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I went to Parent Teacher Conferences (first time) and the lessons I learned about skids/BM and the POOR PERFORMANCE of students

Milomom's picture

I've been reading quite a bit on here about skids who are total underachievers in school, life, etc... and BIOparents who either don't see it, don't do anything about it (the ones that do see it) or actually condone it/make excuses for it.

So, once again, I'd like to post the question: WHY, OH WHY would a PARENT actually allow this?? This is, at best, sheer ignorance and at worst, a form of CHILD ABUSE!!

Recently, I've been exposed to more and more examples of the "non-parenting/child adoration" method of parenting, so I thought I'd share one example with all of you, if not for any reason other than to give you a good chuckle!

Background/setup: Parent/Teacher conferences were held a few weeks ago. I had decided a few weeks prior that I would like to go (for both FSD16 & FSS13), for several reasons - mainly with good intentions because both fskids are failing. It was my first time. I've been helping skids (FSD16 & FSS13) with their homework & studying (we have 50/50 custody with BM) for over 7 years now and FDH & I have recently gotten engaged, so I thought "Hell, why not?" LOL!!!

Let me preface this by saying I KNEW THAT I DID NOT WANT TO BE AN "ACTIVE" PARTICIPANT at the P/T conferences...just wanted to see what the school does and what productive things (if anything) were actually accomplished at them. I had no "expectations", if you will. I had no "pipe dreams" of swooping in to save the day and actually PARENT these skids enough to care about their education. After all, I disengaged about a year ago...chuckle, chuckle, chuckle...

I contacted BM the day before to let her know I'd like to attend the P/T conferences - and my intentions to just be an "observer". Also, I wanted to give her the "courtesy" of the phone call so that if she had ANY problems with my attendance at them, as their mother, she had her chance to tell me - I told her I would not be offended or otherwise if she did not want me to go. She said she had no problem. Fine.

I just have to say that one of the MOST IMPORTANT things I learned from going to P/T conferences is that PARENTS NOWADAYS SEEM TO HAVE NO PROBLEM MAKING 1,000,000 EXCUSES FOR THEIR CHILD'S POOR PERFORMANCE!!! I found myself REALLY relating to skids' teachers and their frustrations in trying to get them to actually WORK HARD, DO THEIR CLASSWORK, DO THEIR HOMEWORK, GET GOOD GRADES ON EXAMS, etc...!!! The teachers were VERY NICE and I could tell that they were organized, educated, caring people! I knew this already though...

So, here's where I have to give you a good laugh - 1 example of my "first experience with BM & P/T conferences":

FSS13 is doing very poorly in math - about a D/F average. I spoke with his math teacher - she was delightful, smart and positive. I learned A LOT in that very brief 10 minutes of time they give you about HOW she teaches her class, her expectations, her lesson plans, how organized she was, etc... I could tell very quickly that she literally SPOON FEEDS these kids with how to "master" the subject and how to do WELL in her class. Really, her expectations were NOT SKY HIGH at all - and in my opinion, ANY kid not getting an "A" in that class is simply too lazy to care, too lazy to perform and DESERVES an "F"! I thanked her for her time and suggestions, we shook hands and I left.

Ran into BM a little while later in the hallway - I decide to ask her what SHE thought of FSS13's math teacher. She proceeds to BADMOUTH her, saying "Oh, she's TOOO HAARRRD on the students." "She's REEALLLY a HIGH SCHOOL math teacher, not an 8th grade math teacher." "She complains and whines to the students that she doesn't LIIIKKEE teaching 8th grade math and that she'd RATHER teach high school math." "She fails ALLLL the kids, not just FSS13." "She shouldn't be teaching 8th graders." So forth and so on.

THESE ARE THE WORDS OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A PARENT WHO TEACHES THEIR CHILD to just BLAME EVERYONE ELSE for their OWN FAILURES in life!!
BM is teaching fskids exactly how to whine and moan your way through life, and make excuses for why you fail when you do. Pathetic, nothing more, nothing less.

There are so many, many, many more examples of my "Day with BM at the P/T Conferences" story, but they are all JUST as pathetic, JUST as frustrating, JUST as ridiculous.

Keep on making those excuses for your lazy, entitled, obnoxious children, parents, KEEP ON MAKIN' EM!!

I can clearly see the paths of skids' lives: falling FLAT ON THEIR FACES when REAL LIFE hits them, when NO ONE CARES about the excuses they make in the adult world.

It was a really "interesting" bit of time I spent with BM that day. I didn't say "enlightening" in the intelligent sense, just "interesting" (sarcasm dripping).

Comments

paul_in_utah's picture

Pretty similar to my experiences. When SS20 was in high school, I was frequently called in to "clean things up" when his grades got out of control. Needless to say, his perfect bio-daddy, nor my DW, could be bothered to handle tough stuff like this.

He ultimately graduated, but barely. If he hadn't been allowed to take easy classes his last semester (where all he had to do was show up to class), he would not have graduated.

Milomom's picture

yep, paul, unfortunately there are probably MANY of us that go through the same thing with this with the BIOparents and their TOTAL FAILURE to actually PARENT their children - seems to be especially common in the realm of skids' education.

Yep, FDH always sends skids to ME when they need help understanding a concept or studying for an exam. Meanwhile, the "damage control" is almost IMPOSSIBLE because the skid hasn't even CRACKED A BOOK YET (classwork or homework) to even know HOW TO BEGIN studying!! How do these BIOPARENTS not know that their kids aren't doing anything?? Like you said, they DO know, but they CAN'T BE BOTHERED to handle the tough stuff - they're too busy being FRIENDS with their kids instead of their PARENTS. This whole topic just BURNS ME UP!!

Thanks for your reply, paul - it's nice to know it's not just us StepMOMs (or in my case, FSM) that have to endure this crap - and that it actually happens to the StepDADs too!!

My FSD16 will likely BARELY graduate, too - and only because it seems that these school districts are FORCED to just "push them through" to the next grade (or to graduate). It's like they are literally walking out of 12th grade in a TOTAL FOG like "Duh, what do I do NOW??" Sigh....

Just out of curiousity, what is SS20's life like now? Let me guess - still living at home? no job? parents still paying for everything for him?

See, that's where my fskids' "gravy train" ends - in Milomom's world, they are OUT OUT OUT of our home once they turn 18 unless they are in college full-time AND have a full-time job!!!

Milomom's picture

naturalmom, as usual you are SPOT ON!! This term: "parentally-endorsed non-achievement"! THIS IS EXACTLY the term for what is happening with today's children!! What is WRONG with these parents??? Where is this all coming from - this whole "movement"??

I agree with you also with this: "...that's what it is - the LAZINESS of people who make children and then think that's where the job ends - that simply producing the child is the equivalent to having done something great, having no sense of place in society and where their child actually, realistically, belongs in it."

***Milomom standing up CLAPPING!!!*** Thank you, naturalmom, for understanding EXACTLY the point I was trying to convey in my original post!!!

Where does this END???? How do we PREVENT this from happening?? Do you remember growing up and NONE of the parents EVER CONDONED a child's poor performance or total lack thereof??? Heck, if you ever brought home a report card with ONE bad grade (anything less than an "A" or a "B"), you FEARED FOR YOUR LIFE when your parents found out??? Does ANYONE EVER remember their parents making EXCUSES for them like the parents of today do for their kids??? My parents NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER BLAMED any of our teachers for ANYTHING!! Parents backed-up the teachers - and that was THAT!!! None of this ridiculous fantasy world coddling!!!

What ever happened to a parent actually being EMBARRASSED by their child's poor performance/failing grades?? What ever happened to a good, old-fashioned CRACKING DOWN on kids and making them CRACK THE BOOKS!! Seems nowadays, failing grades are acceptable!! Must be the TEACHER'S FAULT!!!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Here's another LAUGHABLE tidbit I learned at the P/T conferences...the students are NOT ALLOWED to carry their books in their backpacks through the middle school from class to class! They must leave the backpacks in their lockers and carry just the books for each class to that class! I was like "WHHAAATTT?" Why, oh why, would THAT RULE exist?? Oh, because "studies" have shown that a student carrying a HEAVY BACKPACK on their shoulders/backs is detrimental to their health!!! It's TOO HEAVY for their POOOR SHOULDERS/BACKS!!! OMG, I think I threw up a little in my mouth when I read that in a flyer!!!

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

stepmom31's picture

You know, I really don't understand this thing about lockers here in the US, and even the provision of school books, which while it's certainly good in some aspect, if the kids never get to bring the books home, I don't know how that's good at all.

The skids NEVER bring books home on the weekend, as if they're not supposed to do any revision on the weekend. I don't know if they bring books home during the week, I supposed they would ONLY if they got HW to do.

Where I went to school, you brought your books home everyday and parents had ample opportunity to look through all of them, to be on top of what the kids were doing in class. The backpack was heavy, absolutely, but most kids managed. Heck, I think my back and shoulders are probably stronger because of that, but walking home sometimes was really tough and it sure made me appreciate my parents more for organizing a ride home when they did.

Anyway, SD once complained about how she's doing bad because her teacher doesn't like her, and DH was starting to give in to the excuses and even make excuses himself about the teacher being too hard on her. Well, I did not stay quite, I reminded him that both parents and teachers, and also the student himself, are responsible for the success of a kid in school. It's so true that when kids learn to make excuses rather than learning to be accountable is when the problem starts, and who do they learn to make excuses best from - their parents! I may be wrong but divorced parents often think they have the ultimate excuse to not hold the kids accountable, which is that "it's tough for the kid because their parents are divorced", when, in essence, they themselves are not behaving accountably due to the EXCUSE that they are divorced.

hismineandours's picture

I would love to find some research and statistics on skids academic underachievement vs that of children of intact families. It truly is sad. It happened in our situation as well. SS lived with us until midway thru his 4th grade year. He always had average and some above average grades on his report card. He did have issues with adhd and paying attention-but the work that he did was always correct and well done. It was a biatch getting him to do his homework every night (we are talking hours of battles to get him to do one worksheet) and he would pull every trick known to man to try and avoid doing the actual work (forgetting his books at school, lying about assignments, etc) so it required much effort to keep him on track. But with that effort you got an a,b,and occassional c student. You got a student who always did his homework (except on the few occassions he outsmarted me-although he'd eventually get caught and just have to do it and turn it in later or skip his recess to do it). He passed our state testing that year in the average range, but he was very close in both math and language arts to being in the above average range.
Fast forward to him moving in with bm in 4th grade. His first report card was full of F's. Well, ok not much was made of that-he moved in the middle of grading period, yadda, the stress of it all, blah, blah. However this pattern has continued until this kid has reached 7th grade. He has failed his state testing every stinking year since the move. He consistently does not do his work. Any a's are in things like gym-all core classes are c's and below. At the end of the last grading period-two different teachers of ss's were calling the bm's house and sending dh emails begging someone to try and get him to do all of his missing assingments. They were offering him credit for assignments that were 9 weeks late.
Which I guess he ended up doing about half. So with the teachers accepting his late assignments, teachers giving him "extra credit" on the last day of the grading period that just coincidentally bumped him up from f's to d's and once again ss has been successful in doing the minimal amount of work and still passing. He has it down pat and is excellent at it. It drives me crazy-yet doesnt seem to bother anyone else. I just ignore it now.
I feel like his history PROVES that ss has potential to be an average/above average student however he needs someone to stay on top of him to make sure he is doing it. No one is willing to do that now. BM's usual method is to have no clue nor concern about ss's grades until the 2 weeks before the grading period ends and the teachers start calling saying that he is failing. He is then grounded for the next two weeks until he brings grades up-although he is never completely grounded from anything, because she doesnt pay close enough attention to what he is doing. He is only "grounded" when she remembers it.
I think in ss's case-bm had NO clue how difficult his behavior was. She had an older dd that pretty much did her homework without much intervention and I think that's what she expected of ss. When she realized that it would literally take hours of her every evening she wasnt interested. Dh, when ss lived here, had such a hard time admitting that ss was a sneaky little liar. so if dh asked "is your homework done?" and ss said "why yes daddy" then dh just believed him as he could not face the fact that ss was both lazy and unmotivated as well as a liar.