Daddy's Rights
I am a stepdad.
My wife has a 4 year old daughter who has been through a traumatic year with her biological father.
My stepdaughter made an outcry of sexual abuse against her biological father to her therapist. The therapist reported the outcry.
Before we knew it, we were dealing with doctors, psychologists, attorneys, CPS, a detective, a forensic psychologist and a very long and arduous legal battle.
The biological father filed a retaliatory suit against my wife claiming "parent alienation" for primary custody and exclusive educational, medical, psychological and psychiatric rights because my wife filed a custody modifaction until everything got sorted out for her daughter's safety.
In court, the judge and father made a bigger issue of the fact the stepdaughter chose to call me "dad" as opposed to the initial outcry of sexual abuse.
The therapist testified it can be traumatic to the child to force the child to not call anyone a name she consciously chose out of love. She also testified the father puts his needs above the child's and is in fact emotionally abusing the child.
CPS testified there was not evidence to prove or disprove the alleged abuse occurred.
The forensic psychologist testified that even though the alleged act was not likely sexually motivated, he cannot rule out that other forms of abuse did not occur. He also testified the mother showed no signs of coaching or malicious intent and acted as any other reasonable mother would.
The detective testified the father is being uncooperative and is refusing to take a polygraph.
The father openly admitted in court he didn't follow any court orders or therapist recommendations and has a documented history of physical abuse against my wife. The father was caught making numerous lies and attempted to misrepresent evidence.
The judge awarded the father primary custody; exclusive educational, medical, psychological and psychiatric rights. My wife now has less visitation than he did despite the fact there is still an open criminal investigation. My wife has to pay him 3 times the amount he paid in child support. The judge also ordered that a child CANNOT call a nonparent a parental name and both parents must correct the child every time the child calls me "dad" and is forcing the therapist to obey the order.
We did everything we were supposed to do per the "professionals". Never did anything manipulative or malicious yet it feels like my wife got punished for wanting to protect her child after her child made an outcry of sexual abuse to her therapist. Now a judge can legally change what words children are allowed to associate with who and force medical professionals to abide.
In court the judge said, "In my 13 years on the bench, I've never had to make a custody decision over a name issue".
Does the fact that a 4 year old girl said, "My dad hurt my butt (pointed to her vagina). He did it in his bedroom" to her therapist and specifically called him by name not matter anymore?
- mdgeary87's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
The problem is that false
The problem is that false allegations fly around in family court more often than it should.
What the judge doesn't have concrete evidence of is Dad physically harming his daughter. Without context, "Dad hurt my butt" could be Dad spanky his daughter or cleaning her too roughly in the bathroom. It could also mean sexual abuse.
What the judge DOES have proof of is your SD calling you Dad in spite of her father being present in her life. She's also 4 and seeing a therapist. Not sure what the therapy is for, but the judge may have assumed that Mom is trying to replace Dad with her new husband (you) and using CPS, the therapist, doctors, etc to make that happen. Even if that's not what she is trying to do, there is more evidence toward that, it seems, than there is that Dad is molesting his daughter.
Or, the judge is sexist and has beef with moms (a rarity) so he put your daughter in an unsafe position.
Factors that lead to higher CS is your wife making more money than Dad and having less visitation than Dad. Factors that lead to less visitation is either strong evidence that your wife did, in fact, try to alienate her daughter from her father OR he's an a-hole OR Dad did a great job manipulating the judge.
Did the judge give your wife any instruction on what she'd need to do in order to get custody back? Is she going to appeal the decision? Her only recourse right now, outside of court, is to document everything. If SD continues to make claims, then your wife needs to follow up with her attorney. These need to be unprompted claims because any whiff that your wife is pushing her daughter to claim something against Dad will backfire and result, potentially, in even less visitation. If your SD is really being hurt, that's a very bad thing.
I completely understand where
I completely understand where you are coming from and you have very valid points.
I hope you trust that what I am saying is true.
Every expert witness (Medical Examiner, CPS, child psychologist, and Forensic Psychologist) testified there were no signs of alienation or coaching by the mother. The only evidence the father provided to support his claim for parent alienation was the fact my wife filed an emergency modification, which was advised by the attorney and signed by the very same judge.
I am simply bringing awareness to the fact that a judge is now able to go against a medical professional's opinion which is supported by extensive research and data and dictate that a child is not legally allowed to call a nonparent a parental name. The judge made it mandatory the parent correct the child each and every time.
What is more concerning is the fact that a parent now needs to fear losing custody of their child to the abuser if the child makes an outcry in good faith to anyone then gets reported.
Instead of trying to find holes, I ask that you trust what I am saying is and think about the precedent it sets for children's safety and also the challenges imposes for blended families.
As someone on the other side
As someone on the other side whose husband had supervised visits when he divorced his ex because she lied about being abused even though she was the abuser, I'm always going to be skeptical.
Judges have always had the authority to overrule the opinions of experts. Child psychologists don't universally agree that a child calling a stepparent Mom or Dad is good or bad. Fact is, it's a pretty common tactic for alienating parents to push their kids to call the new partner Mom or Dad. Not saying that happened in your case, but the best way to handle it is just not have the kid call someone who isn't their parent Mom or Dad.
And the child's accusations against her dad weren't ignored. In fact, they were heavily investigated and there was found to be no proof that her accusations were based on reality. Kids have and do lie about abuse, even without parental prompting.
Here is what I think the judge saw, factual or not. They see a 4 year old in therapy calling their mother's new husband "Dad". Then, in therapy, in front of a mandated reporter, the child expresses they've been abused. Didn't tell Mommy or Stepdad that it happened, just the therapist. After much investigation, there is no proof that Dad did anything wrong, but there is evidence that Mom might be alienating her daughter by using a therapist, filing for emergency custody before anything has been investigated, and her new husband being called Dad.
In many cases, this situation looks classically like alienation. What I'm surprised by is this judge signed the emergency order and then flipped custody. He's either entirely off base or you are blind to what your wife is actually doing. Either way, the only ways forward are to appeal and document.
I'm sorry that your SD is potentially in a bad situation. If he dad really did molest her, may Karma hit him with a bus. You and your wife are in a really crappy spot, and there is no easy solution to that. You'll both have to wait it out and do some research specifically on how to protect a child from a molesting parent when there is no proof. Those resources do exist, but I'm not certain you'll find them here. There is a fine balance that has to struck between protecting SD but also not vilifying someone who might me, and currently is, innocent in the eyes of the law.
As a child therapist, I will
As a child therapist, I will tell you - there is no "extensive research" about kids calling stepparents mom or dad and it being damaging to them to stop that. That was merely the therapist's opinion on the matter.
BM here lied her face off in court and got custody of SS claiming abuse, so I too am skeptical that your wife is the injured party and the father stole custody from her. It could be true, I don't know. But I no longer assume someone is telling me the truth. I'd like to hear the bio father's side of this before I start clutching my pearls - sorry - we are only hearing one side of a story.
Is your wife appealing the
Is your wife appealing the judges decision? Is that possible? What does her lawyer say?
You aren’t the dad
I'm sorry for what this little girl is going through. If there is abuse, I hope the guilty party gets what's coming and the little girl can find healing.
It does sound like one of your concerns is that you want this child calling you dad. But you are not her father. So that should be an easy thing to stop.
I've been in my skids life for over 10 years - and am not their mom.
Stay out of this battle because it's easy for a judge to think you may be trying to push the bio dad aside. Let your wife deal with this. You are there to support her and be a positive influence for the child. Not to play new dad.
Something seems off about
Something seems off about this. It is not the status quo for a judge to change custody, especially if their is no evidence that the primary parent is unfit., Often if thier is not evidence the case would just be dismissed.
I would have to ask what occured in previous custody hearings between them that would lead the judge to make such a decision.
I'm not saying that their aren't bad people who use the courts to continue to abuse OP and that wrong decisions aren't made. But because it is so common that parents use the courts to punish each other Judges typically don't rule to change custody when their is lack of evidence.
I agree - information is
I agree - information is being cherry-picked to make mom the victim and dad the abuser. Unless this is a seriously awful judge (and they exist), there is more to this story.