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SO pushing for more time with me and skids

Merrigan's picture

As I've said in previous blogs, I stay at my SO's place about once a month when the SD's are there. SD16 drives me absolutely bonkers, so I made the choice to step back a bit.

In the last few weeks, however, SO has really been pushing for me to spend more time with him at his place when the teen girls are there.  My sisters think he just wants to spend more time with me. They think I should just ask him why he wants me there, but how can I say that I hate being around SD16, a weird teen who follows me everywhere, talks about her mom incessantly, tries to come into the bedroom when we're having sex, and nonstop talks about herself all the damn time?  Plus constant "what are we going to do", and fits when it's not what she wants. (And she always gets what she wants). I've told him before that she can be overwhelming, and they need time together without me. I can't say I dislike her, so that's why I don't want to come over.

Do you think he just wants to see me more often?  I admit I tend to see the negative, like maybe I take the pressure off of him when I'm there because SD16 pays so much attention to me, and thinks of it has treat time when I'm there. (More likely time go out to eat and do special activities). He recently told me he can't afford to retire (lol age difference) because of child support. So I get really paranoid and wonder if he's trying to warm me up to moving in again.

Am I overthinking this?


Winterglow's picture

I go with the first option in second place and the second option in first place. He finds her overwhelming too and wants yo use you as his buffer. Spending more time with you is an added bonus. And yes, he's probably hoping that if you get enough exposure to his daughter than you'll warm to her and decide to move back in. 

You've told her you find her overwhelming, how about telling him that if he parented her more (better?)/took his parenting role more seriously she might be less overwhelming? 

missginger's picture

NO you arent and please dont do what he wants! I did and now I am stuck. He wants you there because he probably doesnt enjoy all the alone time with his daughters. DH always wants me around when SD16 is here. Its not because he misses me (we are married and live togehter) but becuase he is bored when its just the two of them. I wish more and more these days that DH and I were stilldating and living in our own places! As his daughter gets older I am finding her more unbearable to be around 

JRI's picture

I agree, he wants you there to blunt the reality of his daughter: boring, needy.  Who wouldn't want a nice adult they really like to be there?  My DH still does this when SD59 is here helping him with yardwork.  He constantly tries to call me outside to admire things, wants me to eat lunch with them, sends her in to talk to me, etc.  He knows I am disengaged but keeps trying.  It's part buffer and part wanting me to engage more, why, I don't know.  She seems fine with me being disengaged.

Merrigan's picture

This is very similar. He used to send me to the mall with her for hours until I finally put a stop to it. (She was a nightmare - I felt bullied). He'd send me to console her when she'd run off at a restaurant tantrumming. When we'd go out all together, he'd tell me to split and go with SD16 and he'd go with SD13 (she's a pretty chill kid). The very first time I went there, I found myself entertaining his kids while he was off in his bedroom reading.

I don't do this stuff anymore. I let him know that I refuse to separate with SD16 when we're all together. He tried sending me to the car to console her this past visit and I said NOPE. I take hour long baths and go to bed early (this doesn't stop her from knocking on doors to find me).

Lol the anxiety for this weekend is totally building. 

SteppedOut's picture

Why does he do this? Try to have you console her... that is a parent job not a parent's gf job.

For the life of me, I do not understand why ypu continue this relationship. It seems very dead end... or ends with you "conforming". 

ndc's picture

I doubt you're overthinking it.  Your SO and his situation have given you reasons to put a lot of thought into what you do where they're concerned.  

I wouldn't spend more time with them. If he misses you that much, he can find ways to see you without them.  It's not like they're small children. I suspect he wants the buffer for now, and yes, for you to move back in. 

Evil3's picture

I wonder if your SO is wanting you to be an influence on his DD so that she'll turn out more like you than the uber-needy young woman that she is. SO doesn't want to risk telling her anything she doesn't like, so having you there for your SD to emulate is a lot less work for your SO?????

But I agree with the others who said to not move in until your SO parents his kid so that she's not so intolerable.

Merrigan's picture

That's very possible. She and I are polar opposites, personality wise. She's extremely materialistic and attention seeking. 

JRI's picture

That's part of my DH's thinking, too, that being around me is a good influence on SD59.  He should know by now that she is going to do what she wants to do, come hell or high water.  The only person who might be able to influence her is Kim Kardashian.

Gimlet's picture

You are not overthinking this at all.

You already know that he pushes you to be "her buddy", he doesn't parent her well, and he is absoutely looking for a buffer and a responsible adult to help deal with her.

You already know that you are the more responsible party and that he wants to attach himself to your financial security. 

Of course he's trying to weasel back in to living with you.  Before you know it, SD will want to be there more too and will want to live with you after she graduates. 

I really wish you'd reconsider this relationship, I truly believe that you are wasting your time with this guy because he's probably not going to change. 

And I think you CAN say that you don't enjoy being around a poorly parented teen.

Edit: I know I keep saying this.  If you want me to stop, just tell me or delete my comment.  I wouldn't say it if I didn't think you could do better.  You seem like a kind and smart young woman and you deserve more.  

Merrigan's picture

Her wanting to live with him full time as an adult is one of my biggest fears in this relationship. He would absolutely sacrifice my happiness for hers.  It would just be instinctive for him.

Ugh, that's sad to type out. He's very loving and calm with me, but she's his princess. (Yes, he's called her that). 

Aunt Agatha's picture

Seriously.  Any man who calls a female his princess after said person is over the age of about 5 has some deep seated issues.  Please don't  sacrifice yourself at this alter of disfunction!

ndc's picture

If you truly believe he would sacrifice your happiness for hers, then I think you're UNDERthinking things.  You should give a LOT more thought to moving on and finding a more equitable relationship with a better man.

Gimlet's picture

Love is not enough. 

He can be a good boyfriend situationally, but you want someone who is going to prioritize your needs when things get hard.  Being loving and calm when it's just the two of you doesn't compensate for disregarding the needs you've articulated over and over.   Also, that's not very loving, is it?

You aren't asking for the moon here, Merrigan.  You are asking that your needs be put ahead of his wants sometimes and you already know that he's not going to do that.

He's sacrificing your happiness because it's easier for him. If he was actually a good parent he would be more focused on making sure he was raising an independent, likeable child and not trying to use you as a buffer.

missginger's picture

Your line about her wanting to live with him full time is my biggest fear too. Thats probably why I freaked out about him giving a house key. Just the first step to make this more her home then OUR home (DH's and mine).

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I've learned being married to a cop that the majority of them are Alphas, and Alphas respect strength. So your bf may not like your boundaries at first, but he'll respect you more for having them.

Women speak an entirely different language from men, one that tends to be about being nice and pleasing rather than being direct. However it IS possible to speak truth in a factual, neutral way, and if you're feeling pressured, you need to let your bf know  you're not okay with that.


Merrigan's picture

So his big thing is de-escalating. He can talk you down from anything. He can't even remember the last time he had to pull his gun because of this ability/training. Unfortunately, he can really easily de-escalate me when I'm upset.  But with SD16, his head is in the sand. It's like he knows everything's a dumpster fire, but he doesn't think he can change it.

I DO need to use my power more. 

Harry's picture

She is mentally abusing you.  And your BF.  He doesn't want to be around her, he wants you to take the pressure off of him,  with his DD.  He not owning up to his bad parenting.  

Saying that,  you know SD is not going to launch into adulthood.  At 16 she should have friends, be doing thing with friends,  Not be home day trying to have her BF and you entertain her all day.  

You should tell your BF. That you are not SD friend, you don't enjoy hanging out, doing thinks with her.  That he should parent her.  Having her stop following you around. When the bedroom door is lock, she should not disturb you.ect

Unlesd he starts doing something, nothing is going to change 

advice.only2's picture

No you aren't overthinking, he wan't you there so that he has somebody on his level to entertain him and to take the pressure off of himself having the entertain his dependent 16 year old.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Why can't you tell him that you don't like SD and that's why you don't want to spend more time with her? It's the truth, and he needs to hear that his daughter is not pleasant to be around.

"SO, I don't like hanging out with you when the girls are over because you push the girls onto me, and I don't like that or their behaviors when that happens. If you would consistently be the one to deal with SD's tantrums, and not give in to her every time she gets upset, and deliver consequences when she whines, I'd be more inclined to say yes. But, I am not interested in being a buffer between you and your children, and I certainly don't want to be in a home where I'm not certain that your daughter won't walk in on me naked or us while we're having sex. Until you fix these issues with your kids, I'm not changing our arrangement."

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Direct, factual, to the point, and includes expectations.

Merrigan's picture

Just realized a little grammar error I made. By "warming me up to move in with him again" I meant that he's again bringing up the topic of living with him. I haven't lived with him before. Just FYI.

Also, he calmed (de-escalated) me down again tonight. The girls are so excited to see me (he put them on the phone), and he's offering to pay an unexpected bill for me.  (This is super unusual. I appreciate it, as our finances are separate and I make sure we pay for frivolous things equally).

I think you're all correct, and he's so happy that I've agreed to come over, and he's buttering me up. 


shellpell's picture

You should talk to a counselor about why you are letting this man and his kids manipulate and control you, even though you think you are standing up for yourself.

lieutenant_dad's picture

This isn't de-escalating. This is gaslighting and love bombing. THIS. IS. TOXICITY. This borders ABUSE.

Stop thinking of it as de-escalation. The point of de-escalation is to calm a situation down so there are no more victims. It's meant to stop harm, either against oneself or others. It's powerful stuff when used correctly because it's supposed to stop DEATH and HARM.

You know what happens when de-escalation doesn't work? You have to take out the person who is harming others. That's not a euphemism, either. The next step is a gun. It's maiming or killing the person who didn't de-eacalate.

In what way is your decision to not visit him causing physical harm? I see absolutely none. What I DO see is a man using his training to manipulate you and make you believe it's for your mutual greater good. He has managed to get you to believe that what he is doing is just de-escalation and not straight manipulation, which is honestly all de-escalation is. It's manipulating someone long enough that they're no longer a threat so they can be secured/detained.

So REALLY think this whole process through. If he de-eacalates the situation and you, he's doing it because he knows that makes people comply. It's NOT long-term change. It's short-term for an immediate outcome.

What you NEED to worry about is what happens if you keep giving in, and if it stops working. What other tactics has he learned when "talking it down" doesn't work? He may not hit you or threaten you, but what will he do to you emotionally?

What he does IS NOT HEALTHY. It may avoid conflict, but conflict in relationships isn't the bad thing; how you handle it, however, is. This isn't good communication, it's just straight manipulation. If you're okay with that, then you're okay with it. But I'm telling you that you shouldn't be. You two have to be able to discuss problems and respect each other's opinion without resorting to him having to LITERALLY PAY YOU for your company.

Livingoutloud's picture

He isn't a de-escalator. He is a manipulator. He now offers to pay your bill and puts his kids on the phone. Those are manipulation tactics.

Many men don't want to be alone with kids and need women there to be buffers. That's what he is doing. Nothing to do with seeing you more. It's one time a month. So he could survive without seeing you.

He wants you there for the same reason many single men with kids immidiately look for a woman: to take care of kids and household and play a buffer. Take your power back and stop being a doormat 

Livingoutloud's picture

I also suggest to make an experiment. Stay in your house at all times. Don't go to his at all. See if he starts to come visit and take you on dates or relationship will slowly die? He sounds like one of those guys with whom relationship works only if a woman makes an effort and goes to his house. If he has to make an effort and go see you, relationship will not survive