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MIL is annoying me.

Midwest Stepmom's picture

I'm getting annoyed with MIL. She has been here for almost two weeks and I feel like I'm competing with her to hold my own baby. I feel sad because I haven't had the time to bond with my newborn. If he is laying down in the pack n play and makes a little noise, she will race me over there and pick him up. When I lay him down so I can go pump, with full intention of coming back to feed him myself. She will already have him in her arms and hands extended out waiting for me to give her the bottle.

My grandparents came down to see the baby before heading back to their home state (across the country). My MIL was making comments the whole time that she wanted to hold the baby.

I understand she is excited, but I think she needs to let ME bond with my baby. I enjoy getting up in the middle of the night when he is hungry or wet. I get alone time with him. Although she has mentioned that he could stay in her room - not a chance! I can't wait till Tuesday when it will just be me, dh, and little one.


QueenBeau's picture

I'm afraid of this, I'm going to have a talk with MIL & my mom both so they know they can help with house stuff & what I ask but the baby needs are from me unless I ask for help

Midwest Stepmom's picture

When she wanted to come visit to "help", I was thinking; great I can get some help with the house work and cooking. Nope, I've been doing all the cleaning and cooking for everyone - still trying to recover from a C section. All I want to do is sleep and be with my baby.

My husbands side is very conservative. So I try to stay polite, it's hard for me to speak up and demand something from his side. I will make hints that I want to feed, hold, or sit next to baby and she will respond with "oh no, that's okay".

QueenBeau's picture

You have to get more assertive. Say, "Thanks, but I'd like to feed my baby. Could you help with dinner? It's hard for me to stand up that long after the c-section."

Be straight forward.

Midwest Stepmom's picture

I have a MIL that's overpowering the situation and I have a mother that could care less. I can't seem to find a happy medium.

Shaman29's picture

Midwest. Learn to be firm now. Because this isn't going to get better as your baby gets older. When she tries to feed him or interfere, smile politely and say "Thank you but it would be a lot more helpful if you unloaded the dishwasher (or stared dinner or folded the laundry or ran the vacuum around or cleaned the bathroom).

Set your boundaries now and be prepared to reinforce them every time she's around. Doesn't matter if they're conservative. Doesn't matter if their feelings are hurt as long as you're polite but firm.

This is your child. She's already raised hers.

TinyDancer's picture

Congrats on the new baby Smile

Now, as for your MIL.... Stop pumping. Work on baby doing the actual feeding from the source. Stop letting her do what she wants and step up for you and your child to do it as you want. Yes, she's only there for a little while, but in the meantime your setting precedence by allowing her to have so much control. This is YOUR baby.
You as Mom need to remember that this is your responsibility to parent, not hers. Your time to bond with YOUR baby. She can change diapers, sing, take photos, but enough of letting her do as she wishes.
Just keep in mind that you want to begin as you intend to go on.

tabby yabba do's picture

Thank you for this thread. Smile My DD25 is 24 weeks pregnant and she/her hubby have asked me to be there for the delivery and a few weeks after (they live in another state). I'm so honored to have been included and was worried about what my role should be so I'm helpful but not over-bearing.

What I'm taking from this is maybe I should focus on helping with cooking and cleaning and alleviating those burdens, take pictures, handle some laundry and then wait for their cue to be baby-holding grandma Smile Squee, so excited.

B22S22's picture

Girl, let me tell you how it pans out over the years when MIL attempts to start when they're born...

My former MIL (my firstDH's mom) is a regular steamroller. Decided on her own that she was going to come "stay" with us for the first MONTH after my first child was born. Hell to the NO on that one. I know I hurt my DH's feelings and pissed her off, but it would have worked out the same way. I breastfed, so she wasn't going to be able to do the feeding, etc... and trust me, she had no intention of doing the manual labor stuff (cleaning, laundry, cooking). Plus, I could only stand her for about 2 hrs at a time, so a MONTH would have made me positively suicidal.

Fast forward, when my first DH was terminally ill, she announced to me that taking care of my DH was "my lot in life" and it was HER DUTY to raise my kids. Again, hell no! I birthed them, I'll take care of them. She couldn't stand being around her own son because of his terminal illness (sad story, not for this blog) and she and I were at each other all the time because I wasn't going to surrender my kids.

After my first DH passed, she started screaming "grandparental rights!!" and threatening to take me to court for custody, take me to court for medicating my severely ADHD son, threaten to get an injunction to me moving 30 min away (another state) because it was closer to my job. They bought a house just down the road from the one I used to live in, just so they could keep an eye on what was going on... and would ask me about every "strange vehicle" sitting in my driveway (like the guy who installed a new door... the plumber... the lawn care guy, etc) To this day, she doesn't hesitate to tell my kids how much better off they'd be living with her because she could give them everything they'd ever want. Most people deal with disney moms or disney dads, I deal with a psychotic disney grandma!

It's hard, because I promised my first DH I would never interfere with the relationship between our kids and his family. The majority of his family turned away from me, because it was easier than putting up with former MIL's constant bullshit about me, which really ramped up after I remarried. She's toxic, and as my kids grow older (they are now in their teens, they were 3 and 5 when my first DH passed) they are starting to see it. Unfortunately, they're starting to distance themselves also, but of course it's my fault... I just keep my distance and treat her like a stranger. If she wants to see my kids, she can call them and ask and they will in turn check with me (the only time I've said no is when we've had other plans but most of the time I leave it up to them).

And yes, all these years she has also been pretty snippy and bitchy towards my family, especially my mom because former MIL views them as "competition -- the enemy." Nobody in my family will even look her way, let alone acknowledge her.

Be strong... this is your baby, you gave birth, you will do the caring, nurturing, raising.

fakemommy's picture

Oh gosh. I have a few sisters like this, and my mom.... Sadly, my MIL passed away before we had any kids together. It is hard bonding with a newborn after a c-section. I'm glad for you that she'll be gone soon.

Not to be too nosy, but will the baby not latch?

Midwest Stepmom's picture

Baby will not latch and my nipples are too flat (says the lactation nurse). By the time they gave me a nipple shield, baby didn't want to work for it because he was use to bottle. So he becomes fussy and so do I. So I pump for him so he can at least get the nutrition of breast milk.