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I swear I'm going to divorce this man!

missangie1978's picture

Ugh the nerve of DH, I tried to have a conversation with him in regards to my working part-time and staying home with our son when he is born.

I explained to him that I didn't want our son spending the majority of his time at daycare and that with him being my first child that I wanted to be there to raise him. I even gave him options on how we could cut back so I could work part-time.

Well the idiot shots down everything and starts telling me what out of my list that we can't cut back on and all of it is either something of SS's or something of his such as cable (SS watches those channels).

Honestly if I am working full-time and having to leave my baby in daycare because I'm paying for SS well forget it I'd rather be working full-time and living on my own so my money goes directly to my baby.

I'm so sick of DH and his belief that just because SS lives with us and his mother is a dead beat doesn't mean that I have to pay and do everything for SS.


Stick's picture

Are you sure that your DH is only concerned about SS's living conditions? Did his ex-wife work (if you stated this in a separate post, sorry that I don't know.) The reason that I ask is because you have to remember that some of these guys have had such a freakin' number done on them by the Ex that they live in FEAR of that happening to them again.

My DH's ex received 2 degrees while they were married. He worked 2-3 jobs and built a house, and she worked part-time and went to school part-time. Her first degree was as a radio disc jockey, which she then didn't like! Then she worked part-time and became a dental hygenist. When he left, she still wasn't working a 40 hour week, but expected him to pay for just about everything. She was after all "the mother"! So she'd work 30-35 hours a week, complain about money and then still drop off SD wherever on her nights, so she could do whatever she wanted. And why wasn't DH just paying for the extra money that she needed to survive?? It scarred him.

While your DH may be arguing that SS needs the "extras" so that he doesn't feel jealous, he could also be feeling that he doesn't want to completely be "trapped" into supporting another woman who won't work. I'm not saying that's YOU. I'm just saying that some of our DH's have gone that route. Again, my DH's ex went to school part-time, worked part-time but could never do HIS laundry or make HIM dinner. He became a paycheck. I think that's a common fear for men when their wives get pregnant, nowadays. (In my own, only high school educated, opinion!)

To be the sole means of support for a family of four in this economy is SCARY. It actually is a LOT of responsibility. It could be that your DH is just afraid for the future.

smnikki's picture

just stop spending on certain things? if dh wants to then he can, but your check goes for what you want. I feel the same way you do, and fh and bm are responsible for ss, when i have kids, fh knows that my working will drastically change.

im sorry, but imo, i dont give a rats azz what ss likes to watch on tv! he is not paying the bill!

missangie1978's picture

My DH wasn't ever married to the ex and didn't even know that SS was his son until he was 4 years old (he's 10 now) and I honestly think he's got this guilt that he wasn't there for 4 years for SS and therefore is always trying to make up for it, even if it means I or our son gets put on the back burn.

Maybe it's pregnancy hormones but they are both getting on my last nerve.

herewegoagain's picture

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this while pregnant. Unfortunately, it seems that the only kids that can never do without or change their standard of living are those of divorced parents. Hey, my son also likes to watch NickToons, Sprouts, etc...guess what? We have no money...we got rid of cable...period. My son also loved his "gym" class which was for special needs kids...guess what? We had to cut that too...and sadly, the witch ex-wife and his daughter can never have a decrease in their standard of living...even if the standard they now enjoy is MUCH HIGHER than when DH and the witch were it was me that helped him get a better education and thus a better job...Of course, my son and I do not see the fruits of that...only the witch and his daughter...not by his choice at this point, but the courts.

So I am again so sorry you are going through this...NOW is the time to split all the bills and only HE pays for your SS's stuff...otherwise, I can promise you that when you want something for your son, there won't be enough money cause it's going to his son. You should start paying ONLY for yourself and 1/2 of your son's expenses immediately after he is born...before then, you need to pay for only YOUR STUFF...and if there's not enough money for his kid, too bad...

Unfortunately, it's these men and ex-wives that make us resentful...and then of course blame it on us for being so resentful...

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

of providing for our skids, unless we choose to do so. I'd make that perfectly clear to your DH. What is with these men? Personally, I will chose how my earnings are spent, the skids have two parents who are responsible for them. I am responsible for myself.

I've read far too many posts on here where the stepparent does as much for, or often more for the skids than either biological parent, sometimes to the point of exhausting everything they have to give, and then being expected to give more.

I'm with Sasha on this one. Your SS is not your obligation. Period.

Most Evil's picture

We cut off cable I think over a year ago. While I do miss some shows, there are plenty of other things on, including a ton of kids shows. With the new TV signals we get great reception of I think 16 channels. So that is one thing that can be cut. We also read more now, reading books together out loud, and the library is free! which would be good for SS too.

I understand about wanting to stay home but I do think today it is very hard to live on one income, especially if you do have kids. It does put a lot of pressure on one person especially in our uncertain economy and I personally feel I would crack if I had that all the time, which I have had at times with commission only DH. Do you plan to stay home indefinitely or just until your baby goes to school? Maybe if it is shorter term, he would be more willing to work with you. Oh wait I see now you want to work part time, well that should be enough if you are making decent money!!

I have cut off funding to my SD17 after paying way too much I didn't have, for visits, gifts, etc. which I am now paying off. DH understands and she just has to go without those extras, since she never calls him any more anyway (is there a connection? hmm). Child support is the only thing you must pay, which the parent should pay (not you). Any extras are on the parent, to me (after a hard lesson learned).!!

p.s. Congratulations on the baby!!!!!!! - when are you due?

"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912

Stick's picture

** Unpopular Opinion Possibility!!! ** Do NOT read if you are easily offended.

Miss Angie - I understand sooo much the want to stay home part time for your child and to be there for them. I don't think that your husband wants your child raised in day care either. If you really be honest with yourself about it... he doesn't want to neglect that child, or see if raised ineffectively. I stand by what I said.. his issue, if you can get him to admit it... is FEAR ABOUT THE FUTURE OF YOUR FAMILY.

And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be careful before you start throwing around, I'd rather just support "MY" baby and he can support BOTH of his babies. Because I really believe that if a woman came on here, and said that her DH only wants to support HIS OWN biological child and some of his wife's expenses, and it's up to HER to support her own child, etc. A lot of people would be put out and calling for that man's HEAD.

You got married to be a family, didn't you? You got married knowing that this man has a child with a deadbeat mom and it sucks. But didn't you know that? These are CHILDREN we are talking about here. Not property. Not his property and your property. CHILDREN.

Don't get me wrong. I came into my relationship with DH with a pretty nice size savings account, living in an area that I loved. I moved to his daughter's school district, so she could get on and off the bus at our house. I had to support this family for a long time because BM ruined my DH financially, and credit-wise, and it took him a long time to get it all back together. It didn't help that the week we got back from our honeymoon he lost his job.

But HEY - I didn't marry him so he could be the paycheck. I married him because I love him. And through thick and thin.. prosperous times and not... we work on it TOGETHER. Let me ask you.... Do you think that if you lost your job, or whatever... that DH would bat an eye, still supporting the family, to give you little things that you might enjoy - a manicure, or pedicure, or new shoes? Or do you think he'd start saying, OH NO!! My money is for me, my 2 children and your home. And that's it!! ?? I can tell you that my DH... as much as sometimes I had to support our basics... every time that guy had a single extra cent, he was surprising me... giving me flowers, or a card, or just something small. So be careful when you do the whole - I'll only pitch in to what I FEEL is right. Because it could backfire on you someday in the future.

And oh yes, right now, DH is making more $$ than me and he is supporting me.

Over here, DH has his paycheck, I have my paycheck. We have our checking accounts. We have a joint checking account. And we have a joint savings account. Anything I want to buy for myself - shoes, make-up, skin care that he thinks is ridiculously expensive, but I love - I buy out of my own account. He does the same. Our joint account is for our home and our family and all of our bills.

Give your DH time. Let him alleviate the fear of being a husband AND a new FATHER again, with a new child. He also has a family of 4 that he is now responsible for. Please don't forget that worry that he now will carry. And if you think he doesn't you probably married the wrong guy. I think he does. I think he CARES. I think he's SCARED. I think, that once you have that little baby, and he sees it, and he sees how everything goes while you are at home, and he sees maybe what happens when that little tyke gets put in daycare... THAT will be the time to talk to him about this. NOT NOW.

belleboudeuse's picture

I think Stick is a wise woman. What I like about her posts is that she steps back and considers it from both angles. I'm just replying to say, go back and read what she said again. She makes some good points.


- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

Stick's picture

I know there's a few typos in there.. sorry, if it doesn't make sense... let me know!!

missangie1978's picture

but he wasn't married to BM and never had to deal with the free loading wife and honestly I've been paying for WAY more then he has. He won't even consider my working part-time so I can stay at home with our son.

And it just grates on my nerve that we got a call from BM last night asking to have SS for the whole summer because she wasn't working and so she could spend that time with all her children.

Ugh! Really I'm sitting here working a full-time job to pay for her son and she gets to just sit at home and do nothing!

Stick's picture

You hit the nail on the head. You see her having the "life" you want. She gets to stay at home and spend time with her children while you are working. Her not working is not your DH's fault (or your stepson's for that matter). It's possibly her being an irresponsible adult. Why isn't she working this Summer? Does her job allow her to stay home? If that's the case, then you can't really be too angry with her that she's lucky enough to have that luxury.

I have felt that twinge of bitterness like Hey!! I'm the one working for all of the necessities!! It does get on your nerves. But I guess you have to take a look at your DH. If he's anything like mine, then you should realize that he does care about you and wants you to be happy. He may already feel guilty enough about the fact that he cannot support you the way you'd like. He also may be the kind of man to give you everything you want, if you just let him. (NO Pressure!!)

Realize where this is coming from for you. Maybe, the hopes that you wanted to be a "stay at home" mom, or the jealousy that BM gets to have that without any repercussions. Then, when you know where this bitterness is coming from you will be able to express it better to your DH and also handle it better within yourself.

But whatever you do, try to let go of the "tally". I paid for this... blah blah blah. It only ends up hurting you in the end. If you can just hold on, for a little while longer, and realize that you are working for your FAMILY - your DH, your TWO children (yes, a step child is YOUR step child) and yourself. And your DH is working for that same goal! A great life for all 4 of you!!! F*ck the BM!!! You are working to give YOURSELVES the better life. There's something very noble about that.

kaffonseca's picture

On just reading your words of the situation, I can totally understand how you are feeling and I would probably feel the same way.

My SS does not have cable in his room..we have it in living room, our bedroom and my BD13's room..but SS just has a tv and a dvd player..he has tons of dvds. He loves spongebob and so he watches can buy dvds so cheap now and also rent them at the library for a week for $1.00. Is this an option DH could look at ?

"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"

missangie1978's picture

I could care less if BM doesn't work. The reason she doesn't work is she has 4 kids with 4 different guys and she milks them as well as is on state aid.

I wouldn't be so upset if it wasn't for the fact that I have to work in order to pay for SS and she gets to just sit back and do nothing and have someone else pay for her kids.

I'd be ok if she didn't work if she actually paid for SS. The situation is that I could stay at home with our baby if she'd step up and pay for her own son.

Stick's picture

I'm just trying to make sure I understand. Stepson lives with you, correct? And BM doesn't pay child support? And DH is afraid to go after her for child support? Is that what it is?

So you are thinking that if BM paid her portion of her own child's support, that your part-time income could be used for your child and possibly part of your household. Then your husband's full income could be divided 4 ways - himself, part of you, part of his child with BM and part of his child with you. So your child gets paid for by you and DH. Dh & BM's child paid for in between the two of them. DH pays for himself and you pay for yourself with whatever you both have left?

It's a nice world if you can get it to work that way. But unfortunately, life is messy and it's not realistic. Even if BM did work, that formula probably wouldn't be completely equal.

Selkie's picture

Yup. Life is messy. And people should pay for their own children. And step-mothers who have no relationships with their step-children and don't ever see them shouldn't have to pay for their school trips. Oops. Wrong post. Blum 3

Stick's picture

You are soo funny! I know - I was confusing myself!! You know how it is when you are in a family, let alone a blended family! It's like saying... Ok...I contribute this much money, but I only want my money to be spent on ho ho's and ring dings and Pringles (maybe that's Crayon's BM's house!!). Your money can be spent on milk, eggs and bread. Let's check out at the grocery store and ask them to separate the bill. It's MESSY. I'll recommend Advil the next time I try to do a mathematical post!!

Selkie's picture

Crayon's BM's house with the pringles! *snort*

It is a serious issue though, when finances get involved. Aside from the rotten behaviours, money that I contribute to our shared household flowing into BM's home REALLY REALLY pisses me off. Especially right now, that SD14 is SO excited about her grad dress! And SS18 STILL hasn't said a peep of thanks for his trip. Meanwhile, BD14 would LOVE a grad dress but we can't afford one at the moment. GRRRRRRR. I am tempted to say, this is my money, this is your money, I'm buying what I want and too bad if you can't afford to drive to their city for visitation. Sigh.

missangie1978's picture

over child support but she just keeps not working so you can't get money out of nothing. She actually is suppose to be paying quite a bit and suppose to be covering health care and 1/2 of everything else but chooses not to and just keeps staying unemployed and milking the system so she doesn't have to work and can keep not paying us.

Calculating costs if BM would pay her child support, 1/2 of all of SS's extra activities and his health insurance and we cut back a bit I could stay home, hell I'd even be ok if I could work part-time and stay home with the baby.

Truth is I'm tired of paying for SS at this point that really should be the job of DH and BM I shouldn't have to worry about that. I know I married DH knowing he had a son but that doesn't mean that I took on financial responsibility for SS. Truth is if I wasn't around DH and BM would have to provide for SS and that should be the case whether or not I'm here.

Just seems like the second there is a stepmom in the picture everyone just assumes you should take on the financial responsibility of the stepchildren.

kaffonseca's picture

I totally understand your point of view.

"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"

Stick's picture

I guess, I just assumed it. When I married my DH and I knew he had a child... I also knew that I'd be supporting that child. Because I didn't JUST marry the man. I married him, his daughter, his mom and dad and family and the stupid selfish EX. That's the way I looked at it. Just as he married ME and my mom and dad who I love and cherish. And my sisters and nieces and nephews who I spoil whenever I can!! (Ok - not literally - don't everyone jump on me about that one!! DH is and always will be #1 / MARRIAGE WILL ALWAYS BE #1)

I don't want to support BM's lifestyle either. And believe me, I'm in the same situation here. BM has not given us any child support, or paid anything for health insurance. We finally did get her to agree to some child support, but it was in a reduced amount that what is legally required, AND DH is giving her 2 years to pay up. At that point, that money will probably go toward SD's college, instead of being used as the reimbursement for us, for the money we paid out over the past few years. And did I mention that BM fought DH for and got the house that he built?? And his share of that was a pittance compared to what the house is worth. AND BM gets to pay DH his share of the house after SD graduates as well, so she doesn't lose the house in the meantime. You aren't alone girl. And I'm not just giving advice on something that I have no experience with.

The only thing I don't have is a BABY and I never will, since I had decided long ago not to have children due to health issues. Sad But I can honestly say, that if I did have a child with DH, it wouldn't change my perspective on things. Hence, what I wrote to you!

Good luck. Just try to remember your DH's point of view on this...