TTC while also a NEW StepParent - HELP!
Hello!
I have never been more happy in my life to have found this forum. I have been lurking for a few days and have just felt this major weight lift off of my shoulders reading everyone's feelings and different experiences as a step parent.
I have been with my boyfriend for two years- we have been best friends since childhood. We were both married previously and separated when we moved on with each other. He has a daughter with his BM and I have no children. I have always WANTED children very badly - and it is the main reason my marriage did not work out previously. I married someone who dangled the prospect of children in front of my face for years. When I realized it would never happen I left.
I did not expect to settle down with my best friend but I am very glad I did. We should have just done this in first the place instead of marrying our previous spouses but if it hadn't happened he would never have had his beautiful daughter. She's a great kid - the BM is actually a very good mother - and my boyfriend and his BM work VERY well parenting together. This does not bother me whatsoever. Now...just because they know how to keep their personal feelings separate from their child (so far at least - not too sure on her end) does not mean that BM does not do everything she can to put him down the minute their daughter is not listening (aka when he drops her off after visiting for a weekend).
When DH and I got together I told him this would never work unless someday down the line we had children of our own as well. Since I've been wanting to be a mother for over 10 years now and have constantly hit road blocks (mainly with my partners). So now the happy time is finally arriving...we are about to TTC after years together...things are settled with his daughter for the most part (more back history - for the longest time BM tried to keep me out of the picture and DH and I were stupid enough to let her succeed with this for almost a year! My SD is now 6 years and I'm pretty sure BM is saying some bad things about me in her own home because recently she has been extra sassy with me - which she never has been before - but that's another topic I will need help on later, I'm sure! I also think that is why BM tried to keep SD away from me for so long - to let her get older so she would be less attached. We eventually had to get a lawyer because I was leaving MY OWN HOME EOW so SD could stay in her bedroom at her dad's without me there. Yeah that was BS - it did not go well. Over now though.) ...moving on...
I know a lot of women on here have children with their husbands who have previously had children. I need help. What am I getting myself into? I already have a lot of stress with how broke his CS makes him every month. We will have enough to have a child but it does frustrate me that there is a very big difference in how his BM lives (lap of luxury) and how my DH lives (not anywhere close) because of the CS she gets from him. I was upset to learn that my state could care less about the father. If the BM has another child from another man she can get MORE MONEY from my DH! No joke. I looked up these laws in my state. But if my DH and I have another child the court will not even consider lowering the CS payment - even though the BM has an AMAZING job and seriously vacations several times a year, lives in a luxury apartment, drives a brand new car. Now - don't get me wrong - I want his daughter 100% cared for. She is a great kid and deserves it. But I think there is something severely screwed up when the father is not allowed to move on in the law but the mother is and can make the first husband pay dearly for it.
But...this is not my real concern. It was for a long time but now I have just accepted it. If any of you ladies can provide me insight on what you did or how you handled any of this...any experiences...any expectations I should have concerning CS...I would be forever grateful.
Here is my real concern. How this new child will fit into our current life. My DH gets SD every other weekend. I have stated on several occasions he is being ripped off as he shares joint custody with BM. Every time he has tried to get her more BM has denied him. I know through the courts we could get this fixed but DH has a lot of reservations because his work schedule is sporadic. I also felt that if we had SD more she would feel less against her father later in life and would be able to get used to me more.
I do have to say...after reading many of these posts from you ladies...I have changed my mind. This does seem the best situation for our family - DH having SD EOW. Just for now. I know when SD is older she can choose to come over more and when her new baby brother or sister comes along she will probably be over more anyway. I would like to think BM would be reasonable as she seems to put her daughter's needs first that SD would be over more to see her new sibling. But I know that this could also be the nail in the coffin and that any niceties BM has been putting on the table these days could be taken away the instant DH and I conceive. Another bit of history...obviously DH has moved on with me...and BM is still very single. So I know this doesn't help matters and I really wish she would find someone cause I know she wants my DH back. Even though he has many years moved on already and would never go back.
For the ladies on here who started out as a step mom with NO children and then had children with their DH who already has children...what are your experiences? What do I need to watch out for? The in-laws don't like me very much. BM has done EVERYTHING she can to dig her nails into them and I haven't spent any time with any of his extended family (they all live out of state) but BM flies out of state FREQUENTLY with THEIR daughter on her OWN to HIS grandparents house. You would THINK this is a nice gesture on BM's part. But all of us on here know the truth. It's so she digs her nails into them so that if him and I start a family his extended family is going to be VERY CONFUSED.
These are my worries. How will my 6-year-old SD react to the new baby? I imagine she will be happy. But should I expect jealously? SD might have to share her room with the new baby too. I'm scared this will upset her and she will take it out on her sibling or me. I'm scared that BM will try to be really dirty once this happens. I know she never wanted my DH to be happy. I'm scared of how my in-laws will react and will they accept our child like they do his daughter? How will CS play into all of this? I already have assumed this just is how it is.
Any help or support would be great. I just want to talk to women who have been through this. I want to know what I'm in for. I'm in it forever of course...but I want to avoid any surprises. If s*** is about to hit the fan cause of this...every which way...I want to be prepared for it. This is the only thing that SUCKS about being with someone who already has children. There always seems to be someone who wants to take your happiness away. I want this to be OUR experience and I don't want his BM or family involved unless they are going to be 100% supportive. I know that's a long shot with BM and I get that and that's fine. I feel like the only person I should care about his SD. But again...thoughts? Thanks again for reading all this!
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Thank you guys SO much for
Thank you guys SO much for your sound advice. These are the hard truths that I really needed to hear. Yes, we had both been separated from our previous marriages for quite some time before we moved on with each other - but I think no matter what the situation would have been - his ex wouldn't have been happy - because he left. So even if he was still single all these years later she still wouldn't be happy.
I do know that I let this BM in my head way too much. She hasn't been crazy to me yet - not directly anyway. To my DH yes...I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I also put way too much emphasis on my SD. DH and I both are super worried about her well being - how she will react to me down the line - her and I are still toeing the line with each other I can tell - and you guys are right...this could very easily go super bad with his family and SD.
So yes, I'm going to let those thoughts go. I know she won't be able to raise the CS because she makes far more money than him and I put together. If she did try...it would be funny because I'm not quite sure she would be able to get very far. But those would definitely be 'fighting' times if that happened.
I don't have a lot of patience and I love my DH with every fiber of my being but I won't be a doormat like someone told me not to be earlier.
It's been an interesting experience so far. I never expected this for myself. My first marriage was perfect - so it seemed. We bought a house, a family car, had dogs, it was so cliche' and it's how I imagined living my life as a little girl. The only thing that was missing was children. When that didn't happen...well...I am learning the older you get the harder it is to find someone without children or ex-wives, lol. But because my DH has been my best friend for over 15 years I know all of this is worth it. I know our family will be strong. I also know I will be dealing with a lot of unnecessary baggage along the way.
I really appreciate your replies. I needed to hear these things. I'm going to separate myself completely from his ex and SD. My life now is about him and I - and our future child.
I made a commitment to myself that I would support my DH in every way I possibly could - which included being there for his daughter. I know that will be a hard path to walk...but I think as long as I have this forum to vent on...I should be good, lol.
No no no. I guess I have to
No no no. I guess I have to be more clear since this seems to be a concern on here. My DH and I are both divorced from previous marriages. When him and I got together it had already been a year of both of us being apart from our exes. His divorce took an entire year and yes we did start dating right about the time his was finalized. Mine took a bit longer. So he had been living away from his ex - separated - for an entire year already when we started dating. Being legally separated with divorce proceedings in place should not keep someone from moving on with their life and being happy. If we want to dig into deeper history here... Just to prove my validity ... His daughter was born from a one night stand and because of his religious background and feeling it was the right thing to do he married the BM. Despite not being in love with her or even liking her. What is more interesting is he was an idiot 20 year old at the time and the BM was 28. I will never understand why an almost 30 year old would be sleeping with a 20 year old but I have my suspicions. But yes, DH and I have been best friends since high school. He was my first boyfriend and we stayed best friends ever since. We didn't expect for us to ever get back together as we were just children back then. But he was divorcing and so was I. A year is a long time. Especially if he had already spent six years In a loveless marriage for the sake of his daughter.
So there. A lot more history. More than I expected to give but hopefully that alleviates some posters fears on here that I moved in during an inappropriate time. There was definitely nothing inappropriate about it. And I can promise you that even if we had gotten together as strangers she still wouldn't be happy. She didn't want the divorce - he did.
From what I can tell... No one wants to see their Ex move on. Except me. I'm damn glad my ex
Moved on - it makes my life easier and I'm super happy
For them.
Taushalove - thank you for your stellar advice. I'm beginning to see all of that now. I need to stop focusing on his parents, his ex, and his past life. It is what it is. My family adores my DH. No questions asked. I suppose it's hard to not receive the same courtesy from his family. But I also need to put blame on DH too. I shouldn't be putting in the effort to get us all together. He should want that for his family so I will leave that to him.
Tausha - we do live in the
Tausha - we do live in the same city. They have joint but somehow... And honestly I see this because of my DH's work schedule... That that is why my DH only has his daughter every other weekend. He does have a
Very demanding work schedule and is on call 24 hours a day sometimes. His BM didn't want
To give up every weekend with her daughter either. So BM has her daughter almost 95% of the time. And it is sad be jade
My DH is devastated not getting to see her more. I have even offered to move closer to BM even though I want nothing to do with her just so he could have his daughter stay the night during school weeks. I used a chunk of my own money just to get us into the apartment we are in now that has a second bedroom just for her that is only used
One night every two weeks. It's so sad. I know my DH wants her more and he is currently going back to school to get out of his demanding job situation at the moment but that is at least another four years away. He is also scared that his daughter will resent him for not being there as much even though he tries his very best around his work schedule. I give up what little time we have together just so he can be there for his daughters school events (obviously it would be a disaster if I went to any of these) and even that's not enough of course. Him and I are definitely on the same page though his fears are more
Legit. He wants to be the best dad he can be given the circumstances and that's really hard for A man to do when the BM has all the power. So yes... He wants to have her more than EOW for sure... But he can't make it work
At the moment. And like most DH's... He's terrified of rocking the boat.
Yeah - it's definitely that
Yeah - it's definitely that type of situation. :(. She hasn't done anything threatening lately but I can't lie the idea of having to see her is an extremely uncomfortable for me. He has asked me to drive with him to drop her off and even that idea bothers me. I know that will take some time to get over for sure. Honestly, similar to your situation, my DH would be in an awful position still if it wasn't for me. He only stopped getting walked on as much when I forced him to get a lawyer. I want the same as he does - peace and for everyone to get along - but I know that won't happen. I did discuss going to counseling together to be proactive for any issues that arise with my SD and to get advice on how to bring a new baby into the fold. I'm trying to take all the advice I can on here - so we also discussed game plans and always being on the same page. He's going to watch her interact with me from now on and see if its just me overreacting or if this is daughters real attitude. We will see.
And yes... Their fear is very disturbing. He's lucky I've been his best friend - I don't know too many women on my end who would put up with all this. He's worth it though.