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PAS and Grandparents?

Merrigan's picture

BM hates my SO's parents. SD16 uses word for word phrases from BM to complain about them before each visit:  "You should have warned me they were coming."  "I have to wash off their smell after."  "Nana, your dinners aren't as good as mommy's."

SD12, who I don't talk about as much because she really is a gem of a human being, just hides away in her room to cry, or curls up alone on a chair when she's made to come downstairs.

BM's parents (still together) have pulled knives on each other!  SO's parents have been married 50 years, travelled the world, and are genuinely kind people.

So far there's no PAS against me, because I'm not around enough, but BM tells the girls their dad is stupid all the time.  These poor girls have both sets of grandparents alive - why deprive them of that?  My poppa passed away last year, and I wish I could have seen him one last time to sneak a chocolate and razz (affectionately) my mom together. He really was a cantankerous old bugger but the biggest sweetheart.

It breaks my heart. 

 

Comments

Felicity0224's picture

I think this is probably very common in a high conflict situation.

My ILs are amazing grandparents. DD is deeply attached to them both and they've been a tremendous help to me over the years. But even before H and BM split, she actively tried to prevent them from having a relationship. When she and H lived several states away, my ILs would pay to fly them all out for a visit and BM would get up every single day and take my SDs out of the house until bedtime (mind you that the youngest was an infant and the oldest a toddler during this period so it took real effort to keep them out all day). When my ILs would go visit them, BM would arrange for her parents to come at the same time so that my ILs were left with no one on one time with my SDs.

Over the years she's repeatedly compared her overly indulgent parents with my ILs and convinced my SDs that they don't care about them because my ILs expect children to behave with basic manners and decency while her parents act amused by brattiness tantrums. My poor ILs care so much and have suffered so much pain and indignity trying to maintain a relationship despite BM's interference. But it's totally worked. My SDs don't even acknowledge my ILs existence unless they are complaining about something that my ILs have done for DD, and are actually downright rude to them on a regular basis. It is both sad and infuriating that BM has robbed them of the chance to have a good relationship with all of their grandparents. What's most crazy about it is that BM's parents are not very successful people and have won't contribute anything to my SDs future. While my ILs have had college accounts for all three grandkids since they were born and have always been open about their intention to assist with their educations as much as they possibly can. I wouldn't fault them one bit if they liquidated my SDs accounts and did something for themselves after the way they've been treated, but they're way too fair and generous to do that and BM knows it.

thinkthrice's picture

Just, awful.  I hope your parents see the light and decide not to participate in the one-way relationship that is PASed out skids. 

Sadly some of these skids do not have the required critical thinking skills to see past the brainwashing,  probably due to low expectations in all aspects of life imposed by the PASing BM, so they are rotten to the core to the end of their days. 

This despite the cognitive dissonance they must experience.

1dad4kids's picture

My brothers ex did this to my niece. My brother died when my niece was 6 and he and his wife had just finalized their divorce. 

By the time my niece was 16 she was telling my Mom that she wasn't her Grandma and started calling her by her first name. 

My brother wasn't my mom's biological son, but he gave her adoption papers for xmas when he turned 18. Of course, his BM neglected to relay that to my niece when she PAS'd my Mom. 

My niece still speaks to me and my siblings, including my older sister who was my brother's step sister, as though everything is normal. Her Mom has always been a head case, she remarried and gave my niece her new husbands last name but then he turned out to be gay so my niece changed it back to our family name when they divorced. 

 

Winterglow's picture

My brother's ex convinced two of their three children that the divorce was between them and our family. She also told them that they didn't HAVE to see their grand parents. She then denied stopping the kids from seeing them.

It got so bad that, one day my mother ran into them in the street and her granddaughter, aged 14 at the time, ran away from her. She was heartbroken. 

 

thinkthrice's picture

was on a scorched earth policy the day she started breeding.  All of a sudden, Chef's side of the family was beneath her and HER kids (TM), aided of course by Gir's PASing BM herself, Battleaxe Gallactica.

Chef comes from elderly parents with "blended" children who got along relatively well,  so this complete alienation was foreign to him; he went along with it for ten years of marriage hoping to please the Girhippo and her side kick, BA.

Thank goodness they passed on relatively early and were spared the full throttled onslaught that some of you ladies have spoken about.  

justmakingthebest's picture

I would straight up beat my kids for being disrespectful to grandparents like that. There is no excuse for treating grand's like that! 

My SS has been alienated from my MIL- he ignores her when she calls or texts but at least when he does see her in person he is respectful and gives her a hug. I feel so bad for MIL because she is such a kind soul and doesn't deserve to be ignored when all she has ever done is support his a$$. 

shamds's picture

Results in the fathers family too. They are in the firing line. Call it guilty by association. Anybody associated or related to him is as bad as him even when they're lies.

also with pas, its always bullshit reasons.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

...unless there's a way to triangulate family members against each other. BM can score lots of bonus points through relational aggression.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I'll never understand the PAS.  Period.  Psycho would do the same s***.  Here I am trying to tell the girls they need to be respectful and she's over there going "She's not even a mom" while I"m raising them... They saw through it up until Ex and I divorced.  Then Ex's mom told them that we only split because I "didn't try hard enough for the family and abandoned them" (relayed to me by fsd11 during one of the VERY few times I saw them).  Since then fsd7 anytime I've seen her has been overjoyed, but when I dropped them with Ex's mom called me by my first name.  However fsd11 (who was literally my shadow, got into all the same things as me,  swam with me, ran with me, wanted to lift weights with me, danced around the house with me, drew with me, you get the picture) now acts standoffish and doesn't talk when I'm around. (hence why I don't ask to see them anymore.  I see why fmil is doing, and I don't want the kids to be caught in the middle or dealing with her negative bulls*** any time they see me.  Not fair to them)

To me, any positive relationship and role model you can give you kid, you set your own feelings aside and let them have that relationship.  I'll never understand these BMs who poison their kids against having positive relationships.  It's like taking away tools and support from your child and making their life harder simply becuase you're petty and selfish.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Some BMs are all about dominance, power, and making sure their kids a.k.a. possessions are loyal only to them. They want to win every single skirmish in every battle of the war they started, see nothing wrong in weaponizing their children, and know exactly how to inflict the most pain because they have intimate knowledge of all the players.

We haven't seen OSD's kids in almost a decade, and they live only a few miles away. The day I spoke up about something crappy OSD did to her dad was the last day we saw them. We went from almost daily contact to zero, because OSD knew exactly how to hurt us the most. 

We don't own children; they come through us, but are their own separate beings. There's a special place in Hell for people who misuse their kids in such a manner and deprive them of the love and support of extended family.