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Surprise surprise (advice please)

Mamabearof3's picture

So after DH receiving no reply whatever for over a week I messaged SD and asked if she'd spoken to her mom about next weekend. She said her mom mad plans so she can't come. She didn't have plans a week ago but during the weeks time we're waiting on a reply she made plans. I told her I was sorry she did that and we'll keep trying to see her whenever we can. But that we'll post pone the bike trip we hope to have planned for next summer to the following summer when she's legally able to come without permission. She said her moms okay with that and that she just made plans for this weekend is all. Though this is a habit of her moms and she has does this kind of stuff for years. I didn't reply. Idk what to say. I don't want to dog her mom and I don't want to be a B@&$h so how do I reply? I can let DH do it I guess but getting him to invite her himself was hard enough. He really doesn't like the drama with her mom. And just avoids it. 

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CastleJJ's picture

I either wouldn't reply or just reply "Just let us know when you'd like to visit." It's a natural close to the conversation and puts the ball 100% in SD's court. SD wants to visit, she figures it out. If SD doesn't communicate, then no visit. She is a big girl. SD clearly doesn't see BM's antics for what they are, so she just sees it as no big deal. You on the other hand, see the antics for exactly what they are. I know it's hard to bite your tongue when you so clearly see whats happening, but it isnt worth it. 

Mamabearof3's picture

Yea I'm waiting till DH gets up for work and asking him. Haven't replied. I just hate trying to plan around her moms crap. 

WwCorgi7's picture

What if she doesn't want to come when she is legal? Will you continue to postpone life and wait around the phone until she decides to be part of the family again or her mom has nothing planned?

Mamabearof3's picture

I don't think I'm post poning life. If she doesn't want to then than she can say that. I really don't like winging it and I like set plans. It really bothers me not to be prepared for things. That's what personally bothers myself. I don't like things up in the air. 

WwCorgi7's picture

Oh I guess I got that wrong. I thought you meant the bike trip you planned for next year was being pushed back another year in hopes of her attending when she is legal.

Your DH gave her plenty of notice and she completely ignored it until you text then informed you no. This will be a pattern that continues on if you keep letting it. If you want to let her know your plans give a strict deadline. I need to know by this day and time, if I hear nothing then we cannot accommodate you last minute and you will have to miss out. That's on her not you. 

Mamabearof3's picture

Yea I'm just going to tell him postpone the trip till she's older so her mom can't ruin the plans. (My idea was for him and her to take a overnite trip together just them two). We've done nothing yet to start the actual planning process so no big deal. But if it's her moms choice it'll always be last minute and full of drama. She always says oh idk I have to wait for my mom to let me know etc. He asked her last week and I told her Monday to let us know before Friday. I think she wouldn't have replied or let us know if I didn't ask again so I asked today. I wanted the for sure no or yes. Idk why else she would avoid answering. Bothers me her mom makes plans after we do though. But it's fine. When she's 17 she can legally do as she wants and it'll be on her to say no I don't want to etc instead of blaming mommy. 

WwCorgi7's picture

That's what BM's do they throw a wrench in everything. She could say no at 17 but she may also still play the no response game and have you still bending over backwards to include her. Your DH should be the one giving her the info this is our plan, date/time, let us know by this date/time a for sure yes or no. Give it to her once and don't go checking up on her. The day passes and no response? She doesn't get to go. There is no need to keep reminding her to make a decision. She calls whining about wanting to suddenly go? Sorry we didn't hear from you by the deadline. She may even be using mommy as an excuse when she is legal or she just feels pressure and not know how to communicate effectively. You just have to set boundaries and let it go.

Mamabearof3's picture

You're right. That's my goal for sure. I'm a bit of an emotional pushover and it's hard to just set the boundaries and rules out and expect her to follow them. 

CLove's picture

Either you wait until last minute and dont make ANY plans, or you wait until last minute and make plans A, B and C, or you make ONE plan and she comes or she doesnt and it doesnt matter either way.

I would not postpone anything. Sd needs to learn a lesson here. BM doesnt get to pull anyone elses puppet strings. If SD wants to be her puppet, fine. But not you.

Mamabearof3's picture

That's my goal honestly. Her mom has controlled many of our weekends by being such a pain. This Fourth of July we did all the decorations and had a lot of fun without her even though she was supposed to have been here. I am sour over spending 130.00 on her amusement park tickets she apparently won't be using. I'm pretty irritated with that. Told husband we won't be paying for another thing like that ahead of time. 

CLove's picture

I used to do this, to encourage Sd15 Bacstabber/Munchkin to plan things with us.

Turns out shes a backstabbing wet noodle and I am no longer in charge of scheduling fun things for her benefit.

Its really her loss. She is missing out on important family time that she cant get abck.

Is her mother really that fun?

Mamabearof3's picture

Her mom has let her have tequila before and takes her to concerts and lets her pretty much do anything she wants with her friends so probably. The rule with her older "step brother" still not married yet to his dad. Was at 16 he could have a gf move in and smoke with them. So probably more fun in the average American teenagers eyes. 

Mamabearof3's picture

But yes I do send photos of the kids and her dad. And the pets. I am not trying to be petty but she's invited to be apart of it. 

Cover1W's picture

Yes, we get it.  I've made lots of plans in the past and the schedule changes or no one wants to do it. So I just stopped making plans. DH can figure it out. If I have no control over the schedule, I'm not putting things I want to do on hold because of others.

Example: There's a super fun bike ride that would be a great, fun day ride and in the skill level for all of us. I've done it before. But no one else can work up any enthusiasm or confirm a weekend day for this so I'm out. I'm going to meet up with a couple friends myself and we'll do the ride together.  Forget DH and YSD.

Mamabearof3's picture

I hope you and your friends have fun! I definitely don't like the non chalant behavior towards seeing her siblings though. I committed to having a fun summer regardless this year. We have a birthday party to go to next weekend and needed a head count. Just four I guess. Oh well. 

Mamabearof3's picture

I replied. I just said that me and her dad talked about it and we'll plan a Christmas break vacation to catch up on family time next year before the summer trip. And I told her we'll still try to see here as much as we can before then and asked her if she thinks her mom will let her use the amusement park tickets we bought this summer since they won't be valid after the seasons over. Her only reply was. Idk. So it is what it is.