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I promise I’m not mentally disabled

Mamabearof3's picture

BUT should I text my SD anything at all!? And if so what exactly? Because I'm upset. She STILL hasn't sent DH a text and I know he won't reach out now because his feelings are hurt I'm sure and he's obviously preoccupied. We're hoping to not have to drive 3 hours back to surgeons office tomorrow because of some side effects he's having. He invited her to a concert couple weeks ago saying he wanted to do something before being out of commission for a little while and she said her mom said they were busy so that was that. DH has his dads side family reunion she's invited to come to next week. I'm not sure if I should ask her what's up with that and just leave it at that or say nothing and just let it be. I feel like maybe I should just let it be and stop reaching out. I know some of you have said that. But it's so unlike me. I'm way better at confrontation even than saying nothing. Even when I say nothing to MIL about her BS I still wrote a letter and just didn't send it out. So part of me really wants to send my SD a text to say hey this is wrong. 


CastleJJ's picture

Your SD is old enough to contact her father and to make her own plans to see her father. She is choosing not to. Do not contact SD, BM, or anyone else. Just focus on supporting your husband. He needs to handle his own relationship with SD. If you meddle, it will only backfire and you will be accused of wrongdoing or interfering. 

JRI's picture

CastleJJ puts it very well.  Stay out of it.

WwCorgi7's picture

Not trying to be nasty or offend you but I think you are making this entirely about yourself. She isn't your kid. Leave her alone. At this point it sounds like you are overbearing and overstepping big time. You are putting in more effort than her actual parent because you are upset. Constantly reaching out, inviting her, and checking in is not giving you any different result. She still does not care or want to be apart of your family right now. You are focusing on your feelings and how you feel. I think this is a problem with you at this point. If you are upset by her and can't get over this then it is time for you to seek therapy or counseling so you can move on. 

Mamabearof3's picture

I have backed off a lot. From day one I have overstepped. (I practically had a mother who needed cared for when I was a child so me being overbearing and parental is second nature and my dad passed and my little brother still expects a lot of me. I have had counseling and therapy for over a decade for all that.)And I honestly wouldn't mind going now but it's not in our current schedule or budget plan. If I didn't eventually threaten her mom after pushing the dentist issue her rotten teeth wouldn't have been fixed. And if I didn't scrub her head with a nail brush for every single nite she was at our home the first months her scalp would have stayed black. My DH hadn't seen her in over a year due to living out of state and not being sure she was even his before we met and she was pretty neglected. I've done most the headlice treatments on her over the years and several on my husband and his moms family even. I've walked in SD moms house to tell her to clean her daughters ass before (it was disgusting how she come to our home all the time) to her face even when SD was 8. I was only 18 when we met and she was in her early 20s and I probably should have called CPS and left it at that honestly. I use to get her for a week even when DH was at work OTR. And up till last summer I did most the four hour drive to get her even. She would ask me to. She liked the car ride to talk. My DH defiantly should have been the forefront of everything that needed done. But I can't undo the past now. I do feel unappreciated and a bit resentful but mainly I just want things to be okay now and idk how to do that. I guess doing nothing is all I should do at this point. 

advice.only2's picture

It's hard, but at some point you have to just let it go and let the sh@t parents be the sh@t parents they have been this whole time.

missgingersnap2021's picture

Be grateful that your SD doesn't even wanna be around your DH. I have the 1000% opposite problem

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

You have to let go of your feeling of responsibility for SD. Just because you are in a relationship with her father doesn't change the reality of her situation or the fact that you have no control over it. 



Mamabearof3's picture

Yea I do feel too much responsibility for her. Even last week she sent me her google photo compilation link from when she was little. I engaged with her about it reminiscing etc. Nobody else commented anything on it and she didn't even send it to her dad. I showed him it though. Which I'm sure she knows I did. I'm just use to being their middle man. 

ESMOD's picture

I would think of this as a tennis match.. the ball is in her court.  

And the other person in the game is your husband.. and just like a real tennis match.. you can't run in there and hit that backhand for him.

She isn't your child.. it's not your responsibility to remind her to be a better person.. to tell her to be more concerned for her father.  Also, your DH.. is also an adult and even a hurt adult can do what they want to mend a relationship.. they don't have to sit there and refuse to contact the other person because they are hurt.  If he wants to have this relationship.. it's a two way street for them both.

I don't see any win in you trying to step in and manage any of this.. if it "worked"  you would never get the credit.. so the only result is likely being blamed for some wrong outcome.

As difficult as it may be to watch your husband hurt and want to fix thing.. some things just can't be resolved by someone outside that relationship (father/daughter).

Take care of you.. take care of your DH... live as happy of a life as you can.