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Need advice!!!!

Melkay1616's picture

I am married to the love of my life who I love more than anything!!! I was going through a ruff time 5 months ago. I decided to leave and start to move on with my life and let him do the same. After 2 months he entered into a relationship w a women and got her pregnant 2 weeks after they were together. We do not have any children of our own and we tried for 5 years and had a miscarriage. It is hard because all the first of having a child, he will have with another women. He is very good about including me in everything he can, but bottom line, it's not OUR child......I want to make it work with him and we are willing to do whatever it takes. He wants to get full custody after the baby is born. I think it would be best if the biomom will allow it. She has already voiced concerns about how hard it will be for her because she has two there young children whose father is not in the picture... However, she knew when they got together he was still in love with me. I am just afraid of her being unfair to him because He and I are together. She does not know we are back together yet. Any advice on how I can handle this crazy situation and keep my sanity and emotions under control during all this?? Please help!!!

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Melkay1616's picture

I can honestly say I'm not ready. I do have high hope and do love him very much. I believe I will love his child because it is a part of him. However, we have a long road ahead of us and lots of councelling. He and I are not living together right now to have time on our own. The main reason I am concidering all this is because he has always be honest and the women has known from the beginning how he feels about me and still does to this day. The whole time we were apart we talked and I left him. He did not want it, but felt he had to move on. It was the only option I gave him. On the flip side, you are right. She will be a part of my life and I hope she can be civil. But she could be a complete biotch and despice me and make our life hell!!!!.... I have alot to think about.

zenjetset's picture

I'm with the other posters above, you have many, many questions to ask of yourself and of him prior to taking on this committment. After all it's not the childs fault and from your comments I don't believe you will love him just because he is part of dh, afterall under normal circumstances it's difficult to love the stepchildren because BM do not go away ever and make it viturally impossible to lead a normal family life.

I think you should move on and don't waste your time, after all he did sleep with someone else only shortly after you had left him. Me...I don't consider that love. Love will wait for a longer period of time, especially true love.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

I agree wih everyone else. He slept with someone else so soon after you. If you were talking every day and was in love with you wouldn't he have held off to make sure the relationship was over first?idk all sounds weird. Besides all the factors against him that I won't go into, you will be a stepmom to his child. A child he conceived with a stranger. Every day you would have a reminder that he cheated on you. (were you still married or divorced when it happened?) That alone will make being a stepparent 10x harder at least! One thing anyone here will tell you is that it is not just being with him and his child- you would also be including the other woman in your life forever. Are you willing to do that?

Melkay1616's picture

Thank you for your comments. All very true. Makes me think alot harder about what I could be getting myself into. ?!!!

Melkay1616's picture

We were still married. We got divorced a month ago and I found out about the baby 2 days before the divorce. I wasn't completely ready to finalize but felt there was no other choice. Then we decided to try and work things out. I'm not sure about dealing w her the rest of my life. Especially cause I know she is going to hate me w a passion. It's just fumes me so much that the two of them would be stupid enough to get prego when he was not over me and she knew this. She already has two kids and he knew he could because he has a sperm count test. The anger from all that just eats at me. Your right tho, the thought of him getting another women pregnant will always bother me. I can't act all innocent tho. I had been with a guy also. We did talk just about everyday, but not really about getting back together, just life stuff we have been best friends forever, so I guess we didn't want to give that up?! Idk I'm obviously a very confussed women, hints the need advice...

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Not to mention....why di you seperate/divorce in the first place? If he was the love of your life and all.... If you divorced then obviously there was a reason behind that. If it didn't work out then, how could it now??? Make a clean break. You are divorced. No going back.

skylarksms's picture

EXACTLY - this incident wasn't what made you break up in the first place so what has changed? (For the better, I mean, we all know what has changed for the WORST!)

You seem to be willing to throw this woman under the bus but it takes two to "tango" as the saying goes.

Do not vilify the BM before she has even done anything wrong. And don't let your husband/ex-husband off so easy. How would HE be if it were YOU who had a fling and got pregnant while you two were apart?

Would HE be so willing to try to work things out?? He's scared as hell right now, of COURSE he is going to cling to you - the only stability he's had in x years...