I don’t want to do this today.
This is just absolute emotional vomit.
I'm tired. I have a 15 hour day tomorrow. After a long day today and coming home spending an hour cleaning up after the boys. Then cooking dinner. Getting the kid to bed. Who WONT GO TO SLEEP. And SO won't be home until midnight.
I'm still recovering from a major shoulder surgery, the winter weather is killing me. I don't want to be responsible for a child. I want to take a sleeping pill and go to bed.
I don't want to be responsible for a child who's not mine, who belongs to a man who doesn't want anymore children. And the fact that he would reproduce with someone like BM and not me, is, quite frankly, incredibly effing insulting. Oh I know it's more than that. I know having a child is a huge responsibility. But when we started dating, he said he was open to having more kids, and once I moved in and was all involved, he said he didn't want any more. Honestly, I never would've gotten this deeply involved if I'd have know he didn't want kids. Why be child-less when I could just be child-free?
today, I don't want to do this at all. I want to be on the beach drinking beer and writing a novel. I don't want to see another FB post of BMs where she's out having fun and I'm stuck at home watching her kid. Today I want to leave. I want to leave so freaking bad,
but I have nowhere to go. I can't support myself despite working two jobs. I. Can't. Leave.
today I hate my life.
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I don't know how old you are,
I don't know how old you are, but believe me, when you get to my age (early 60s) the only thing you regret is the time you spent wasting your life in an unhappy situation. For me, it was the last decade or so of an emotionally abusive relationship with ExH - I wish I had gone sooner. I stayed because of my kids - you have no kids with this man, who went back on his word to you. Don't hate your life any longer - get the life you want - or die trying, is my advice.
THIS!!!!
100%
I made it clear to my DH that
I made it clear to my DH that not having my own kids was a dealbreaker for me, I made no room for him to ‘change his mind’ as I’d be out of that ever happened.
If you genuinely want your own kids, you need out of this relationship. I think it’s fairly unacceptable that you’re recovering from surgery & your husband expects you to be taking care of his kids. I’d start telling him no, and be looking for a way out.
How did you support yourself before getting involved with him? There are ways out, you’re not stuck. It might take a bit of time but there IS a way.
Honestly, what most likely is
Honestly, what's most likely is keeping you there is FEAR. Deal with that fear and the rest will fall into place.
Even babysitters get paid.
The best thing I ever did for my sanity was to stop having skid when DH wasn't available. If DH is working until after bedtime there is no reason, at all, for you to have skid. Whatever the custody arrangement between him and BM, it is between HIM and BM, not you. If he has to work, then he needs to make other arrangements for skid, which may be sending skid back to BM on those days he's not available.
Feeling trapped is the worst
And everything always looked darker and more hopeless to me when I'm feeling stuck. There is always a way, sometimes it just takes a little bit to find it. Don't live like that.
Look at every resource and option. Anyone you know who could rent you a room for awhile?maybe a co-worker or friend with a spare room? Check with every agency and church in town for resources and help. If you call a counselor's office or even a doctor's office they often have a list of local resources.
Why oh why is it so many seem to think we are built in maids and nannies. And they just play dumb about everything too. We try to help and share a life with someone and get used up.
Find your way out, save yourself!
Can you rent a room or stay
Can you rent a room or stay with a friend/family temporarily until you can exit the marriage? You will regret continuing this facade and playing mommy and live in nanny all the while you want a biological child of your own. If you haven't already, you will resent him because you want a child and he's just using you as a babysitter and bed warmer. Please save your money and rent a room if you have to. Anything is better than what you have going on right now.
You clearly are unhappy. You
You clearly are unhappy. You say that you can't support yourself despite working two jobs. Is the problem debt? Because if so, there are ways to deal with that.. perhaps do a consolidation loan or as a last resort bankruptcy..
Then to a living situation.. you might consider shared living space.. ie an apt or room in a home vs living 100% independently.
It sounds miserable in your current situation