My own step parent issue
My Step father and I have never had a good relationship. He is a drinker and gets aggressive when he is drunk. Example - he ripped out the stove and beat it with a baseball bat. I have had no relationship with him since I graduated high school. I didn't in it's him to my wedding but he still showed up with my mom.
I recently gave birth to my first and my mom kept pressing the issue to allow my SF to meet BS. SF was in my home state this past weekend and he texted me when he could come by. He even had the nerve to ask to spend the night. I group texted him and my mom that the decision has been made not to introduce BS to SF at this moment because no attempt has been made to make amends. I also do not feel comfortable being alone with him because his anger is so extreme. He texted back and told me to go F myself and he demanded all the baby gifts that my mom purchased for us and he would be over to get them. I had to inform him that I would call the police.
My mom is siding with SF again. She thinks just because she is married to him, that he has some claim over my child.
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Comments
Well, this is a very
Well, this is a very uncomfortable situation and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.
I bet your mom is siding with SF because you're the reasonable one. I can't imagine what her life must be like. But, those are her choices and not your problem.
There is a family member in my own family who is never alone with his grandkids. There is ALWAYS at least two other adults present (one to handle him, one to handle the kids if things go sideways). So far nothing has gone wrong, and it's been 6 years, but that's the only way he's able to participate in their lives.
As you can imagine, it's also only a few times per year.
But he's the kids' grandfather. Not step-grandfather who scares you. Being your mother's partner means he should get treated with courtesy and respect. Not that you have to be best buds or bend over backwards to find a way to let him safely near your kid.
I'd just be polite and say no every time. If your mom and SF want to come over, make sure your DH or another adult is present so that you can take BS and leave if needed.
^^^ I concur.
^^^ I concur.
This is exactly what happens.
This is exactly what happens. My mom always blames me for his anger issues. I know she won't leave him. She likes his paychecks to much, and she's allergic to working.
This isn't really a
This isn't really a stepparent issue, this is an addict issue. You did everything just right. This may be hard to hear, but you may have to give up on your mom. This whole thing is about behavior. You cannot have this kind of behavior around your infant and you shouldn't want it in your life anyway.
A gift given is no longer the property of the giver so you can keep all the baby stuff if you want. But if you want to make a clean break or send your mom the message that you are serious about not having raging, violent people in your life, mail them back to her. Wipe your hands of the whole thing.
It is likely your Mom is facing these kinds of breaks with other people in her life because of him: friends, neighbors, church acquaintances, other relatives. At some point she is going to have to face that she is paying an enormous price for supporting his behavior.
She does not have to leave him if she has reasons not to, but she does have to disavow his bad behaviors and stop enmeshing herself in his every move.
Don't let your mom make this about it being a step situation. It is not. It is about terrible, frightening behavior.
I beleive I may have to give
I beleive I may have to give up on my mom as well. She always makes excuses for him when he acts like this. My mother is also a very angry person, so I beleive they are abusive and stuck to each other. My mother has never acted out violently and that's why I have allowed her to meet BS once.
She always tells me that I need to leave the past in the past and move forward with SF. I in return ask if I'm suppose to do this with Biodad (who I just met a few years ago) and first stepdad (man who raised me,but then didn't want anything to do with me as I got older). Her response is; "no, that's different". She always talks about these too as horrible people and inserts SF as some damn angle.
I'm just so over this. I want a better life for BS. A life with no anger or drama, and this is something my family lives for.
You are ready. Do it. It's
You are ready. Do it. It's the right time. You will be amazed at how much better life can be without all these dramas and fears and crazy conversations in it. You will regret from time to time the loss of what you hoped a grandmother would bring to this phase of your life, but you would never really get those things anyway. Your mom is just not that person.
The behavior you described from her husband is very, very scary. Get it out of your life and away from your infant.
It's possible your mom may come to her senses one day, if enough people do this to her. Best of luck.