and has no idea how to function in any type of work enviornment.

I'm so far out of this I can't even.

AshMar654's picture

I had a job at 15 on the weekends my mom took me to. My brother had a job at 15 as well and guess what my parents were divorced and my mom pretty much did everything after they split. DH had a job when he started driving he wanted money.

DH and I have both agreed the DS11 will have to get a job if he wants a car. That is our rule. I do not care if is only for the summers but I want him working. We will not give him gas money or be paying his cell phone once he is capable of working. It is on him how much freedom he wants. I love the kid but he is kinda lazy, rushes through things, sometimes thinks we should just give him everything and wait on him. He does not really think for himself or is motivated to do for himself. Time will tell. Let's face it when you were served breakfast on a tray in front of the tv for 8 years what do you think is going to happen. My FIL would ask him when he got up what he wanted every morning prepare it for DS and serve it on a trey while DS watched cartoons.

He has an entitled attitude a lot of times.

lieutenant_dad's picture

OSS took college courses in HS, and he was part of several groups related to what he is majoring in now. He was going to get a job this summer, but COVID shut down our DMVs so he couldn't get his license. Now that he is off at college, he is applying different places, but he can't get a call back from anyone even for an interview. Since he has a "condensed" semester, DH has told him he will need to get a job over winter break (which should be easy around here now that he can drive - lots of warehouses that are always looking for help around the holidays).

I got my first "official" job at 17 when I got my license, and did babysitting for that. Didn't do any extracurriculars because I needed money and couldn't do both.

Teens need to be busy, whether that be through gainful employment or through activities that help them reach their goals. They don't need to be so busy that they are stressed out and have no down time, but it's good for them to start transitioning to activities that will support them in adulthood.

Picardy III's picture

Lazy though some kids may be, jobs for minors are much more limited than they were, say, 20 years ago.

My SS17 had no luck finding a retail or grocery job this summer, even with increased demand for workers, because most employers here either wouldn't hire minors or would hire the over-18 applicant first.

Iamwoman's picture

From ages 10-12 I made DD do volunteer work with me, packing food boxes for homeless shelters and cleaning up litter from the bay.

DD17 ran her own online business from ages 9-11. She painted toys to order and made roughly $800 per year.

I made DD17 get her first outside job at 11.

She was paid minimum wage to work for my brother and his wife, folding clothes and boxing them for customers.

She did this for two years as an "on call" position when their business was super busy.

When she quit at 13, she babysat for money that summer. I hooked her up with friends who needed sitters.

At 14, I sat down with her and taught her how to create a resume. She then landed her first "real" job a the city tennis center where she handled cash, raked courts with the golf cart, ran the little prop shop, and did some general cleaning.

At 15, I told her she needed to spend her summer racking up her 100 mandatory volunteer hours for college entry. She traveled the state with a group of teens in a van, slept in churches, and cleaned up gardens, getting all of her hours.

At 16, she worked at a fast food joint all summer and throughout the fall.

At 17 (this past summer) she worked at a grocery store across the country because the minimum wages were better there.

I think it's all finally paying off, because she is showing responsibility by getting up and getting herself to school on time, doing her schoolwork, and now trying to make plans for post-graduation.

This has all been an extremely dramatic uphill battle.

DD is ODD, which is why I set her to work early on. She needed to learn accountability and natural consequences. She has fought me tooth and nail every step of the way, but she is finally showing very small signs of her own ambition and critical thinking.

I've always held her to high standards for school too. She has one of the top GPAs in her class and the Ivy League schools are tripping over themselves to offer her money and applications. Sadly, she is addicted to electronics and I'm not sure she wouldn't fail out her freshman year without me there to take her electronics away and make her do work. We are considering military as an option for now.

shamds's picture

I was givens 2 choices by my mum. Go to uni full time or i could work full time. The extent of their generosity was providing a roof over my head (our family home) provided i had a job to pay for my upkeep so I bought all my oeb stuff....

i even had full time uni studies, full time work when mum had her 1st stroke

but god skids sre made to be responsible at age 22 & almost 25.. my sd almost 25!has demanded hubby pay her cs indefinitely

Tried out's picture

a friend whose kids inherited trust funds from an affluent relative. They weren't huge trust funds but were sizable. Her daughter used hers for extras - nursery school for her kids, vacations, etc. Her son, on the other hand, used the income to support himself so he didn't have to work full time. He basically blew through his 20's without accomplishing anything. And he never will have to. He's a permanent teenager.

My friend described him as being the victim of a trust fund. I think the same thing could be said of kids whose parents who subsidize them when they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. 

Merry's picture

DD had a job at 15, working somewhere where she hung out a lot anyway. I walked in one day and found her mopping the floor. It was great.

SD was always a hard worker, per DH. I think she worked in HS. SS was always "too fragile at that age." I dunno, before me. All are working now and are off the parental payroll.