BM sending mixed signals and im losing it!
My SS is 5 years old and is having some behavior issues. His mom and I are on ok terms as far as texting about dropping off or picking up. Just recently BM came to me and told me he is having behavior problems in her house. Me and my H have been having problems with him lying, hitting, not being good for a baby sitter, and saying no after we ask him to do something. We both have told BM about this and she acts as if we lie about it untill recently. She wants to meet with me and talk about what to do about the behaviors. BUT I almost feel like im walking into a trap and she is just going to bitch about stuff and the conversation isnt going to be just about SS. She also wants to meet when SS is in school and isn't around. Also one minute she is nace to me and the next she is really nasty and wont say anything when i drop SS off. I just dont know how to take her or this "talk". HELP!
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Honestly I'd tell her no. BM
Honestly I'd tell her no. BM is sort of like this with the little one. She denies any issues at her home but the few times SO will answer her phone calls he can her hear say things that tell a different story. If she does “admit” there is a problem “it's not that big of a deal” or it's all our fault.
Went off on a rant and had to delete.
Anyways this does seem like and issue that BOTH houses need to deal with. It's not just her home and it's not just yours BUT the thing is DAD and MOM need to work this out. Sure you can be there and all of you can talk. That's not a problem but you seem to feel that she doesn't really want to meet with you just to fix this issue so don't let it happen.
In all honestly if she was cooperative you could get this worked out through text, email, or whatever. It doesn't HAVE to be face to face. Yes face to face is quicker and easier for some people but if you see conflict warnings than avoid.
I wouldn't say that not wanting the kid there is a conflict warning though. This is an adult matter that needs to be worked out. Once it is addressing the kid together is fine but I wouldn't go sit at her house and have tea while the kid plays in the living room.
The Bm is just very confusing
The Bm is just very confusing and its like she likes to play head games. My SO and her dont get along due to her not listening to him and everything has to be her way. BUT she will text him or call him sometimes and text or call me sometimes. One day I go to drop him off shes all friendly and talkative and the next she doesnt say a word and is a snob. Its just getting very stressful! I still am really not sure as to why she wants to meet face to face. why is email or text not enough?
We have an issue with BM just
We have an issue with BM just dropping out randomly on a conversazione anytime she doesn't want to answer. It could just be she thinks it's stupid that we're asking or she doesn't know herself. Sometimes I get worked up trying to decode what's going on. I've talked to SO. His response is “see what I was dealing with.” She was the same way the WHOLE time they were together. Sometimes we think BM is a mastermind and sometimes they are just temperamental b*tches little more than toddlers.
You DON'T HAVE to deal with her at the same time I understand sometimes it's easier. Trust me it is here. What I would say is go to the expert. Ask SO what he thinks. Tell him the problems you're having and if it comes to the point it's too much then let him take over. SO knows that I'm ok with things right now but the SECOND BM becomes abusive towards me that's it. I think she somehow realizes it because any time she starts her crazy she doesn't use our group text. It's only to him.
Again face to face is easier IF coparent is working well. It's just less room for misunderstanding BUT it can only happen if people don't take things personally and become defensive. You've already pointed out that she refuses to see how she can be at fault for any of this and barely want's to admit it's going on. Do you really think face to face she could be honest and realistic?
I honestly think she isnt
I honestly think she isnt being honest with us and we already know that she doesnt tell us stuff cause she is wrong for doing it. for example my SS is in kintigarden and he told us that he told his mother he didnt want to go to school so she just let him stay home. When i asked her why he didnt go that day she didnt answer and just defered the conversation. And the two house holds for him are completely different. Me and my SO are very structured people, I work at a hospital and he builds houses. she on the other hand is a waitress and lives in government housing (nothing wrong with it im just saying). We beleave in rules and she belives in doing what ever you feel like doing. She doesnt believe in disoplin only positive renforcment.
Just last week my SS fell on the play ground at school and got a bloody nose so the school tried to call her multiple times and they couldnt get ahold of her. So they called my SO to let him know what happened. Well she had a problem with that cause she feels we shouldnt be getting phone calls like that. Why cant she just be happy that someone talked to the school cause she never did.
BM should be meeting the dad, not you
any issues or problems are between her and hubby, even if you are the one mainly homing disciplining and caring for the stepkids she shouldn’t be meeting you alone, especially since bio and stepmums are never on “we’re besties” terms
I thought it was a little
I thought it was a little weird that she never asked my SO to meet with her. He was kind mad about that too, and we thought maybe its because she doesnt want to face what he has to say.
The crazy unstable high conflict narcissistic bm are so
Unpredictable.
my husbands ex disappeared with their 2 daughters 6 yrs ago (kidnapped them) on the premise she had to protect them from some imaginary harm influence hubby was.
Hubby hasn’t seen her since divorce 9.5 yrs ago, his son always came to the doot to pick up daughters. Suddenly she has an epiphany 4 months ago that they’ve moved on and keeps emphasising on the daughters to remind dad she instigated the recontact and is a changed person despite her mind games and having a sis in law of hubby acting as a spy for her (lately she’s been singing me praises but has never met me), its just a hysterical moment to laugh about.
You’ll drive yourself mad getting involve, just say this is between you and hubby and you should be able to settle this like civilised adults. You are there to support hubby and if he needs advice from you how to handle the issues but you are never 1 point of contact ever
This is between her and your
This is between her and your husband, not you and her. Even if you are helping out with the parenting, he needs to be the one to have any discussions like this with her.
He’s more then will to talk
He’s more then will to talk to her and if there is a problem while he’s at her house he wants her to tell him but she doesn’t. She doesn’t like telling us anything that happens at her house but thinks she entitled to know what goes on at our house.
She's the one who wants to
She's the one who wants to meet and discuss the boy's behaviour. All you have to do is tell her to talk to your DH and not you. Not your problem.
I usually have no problem
I usually have no problem talking to her but lately she has been throwing mixed signals. I did offer her a time to talk and she said no and I ended up finding out that she was out at a bar that same night I had time to talk. I have been a step mom for almost five years. I have tried asking my family and friends on what to do and I just felt it was time to try and reach out to another step parent. I thank all of you for the wonderful advice and taking the time to read what I have had to say.