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A rare rant about BM

missginger's picture

I rarely post about her becuase for the most part I have zero interaction with her, DH hates to talk about her, and compared to so many BM's on here she is very normal but she's been on a roll pissing me off lately.

a) She bought SD a car (before she even had her license) but said she didnt want her working until MAYBE next summer. Way to teach her about responsibilities! She said she wanted her to concentrate on her studies. HA! She never has homework! What little this lame school gives her she gets done every day in study hall. Of course I am equally annoyed at how my DH just rolls over and doesn't insist SD get a job. I can see it now - every other weekend handing over money to her so she can have gas money! I can also predict that even though she will have a car she wont leave this house all weekend!

b) BM knew SD was sick last week. Yes I am annoyed that DH tried to keep it from me but he did admit he knew I would have freaked out so he was hoping and praying it was just allergies. BM doesnt care how sick SD is she would hand off to us if she was in a coma!

c) SD is going next Monday to get her license, She has had the appt for weeks. Well BM told DH last night (right as we were about to go nto a nice restuarant for dinner) that she cant take her becuase she has a zoom meeting for her anxiety at that time! Give me a F'ing break!!! Getting your license is a big deal but as usual her own selfish needs come first. And the only reason she has anxiety is becuase she has no man and hates her job PLUS I am sure she is counting down the months till SD is 18 and the money train comes to a screeching halt (alimoney and CS). So DH got super pissed and has to miss work to take SD now next week. 

In my opinion BM's are BM's (divorced moms) becuase they were shitty wives and mothers to start! She has always been lazy, selfish and entitled! And SD is going to grow up just liek her! 


nengooseus's picture

And I don't think I was a horrible wife or Mom at all, but I get what you're saying.  If it were the HCBM that I deal with, she would make DH take the kid to the license appointment and then show up anyway, after it was the largest possible inconvenience.

Honestly, I see a lot of weak men and attribute that as the problem in these situations.  DH was a very weak man when he was married to HCBM.  If she said jump, he jumped and waited for her to disapprove of him somehow.  He was raised by dysfunctional people and married another, so he never knew what it was like to feel loved and accepted.  I have seen him grow and become stronger every day since we got together 8 years ago.

Gimlet's picture

Could the test not be rescheduled?   All your husband had to say was "That time doesn't work for me" if it didn't work for him. 

Iamwoman's picture

I'm a BM and SM. It's not always the BM who was responsible for the divorce.

Many times its both people, and in some cases when it IS one person, it can be the male's fault. Some men make poor fathers and husbands too.

Please don't be one of those people who gives men a free pass and blames everything wrong with society on women. Your DH plays a huge role in all of this. If he didn't, then you would be complaining about BM far more and your DH far less on this site.

Picardy III's picture

Was BM *insisting* DH take SD to the driver's test, or just *asking* if he could?

I don't think it's out of line to simply ask if he's available before rescheduling, if she'd just realized she had double-booked. 

advice.only2's picture

a.) Is your DH asking SD to get a job?
b.) Your DH knew his daughter was sick and tried to gaslight you (yet again) that it was just allergies.
c.) Your DH could say no and have SD reschedule the appt. if it doesn't work on his time frame.
Remember it's not all up to the BM to raise the kids, the dads (the guys who donated half the DNA) need to do some of that heavy lifting as well, not just pay the CS and figure that covers their obligation.

missginger's picture

He could ask her to reschedule it but he doesn't want to. And I understand that.  she's been waiting for weeks for this appointment only to be told a few days before hand that it's not gonna work out for her mother to take her.  He doesn't want to disappoint his daughter because of the issues his ex is going through. He's also upset because she's showing and talking about all of this anxiety in front of SD which is causing SD to be upset. I know some other bloggers have posted about how the kids take on so much responsibility for their mothers. I never thought SD was going to be one of those kids but it looks like she is now. And the reality is this driving test was scheduled before the ex decided to sign up for the zoom conference call. She's supposedly been anxious for months now she can wait a week and join the call the following. To me it's just her being very very selfish. And my DH is far from perfect but he definitely does try to do things the right way when it comes to his daughter

SeeYouNever's picture

If someone has a touch or more of a personality disorder then they are often a raging failure as a partner and a parent. 

BM was definitely a lousy wife. It was all about appearances and spending every cent my DH earned, then complaining that he worked too much. She cheated before and after they were married, horrible wife. 

However my DH always insisted she was a good mother. SD always had nice designer clothes (see above: all about appearances) and she was always asking for money for extracurriculars and stuff like that. DH took it to mean she was an encouraging and supportive mom. Over time he realized that the extracurriculars were basically DH funded evening childcare so she could go date. 

My DH has slowly realized that maybe she isn't such a good mother. She talks trash about her own daughter, dresses her in baggy ugly clothes, cut off all the extracurriculars, makes her babysit her other child... again so she can go date. 

Like the BM in your life, if it doesn't benefit her it doesn't happen. 

missginger's picture

Oh and it's not that easy to just reschedule these appointments they're booking weeks out so she didn't go next Monday she wouldn't go and get it probably until the beginning of November. And again why should she have to suffer because of her mother? And it's ironic that BM wants to get her checks every month and expects to be paid in full but wants to take him away from his job. He owns his own company.he doesn't get paid a salary so when he misses a mornings work he misses a job that could bring in hundreds of dollars.

And yes he knew she was sick but not until he went and picked her up. I'm pissed at him for not telling me but I'm more pissed that it's like she sets him up so he can't do anything about it anyways.

notarelative's picture

Yes, driver exam appointments are booked way out and SD probably will have to wait. But, BM either knew about the conflict for a while (if her counseling appointment is on a specific schedule) or BM booked her counseling appointment at the same time. This one is on BM. She should reschedule one of the appointments, her choice.

DH better rethink the don't want daughter to suffer idea. Bulldozing obstacles out of a child's way does not yield a resilient adult. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Not all BMs are lazy, irresponsible drama queens. In fact, i dated a man with 3 young kids about 9 years ago, and that BM was not nearly as bad as the one i deal with now. She kept to the schedule and handled all the kids' business that occurred on her time. The one i deal with now is the reason i found this site, frantically Google searching because i was just confused and disgusted. I couldn't imagine a mother not being, well, motherly, unless drugs or mental illness were involved. I seriously thought it would take that or being incarcerated or dead for a mom to not do her job (basic child care), at least on "her" time. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Also, though, my SO enabled her to be as ineffective and dependent on him as possible, in order to make himself look like the hero/martyr and to maintain control. 

Tried out's picture

post you mentioned that BM was having mental health problems that SD talked to DH about. You were dismissive then about the cause and importance of her problems just as you are now. In reality, you don't know the cause of her problems or how they are affecting her. I think one could see her commitment to therapy as a positive thing which could ease future problems for SD and therefore you and her father.

Unless taking his daughter to get her license causes problems for him at work I can't see this as something to get yourself all bent out of shape about. I would imagine her father is delighted  to be part of this milestone in her life and to have a special, unexpected one on one time with his daughter. I know I would have been. And it's not like you are being expected to assume this responsibility. 

missginger's picture

Yes one other time she pulled some stuff years ago when we were dating. all of a sudden she was just so depressed and anxiety ridden to the point of having to check herself in somewhere where she stayed for weeks and basically didn't even see her daughter for a full month. Why? All because she wanted to get back with DH and he didn't. Now all of a sudden  she's pulling this again. like I said just because she's lonely and doesn't want to go back to her job. I think by doing this she won't be able to get fired and can be out on disability.As for taking her on Monday - yes it is a huge inconvenience for DH and he's really really pissed about it.  so no it's not really directly my business but when he's in a bad mood it does affect our relationship. And actually I even offered to take her but he doesn't want me to. Because he does realize if BM can't take her he should at least be the one to do it. And his big thorn in his side is again she expects all this money from him but thinks nothing of asking him to takeoff from work to do things like this meanwhile she's not working at all.  Like I said before he owns his own business the jobs he does earns him hundreds of dollars for short jobs a full day long job into the thousands.  The appointment is at 11 and will take God knows how long with the new rules and sitting in your car and waiting your turn etc. either way his entire morning is shot and his afternoon it's not the kind of job you can start walk away from and go back to you either start and finish it or you don't do it at all. This is just a perfect example of how selfish and lazy she is nothing else

Tried out's picture

psych wards don't keep people for a month unless there is really something wrong. They can't. Insurance companies won't pay for it.

My apologies for not catching the part in your original post about this messing with your DH's work.