Please don't have a child because you or another thinks you should. If you don't feel an internal desire to have a child, wait. You may someday, but that day is not today. I think the child always knows when their mom is a reluctant parent.
For the child's sake, make sure they are truly wanted.
You are not a monster. Many women have led fulfilling lives without bearing children. You may be one.
to have children and certainly not to parent someone else's children unless they have assumed room temperature. My daughter and son in law made a decision to remain child free. They've been happily married for 15 years now.
"He wants me to be a mom" - shouldn't that be up to you? Who cares what he wants. Isn't he 50 now, why would he want more children? Or does he mean to HIS kids?
I would suggest you find a good therapist and figure out what's going on with your choice in men - if you had early abuse that can really skew your thinking when it comes to relationships.
Can you clear up what "what he wants me to be a mom" means?
Does that mean he wants you to play mommy to his kid? Or does it means he wants more children and want you to be the mom?
If he wants more kids and you know without a doubt you do not want any, then this is not the man for you. I don't believe a woman( or man) should give up their desire to have kids(or more kids) in order to hang onto a current love. A sacrifice that huge will result in resentment.
If he's trying to get you to play mommy to his daughter, stick to your guns.
No additional children for either of us. He knows I won’t ever have my own kids. But he’s been pushing me to be more of a mom to his own. I got upset after he asked me to babysit (see my previous silly posts) and he’s been avoiding it but asking what’s wrong ever since.
I probably joined these forums without proper therapy beforehand. My work covers it. I also probably started dating my bf without knowing what stepchildren entailed. I thought it would be picnics, fun movie nights and dress-up games, like what I would have wanted from my own stepmom.
I also didn’t realize how my own anxiety would have made it worse.
My bf is texting me about how I didn’t sleep last night, and how much he loves me. I still think I’m a monster.
You think you are a monster because you don't want to be a mother to somebody elses kids? They have a mother, they have a father, you are neither. He has no right to expect you to be a mom to them. He wants you to because it's convenient for HIM.
He's just trying to wear you down. He's doing quite a number on you and your psyche, isn't he? Oh, but he loves you.
And there's no, " You knew what you were getting into" because no, NO YOU DIDN'T.
You're dealing with a manipulator who doesn't respect you. In your prior blog, you wrote:
"I love him, but I don’t love his kid. I’ve been gracious and understanding of her issues, and I’m trying to be a positive role model for her (be independent and work hard), but as my friend says, I’m a shiny new toy that she doesn’t respect. Just like all her other toys. So what happens when the shine wears off?"
This 50 year old man is trying to get you to abandon your life and who you are & transform into a full-time nanny with benefits, who has no place to go, no peaceful ocean space of sanity & serenity, no other options than to raise his challenging daughter.
He's not worth it, sister. It's okay to let this one go. Your heart needs to listen to your gut on this one.
I don't think you are monster. It just sounds like you are with the wrong person at this time in your life. Honestly, it sounds like you BOTH know that the other person isn't the right fit at this time.
15 years ago, someone like you would have been perfect for him. Once you work on you and heal, a man like him WITHOUT kids, would be perfect for you.
There are times when our brains know what we should do. Then our hearts jumps in and screams HOLD MY BEER! LOL
He wants you to be someone you are not. Don't try and force yourself to adapt - it will make you miserable for the rest of your existence. This is not the right man for you and you are not the right woman for him. Why not cut him free so that you're both free to find the right person?
This is like saying. "I know you don't have rosebushes on your property because they re not your fav flower, have thorns and are a lot of work but I need you to come take care of mine for free--it's your duty!"
Comments
Choosing not to have children
Choosing not to have children if you dont want them isnt okay. Its GOOD.
ETA: actually I would use the word responsible
Dear Merrigan
Please don't have a child because you or another thinks you should. If you don't feel an internal desire to have a child, wait. You may someday, but that day is not today. I think the child always knows when their mom is a reluctant parent.
For the child's sake, make sure they are truly wanted.
You are not a monster. Many women have led fulfilling lives without bearing children. You may be one.
"He wants you to be a mom."
"He wants you to be a mom."
Why? So you will also mother his children?
Don't feel pressured
to have children and certainly not to parent someone else's children unless they have assumed room temperature. My daughter and son in law made a decision to remain child free. They've been happily married for 15 years now.
"He wants me to be a mom" -
"He wants me to be a mom" - shouldn't that be up to you? Who cares what he wants. Isn't he 50 now, why would he want more children? Or does he mean to HIS kids?
I would suggest you find a good therapist and figure out what's going on with your choice in men - if you had early abuse that can really skew your thinking when it comes to relationships.
You are not a monster, there
You are not a monster, there is nothing wrong with you.
Why are you letting him do this to you?
Can you clear up what "what
Can you clear up what "what he wants me to be a mom" means?
Does that mean he wants you to play mommy to his kid? Or does it means he wants more children and want you to be the mom?
If he wants more kids and you know without a doubt you do not want any, then this is not the man for you. I don't believe a woman( or man) should give up their desire to have kids(or more kids) in order to hang onto a current love. A sacrifice that huge will result in resentment.
If he's trying to get you to play mommy to his daughter, stick to your guns.
No additional children for
No additional children for either of us. He knows I won’t ever have my own kids. But he’s been pushing me to be more of a mom to his own. I got upset after he asked me to babysit (see my previous silly posts) and he’s been avoiding it but asking what’s wrong ever since.
I probably joined these
I probably joined these forums without proper therapy beforehand. My work covers it. I also probably started dating my bf without knowing what stepchildren entailed. I thought it would be picnics, fun movie nights and dress-up games, like what I would have wanted from my own stepmom.
I also didn’t realize how my own anxiety would have made it worse.
My bf is texting me about how I didn’t sleep last night, and how much he loves me. I still think I’m a monster.
You think you are a monster
You think you are a monster because you don't want to be a mother to somebody elses kids? They have a mother, they have a father, you are neither. He has no right to expect you to be a mom to them. He wants you to because it's convenient for HIM.
He's just trying to wear you down. He's doing quite a number on you and your psyche, isn't he? Oh, but he loves you.
He's the asshole, here.
You are NOT a monster
And there's no, " You knew what you were getting into" because no, NO YOU DIDN'T.
You're dealing with a manipulator who doesn't respect you. In your prior blog, you wrote:
"I love him, but I don’t love his kid. I’ve been gracious and understanding of her issues, and I’m trying to be a positive role model for her (be independent and work hard), but as my friend says, I’m a shiny new toy that she doesn’t respect. Just like all her other toys. So what happens when the shine wears off?"
This 50 year old man is trying to get you to abandon your life and who you are & transform into a full-time nanny with benefits, who has no place to go, no peaceful ocean space of sanity & serenity, no other options than to raise his challenging daughter.
He's not worth it, sister. It's okay to let this one go. Your heart needs to listen to your gut on this one.
(((HUGS)))
I don't think you are monster
I don't think you are monster. It just sounds like you are with the wrong person at this time in your life. Honestly, it sounds like you BOTH know that the other person isn't the right fit at this time.
15 years ago, someone like you would have been perfect for him. Once you work on you and heal, a man like him WITHOUT kids, would be perfect for you.
There are times when our brains know what we should do. Then our hearts jumps in and screams HOLD MY BEER! LOL
He wants you to be someone
He wants you to be someone you are not. Don't try and force yourself to adapt - it will make you miserable for the rest of your existence. This is not the right man for you and you are not the right woman for him. Why not cut him free so that you're both free to find the right person?
Exactly
This is like saying. "I know you don't have rosebushes on your property because they re not your fav flower, have thorns and are a lot of work but I need you to come take care of mine for free--it's your duty!"