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Here I am leaving the man I love because of his kids

Matraica66's picture

So here I am, I just moved 350 miles to be with the man that I love. 4 1/2 months ago, after being together long distance for almost 2 1/2 years. His girls and I, ages 12 and 16 used to get along fantastically. Until I moved north and we got a bigger, nicer house. Then the sociopathic ex wife decided she didn't like that fact that her girls wanted to spend most of their time over here. And that's when the brainwashing begun. She got to the girls. The elder was convinced that I was bad for her, and her father didn't trust her, yards yadda yadda. Now she's not speaking to her father, and came by a couple of weeks ago and took everything , and I do mean everything to her mothers house. Things that were given to her by him, or us. And made a huge issue out of the entire thing, including physically beating on both her sister and her father when he stepped in to stop her. ( mind you, the family definitely has their own set of dysfunctional dynamics and the younger daughter has serious and clinical emotional issues. But still).
Then all of a sudden, the younger daughter, who is very much her own person, decided that I was "trying to be her mother" ( huh?... Nope) and now she "hates" me. This has been going on for several weeks and she is openly hostile to me in my own home. Her father has tried , he's talked to her, and she's in counseling, etc. but nothing.
My relationship to by bf wasn't perfect. If I said it was I would be lying. But it was more good than bad. And we wanted this to work. Had it just been he and I, I think it would have. But it started wearing on me. The hostility, the rudeness, it was too much. I had already moved to an area where I had no one but them, and I'm feeling isolated to begin with.
So I'm packing, and getting ready to go.
Am I doing the right thing? I love this man. I know I'm doing the right thing. It just sucks beyond the telling of it


Matraica66's picture


Stepped in what momma's picture

Who do you love more, you or him? RUN! After his kids run off the next girlfriend he will see the pattern as he is the only one that can control it/them.

WTF...REALLY's picture

I understand what you are feeling.

I too am so tired of the dynamics with hubby's child. Today I even asked him about us living apart till the kids graduate. He said no way.

I too love him very much. There is no right answer.

For me, I wish she would go live with her mom - but the mom is a mess. She even lost custody of her. sigh........

Matraica66's picture

Ironically, the daughter is better with him than the mom. And it's a 50/50 custody issue.
No right answer. True that. The head and the heart just aren't agreeing I suppose

Matraica66's picture


new to this's picture

I would leave. You are not married, you are not happy. What does BF say about you leaving, what does he want to happen?

Matraica66's picture

He and I are incredibly sad. He doesn't want me to go, but supports my decision and is helping me with the entire move.

Matraica66's picture

I agree. And I saw it going south so quickly.
Just running now while I'm not completely mired in the drama.
Frankly, it's abusive.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Are you breaking up or are you just going to continue on with a long distance relationship?

Matraica66's picture

We are splitting up. The long distance thing just doesn't work any more and I'm not putting my life on hold for 6 years.
Trying to remain on friendly terms ( I'm actually really good at that) because we are each other's best friend. But I have health issues
( periodic clinical depression and nervous stomach) that just won't allow me to stay any longer

Matraica66's picture

It's just an ugly abusive situation
I don't think he sees it, and honestly, the daughter (12yo) has emotional disabilities and no real conscience. She's being raised in her moms image. Too sad to contemplate. And he probably will wind up single permanently.

Ohsoconfused's picture

I can tell you from experience that nothing magically changes with skids once they turn 18. He will still have SD's from hell and once they are adults they will simply play adult games. That six-year timeframe is just a form of false hope. Men with baggage like that are never a solo package. I had one I loved too, but the young adult skids with their BM's coaching managed to scupper things for us. And never expect a man to distance himself from biokids.

It's a horrible wrenching break, been through that, but not worth sacrificing your health for. I would say, if you meet another man with SD's, just pass on by. You will have a sad period of grieving, but you know you have made the best decision for YOU. Chalk it up to experience and count your blessings. You will have your freedom--priceless. I am in that boat too.

Matraica66's picture

Oh, I know about the 18 year old thing. It's he, that doesn't see it, but all of his kids have moved out as soon as they turned 18. And I have successfully managed 4 Stepkids before, in a 10 year relationship. But yes
,, time to move on.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

It won't suddenly get better in 6 years. Go read the adult step children forum. sometimesit gets worse. I wish I had listened to my inner voice and left years ago. Sad

You are doing the right thing.