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My 14yr old stepdaughter has such a bad attitude & is so disrespectful to all of us other than her mother

meanpocahontas's picture

Well to start off just so you have some insight as to what challenges we started off with. My boyfriend/fiance whom I have lived with for the past 3 years now has 2 step kids, 14yr girl and a 17yr old boy, an ex wife which he divorced 4 yrs ago and was married nearly 15yrs to. The ex had been an alcoholic and a prescription pill popper for the last 8 years of their marriage, progressing every day till their last day together. The last episode was right before Thanksgiving and Xmas. She was highly intoxicated and on some pills. He had sat her on the toilet so she wouldnt piss her pants (she would always be that drunk), anyways she fell of the toilt with her pants down as the kids came home to only witness that. She started convulsing and foaming from her mouth and nose and eventually flat lined, literally no pulse. All of this in front of the kids. Now this wasnt the 1st time this had happened, but it was the 1st time this severe that their now 14yr old daughter had witenessed it. But please note this was the last time it ever happened in the house and in front of their kids. Needless to say he revived her till the paramedics should up to shoot her up with an adrenaline shot. In their last 8 yrs of marriage, she started off just modderately drinking vodka and gambled some. Then it progressed to the same amount of drinking but she started depleting their savings to support her other addiction of gambling. $1k, $2k here and then $3k, $7k and $10k there, adn then asking her mother to cover up her problm by loaning her the money to replace the savings, but that eventually ended and she was caught. Shortly after that she got caught cheating on him in their home while she had their 4yr old daughter locked in her room while she conducted her affair with this other man and all the while she was becoming a heavy drinker. It got to the point for the last 3-4 yrs before her getting kicked out of the house, their son was hot on her trail finding al of her stash spots. She would lie about like most alcoholics do. She eventually would try to cover it up by acting like she was only taking a bath but in actuality she was drinking. She got a little more clever in that she would empty a shampoo bottle out and fill it with her 'poison', which was vodka. Needless to say their son had endured alot throughout her years there. All the while dad always tried to cover it up with the daughter. *****Now with a little bit more insight, I can now explain a little more here about our current situation. Their mom still screws up, maybe not to that degree but close, she has married & divorced again, lies constantly, tells them BS just to distract them, promises them the world and then nothing happens and now she is 4.5-5 mo. pregnant from her new boyfriend of the past 6mo. ** Well for the past 9-12 months the now 14yr old has become increasingly more rude and disrespectful, partly which I know is her hormones but the other is something to do with her mother. She will go over to her moms, which she says it sucks, but because mom has no rules and EVERYTHING flies there, she wants to go. (mom lives with her mom, u know grandma) But mom is golden! The 14yr old in recent said she was mad at her mom for getting pregnant and she wants to kill the baby(ies)(theres twins). I understand there is animosity most likely amongst many other feelings that she probably has. I hate it when she goes over there and comes home with the biggest attitude and is sooooo rude to me and her father. They live with us and I do everything that a mother and parent should be doing for their kids. Before I moved in there were no chores and a lack of respect, just alot of spoiling and alot of 'turning a blind eye' to many things. I am a firm believer of discipline. I will love you, guide you, teach you many things but I will not tolerate rude or disrespectful behavior toward any of the adults that care for you here. She does not ask for things or favors, she tells you. She constantly is trying to correct us or tell us she's right and we are wrong, well specifically me. I use to do alot more for her but it got to a point where it was abused and there was absolutely no apprecation or acknowledgement. I still enforce chores, which I still get argument from. I tried to teach her how to cook and how to clean properly and not half ass. I tried to teach her some manners and table manners at that. I help her with her homework, I sign school docs, I take her to school, I have taken her shopping, etc... etc... etc... She will override me in every situation that I tell her 'no' and go directly to dad and manipulate him into getting her way. He is a total push over in the sense that all he does for the most part is ignore and does not try to correct it or nip it in the butt, when he does get mad or to his limit, he just yells and threatens in which it is just a threat with no consequences the next time as he promised. Me on the other hand if I tell you the next time, I mean it. Ex.; the attitude was in full force and stayed constant I told her she had a choice that the next time she lipped off to any of us adults, her door was to come off and there would be no computer for a week. Well it happened and he ended up taken the cell phone away as well and we limited her tv viewing and there was no fun time with friends. That ended up being a 4 week ordeal as the attitude persisted and privileges were taken away. I guess she finally learned. *** To me dad has no consistency with discipline. He caves, forgets or just does not want to deal with it. I on the other hand the exact opposite. It is becoming more of a problem every day that passes. I feel like what he allows affects me and her. She knows that dad will catch it or deal with it as promised the next time. She has even said she knows it. She takes everything and everyone for granted. She constantly mumbles, back talks, is rude, unappreciative with everything and then expects the world to come hither to her every becknoned BS. She takes advantage of everything. Now the 17yr has always showed more respect in the sense of keeping in touch with dad when he is not a home. But her, once she is out those doors, you cannot get a hold her nor will you hear from her. Only on her terms will you. I tell not to do something and explain to her why but she will just end up doing it any way. For example she was doing some school project on the couch. Mind u she had permanent markers. I told her to do that at the kitchen table and make sure she had some newspaper or something underneath it. Well low and behold she did not listen and there were 2 big fat 1-2" marks on the couch. In front of dad none the less. I got irritated with it and he of course acted like nothing and with that being said, she acted like nothing and told me why should I care if it is not my couch. I do care regardless of whose it it and well my dear she has marked up my couch in the other room with pens and has spilled soda on the microsuede! I coul go on and on and on, I just need some help, advice, recourse, some words from the wise. It just keeps getting worse every day. And mind you she for the most part hibernates in her room or on the computer which I have a good mind to limit the usage on. HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Selkie's picture

Take a deeeeeep breath. Then find a good family counsellor. Your FH is allowing his sympathy for what this girl has gone through interfere with his parenting. He needs to step up and realize that what she needs are boundaries and structure in her life. It's a scary feeling for a kid to not trust a parent to be in charge. A family counsellor will help him to understand and overcome this.

That being said, it sounds like she could use some intensive therapy. Witnessing what she has is a HUGE trauma that will continue to impact her feelings and behaviour until it is addressed compassionately.

Beyond that, take heart. She won't be 14 forever. I'm convinced that 14 year-old girls should be locked in a box for five years until their hormones calm down.

meanpocahontas's picture

Thank you for your sound-experienced advice!. I was beginning to think no one else had a similar situation. As I was not going to hear it from any person other than someone with same scenario. Believe me I have backed out of interacting with her nearly 99%. I do still take her to school still but i do tell her if she is not ready by 6:30 I will eave with or without her and of course I then catch the crappy as attitude, 'well fine I'll just walk'. My intentions have only been for the good of her and her brother. He had his moments and times but he is really so much easier and so much more loving. I do not take her shopping anymore, I do not buy her any more personal products. I have recently stopped doing her laundry and told her that she needs to take it to her mothers for them to do it together and have a moment of bonding. Because all she did was bitch and moan and groan, why I couldn't do a load that consisted of 1 shirt, 1 pant and 1 pair of undies. My thing is that I do not want her ending up like her mother. Sorry to say, but she already shows similarities and tendencies like her. I know that they are a product of their environment (Prior to me). I am not trying to change the world or them, just trying to teach them some responsibilities and guide them. ***** But I will stand firm and sit back and take myself completely out of the equation where they are concerned. I will only be my better halfs eyes and ears when he's not home and to listen. Basically it wil only be him doing any kind of parenting if can call it that. I know he tries or has good intentions but he becomes overwhelmed with all of it. I eleviated alot of that when I moved in, but back to square one it will be!

I hope there is realization or some revelation for him SOON! Because I know that it will only get worse within the next few years to come.

And just so you know, you do not hold the worst stepmom title by yourself!!! Thanks again!!

meanpocahontas's picture

Wow 19 tardies already! Why is she tardy???

I guess I will have to reinvent my role here. I some what have already started down that road but will need to complete it. There is so much I would do and stop here if I was the 'real' parent here. But not my problem or responsibility, right!?!

How do you handle any of these with your DH? I mean when the sh!# hits the fan or they are being rude/disrespect, or they do not do their chores or what is asked and he is not around, what do you do or say to him or them? After you pick and choose your battles, do you inform him? What would you say or tell them when they came to you with a problem or whatever? For instance last night SD came to me wanting me to take her to the store and I told her that she needed to talk to her dad about that. And of course she pushed nad whined and mumbled and I just told her in the nicest tone I could round up that it was not my responsibility to do so and to talk to her dad about it. Was that right or wrong? What works? I mean I get to the point many of times that I do not want to talk to her or see her or hear her. I do not even want to engage in a conversation because all it ends being is a total attitude and the lil ms. know it all comes out. I mean my natural instinct to matters like that is to fight fire with fire and be a smart ass. Which feels good sometimes but it makes me no better than her. I know I have to conduct myself as the adult but I feel I need some ground to stand firm on. I am one that firmly believes in you treat others how you want to be treated. And thats what I do. And the one thing that kills me is that dad has been the bank. She will not even bother to ask her for money for anything. The boy he has no problem or shame in that. She thinks that since dad has full custody is she have to pay for everything. Sounds like a little birdie has been chirping in her ear if you ask me. Their mother does not pay a dime in child support. Was never asked to! I just got him to start sending her letters to pay 1/2 of their medical bills as noted in the divorce decree. Sorry I just have to vent. Feels kinda good to let it out especially to some1 in nearly the same situation.

Breaks my heart because she was a sweet little girl when I moved in, spoiled and manipulative but sweet. The boy and I have pretty much remained the same from the beginning till now. We have had our moments. He still has a really bad mouth but he has become a nice young man. All I want to do is help and extend my love. And dad thinks that I am mean, and I only see it, as he never knew what it was like to have a female with parenting/discipline ideas.Any who thanks for your words of advice and your words in general! Hope all is well on your end!

adva25's picture

Vick Meister,
When my step daughter moved in with us, i took on the role full time... and one day i read e-mails she sent to her mom (who overdosed btw, hence why hubby has custody) abt how much she hated me... BORKE MY HEART... I was sooo hurt and disappointed that i did not say a word to her for 10 days. as the anger went away, i realized what the prob was: I was parenting when I was not her mom! DUH!!!! I laid it out there, let her know that she would have to address her dad when things were needed, and that ms Ami as taking a step back here... he he he... Took her 2 days to beg me to go back to the way I was before. I still am not but i help every now and again. It is much easier now that I have "detached" a bit... She wasn't mad at me, she was mad that I was a better mom that her real mom...
Pocahontas, maybe that's something that might work for your family...
Good Luck!