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Five year plan

Merrigan's picture

Had dinner and drinks with a good friend tonight. She’s a mutual friend with my BF. She knows all about his teen daughter and what’s been going on, and she’s got grown children of her own, so her advice is golden. 

She suggests I make a five year plan with my bf. Within five years, I want us to buy a one bedroom condo together, with a pull out couch for his daughter when she visits, who will be an adult at that time. We live separately until he agrees to this. It will be within 10 miles of where we both work. It’s in the neighbourhood I live in and love. 

He bought his ex wife a house in the divorce.  And a gorgeous house while they were married.  And she never worked. I want an inexpensive small condo that we both pay for.  I have a great, secure job and pension, and I want to take care of him as he ages (he’s 50, and I’m 37). I don’t want to live with his teenage daughter who is selfish and entitled. I want peace and a home with no screaming. 

He’s told our mutual friend that he’s so happy that I just love playing with his daughter. His developmentally delayed 15 yo daughter. He wants me to watch her next week while he plays golf even though we’ve just had the discussion about how I’ll never be comfortable doing that.  He takes off on errands whenever he can when I’m with his daughter because she drives him nuts and he needs a break. 

This is fine four days a month.  But not now that he wants me to dump all my furniture and move in with him, an hour away from where I work. I can get a bus to work now, or a taxi. I don’t need the expense of a car.  By moving in with him, I sacrifice everything and gain nothing, while he gains added income and his lovely girlfriend who just loves taking his kid to the mall and never complains. 

I love him, but I don’t love his kid. I’ve been gracious and understanding of her issues, and I’m trying to be a positive role model for her (be independent and work hard), but as my friend says, I’m a shiny new toy that she doesn’t respect.  Just like all her other toys. So what happens when the shine wears off?

Comments

hereiam's picture

Well, your BF doesn't respect you, either. He knows exactly what he's doing and knows that it's not what you really want but he doesn't care, it all bodes well for him.

I know that you love him and I know that you want this to work but do you really want his adult daughter living on your pullout couch? Yes, I said "living", not just visiting, because he is not going to force her to launch. Even if she appears to do so or lives with BM long enough for you to think she's out, he is not going to tell her, "No," when she wants to boomerangs back.

He’s told our mutual friend that he’s so happy that I just love playing with his daughter. His developmentally delayed 15 yo daughter. He wants me to watch her next week while he plays golf even though we’ve just had the discussion about how I’ll never be comfortable doing that.

See how he totally disregards reality? He's delusional and hopes he can bring you into his delusion.

 

ndc's picture

Developmentally delayed skids who are selfish and entitled don't usually launch with their peers.  I wouldn't count on a 5 year plan that depends on his daughter launching, even if he agrees to it.

Merrigan's picture

Omfg he wants me to babysit her next weekend.  He’s got an appointment so he asked me to.  We just had our conversation about how I won’t babysit because I’m not able to deal with her issues.  He says, please, I need you to. WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK. I said NO over the phone and you’re still asking me. Now we have to talk about it tomorrow.  Does he even love me?

shellpell's picture

No. He obviously has no respect or regard for you, either. You've said no, repeatedly, but he still is trying to force you to play mommy? You should have a one-day plan - plan to dump his loser ass and find someone more suitable.

StepUltimate's picture

Five-star answer from ShellPell.

Seriously, this guy is like sooooOOOoo many we read about on StepTalk. 

Ugh!

ndc's picture

It is rude and disrespectful to continue to ask you to babysit once you've already told him no.  Make your own plans ASAP for that time so that you're not around when he's still begging on the day of his appointment.  Obviously he's not getting the message and you have different ideas about how things should/are going to be.

Daisymazy2's picture

Tell him that you have plans with a friend to try goat yoga or something.  She NEEEEDDDDS you to go with her because she is scared to do it by herself.  The class is already paid and you don't want her to be out of the money. 

 He can find someone to watch his kid if you are not there.  You do not have to answer the phone,  go to his house or even be home if he is coming over to your house.  You have your own life.  Find something to do.  He is trying to guilt you into babysitting for him.  

 

futurobrillante99's picture

Darling, there isn't a man or penis on the planet that is THAT GOOD that you have to fear losing it.

Yes, you love him. I understand that. I did a lot of stupid things for love, myself.

But this isn't love. He doesn't love or respect you.

Take your lovely young self and tell him to eff off. You're not a babysitter. You do not exist to help him go golfing, pay 1/2 his bills, etc.

What you want matters.

I promise you that there are marvelous and talented penises wandering around in the world, attached to wonderful men who want to treat you like the queen you are.

I know because it happened to me and I thought the last guy (who used me and abused me) was the love of my life. I was a fool.

ndc's picture

Oh, Futuro, the visual of those marvelous and talented penises wandering around has me in stitches. Thanks for the laugh.

still learning's picture

Don't buy a condo with your bf, buy one for you that he can visit you at when he doesn't have skid.  If skid has develpmental delays she will NOT launch easily as an adult. Our society is not supportive of people with develpmental disabilities and depending on the area it may be impossible for her to make it on her own. My oldest son has dd's and he lives with me in his 20's. He pays bills, house/pet sits and watches his younger siblings so it works out, but he would have a tough time making it in the city we live in even in a roommate situation.  

Your 5 year plan should be yours and not hinge on your bf or his child.  

StepUltimate's picture

Just no - sorry you're finding out how your STBXBF is, 'cuz he's seeing "Free babysitter!" with benefits at the moment, and wants to lock you into unpaid childcare servitude.

Give yourself permission to lose this creep. 

Cooooookies's picture

The only plan you should have is find a man that loves and RESPECTS you!  He loves what you bring to the table but he doesn't love you.  He loves your money and he definitely loves the idea of you moving in so he has a built-in babysitter.  No means no but he doesn't want to hear that because then he'd have to either miss out on his plans or actually put some effort into taking care of his responsibilities.

If she's developmentally delayed and dear dad has his head up his arse, you can guarantee she will be going absolutely nowhere in the next 5 years or more.  Many, many more.  OP you need to stick to your guns.  You are young, hardworking, lovely, strong minded and full of life.  Do not give all this up to become one man's childminder who doesn't even respect your feelings or wishes.

Girl, RUN.

still learning's picture

find a man that loves and RESPECTS you!  

Ladies, please remember that your worth does not hinge on finding the "love" of a man. Better to love and respect yourself and love will naturally find you.  

shamds's picture

My husband plays golf too and one weekend where I had multiple online exams and assignments he disappeared a whole day (6am and got home 9pm), he claimed he didn’t know I had those assessments which I called bullshit on. 

He slept in the bedroom downstairs alone because I needed to study that evening and him in the room means none of our 2 toddlers would sleep. After then he learnt that he had to support me getting my degree and care for the kids. He doesn’t get a free pass on the weekend because he’s the sole income earner who needs me time and I should suck it up and hire a babysitter..

every week if he wanted to play golf etc he would ask me several days in advance and if it was busy assignment week, it was “ tough I have assessments that weekend”, he was home caring for our toddlers.

stand your ground gun, he will be a man baby, he will guilt you and gaslight you, stand your ground and don’t cave in.

she is not your responsibility ever!! Remember that!! When he guilts you tell him “she is her bio parents responsibility and no one elses

tog redux's picture

Wait - two posts ago, you were glad he told the kid you weren't her babysitter and now he wants you to ... babysit her?

What's so great about this guy that you are trying to cram this square peg into a round hole?

bananaseedo's picture

Where is the mom, is she involved/alive?  Who does he normally use a sitter prior to you?  Lose the guy, pronto!