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Mightbedoomed's picture

I need help. Next week my house goes up for sale and my daughter 13 and I will be moving in with boyfriend and his autistic son, 12. My daughter wants no part of him or his son and they know it. We’ve taken them both on trips with us to try and get them to bond but to no avail. His son is in karate and dance which he is not good at all. His son isn’t too high on the spectrum btw. He makes eye contact, talks, lovable just lives in a cartoon world. Most conversations are about spongebob which drives my teenager nuts. My bd could be a little more empathetic and try a little bit harder but she has nothing in common with him and gives up after awhile. My daughter wants to be an equestrian more than anything, I can’t find too many kids in her area who love this more than anything like herself. I’ve spent money I don’t have helping her to compete. My boyfriend works 80 to 90 hours a week and has not gone to any of her shows or school events. Also because my daughter and her father don’t want him there.  I, on the other hand, have gone to birthday parties and shows for my boyfriends son. His ex wife actually made me take a picture of them at a recital, my boyfriend, their son like they are still a family. It took a lot of willpower not to throw the camera at her head..anyway. My boyfriends son is having a birthday party and recital on the same day. I have my daughter that day and she doesn’t want to go. I said no thank you. It became a huge fight. How could I break his sons heart and leave my daughter alone at home if she doesn’t want to go. My daughter is not use to being alone and I feel like I’m choosing his son over her. I told him I don’t need to go and that he’s never gone to anything of my daughters. Should I still move in? We are actually seeking family counseling next week to help but I feel like he’s being selfish. It can’t just be about him and his kid right?!? I’m trying not to overreact but I don’t even know how are life is going to work out? Also once I move in I’ll be in that situation for awhile due to financials. 

Comments

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

none of that sounds like its fun now and it will only get worse in the future. dont sell your house. dont make your daughter live where she is second class and clearly uncomfortable.

I know its hard with autistic kids, but sometimes you have to listen to the context of what they are saying rather than the words. My nephew is one of the loves of my life and he uses phrases from shows to communicate how he's feeling. You actually have to know what is going on in the show to understand what hes trying to convey. Little man went from barely making eye contact to voluntarily giving me hugs and calls me "Aunt Dana". Dana is another aunt on his dad's side but hes letting me know he recognizes and trusts me. The first time he called me that, I melted. 

Mightbedoomed's picture

I appreciate your response. I really don’t mind being single but what if I leave him and it was a mistake. I might add, my daughter is being influenced by her father who is jealous but I don’t want to hurt my daughter either. Thank you for reaching out. I truly appreciate it.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

you cant know the future and the biggest mistake you can make is putting your daughter in an unbearable homelife. Would it hurt to put off the sale of your house and wait another six months. your boyfriends reaction to this whole situation is disgusting. I've broken up with men for lots less than that. 

STaround's picture

This guy works 80-90 hours a week, and has even a moderatly SN child?  Are you going to be caring for his kid?  Of course he is willing to be nice to his ex, how can he possibly care for his son without sustantial help from her?   I need to understad better what his/your plan is. 

SteppedOut's picture

My guess is he thinks she will watch his kid while he's working and will turn to the same oldies but goodies so many have heard the minute we start to stand up for ourself - "You hate my kid". "You don't really want to be a family". "You knew what you were getting in to".

notsobad's picture

You need to slow things down and make sure that both of you are on the same page when it comes to living together.

What exactly does he expect from you? Are you willing/able to meet his expectations?

What expectations do you have of him? Will he meet them?

IF he is expecting that you will automatically become one big happy family, he has another thing coming. You need to start as you mean to continue. Don't put yourself, him and both your children through unnecessary trauma.

Harry's picture

A real detail plan.  Who going to watch SS when SO is working 80 hours a week.  Don’t put yourself into watching basically babysitting SS.  His EX will always be front and center in your life with a special needs kid. Are the five of you going vacation together.  DH, you DD, SD and his EX ?  

I can understand how your DD doesn’t want to be part of this.  You may lose your DD to your EX her father who could give her a more fulfilling life

shamds's picture

You say your boyfriend has never gone to any of your daughters shows but clearly say your ex (her dad) and your daughter don’t want him there out of petty spite

if your boyfriend cares bout you and wants to support you and your daughter on a special day, you banning him from going to please your daughter already says your boyfriend is 2nd class

when you get in a new relationship there is always this power struggle. You need to kick reality into your daughter’s  life that this may is your boyfriend and he wants to be present to support her on her special day, it may feel awkward to her but you and daughter plus ex banning him from it screams you still are emotionally married because you’d much rather care about their selfish feelings than your boyfriend who i assume is in a serious relationship with you based on the above you mentioned

don’t get too petty about the picture thing, about 6 months ago hubbys 2 daughters aged 22 & 13 reinitiated contact after 5/6 yrs and first meet hubby wanted me nd our 2 toddlers there as we are a part of his family and life, at one point we asked a staff at restaurant to take pics and later hubby asked i take pics of him and his 3 kids with my kids there, i didn’t chuck a hissy fit about it

the bio mum wanted a pic of their child with his dad on a special day, they are entitled to that as bio parents just like as if it were graduation day, but you’re allowing your ex to dictate who in your life thats serious can or can’t be around your daughter which is likely in no court order

your ex does not control who in your life can or can’t go to support your daughter for special events, its like he’s trying to assert his authority on your boyfriend because he’s not man enough to accept you moving on with another man

would your ex do the same privilege and courtesy to not bring a woman friend or partner along to your daughters performances because you asked for it? I doubt the answer would be a yes so that is very hypocritical of him

thinkthrice's picture

for your lives!  Choose a child free spouse!!

mro's picture

Isn't that a double standard?  He has to out up with her teenager but he can't have kids of his own?  Don't think that will solve the issue of her kid and her ex not wanting her to date.  How about no spouse, until kid is 18?  Worked for me.

mro's picture

Don't move in.  What's the hurry? Is it for financial reasons? Bad idea.  Better you sell the house and get an apartment with your daughter.

What are the expectations you have for each other if you do move in?  Will you pay half the expenses to live there?  Will he continue whatever care arrangements he has for his son now or is he expecting you to take over? Just what kind of a relationship will you have with him working 90 hours a week, anyway? I've been there and it is not conducive to a marriage/partnership.  Is this workload temporary or permanent? How does he feel about your daughter not wanting him at her events?  It kind of sounds like you were blaming him, but she doesn't want him there anyhow.  If she changes her mind, your ex doesn't get to decide if he attends.  Are you willing to stand up for your partner? 

I would definitely put off a move.  Maybe until your kid is 18.  If it is he who is pushing you into it or giving you an ultimatum, I would put it off indefinitely.

susanm's picture

Maybe I am reading this wrong but it seems like the sticking point is your daughter who refuses to even try in this situation.  It sounds like you are bending over backwards for her and, as you said, spending money that you don't have on her.  I would hope that she would be willing to reciprocate a bit to make your life easier.  Am I missing something here?

STaround's picture

 

If I were the DD, and mom was suggesting we move with a guy who is never there but has a SN kid, I see myself being drafted into babysitting.   MOM needs to tell us what is the plan to care for her FDH's kid.  To say, the kid is in school (either regular or SN) does not answer who is supposed to care for the kid when he is home.   

If mom does not have money for horses, then it  has to be cut back, BUT that should have happened earlier, not part of discussion as to mom moving in with her BF

Want2's picture

“His ex wife actually made me take a picture of them at a recital”

No. No one “makes” you do anything. You chose to.

So you didn’t want to do something but bent to someone else’s desire. And in your mind you were made to do it.

This mindset is going to do you in. Especially in the situation you are contemplating at present.

Do not move in with this man. You have too much work to do on yourself before you could even come close to the healthy level you would need to make it work. And I’m betting once you do this work you will have changed your mind anyway.

Don’t put yourself and your daughter into a place where you will fail. Because as you are now you will fail, I guarantee it.

beebeel's picture

Well from the sounds of things, you and your daughter are causing most of the problems.

You have allowed your kid to ban your BF and his kid from her events. He must have tried to attend at first, but your kid did or said something that made it clear he's unwelcome? What happened?

You have allowed her to ice these people out simply because they talk about things that don't interest her? She's probably not interesting to them, either, but I doubt you would ever let them treat her like this.

You are refusing to go to his child's birthday party because your daughter is being a brat. I really hope this guy opens his eyes and breaks up with you. His poor son doesn't need to live with a jerk who has zero compassion for him. The outside world is tough enough on those with autism. 

So yeah, for the sake of that little boy, don't move in with them. Give your daughter everything she ever wants, even if you can't afford it, and even if it means you must be single and lonely forever.  You've given her this kind of power, so good luck ever taking it back.

bananaseedo's picture

BRAVO, 100pct agree, you and your DD are the problem here.  Don't move in.  Stay single until 18-your DD sounds like a manipulative brat. The typical SD most of us on this board loathe.

 

shamds's picture

the op has alot of work in herself and the relationship and attitude of her daughter

the bit where op says the autistic son does karate and dance and isn’t very good but her daughter is an equestrian and finds no commonalities between them so simply refuses to socialise and op is spending money she doesn’t have

oh hun you have major issues here. The world is full of people with incompatibilities, differences etc but we don’t act cocky about it and shut them out or refuse to socialise with them.

in the real world we keep an open mind because in the workplace you re bound to have different people but we still lern to work with them as that is part of growing

then op is complaining how her boyfriend isn’t attending her daughters competitions but he’s been banned from attending by bio dad and the daughter but still works 80-90 weeks but according to your post your boyfriend still wants to attend but you’ve banned him and now your shunning blaming him because of it that now he wants you there at his sons special day but because selfish stuck up daughter is too good and proud to socialise with the mediocre autistic son, that a huge fight has developed

from what op has said the boyfriend wants to be there but now a fight has developed because the daughter is too good to socialise with him and the mums boyfriend so i don’t believe we should be saying well from the daughters pov she will be a glorified babysitter. She is a minor, she does what her parent does and when she is a mature adult she can decide who she will socialise and live with if she has the money for it

the fact this man is even welcoming this daughter and op into his life despite the way him and his son have been treated by them, i have huge respect for this man

op the only way to sort out this issue between your daughter not socialising with someone beneath her is “FORCIBLE INTEGRATION” and not being bullied by the exhusband on who can be present at daughters competition

if you bring your boyfriend along to your daughters competition and exhusband and daughter act immature and throw a major hissyfit while your boyfriend maintains his composure, you got a good supportive man there who’s being treated like crap by others

beebeel's picture

Nothing in the OP said anything about her or the daughter caring for the boy. WHY would any parent want someone who openly dispises their special needs child to care for him? You are inventing reasons to justify this girl's bratty behavior. Why?

STaround's picture

If the BF works 80-90 hours a week and sleeps 8 hours a night (56 hours a week), that accounts for 146 hours a week, and there are 168 hours in a week.  So the BF has 22-32 hours a week left.  Who is taking care of the BFs kid?  Lets say BF gets his kid every other weekend plus one night a week.  On the weekend he gets his kid (say 5 hours on Friday, 16 on Saturday and 10 on Sunday, I dont want to double count adult sleeping time), FDH get NO TIME for anything other than work, sleep and look after his kid. Actually, he has run out of time.   On the weekend he does not have his kid, he still has the one night, and any misc time.   

I have asked for answers, and it seems to me that the BFs kid will consume alot of time. 

beebeel's picture

Well I assume the boy came out of the uterus of a woman he calls mom and she takes care of him the majority of the time while dad works. Kids require time. OP's child requires time, too, as horse shows are a huge time suck. They each have a child that requires time and energy and that shouldn't be a shock to either of them.

All of this is irrelevant, however, to the main issue, which is her daughter acting like a jerk to the BF and his kid.

Disneyfan's picture

The OP's kid may be a brat, but that doesn't mean this guy isn't looking for someone to play mommy to his kid.

Hell, the guy is already acting like a jerk because the OP doesn't want to leave her kid home alone in order to attend his kid's party and recital.

beebeel's picture

A 13 year old can't stay home for a few hours while she attends her bf's son's birthday party? How is the guy being a jerk? It said they argued, but I didn't read anything that indicated he was a jerk about it. Mom can't be involved in the kid's life because her bratty teenager refuses to go? Huh. Nothing in the OP states the BF wants her to play mommy. 

Disneyfan's picture

There's a Birthday party and a recital.  That's more than just a few hours.  It doesn't matter if it's a few hours or a few minutes.  She told him she would rather skip it and stay with her daughter.  He should respect that.

Let's face it, most step parents  would rather spend time doing nothing with their bios than attending events with their SKs.

beebeel's picture

True. But most stepparents also suck it up for special events like birthday parties. Most partners want to be there for each other's special moments. She doesn't have to attend the recital as well the party. I'd tell my kid he could go to the party with a smile on his face or stay home while I went without him. 

I would be very disappointed in my GF, whom I have invited to live with me and share my life, had I been this guy. I would be wondering what other events important in my life she will refuse to attend because her kid is being a brat. I would be worried about her kid's attitude affecting other decisions that she makes. It's hard to "respect" a parent when they abdicate all authority to their child. 

shamds's picture

my daughter could be more empathetic to the autistic son of boyfriend. Actually daughter needs a good kick up the arse. No way in hell would i be happy and accept raising a child and allowing them to behave bratty, disrespectfully, rudely and show no humility. She has told the mum that boyfriend and his son are beneath her and not in her usual circle of socialisation.

i came from a western country, married an asian man from a country town who worked his way up the corporate ladder and whose family are very simple people, i don’t ever rub it in their faces. I am always the same easygoing person i have been and polite when i meet them. We do the usual niceties but i am never a jerk.

op needs to teach her daughter basic manners and address the various issues many of us have brought up first before moving with this man

Want2's picture

Here’s the part where he’s being a jerk:

“I said no thank you. It became a huge fight. How could I break his sons heart”

OP has every right to say no thank you. Then apparently the guy tried to lay a guilt trip on her.

That’s manipulative and unacceptable.

 

shamds's picture

 

This man expected her to support him and his son for his special day (his birthday) because she is his serious girlfriend about to move in with him. When op says no won’t go because her daughter is being a manipulative controlling brat, that insults and hurts the boyfriend heeps because she’s said he and his kid are not even remotely important that because the bratty daughter is too high class to socialise with these low class beings and wants to stay home and now the girlfriend is staying home because of this. 

The daughter is playing a piwer struggle and controlling the mum and others and thats not being addressed

i myself have major issues with my ss but when we are on a family vacation together where he ignores us all in silence but its his birthday, i suck it up and take pics when hubby asks to. I go about my dad as usual doing my own activities with hubby and when its dinner time, i’m just civil even though ss ruins the mood just by being present. 

Kids these days have a long way to come with basic manners because alot of parents refuse to do the basic discipline of their child when behavioir like this starts

shamds's picture

and op and daughter have not been asked to care then  there must be other arrangements the boyfriend has for the caring of his son

but in any committed relationship or marriage there will be times if say you’re the stay at home wife or partner where you will care for your partners child if they are the sole income earner if their income is contributing towards putting a roof over op and her daughters head and food on the table and who knows these luxury horse riding lessons, i think its selfish for either the op or her daughter to complain that they will be potentially glorified babysitters because they are benefiting living in the boyfriends home and income. How would the babysitting be any different to when op might say have kids with this man? Will there be double standards in daughter willing to babysit at times or will she say no she won’t because she doesn’t socialise with the boyfriend and his son and this child is of their kind?? Babysitting and caring for the child/minor is part of any relationship and marriage because your partner is counting and relying on you to be their support system, if they can’t count on you this relationship has no hopes of surviving

please op, don’t say your boyfriends son is in dance and karate and not any good at it. That just comes across so snobby when you are having a daughter being an equestrian but you’re not upperclass filthy rich people. Some people are bad at certain things but still participate as a hobby and to build up skills. This kid might want to socialise with others and sees these activities as helping that and being beneficial learning self defense too is a bonus and his dad is happy for him to participate in this because he’s doing something practical and not couped up in his room like a loner. 

Incase you don’t know the basics of autism, people with this condition often find it very hard to socialise and keep to themselves unaware whats going on. My own nephew has it and even at 7 yrs old he doesn’t talk to others, he stares at an ipad all day long to keep him calm and quiet, his parents haven’t managed the skills to try and encourage interaction with others and even at playgroups he plays on his own so the fact this kid is actually engaging in these activities is amazing, he might not be great but he has an impairment thats set him back which is not his fault. 

As a partner of his dad, you should be encouraging and supporting his child, not criticising and doing nothing to encourage and develop his skills and say he’s not good but yet your daughter from a normal family who isn’t filthy rich is doing horse riding and entering competitions which you are struggling to finance and she has no care or concern of this financial situation and you are raising a seriously unempathetic child. My husband has 3, he knows he screwed up the parenting and being married to the ex but he has asked for guidance from me and tips and is continually trying to better things even when it takes forever. His kids are 13, 20 & 22 and both my 2 kids aged 1.5 & 3 each show more compassion than all if his kids plus the ex wife combined times a million

Any marriage or relationship where you are settling with a partner who has kids and benefit off their income and home but refuse to help with caring or minding their kids here and there will never survive, exception is if the spouse is clearly handballing responsibility 

when I married my husband he was running a bank at head office and expected i had home sorted most of the time as he was working an average 75 hour weeks and we’re not including weekend work functions and emergencies so I had to mind his kid although he was already 15 when i married dad it was more supervising and letting him know when dinner was ready and the past year i do mostly online grocery shopping and hubby is used to me handling this as my domain because i am hapoy to. I have many issues with my ss but he is free to help himself to our fridge, he is not treated any differently or like he is beneath me. My husband also plays golf but he has a monthly salary of what an averge person earns in a year, he can afford it . Golf and horseriding are considered the game of kings/royalty so unless you are from this class or filthy loaded or full sponsorship, your daughter is being pampered with a flawed view that she is better than everyone. When she is older and can afford to eaarn money and pay for these lessons by all means go right ahed or if you win the lottery but when you don’t have the money, having a roof over your head and food on the table and a loving caring family is more important and the fact your boyfriend and his son have been civil, polite and mde her feel welcome only for her to treat them horribly, damn straight your boyfriend is beyond pissed off at you.

we have 2 toddlers of our own but it doesn’t change things when my ss is back from uni and letting hubby know when there are issues or he asks me to help ss with something, i’m not chucking a hissy fit if its within reason and something hubby needs my help and expertise about, thats what being in a normal relationship is all about and my own husband has told his son he will be expected to soend time with our kids (his half siblings by force)

it just seems op wants to benefit from this relationship but not contribute towards it in any way or have her daughter integrate and participate. How is any potential babysitting or forcing she spend time with the boy any different from full siblings spending time?

my best advice to you and bear in mind my mum was hell strict on basic manners and no nonsense behaviour, is you march that daughter of yours to your boyfriend sons birthday and you make her hand that boy his present and say happy birthday to him like she means it and she smiles in a birthday pic with him and your boyfriend. When she behaves rudely or talks disrespectfully to your boyfriend and his son is you tell her she has 10 seconds to apologise and mean it, that is how my mum would correct and discipline me even in front of family because she wanted others to know she had very high standards in basic manners and etiquette and at the end of the day if your daughter ruined part of his birthday, apologise to your boyfriend and his son so they can see you actually care about them and you can redeem yourself a bit. Explain to your daughter as the elder one, she should be setting an example and the way she has behaved is beyond apalling and disappointing to you and that this kid has behaved way better than her. This is something my husband has said to his adult son and he did answer back and chuck hissy fits and get into verbal arguments with hubby but my husband never gave up, 4 years on and we’re still trying to kick sense into this kid and believe me my husband has major respect for me that through the horrific unacceptable treatment i and our kids have been subjected to by his kid, and hubby enabled this to continue for so long, that i am still his rock by his side when his kids with ex have been major pains in the butt and i have every right to walk away from this marriage but i don’t because these skids of mine have been neglected by bio mum and i’m the only positive role model outside the mum and dad relationship they have. Being a better supportive prtner and parent is the right thing to do but not everyone is willing to do it

reflect back now and ask yourself are you happy with the child you have raised and how she treats others and how i have handled myself through all this because compared to what those of us in blended marriages and relationships of many years living in the same house, what you’re dealing with currently is a tiny blip so seriously read through the advice here no matter how blunt it is as a positive way to better yourself and your child because you and your daughter are gonna torment and torture this man and his kid through hell purely because you can and won’t do anything to actively rectify it. 

Disneyfan's picture

If you absolutely must move in with your BF, allow your daughter to go live with her father.

Based on the last line of your OP,  it appears that living with him will hurt you financially.   Giving up your home(financial security/ independence) to move into a situation that will create financial hardships for a while is not a smart thing to do.

 

MollyBrown's picture

Do not sell your house.   There are so many red flags waving.   People often say they didn’t know what they are getting into.   This is your warning. 

tog redux's picture

I don't think kids should dictate what parents do - but on the other hand, parents do need to take kids into account when making major life decisions.  So many times on here, someone moves their 3 kids in with their new love's 4 kids and then can't figure out why everyone is miserable and the families can't blend.

It can be a very selfish decision to further your own relationship at the expense of your child's well-being.  And my guess is, that if you do so, her father will try to get custody of her and might win if she's unhappy and wants to live with him.

Just keep separate homes until she's 18.

shamds's picture

they are holding their parents hostage from moving on in their life. So they prefer their parents being miserable for their selfish happiness??

life isn’t fair, its not a popularity contest where kids hold their parents ransom and say i don’t want you moving on in your life with someone. If they can’t handle this, how do they ever learn to handle the tough real world

any respectful mannered child would see their parent happy being separated from the ex and moving on with a new partner and realise that their parents are better apart than together. Its not about the child only and any child demanding  a parent not move on in their life for their sake and take only their feelings into account, do you think that same child would allow their parent the same right in their choice of partner? 

Of course not they would tell their parents to butt out, thats the hypocrisy. If there are serious allegations or proof of say drugs, paedophilia etc where they would be in danger, for sure a child has that right to voice their concerns but there is none of this, just a bratty daughter trying to control mummy being together with daddy in her life.

if op can’t make herself available for significant others special occasions because bio daughter wouldn’t socialise with them as its not her scene or too beneath her, thats the real issue needing to be addressed as a major concern as kids rarely grow out of this attitude problem. Op is gonna end up with a pampered princess with no concern or understanding of others and expecting everything dropped for her, robbing her parents of any happiness for her selfishness

tog redux's picture

I think it has to be a balance. I see a lot of people on here who put their kids in crappy situations with feral stepsiblings just because they are "in love".  People who move their kids away from the other parent because of "love".  People who then divorce, yet again, and yet again move their kids around. 

Minor children are the first responsibility of any parent, above, in my opinion, their own needs for a partner.  If you can remarry and make it work for your kid, fantastic. But if you know your kid will be miserable and you do it anyway, you are selfish.  Put some more thought into it other than just deciding you are the adult so the kids will do whatever makes you happy.

I'm not saying kids get to decide, I'm saying their needs are taken into consideration and honestly taken into consideration, not just, "Oh, they will adjust".

But I'm not someone who needs to have a partner above everything else.

shamds's picture

with feral kids the issue is the parent not willing to parent their kid and take a no nonsense approach then involve others

there are plenty who remarry and admit or are upfront to their partners and spouse that their kids are a nightmare and i screwed up or need help. Parents who sacrifice getting into a relationship because of shitty undisciplined, illmannered kids etc will resent them

i believe a marriage/relationship always comes first because through that is how humans learn to function properly and treat others as basic human beings- thats the struggle. When kids are put first always, they become spoilt brats unempathetic to the world and others

thats not to say when a marriage or relationship is put first that kids never ever are a priority, there are times when they will be when there are issues or they’re sick etc, like you said there needs to be a balance and thats a struggle

tog redux's picture

I think the marriage comes first too, after you've decided to marry. But part of your decision making when considering marriage should be how it will affect your kids. And if you knowingly move in with a man who can't parent and allows his kids to be feral, and put your kids through that, then you are being selfish.

As people on here say: The marriage is first priority, kids are your first responsibility. People who remarry solely to meet their own needs for sex/love/ whatever, even though they know the kids will be unhappy, are selfish. 

My skid was happy when we got married. He liked me. I don't know if DH would have married me if he hated me, and rightfully so.

marblefawn's picture

Why would you move in when you haven't worked out these little issues yet? And that's not even mentioning the bigger issues with your kid and your ex.

It sounds as if your own household isn't even in order and now you're involving others by moving in with them.

Equestrian sport is not for middle class people. I get that your princess wants it more than anything else in the world, but you are cash strapped and it's apparently forcing you into a living situation you already know your daughter will hate. That will be miserable for him and his kid. Where is the common sense????

Is a few hours on a horse worth your kid being miserable all the other hours of the day? When she's in the thick of a fit because she hates living with his son, do you think it will matter that you break your bank so she can participate in a luxury sport?

Let princess pick another hobby that you can afford then put that money into a neutral living situation. Don't move in with him until you've done the work you need to do to make it work -- and it sounds like that might take years, not months.

Right or wrong, (and I think it's wrong of a kid to dictate the living situation) your daughter is clearly showing you she is not on board with this setup. Do you have any idea what hell you're bringing on yourself, your family, his family and your relationship? Until you've taught her that she's not the center of the universe, don't shack up.

I realize saying you afford this ridiculously expensive thing for your kid probably seems like good parenting to you. It's not. Your priorities are confused. It sounds as if your kid has been given things most can't afford (including you). That's sometimes called "spoiled." If this is the dynamic, I doubt she's going to take this living situation well just for the sake of her mother's happiness. She has been raised to get what she wants, even when the family can't afford it -- that's not good training for empathy and cooperation. She will make your SO's life hell, not to mention his son.

Start training your daughter that she is not the center of the universe. Until she gets that, it's unfair to attach to others and make their lives miserable.

bananaseedo's picture

Yes, agreed again 100pct.  She's what nightmare SD's are made of.  IMO the OP/kid are the ones to be avoided.  Dont' move in w/anyone until she's 18 and independent, living on her own.  Work on maybe turning her into a half decent person during this time, she needs it.

 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

I grew up very middle class and helped pay for my horse's boarding fees by working my butt off at the stable. DD rides often and we are looking into getting her a nice pony. The trade off is that we will save on lesson fees because I can teach her basics and keep the horse trained and in shape, myself. It means we sacrifice like having to purchase used vehicles instead of new or living in a smaller home ( my house is currently around 400sqft.). But thats how life works. 

 

And even if I didnt have these skills, the riding lessons were not prohibitively costly. If DD gets to a level where she wants to compete, we will start by leasing a good horse, purchasing her show gear second hand and I will have to learn to braid manes and tails, myself. Thank goodness for youtube.

marblefawn's picture

Good for you -- you have some skills and opportunity that make riding affordable for your kid. Most people don't, including this OP, who said she's spending money she doesn't have for her daughter to ride. In fact, she said she's so financially strapped, she'd be stuck living with this guy no matter how bad it goes. She does not have the money for her kid to be in what is a decidedly pricey sport compared with running or basketball.

Other than the horse, your scenario and hers have little in common.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

as I said, I do have to pay for my daughters lessons. We don’t have a horse. point or not, it’s the part of your replay that I felt most qualified to comment on. It doesn’t have to be an expensive hobby. 

Funny you should bring up running. BS18’s cross country career has cost me exponentially more than riding lessons. Good shoes aren’t cheap, he needed two pair at a time and they needed to be replaced often for as many miles as he was running a day. In fact, a friend of mine practically went into bankruptcy supporting his son’s running career. He died suddenly and left his wife with terrible finances. Thankfully it all paid off and the kid is famous now. I wouldn’t be surprised if he shoots for the olympics.. that will cost his mom a fortune she doesn’t have.

DPW's picture

Honestly OP... reading your post, all I kept thinking was "what a clusterf*ck". There are so many issues in what you have written and I suspect many other issues that we are not aware of in your family dynamics that I really agree with what others have said - don't move in. Keep us posted.

Goodluck's picture

Please dont move in with this guy.

If you really have to move in with this mess---love your daughter more and let her live with dad. She is already upset about what your doing. She told you she is stressed.  LET HER HAVE SOME darn peace.

 

Mightbedoomed's picture

I understand. My daughter does need to grow up and the horseback riding I figured she would try and perhaps not like it but she ended up loving it. I’m not good at writing and can see the confusion. My daughter lost most of her friends at school due to the divorce because I no longer lived in the town, and even though I had no problem driving her back, most of the parents didn’t want to drive their kids to see us. Horseback riding became like her best and only friend. I work two jobs anyway and I just use some of the child support to help me pay for lessons. My boyfriend actually would rather work extra hours due to the fact he owns a home and his child support is astronomical. It just seemed to me he always put in for overtime when my daughter had something then when his son did but there are times he worked on his own son. My ex doesn’t dictate anything but he’s a bully. He wouldn’t say anything to me or my boyfriend but unfortunately he then takes his anger out or tells his daughter how sad he is too her making her feel bad. My ex did a lot of things against us so it’s always been me and her. I guess I tried to protect us from everyone but made it worse for her socially. I never wanted her to feel hurt or uncomfortable in any situation but I guess like you said, I gave her too much power too. Your right, I worried if I would I just be a babysitter to his son. Also the picture thing with the ex had just been the icing on the cake. Now that she found someone and is engaged we actually get a long much better but now that she’s with the fiancé she’s never asked for another family photo of her and her ex husband. That was just for my benefit. It wasn’t to show her son or make a memorable moment for him but there was more to it leading up to it but maybe at that particular time she wasn’t being catty. My boyfriend is a police officer hence the hours if any of you are familiar. My boyfriend is going to make an effort to show up more. I do love him and hoping professional help will help us including me because I know I have some resentment to things in the past. I’ve always been honest with him about my feelings. I’m not trying to do tit for tat but just think it shouldn’t be 90/10 or 80/20. Thank you for the responses, even the ones aimed at me. I know I have some work to do. At what point do you listen to your kid/kids or at what point do you say just try it, that maybe things won’t be so bad?

shamds's picture

And majority of the time they are understaffed and underpaid. Most responsible people will work extra if they can to make sure they are financially secure for the future so you won’t struggle and especially if this man is considering settling down with you he knows there will be more costs so its only natural he’d work a bit more when he can. Being with an officer or someone who doesn’t have a typical 9-5 job isn’t for everyone

divorce is tough on everyone involved but the problem is you haven’t at all taught your daughter adequate coping mechanisms to address any anger and hurt she has, thats setting her up for failure and making alot of these issues happen and she doesn’t just grow out of it in adult age

the mistake many parents make is tiptoing around kids because they don’t want to upset them more. They’re entitled to be upset after a divorce but they also need to see their parent confident, lively and happy instead of moping around which ends up in child holding all the power and manipulation for life and once it starts its almost impossible to nip in the butt

the child support you get should always be for basic necessities and not for luxuries unless you are beyond loaded and filthy rich and can afford it.

try seeing things from your boyfriends perspective and how he must be feeling because we often forget to and fight only seeing from our perspective solely.

Recently my own husband had his 3 kids with ex aged sd22, ss20 and sd13 demand outings alone with daddy, me and kids weren’t there and they pretended they were happy ffamily intentionally excluding us.

that hurt hubby heeps because we are his family too and he wants to relax with us on family outings and he couldn’t understand why we couldn’t get along civilly. When your husband is at work from 7am-10pm gets home every weekday, weekend is only valuable time and when his kids with ex ignore him unless they need pampering or money, hubby wasting 8 hours on a weekday to just sit there in silence with his kids at a restaurant is wasting valuable time as a family and hubby nipped that saying no in future the kids can come to our hone, we aren’t wasting alone time and keeping the families separate and doing separate activities all the time, that was the catalyst for forcible integration

i got to a point with 2 carsick toddlers having to drive for lazy stepkids and making all the compromises just to see them sit in sikence, it took everything in me to not grab my kids and walk off and get a taxi home. After that no more would i be expected to participate in these events.

its not fair to have people treat others the way your daughter does just because she can out of spite and manipulative power. You need to address that and mean it. Just like many said here how your daughter is treating others currently seriously torments and tortures others, its emotional abuse just because and she won’t apologise or see she did anything wrong but she can seriously ruin other peoples lives

Mightbedoomed's picture

The only time horseback killed me was when she was competing. Regular lessons don’t financially strap me.

Mightbedoomed's picture

I wrote after a very tough week and little sleep. I’m sorry, I won’t do that again. If I moved in with my boyfriend, rent in my area is very high. 1600 for a walk in closet if your lucky. I just meant I couldn’t move in then leave in a week, I would just have to save and possibly find a roommate 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

prolly better to wait this one out for a bit, especially if your bf is going to be guilting you this aggressively . Right now you have your own place and autonomy. When you move in with him you lose that advantage. 

Your daughter will be miserable and will have to walk on eggshells around bf’s son. God forbid she accidentally send him into a meltdown and police officer Disney dad lose his mind on her. Then you will be stuck between two raging, selfish men. Your daughter is allowed to speak up and express her discomfort with this. She’s 13, not 30. All of this directly effects her in ways she is powerless to mitigate other than her parents looking out for her best interests.

have you sat and considered how much like your ex your new bf is? 

Are you in financial trouble now? Do you have to sell your house? It doesn’t seem like moving in with bf is going to ease your finances any. That seems odd since it will become a 3 income household that one income is already supporting. Good Lord, woman, you aren’t moving in to “save” him, are you?

marblefawn's picture

It just sounds as if you still have to work out the issues before moving in with him. Once you're moved in, there will be some amount of time that you're financially stranded and stuck. That time could kill your relationship, not to mention the upheaval with your kid and his.

You don't say how long you've known him. I'd wait a good long time without kids to move in with someone. But with kids, you've got all those other personalities to consider. Any one of them could sink the new living arrangement, and even after you move out, you've got to deal with the upheaval living there at all caused the kids.

Because you're not sure, because you're already questioning it, the most prudent thing is to wait. If the relationship is solid, it will endure separate households, at least until you get your daughter on board with it. Just decide you're going to move in in, say, a year, and start grooming your daughter to make it work.

I think a lot more relationships would happily endure if more people paused before shacking up. Everyone is so quick to get in deep and combine households, but often it's with someone they'd never dream of marrying. If the person isn't good enough to marry, if you don't know him well enough to marry him, do you know him well enough to give him access to your finances, your money, your daughter, your credit, by moving in with him? There's a notion that just moving in together is safer than marrying -- it's what you do on the way to marriage -- but it's nearly the same thing in most aspects and when you move in, you're giving someone access to your most precious possessions.

Waiting won't kill the relationship if it's solid, but moving too fast will.