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OT - my sister is being abused

Merrigan's picture

My sister and her husband are currently separated after 17 years together.  They have two teenage kids and one adult skid.  They live in another country from our family, but close to her in-laws. Since the separation, he has escalated by breaking into her house and attempting to steal from her. She originally told us (our sisters) that she was just trying to block him from stealing her phone and computer. Today we found out that he "put hands" on her and she's covered in bruises.

I and my SO work in LE, and her husband works in LE a country away. There's nothing we can do here to help her escape (covid), and if I or my coworkers contact his employer it will make him escalate. My dad has already reached out to him and it riled him up.

Venting here because I don't know what to do. My SO has advised to ask her to gently reach out to her in-laws, who haven't spoken to her since the separation. The same thing happened to me with my ex and my in-laws (an immediate lockdown on communication) but they may not know how he's been behaving. My SO and I, and my sister, all know that if we report what happened to his employer, he may spiral.

Just upset because I'm so far away and can't bring her and her kids across the border to live with me, and if I use my LE connections to report him, it could cause him to retaliate against her.  I can't talk to my parents and stepparents about this because they'll be infuriated, so I have to do it anonymously.  This is hard. 

Also wanted to say that we've all given her domestic abuse hotlines, and even called local women's shelters for her. She's spoken to them, and she's kicked him out and is closing on a new house. He entered into their  current house illegally and that's when the assault happened. 


tog redux's picture

She may need to go to an actual domestic violence shelter herself to get away from him.

Thumper's picture

What does your sister in law want to do. Did she contact police?

Does her state automatically cart the perp off to jail IF the police are called on the scene? EVEN if she does not want to press charges, the state steps in and does it anyway.

Bottom line if you sister inlaw wont press charges---you have to step back. She will re-establish the relationship even IF it is harmful to her. That is the nature of this ugly beast--

(((HUGS)))) to you ---I am so sorry, you must feel sick about this.




tog redux's picture

People in abusive situations do say it's helpful to know that you are there and that you aren't upset with her for not making the decisions you would - she's likely afraid (rightly) that if she calls the police, he will escalate.

Just keep the door open and your concern for her showing.

Thumper's picture

I would run his name thru police data base and court records. I guarantee this is not his first time. THEN I would present her with the evidence.