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Getting my tubes tied...or SO just called me by BM's name.

MissElphaba's picture

Last weekend was NOT a skid weekend, but this coming weekend will be and I’m already dreading it. It’s Tuesday… I feel like I spend a large portion of the time that mini seahag is not here worrying about the next visit. I have a one year old and am very pregnant with our second son, due at the end of April. It’s been a very risky pregnancy and I’ve been uncomfortable 90% of the time between the bleeding and cramping and just awkward pain, which was never the case with DS1. He was a breeze to carry and outside of the daily “footsie” we played with each other, I barely knew he was in there. I think this is a hard thing for SO to understand or make allowance for because he didn’t have to the first time, and doesn’t really feel like it now…especially with DS1 walking and talking and getting into everything he possibly can.

On Sunday, SO and I were driving home from a friend’s house, he’d had a few drinks and he was hinting at frisky activity for later on… he then proceeded to call me by BM’s name. I couldn’t even muster up anger, I was hurt. I’m relatively speechless about it and can offer no excuse. He apologized and said it was a mistake and he doesn’t know why he said that because I’m nothing like her etc… but I can’t shake it. I have to put up with her spawn and all the other baggage she’s left in his life…and now I can’t even count on him to not Freudian-slip her name in there? I’m at a loss.

I had started letting loose all of my “ties” to any back up plans I had for if this relationship didn’t work out, and I’m beginning to second guess that choice.

I have been accepted into a program that should have me with a degree via night classes and online classes within two years, and my parents have been saints and said they would help me whenever they could with watching the boys. I think at this point, I need to make school and the two little ones my focus. I don’t think SO is invested much in our relationship’s success and I don’t want to continue down the rabbit hole by myself. I started a nest egg savings account he doesn’t know about, so I have some security.

I had started with my therapist again, and she was the one who pulled me through when SO and I had taken time apart two years ago. She listened to me talk and sob my way through the issues I feel like I’m having in myself, and then asked me “MissE, when you came to me a couple years ago you thought you’d hit rock bottom and you blamed SO. Now, you’re coming to me again, and the laundry list of things that you’re feeling are almost verbatim in my notes from that time…the difference now is that you’re taking that blame all on yourself.” *sigh*

Next week I meet with my OB for the normal biweekly visits I have to do now so they can monitor the heart rate and check placement…I’m going to find out about getting my tubes tied. After my boys, I want to be done having children. They’re lovely, and I adore them, but I don’t want more. I can spoil any children my brother chooses to have, or that my friends will have.

I know if I wanted a quick “out” I could go home to my parents, but I don’t want to do that at almost 27 years old. I need to grow up and accept my own choices. I made my bed here, and I either need to accept it and move on or get it together and move out. As I opened with, this is a visitation weekend. SO says it’s rude and unwelcoming for me to not be chatty and engaging with his daughter. Thinking of taking my little one on a “road trip,” for mommy-and-me time. I’m sure that’ll go over like a lead-balloon.


NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Jesus. Get that degree and have an exit plan, just in case. Seriously. You'll feel better. and How far away is this road trip and is it a safe distance at this late in your pregnancy? If so, I would get the hell away from her too. and maybe you need to get a little mad and a little angry and give him a piece of your mind!

I have been called the bio mom's name a lot too. It always hurts.

ChiefGrownup's picture

You sound like you're in a difficult situation and there are lots of previous issues piling up. You feel vulnerable and tired from your hard pregnancy and worn out from chasing the little one discovering his own mobility. And. You know. Stephell.

Those all pile up to a very big fat plate of spaghetti. I feel for you.

Having said all that, the first time my dh called me bm's name was in a room full of MY relatives at his first meeting them. We all busted up laughing. By the time we got married, dh had done it so much in front of so many people that bil actually made a joke about it in his toast. We all laughed, including me, the bride.

However, dh is a prince in so many ways. It's as obvious as the sky is blue that there is no way in hell he'd ever go back to her nor even her to him. It's just the force of almost 20 years of habit. Like my mom calling me my sister's name.

Maybe that won't work for you because of everything else you've got going with him and the dynamic in your marriage. But if there's any way laughing it off really could work for you, I recommend it.

Best of luck to you and your babies.

somedevilishbeauty's picture

DH mixes up my name and BM's name a lot, not on purpose and never at an inappropriate time He'd be hurting if he did) but in his defense our names are very similar. He corrects himself immediately and usually gets a few slapps to the shoulder ( nothing too bad) but started happening more and more during our current custody court issues. I told him if he doesn't watch it im going to start calling him my ex name and see h ow he likes it.

misSTEP's picture

I guess I am lucky. I have never been called by BM's name. Although SD did see a photo of me and DH together and initially she thought I was her mom. :sick:

That was enough to bother me for a little while.