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How do I handle - BM texted DH about status of our marriage!!!

Maria10's picture

A bit of background:

Bm1 is very high conflict. She has a golden uterus complext that for the past 12 ys has been fueled by DMIL with money and gifts. Cs for SS12 has always been spent on booze for BM. IMO she has neglected, pasd and isolated SS12 his whole life.( plenty of other posts). She has told ss she wants to keep him a baby forever and has discouraged healthy growing behaviors manipulatively.

Last weekend we had Ss12 overnight Sunday for a substitue day( we switched with BM). While having him DH and I had a heated argument in a different room( SS12 is very curious/ nosy and tried to come in twice during the 15 min the argument lasted-he always does this and gets sent to his room or something). Nothing major or concerning ss or bm.

So after DH drops SS off BM texts him about SS outfit being dirty( was same outfit in same condition she sent him in at the beginning of the weekend- he wore different clothes thru weekend). Dh ignores her.

She then texts that SS12 thinks that DH and I are getting divorced.umm...ok? Nothing about divorce was said anywhere at all.

I asked DH not to respond. Furthermore I asked him to not explain to SS12 anything. I told DH that if SS is nosy again he will have consequences. ( he has lied before about pretty big things about his dad to get out of getting yelled at). If he lies again there will be consequences. 

I do have to say that it must be difficult to live in BMs house and I have a hunch she might interrogate him about our house in order to pas my dh. Also I do not believe adult things should be discussed around skids( even calmly) so DH and I go to a different room to talk if such things arise during skid stays.

What do you guys think? How should I handle this? What should the consequences be? Should I go easy or hard on his punka**? 




Monchichi's picture

Ignore it is my advice. We don't engage with stories we hear from BM's house, of which there are many, we also ignore stories from ours. It's too much PT to start digging in to things like this and letting it get to you.

marblefawn's picture

Ignore BM. She desperately wants to get up in your business and engage you.

As for SS, maybe give a little here. He's already been through one breakup. Maybe he's genuinely shaken when he hears fighting among adults, especially if he goes home and get interrogated every time by BM. You don't even know for sure if SS said anything about divorce or if BM grilled him and extrapolated for her own twisted reasons.

When he tries to come in when you don't want him there, tell him you need a few minutes with his dad and you'll be right out.

If you really believe PAS is at play, the worst thing you can do is dish it out to SS on the other side. He's already her pawn. Don't make him your pawn too.

twoviewpoints's picture

While the dirty clothing is merely BM's usual b*tch and deserves to be ignored, but I don't agree with what you are saying and wanting about SS12.

It's not the kid's fault his father and you have chosen to have a 15min heated arguement in his presence. Doesn't matter it occurred in a separate room. The loud exchange obviously flowed around the other living spaces and SS hearing it wasn't due to SS nosy or spying.

You have no idea if BM number whatever actually quizzed the kid about anything and the kid has done nothing to be punished for or consequences handed out. If the heated exchange between Dad and you scared and/or upset the child, it's not out of line for the child to tell (all by himself, not asked) his other parent when he went home. Coming in twice may not be to be nosy, but because the child was concerned. If it's sounding like WW3 coming out of behind a closed door, his imagination could be conjuring up blows flying .... doesn't matter if the fight was actually about SS or BM. The adult in the home were having for nasty heated free-for-all. The kid's awareness of it was something he couldn't avoid.

And from the sounds of it (you said he's tried coming in before) it's not the first time such heated fights have occurred while kid was there. The kid has already been through a break-up of his Mom and Dad, then the break-up of his Dad and his little brother's Mom (the other BM) and now he's hearing the two of you (Dad and you) heatedly fighting. 

If you don't want the kid to know you and Dad are fighting and for him to possibly be concerned over it, do not fight when the kid is in the home and can not help but overhear and know what's going on. Save your fight for after the kid goes back to BM's. 

notasm3's picture

Well he could send BM a text saying “BM - sorry to disappoint you but there is NO FUTURE for you ever being in my life again”. 

Maria10's picture

They broke up before ss12 was even born. She's married but still calls DH everytime her DH is out of town. I wonder if her husband knows...

A whole gf and kid later and she's still attached. My DH must be a prize indeed!

justmakingthebest's picture

I would probably text BM and say something along the lines of  "It is sad that SS thinks that if a husband and wife have a minor quarrell that it means divorce. Sorry to disappoint you but Maria10 and I are great and as strong as ever in our marriage." 

I would also not bring it up with SS. Just let it go. Honestly, depending on how many men BM has had in and out of his life, he truely could have been concerned because of a little spat. 

hereiam's picture

I would ignore BM, you and your husband owe her no explanation.

I would explain to SS that couples can have heated discussions and disagreements, doesn't mean the marriage is in trouble, at all. It's good for him to know that couples with a healthy relationship work through their differences, not just split up and divorce.

I would then explain to him that when one eavesdrops and doesn't have all of the information (because one is not part of the discussion), misunderstandings occur and problems and/or hurt feelings can result from those misunderstandings.

Ignore BM, teach SS.

Maria10's picture

Yup already explained! He knows! 

He also normally comes to us when he has such concerns about us. He does not lie unless pressed too hard or wanting something.( something he learned from BM)

It could also ve BM being nutso and inventing things to stir the pot and alienate ss from dh.

Livingoutloud's picture

I’d avoid heated arguments when kids are at home. I grew up with parents who had heated arguments behind the door thinking we can’t hear. It’s a terrible feeling. I’d focus on how it effects SS. Maybe he witnessed loud arguments between BM and DH and now they are divorced, he might worry same about you. I’d be mindful about how it effects children. No need to reply to BM. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I think you and DH should ignore the message, and then be extra lovey dovey next time SS is there. LOL

Maria10's picture

I told DH to ignore her! She is ridiculous and drama driven besides it IS none of her business. 

The nosiness issue has already been talked about at length with SS( the first 8 years of Ss life everybody included Ss in adult conversations and decisions basically being treated like a mini adult- he is not used to the adults being adults and him being the child!). 

The lying issue is something SS12 learned from BM. Now he tells her that he is depressed about what happens at our house so he can do whatever he wants at hers. So naturally he has to come up with bigger better lies each time she asks(interrogates...?). This is the fourth time he has told an outrageous lie in order to get what he wants. Something needs to change bc a lecture is no longer enough.

I am worried that in the future he will snoop on something dangerous then land in real trouble by lying about it to try to get out of it!

Also Thank YOU!

for getting me to look deeper at how many changes SS has gone through in the last year. A lot has happened and he might be sensitive bc he feels that the only stable environment he has( my and DH house) had is falling apart(stress+lack of info). I will be a bit more compassionate in my approach to what consequences there should be( consequences NOT punishments).


ESMOD's picture

I would also try my best so save the heated discussions for when he is not in the home.  An added benefit of that is that if you have the discussion after you both have cooled off.. perhaps you both will be more reasonable and the discussion won't become as heated?

Survivingstephell's picture

This is a good lesson for SS on relationships that can withstand an occasional fight and not end up in divorce.  Conflict between spouses happens.  Now you can try your best to keep it out of sight but shit happens and you blow up.  Teaching SS that you both still love each other and work things out after a fight is a good message to send to SS about relationships.  

As for testing SS about snooping, set him up with a really juicy false tidbit that is too good not to pass on.  When she contacts DH about it , you have your answer and can set up your house accordingly  (ie: hiding papers, bank statements, bills, etc....)  keeping conversations bland, not sharing a whole lot about the future and life when he's not there.  

As for BM texting all the time, have DH ask her if her husband knows she texts him so much.  Maybe her marriage is in trouble!  LOL  

I found our HCBM didn't like it so much when her behavior was brought in to question like that.  

Maria10's picture

Dh is bad at taking hints I am good at giving them. Dh is direct and can be hurtfully blunt( there are times when i wish i could give him a certain look and he'd know....but nooo not him!). It is also a habit of his to involve the skids in adult decisions and have arguments right in front of them.( luckily I have been able to curb these tendencies 75%  of the time. The other 25% however ....)This issue was time sensitive and had to be discussed right then in order to preplan. Best I could do was drag DH into other room.