I sometimes think my DH keeps so much inside because he's so freaking scared to have any type confrontation with his ex-wife or his daughter that it's causing him mental stress. Course then he keeps so much in and then blows up at me I become his emotional punching bag. 

I mean seriously you're just trying to suggest some alternative plans.  it's not like you're saying you hate them you never wanna see them and you expect your husband not to see them either.

I think its related, but not as directly. Its probably a whole host of things. Hes keeping things bottled up, and hit a wall.

Husband has a hard time dealing with emotions and its not confined to child and ex related. It anything thats "hard".

Im sorry you are going through this. I too am having a hard time thinking of holidays. And its only october.

Every year, instead of the holiday's being a joyful time, it is just stress. This year might be different now since SS will be 18 and has refused to speak to DH in about a year and a half. I am hoping he doesn't even get brought up. 

I'm sorry that your husband experienced that level of an anxiety attack, it breaks your heart to watch your spouse go through some thing like that. I think you are making the right call about the skids coming to you or meeting in "neutral territory". Hopefully after this year and your DH seeing that is is less stressful, it will be better from here out. 

Like your DH ....my DH is now experiencing anxiety, etc. Why...because he can no longer use things to escape.  I'm sorry this is hard for you and your DH. 

My own DH I think has yet to deal with the GWR up and leaving.  He finally admitted he should have gotten therapy way back when GWR started down the path that he is on and perhaps we would'nt be dealing with things now.  I hurt for DH everytime he thinks about how GWR just up and left DH in the dust.  

Kudos to you for recognizing that you don't have the capacity to deal with the holidays this year.   

as I forecast they would.  DW is working through her version of that epiphany as well.,

For me, as a mainly surface focused person, I do not go deep in why someone may be asking for something or in what they may think or feel about my answer.

Full disclosure, that does bite me occassionally.  I tend to be a "i will look into it and let  you know what we can do" person.  I do not bombard a request with quesitons or put much thought into it other than to do what I said I would do.

My DW, is a deep dive analysis type person.  As is my #2 at work.  

DW and I have figured out how to talk through it and have a balance that works for us.

My #2 and I are still figuring that out.

His philosophy is actually proving to drive fewer questions and misalignments.

This old dog is working on some new tricks.

I hope your DH can figure out a few new tricks as well, to help with his anxieties.

I would really advocate for even if the kids come to your area.. that the actual celebration stuff happens at a local restaurant etc.. no need for them to come and take over your home. 

In the end.. every one is an adult.. they have to know that there is not a great dynamic with you too.. and I would actually be for proactively initiating (through your DH).. an alternate date celebration with his kids.. for a nice meal.. and gift exchange etc.. let everyone have the actual day to deal with other obligations.

Hope your Husband makes out ok.. it's scary when you end up in the hospital.. and in the end.. his health and well being are the most important.  Maybe helping him make a decision by suggesting the "best" option and planning logistics behind the scenes on his behalf would be ok?

I am so sorry to read this Merry.  How incredibly stressful for you.  I hope that he regains his mental health or at least finds good coping skills to help him through this.  I hope that you find some respite as well.  It's a tough road. 

The holidays are the worst.  They come with expectations of happiness and festivity.  All I feel as they approach, is a dark cloud looming overhead.  I used to love the holidays.  I would shop at my favourite stores, for the people that I love, who love me back!  I looked forward to putting on my Sunday Best to go visiting! 

Now the holidays has been reduced to a strange and awkward dance of which family obligation must we fulfill first.  How do we handle this...or that...?  To Gift, or not to gift?  Money or nothing?  Do I go, or do we "separate" for the day.  So many decisions to make.   It's a small wonder that anxiety becomes the norm this time of year. 

I keep asking myself, "When will we be able to enjoy the holidays without, guilt, anger, anxiety, disappointment, uncertainty?"  I've been asking myself that for 3 decades, and I still don't have the answer.  Every year the same issues arise.  But one thing that I do know; I'm not alone.

We hear you, Merry.  Big Hugs.

Merry - as our DHs are so similar I can tell you my DH had a panic / anxiety attack several years ago that led to him getting physically ill and just so out of it and stammering. After I figured out he wasn't actually having a heart attack or was about to jump out a window I sat with him. Then I called his counsellor and they spoke the next day.

Very scary and glad you can help him.

Sorry for all of this.

You need to look after yourself too. 

Release any skid drama into the air. Right now your focus is you and DH. Dont even worry about the holidays. 

Hope DH's tests are ok. Stress has a way of affecting our health.