The time has come to call it quits.
I am a very patient person in general. I have waited for this man to shape up. We have been together quite some time now. He has one son 9yo from his previous marriage. We are not married yet although we have it planned for this year.
The straw that broke camels back was the difference in opinion about having children. I want 2 kids of my own. There is no negotiation with me when it comes to that. I feel that I want to start on having a family.
He wants only one more additional kid, and that is it. He feels that he already has one, so he wants one more, then he has 2, and that is quite enough for him.
His son is obese, lazy, and disrespectful. He has no manners, and he is selfish and self centered. My bf sometimes cannot even stand his child because of the behaviour he presents. But hey, blood is thicker then water.
I can deal with his kid, yes he annoys me, but i could survive. Only if I got my wishes fulfiled.
Maybe I am selfish. But I definately know that he is being even more selfish with puting restrains on how big of a family i want. I only want 2 of mine. I am not asking for 5.
Now, i know for a fact that he wanted one more kid with his ex wife some time ago. In my eyes, she was worthy of having 2 children with him, and i am not? He wanted family with her, and not with me?
I told him frankly its not my fault that you had a kid with a retard.
We havent spoken since yesterday, and we havent slept in the same room. He didnt even say good morning to me.
He basically gave me the ultimatum. Either I want what he wants, or the relationship is over.
I am not backing up on this one.
I think this is it. I know for a fact that if i agreed to his terms and conditions, i would not be happy. I still value my life. And I know that love doesnt last forever, and more often then not, love is not enough. Although I do love him with all my heart, i feel that i got the short end of the stick.
What would you do in my situation?
- meneran's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I would do the same as you.
I would do the same as you. Early in my relationship with SO it finally hit him I wanted to to have children. Even though I said it in the dating phase, he didn't clue in until we moved in together and I mentioned it again.
Well, we broke up for a month. He said his two were enough for him and that he already raised his children (they were 10 and 12 at the time, how stupid was that to say?) and that he wants a life and didn't want to do it all over again. In addition, he has this strange loyalty thing with the kids. They were his kids and they were going to be the only two and that is it. So, we ended it and he moved out. After a month he changed his mind. I'm not saying your SO will change his, but sometimes they just need to get used to the idea.
Definitely don't give up what you want. I would never have given up my option to have a child because my SO didn't. Its time to find someone who matches you in your life goals.
The thing is, we talked about
The thing is, we talked about kids before, and he knew what I wanted. We have been talking about it long time ago as well. Now, all of a sudden, he only wants one. He cannot physically and emotionaly handle more (mind you, he is only 33). Because his son is so difficult. Because his son would not have his own room in our place. Because of this.. and that.. its always some excuse.
The more I think about it, the more angry I get. I am even starting to hate his kid because in my opinion he is the reason I cannot get what I want in life. Because he exists, because his mother is a retard. Because he is not a normal kid. And I know that hating him is wrong. I know that its not his fault, i know its fault of his parents, but i cant help myself.
I feel like puking. I feel so angry and hurt. I feel sick every time he shows how proud he is of his son. I feel sick every time he calls the extra room we have his sons room.
I moved countries to be with him. Because we talked and agreed on the same things. I changed my life because of him. I did everything for us. And now this.
I am not backing up even if that really means the end of us. I know that for a fact.
Then don't back down and
Then don't back down and start preparing yourself for leaving. I'm so sorry. It hurts. I get ill when SO says certain things about or to his kids (for other reasons) so I understand.
Good luck to you.
I would walk as well but it
I would walk as well but it must hurt like hell. You are not as important as he is, in his eyes and straight from his mouth.
I would leave him and wish him good luck with finding a doormat as a replacement.
My other half knows and tells me every day that I am the most important person in his life, even before his own children. And thats how it should be.
I agree with your point here
I agree with your point here StepAside. He cannot mentally have his kid with him for longer then 2 days every other weekend, because of his behaviour.
I should have known better. But it wasnt like this from the beginning.
At the beginning he had his son with us every week. He seemed more commited. He taught him things, played with him, woke up during the night because kid is afraid of everything.
Now, the weekend looks like this when the kid is around: Getting groceries on saturday, then sleeping couple of hours while im sitting there reading and his kid is on computer (i must be in the same room as the kid because kid is afraid of being alone anywhere, imagine how painful that is). It seems to me that my BF is not grown up man. He cannot accept any responsibilities and he is showing more and more narcissistic behaviour.
The trouble still is that I do love him with all my heart.
But I am not willing to change this ONE wish I have, so he could be happy. If he doesnt want more kids, he should go and find one who either has her own kids and doesnt want more (but the problem is, he doesnt want a woman who has someone elses kids), or find a woman with no kids, and who doesnt want kids either (now that woman will not want his kid either to be honest).
Either way you turn, he is still at loss.
That's one thing NN brings up
That's one thing NN brings up all the time when I try to talk about things that are bothering me...
"I just wished I could be MYSELF!"
Umm, be yourself all you want as long as yourself is not deliberately and negatively affecting ME! Why is HE supposed to be allowed to be himself but I am not supposed to be MYself??
We are not married yet, we
We are not married yet, we are engaged.
He knew my wish, it was his wish as well. He did agree to it, before.
He also was talking about marrying me straight away when we moved in together, then to change his mind and tell me to wait at least a year. I survived that one.
This time i will put with no compromises on my side. I feel like I did enough. Thats the whole issue. Him changing his mind. His mental unstability when it comes with making decisions then sticking with them.
It hurts. I do love him. But i love myself more.
He did you a favor on the
He did you a favor on the "wait a year" thing.
Even though I did not
Even though I did not understand that at the time, and I did cry and feel unwanted, I see more and more that it was a huge favour from his side. Getting divorced after a year wouldnt be optimal
We have the date set, but
We have the date set, but with this whats happening at the moment, it probably will never happen. You are right about cow and free milk thing. I pay half of the bills in the house. I am not living off of him. And now i get slammed with such bullshit ultimatum. Well not this time.
His ex doesnt have any school, is selling fucking shoes. She never paid any bills, or brought food to the table, yet he wanted 2 kids with her.
I have university degree, I have a job that she could only dream about, I bring good salary home, and I pay half the bills. Yet all that is not enough.
He said.. having children with someone does not measure love. Meaning you can love someone with all your heart and not want to have kids with that person. I call BULLSHIT on that. Especially when you already have a child with a retard. And you wanted more with that retard.
StepAside, I tottaly agree
StepAside, I tottaly agree with you. Everything you wrote here is 100% legitimate.
But why do I have to be punished for his wrong timed ejaculation? Why is it MY fault? Why do I get to be slammed with policies and ultimatums?
I have showed him times and times over that I am ready, and that I can handle.
You are absolutely right with
You are absolutely right with every single word you wrote. Before he got me, he was prepared to pull the stars from the sky for me. Now, everything has an ultimatum, everything is how he wants it. And I am tired of it. I really am so tired of it.
I am not ready for this. I did not sign up to be a obeyant dog. I want a life too.
The trouble is, he is NOT in a position to be puting such ultimatums. He is the one with the mistake, not me. I doubt there are many women around who would put up with his baggage. Especially the ones who have no kids of their own.
He is capable to make you think everything is possible. Then reality hits you. You wake up and you realise, you havent really gotten anything. It was all smoke in the air. Not one single thing has been fullfilled.
Then when you call him up on it, he changes the rules of the game. And you lose.
He will most probably trick someone else the way he did with me. But sad thing for him is, even that other person will see through him eventually. Nobody likes to be chained with boundaries. Especially not the ones of this kind.
Im at work currently, and I am feeling like breaking down.
My guess as his son has grown
My guess as his son has grown more into a loser he has decided that he doesnt want too many of those around.
Im sure of that one. He
Im sure of that one. He cannot handle another dependant child like his son is.
There is a question here that
There is a question here that is bothering me, so I'm going to ask. So you say you want two children with him and are ready to leave him because he has only agreed to have one child. It seems like there are so many what ifs here...
what if you have a hard time conceiving even one child? What if you have one child and decide yourself that you don't want another? What if you have one child and can't have a second child?
I guess my point is when it comes to the "planning" of having children, things don't always go as "planned" and I would hate to have you leave him and then regret it down the road when your family planning didn't go as planned.
With that being said I can also see your resentment with the way that he has come about his decision to "only have one" It's absolutely NOT fair to you to compromise because he already has a son, because his son is a PITA, blah blah blah.
You have very legitimate
You have very legitimate questions and I will answer you on those.
I know that there are alot of what-ifs. I know having children sometimes doesnt happen on a push of a button. BUT I also know that saying NO straight ahead doesnt even give me the chance to try.
Thats the whole point. Not being considerate. I know that even if those what ifs happened, at least I would be content with the thought of that he actually wanted them as much as I did, and that we agreed on our future together no matter what it brings us. But at least we agreed on it.
This way, I would not even find out how would those what ifs get to be in the end.
The way you've described him
The way you've described him he seems like he wouldn't be a really great dad to your children once you have them anyway.Why not get out while you still can and find a man without all the preconceived notions about what having kids is like?Of course I might be biased because I kicked DAH to the curb and feel great about it(mostly) so of course I'm on the path of there's always something better for us out there and life is too short to be unhappy or settle for less than what you deserve.
"I told him frankly its not
"I told him frankly its not my fault that you had a kid with a retard." .....love it.....
Hun, for him to say okay lets get married asap, to oh lets wait a year after you moved in.........that is a BIG RED FLAG with police tape running everywhere......
it seems that he is more in control of the relationship than a fair say between the both of you.....and for him to become lax with his son after being so commited to now I'm taking a nap you watch him....that is another BIG RED FLAG.
To me is seems like he's a flip-flop. He's all for it, then he's like okay whatever this is what I want to do so deal with it. It seems more like he put on a show for you babe. And now the act is over.....his colors are showing. He said he wanted more kids, but now wants to limit you to one....since when are kids a ration?...... and he is not as interactive or responsible of his son now as opposed to before.....he may be the same way when you two have a kid......all happy and proud daddy until the real work is required.....Imagine this, he says, "I know babe you worked all day, and you cleaned the house, and you did the laundry....which I so appreciate baby.....but, um ....after you change the baby's diaper, bathed him, fed him, loved him, read a book to him.....can you rub MY feet.....?"
A serious slap to teh face after all that you sacrificed for him, and you will be even more resentful......
The flip side is, he may come around, and change his mind......however, I wouldnt put all my eggs in one basket for this one because he may say yes again lets have 2 kids....until you have the 1st....then he changes his mind again......at that point its either give into his wishes or be a single mom. So what then? You still don't get what you want.
Think about it long and hard
I thought about it long and
I thought about it long and hard. I have been thinking about it for a year now. This is not light decision to make on my side. My red flags have been raised from the beginning. Everything you say is so true, and I know all of that, yet I was willing to make a life with him.
Now he is pulling back on our essential wishes and plans, he is changing the game and he wants to bully me into going for it. By bullying i mean not speaking to me at all, not even looking at me since I told him that I have a problem with one child policy.
I dont live in a fucking China.
I haven't read the responses
I haven't read the responses here, so forgive me if I've repeated someone.
"I can deal with his kid, yes he annoys me, but i could survive. Only if I got my wishes fulfiled."
I read this and interpret it as: I'll put up with your child IF you give me two more.
I haven't been married a long, long time, but I think in order for your marriage to be successful, the foundation has to be mutual respect, love and the willingness to work through what comes.
Its good that you've set out your deal breakers. I think the fact that he wants children with you is huge. There's a huge difference between: "I don't want anymore children" to "I will have a child with you" is huge.
What tweaked me here is your bargaining with, I'll put up with your kid, ONLY if I get what I want. Life is full of suprises and we can plan it out, only to have every plan derailed. You have to be in love with this man so much that if the fates dictated that you had NO children, you would still want to be with him.
Some soul searching is in order for you.
No need for soul searching
No need for soul searching any more, I think I have done that already.
I am not prepared to stay with him if it means that I will have no children of my own. Its not worth stress in my life.
Yes I know what I want, and no amount of self convincing will change that decision. I know who I am and what am I able to put up with.
You are also right with your interpretation, but I am in position to present my wishes. He is also in position to decline them. But that means that we are no longer destined to be together.
I did not make his child. I did not give a birth to him. I was not there when he agreed on making it in order to save his failing relationship.
I want my future the way I always wanted it. And I know I would be deeply unhappy if he took it away from me. Its another issue entirely if I could not have the kids for biological reasons. Do you see my point of view?
Absolutely. I see your
Absolutely. I see your point. Having kids of my own was a deal breaker for me too. We tried, failed. The process ended the marriage. Then we got back together. We're together now, but....yeah, its difficult. Knowing that I can't have kids of my own. He won't adopt. So, in my head, I decided to leave it to fate...(which makes no sense really).
I'm on the other side of your dilemma. I wanted kids. Don't have kids and am working everyday on being "okay" with it.
Our relationship was pretty shitty before we got married, and marriage certainly didn't solve anything.
Find someone without kids and marry him, and have kids with him. That's the fairytale.
Well, you could always go off
Well, you could always go off BC and not tell him...isn't that what a lot of the crazy BMs have done?? }:)
I applaud you for realizing when a choice is not working out for you and making the changes necessary to be happy in your life. If I had the strength you have, I would have been gone from my relationship at LEAST 5 years ago...
I know it hurts but there will come a day when you say, "Thank Goodness!!"