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Clingy SD16

Merrigan's picture

Incoming rant before the holidays begin. 

SD16 was up my butt the last time I was over at BF's place. She just follows me everywhere, insists on sitting next to me all the time, and hugs me constantly. She's even started saying "I guess this makes you uncomfortable" when she goes in for a hug but she does it anyway.  I've disengaged with things like private alone time with her where she does my makeup or hair because she was ruining my expensive products and making weird comments about my skin. And now she's asking why I don't let her do it anymore!  Saying she thinks she's making me feel awkward!  She KNOWS she makes me uncomfortable with all of this but she does it anyway! 
 

I told my BF that I wanted some quiet alone time - she piped up and said "I'm gonna stay and hang out with Merrigan!" Which turned into "sorry I interrupted your quiet time - what do you want to do now?"  I was heating up some leftovers and offered her some, which turned into her wanting me to make lunch for her. (I made her do it).

I don't get why a 16 year old girl wants to be all snuggly and huggy and best friends with a fucking 40 year old. Wants to "plan" my wedding (I'm not even engaged) and lost it when I said I'd just elope. She and I both have big birthdays coming up and she's gonna be a disaster.  I'm planning a Zoom call with all my family on Xmas day, and she'll be weird about it because she's not interested in meeting my family.  

And yes, my BF thinks it's just adorable that she follows me everywhere. I've told him so many times that I'm uncomfortable but it all goes out the window once she's there. She'll say something shitty in front of him and he'll completely deny it.  I told him that this teenage girl behaviour is hard for an outsider to put up with, and he acted so surprised that I felt that way.  Like, screw that.  No one in the extended family likes her, she has no friends, and she's bossy and demanding.  But she says "oh Merrigan is family to me!" And he eats it up. 

End rant. 

Comments

Merrigan's picture

Just to clarify, we're not getting married and we live separately. I see the skids about once a month, but it'll be a bit more this month due to the holidays. 

caninelover's picture

Oh Boy.  Don't move in for sure.  You should first talk to your BF and explain you don't want to parent his teenager and your requests for alone time and space need to be respected.  Or you won't come over if his daughter is there and he's unwilling to respect your boundaries.  It's obnoxious that he thinks it's cute when you are clearly saying you don't like or want this behavior.

And he should be the one to tell his kid to back away.

Merrigan's picture

Not moving in. Not a chance. It's funny how a lot of SO's on this site seem to push for moving in together.

We wouldn't be creating a new, shared experience if I moved in with him. It would be me slotting into space with his life and his kids. I won't compromise my freedom and independence just to avoid rent. I pay out the nose for my independence, but it's worth it.

SD16 told me when I first met her that she was glad I had no kids, so I could spoil her instead. Yeah NOPE. 

caninelover's picture

Yeah they all (especially the Disney Dad's) want an SO to move in to take care of the kids so they don't have to.  You have the right idea.  Maintain your independence and don't consider a 'shared' life until SD is old enough to get the boot (and SO has grown a backbone to do so)!

JRI's picture

That would drive me crazy.  I have a thing about my personal space.  My troublesome SD59 is a real, live hairdresser and I used to go to her.  I stopped about 10 years ago but sometimes, as I'm doing my hair, she will come in and offer to do it.  I always make an excuse, just don't want her that near me.  I think sometimes DH encourages her, wants me to re-engage.  Not happening.

Merrigan's picture

I've let SD16 do my makeup and hair a few times, since she's expressed an interest in that area. She gouged out my eyeshadow palettes and crushed my lipsticks "by accident". (She's quite clumsy though). All while telling me I have facial hair and keratosis pilaris. She has the latter, but I don't!

BF has made my weight a competition with her too, unknowingly. She's obsessed with being skinny, to the point of an eating disorder, yet he would ask me to tell her my weight so she would feel better about herself. And both SD's want to wear my clothes and shoes. I'm an adult and a different body shape, and I'm too old  to share that stuff with them.  He thinks he's creating bonding experiences, but he's just isolating us further. 

caninelover's picture

Exactly.  He treats her like a toy for SD to play with.  So annoying and disrespectful of OP's needs.

SteppedOut's picture

You do realize it was a d!ck move for your bf to leave his kid with you when you said you wanted quiet time, right? 

Maybe next time you should try the less polite way. "Take your weird ass kid with you so I have some space to breathe."

Merrigan's picture

Yep it was a dick move. I can't bring myself to be unkind to her because she's a child (for now). I keep trying to establish boundaries with him and it's like he agrees, and then he forgets.

He'd be upset if I called her weird, but she IS weird!

tog redux's picture

This isn't teenage girl stuff. Teenage girl stuff is to be staring at your phone or hiding out in your room (staring at your phone).  You need to set better boundaries with her. And dump your SO, in my opinion, but I know you aren't ready to do that. 
 

ETA: Emotionally, this girl sounds around 11.  

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I agree 16 year olds don't typically want to hang out with Thier parents. Why does she not have any friends she wants to talk to or hang out with? At 16 most kids are focused on working, getting Thier license and independence from Thier parents.

Gimlet's picture

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Cover1W's picture

I disagree that she wants to hang out with you.

Rather, she knows exactly what bothers you, or tries to find out what bothers you, and then goes for that EXACT thing. It's aggressive and destructive and don't let the nice "oh but I was trying to bond with you..." fool you. She knows daddy won't pick up on the "sweet talk" that isn't so sweet - nor will the 'accidents' be called desctructive if she goes, "ooooops, sorry!"

I would start be firmly and constantly telling her to knock it off and disengage wth her STAT. Don't discuss this with your DH. Just do it.