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MetalRiff101's picture

Hey all. Just joined up to see what other step parents are going through out there and look for a little bit of peace with the role myself. People certainly don't realize how hard being a step parent can be. I didn't give it any thought until it became my life. Just to sum up, I have two step kids. A girl (7) and a boy (4) and they can be the most bipolar kids I've ever interacted with. Their parents separated a little over 2 years ago and I've been consistantly a part of their life for about a year and a half. I've had nonstop issues with their biological father since I came into the picture (him and his own father assaulted me outside my work, tried breaking into my apartment, slashed my tires and keyed my car on several occasions). He doesn't pay child support, only wants the kids 2 nights a month, and he still has total control over them regarding their relationship with me. I used to have a zero tolerance for exes policy when it came to dating. If an ex was still in the picture, I walked the other way. Being a step parent has been my Everest in dealing with that old policy. I guess the thing that I dont understand the most is that I have done so much for these kids. I've taken them to school, paid for all their supplies, spent quality time with them every day, and more, but theres this wall of disrespect they have for me. They used to be great towards me but lately have been looking for every reason to have a fit or just flat out ignore me. I guess this is the occupational hazard of this, but it still tears at one's heart when your skids choose to idolize their deadbeat father who doesn't even want to see them, and you become their human punching bag regardless of how much you've done for them. Dont mean to vent, but this can be a heartbreaking role to play. Any advice or your own stories would be greatly appreciated.


morrginme's picture

How does you signifigant other handle their behavior towards you? Does she support you and back you up or does she maybe minimize it and make excuses? It's also a possibiltiy that the skids see you as a better dad than their bio dad and they feel a conflict of loyalty if they are nice to you.

MetalRiff101's picture

She admits that there's an issue with their behavior towards me and has talked to them numerous times. Things will change for a bit then go back to the way it was, if not worse. It's just very hot and cold with them. One second they're jumping with joy cause i got back from work. The next, they're hitting and shouting and generally causing mayhem towards me. I appreciate your input thank you very much.

Dogmom126's picture

What stuck out to me is when you said “he has total control over them” how is that the case if he is not the custodial parent and he does not pay child support? Not trying to jump to conclusions about your spouse, but it sounds like maybe she is the one allowing this to happen. Why don’t you move further away?

MetalRiff101's picture

Me, her, our daughter, and her two kids live together. So it's hard to spend more time away you know? And I agree with you. My lady can be very lax on their behavior and has let them get away with a lot. Shes gotten a lot better but still has her days where she doesnt want to deal with it.

tog redux's picture

Sounds like he resents the separation, resents you and his ex getting together 6 months later, and intends to make sure the kids don't care for you.

Bio dads can be every bit as crazy and alienating as the bio moms we talk about on here, and it sounds like you've found one.  The best approach would be to stop trying to do "dad" things, and just be Mom's boyfriend for now. Let her take over all the parenting, and you just be the fun uncle-type person. But it still may not help. And their mother needs to crack down on their disrespect for you, that's unacceptable and she can't let it go by without challenging it.

And why has she not filed for child support? It's really not his choice whether he pays or not.

MetalRiff101's picture

I appreciate the advice very much, thank you. I've been thinking about changing my role a little bit and that may be the answer here. I understand that 6 months isnt long to wait. Her ex husband had been seeing someone else long before that. I'm sure that just adds to the confusion in the kids lives and I sympathetic in that area. She planned on filing for child support and he told her not to. So she didn't. He said that he couldn't afford it so she let him off the hook 

tog redux's picture

Also, if he ever threatens you again, press charges! (Not clear if you did the first time).

MetalRiff101's picture

I totally agree with you. I didnt the first time because my better half didnt want him to lose access to his kids (they were doing week on week off at the time). Me and her already have an agreement that if he does anything like that again, I'm pressing charges with or without her consent. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

You and your girlfriend need to slow your mutual roll.  She and the kids' father separate, and then 6 months later you enter the picture.  I'm not sure how long after you started dating your girlfiend she introduced you to them, but I can just about guarantee it was too soon.  Their worlds were already mixed-up and confusing enough from the separation.  Having some new authority figure in their lives in the form of mommy's new boyfriend certainly wasn't going to help matters.  

The kids' dad is of course adding fuel to the fire.  You have two young children who I am sure were confused enough by the separation.  They may very well be resentful of you whether dad was stirring the pot or not.  I suggest you back away from the kids and let their parents deal with them.

And, for the record, these are not your skids and you are not their stepparent.  

MetalRiff101's picture

I appreciate your advice. What i didnt make clear in my post is we all live together. Me, her, our daughter, and her two kids. Their bio dad doesnt want to see them and he doesnt want to take care of them financially. I pay for all their school supplies, clothes, holidays, everything. I've gone through hell in this situation and I believe I have just as much right to be on here as a step parent as anyone else on here. Considering I'm the one taking care of them 28 days out of each month.

Harry's picture

No spending money on them, No new anything, toys, electronics, clothing. Do not take them anywhere, school, sports, vacation.  Do not go to ant of there activities, School events, outside groups.  Let Bio father take care of all of that.  

MetalRiff101's picture

Their bio dad doesnt go to anything or front any money for any of their necessities. We all live together and theyre always asking me to go to their functions. If I let him take care of all that, they wont have anything and their mom will be the only one at their activities.

MetalRiff101's picture

I did not. I had every intention to but with all the charges put together, he would've been put away for quite a long time. And my lady didnt want to take him away from his kids. I was semi sympathetic at the time but now I regret the decision whole heartedly. Me and her have an agreement that if he does anything again, I'll press charges. I'll admit I was an idiot for not doing so at the time.