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Mamabearof3's picture

Since nobody knows who I am here I'll post here. My mom was diagnosed with AIDS couple years ago. I don't keep secrets but wanted to keep that from SD as it's a subject that's a bit personal and her mom and my MIL knowing could be painful for my family and me specifically. We'll she ended up finding out and it hasn't been anything said to me directly on it anyways. I guess they're not that low down anyways. SD doesn't keep secrets well and I'm sure she's told her mom and others. We'll that brings me to some information I found today. Allegedly my dad raped a woman when he was a teen. And I have a much older brother who none of us knew about. On top of my other older half brother that I've met only once. My dad was largely uninvolved in his life. My dads been dead 22 years now and no way to confirm wether it was truly rape or consensual. Given the woman's record with men idk. And I didn't know my dad very well. Nobody's sure yet what to believe. My new found brother is very angry with his mom for the lies over the years he's heard and list of possible dads he had and they're all fighting. The step dad always berated him for who he thought was his dad growing up but turns out it was not that man. It was my dad. My dna on ancestry matched with my nephew and we spent months trying to figure it out as it said we were cousins. And I'm sitting here thinking of the few things I know of my dad and all the wonderful things people have told me about him. Which upon telling his older cousin the news she responded with he was a very spoiled child given he was the youngest and his little sister and mother died when he was a child. My mom was toxic. And my dad had his issues. I feel confused and disappointed. Wish I could ask him his side of the story. Maybe he did do it. Idk. Idk her and I barely knew him. I don't want to downplay her experience if he did and I'd never say any of this to any of her family. But I don't want to bad mouth my dad especially if it's not true.  He died right after my 8th birthday. I didn't know him that well to be able to say if I think he'd have done such a thing. I'll probably delete this post after awhile. Just wanted to vent the situation. Hopefully we can all meet and become family. My nephew did a good thing figuring it out and getting to the bottom of it. But he's only 20 and that's a lot to do. I just don't know exactly how much to reach out now. It's nice to have a bigger family. Even if it is a very ugly way it came about. Anyone else have crazy stories surface from ancestry research?

Comments

hereiam's picture

Honestly, the family that I know about is crazy enough, I'm happy to leave the rest alone.

I'm sorry about your mom. How is she doing? They have come a long way with treatment, so that is good.

Mamabearof3's picture

My mom is still herself. She is incredibly abusive and toxic. Like try to burn home down with us kids inside while my dad slept crazy. And she reached out around the time of being diagnosed. I got her set up with programs and supplements and everything else. We no longer talk. She doesn't like other females at all. Especially not me. Never has. AIDS is still serious but yes they have free programs and she's doing very well. Her medication and everything is covered. Very expensive stuff. 

Felicity0224's picture

Oh my. That is a lot to take in. I hope you have someone to support you as you work through your feelings? You have every right to be confused and frustrated with your parents. 

Mamabearof3's picture

Yea I was actually on the phone with my little brother who I grew up with till we went to foster care anyways. And talked to my husband and friends and my last foster mom. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Because we're anonymous, I'll share. My mom told me many years ago (I was a teenager) that my dad raped her and my youngest sister was a product of rape. To say it was a mixed bag of emotions is an understatement. At the time, I already didn't get along with my dad, so that only added fuel to that fire.

It's really hard to reconcile your feelings when you get information like that. I look at my dad, and while I see a very imperfect man, I don't see a rapist. Then I look at my mom and know she has a history of exaggerating the truth or interpreting situations very differently in her brain than they actually happened (yay side effects of depression/improperly treated bipolar disorder/whatever is going on up there). Yet, my mom isn't likely the kind to find "date rape" to be actual rape, so for her to use the word "rape" makes me think it happened. Yet, my dad has dated again since and managed to have longer-term relationships without being accused of rape (as far as I know; if there have been accusations, they weren't made through police).

I still haven't fully processed that, and on the rare occasions my mom tries to discuss it (privately, she's big into bonding with us the way my grandma and her did once they were adults), I change the subject. I can't have that conversation with her because at no point do I get closure from it. I will go to my grave never knowing if my dad is a rapist, if my sister is a product of rape, or if my mom lied. There is no way of knowing.

I'm sharing this, OP, not for sympathy, but to say I empathize with you on this and understand, to some extent, the feelings you have. My parents effed up in a lot of ways, though not to the extent your mother did. The few things I think they did right are the few things I share here. My dad has a lot of abuse in his family history, and he won't talk about it. My mom was a spoiled only child who suffers from mental health issues but keeps it together enough to (mostly) function. Being around the crazy really just sorta pushes one to say "oh FFS, what now?!" when you find out something new. It's not so much being numb to it so much as not being overly surprised that there is something else.

I have no advice, just empathy. Just boatloads of empathy. It's not something you want to hear, and there's not a lot you can do with that information once it's shared with you. 

Mamabearof3's picture

Exactly how I feel. I'm not in shock because it's always something. And I don't want sympathy. I haven't even cried over it or anything. But it is a bit overwhelming. I know nurture means something. But nature does too to an extent and it just doesn't look good for me to have so much bad in my family line so it's embarrassing I guess. I'm sorry you will never know the truth with your parents either. We won't even bring it up to my mom. She lies and makes up stories so much she won't be any help. I'm positive she has no clue anyways because it'd have slipped by now. 

ImFreeAtLast's picture

I hope you're mother hasn't  infected anyone else. Do you know how she was infected? I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this. There are similar stories in my own family which disgusts Mr. Don't pay for anything for your birth mother she is evil.

Mamabearof3's picture

My counselors had told me for years to cut contact off. I haven't reached out since March and she sent me some flowers on Mother's Day for the first time. But I told her in order to be in my life she has to publicly apologize and admit to all the lies she's spread about me and all the things she's done to harm me purposefully. Which she won't. I'm trying to not be a doormat. She's had her sister reach out to tell me off for it. But she's definitely too toxic. And her new Facebook page says she's in a relationship so who knows. I'm not sure if she's infected anyone. I was in contact with her caseworker and she didn't like that. I almost took custody of her three times now but decided to let the state deal with her. Her mental health is very bad. Dementia level and she's just too risky for my family to deal with. Idk for sure who gave it to her I just know two years ago when she was diagnosed they said she'd had it for at least 7 years for it to be the stage it was so I suspect I know who it was as she was dating a man younger than me at the time who had a bullet stuck in his head and just all around wreckless thug. So I think it was him. That was SOOOOOOOO much toxicity. I can't even begin to go into their relationship.  

Mamabearof3's picture

I am not currently in therapy but I was for over a decide. I have cut contact with her completely since March. Yesterday she actually messaged me from a new number being her usual self. I replied with the repetitive I'm not doing this with you response but I did block her after that.  If she messages me again from somewhere else I'll get a new number. But she had been cut off for better part of a year when I was 13 even and again when I had my first child. And I've accepted I cannot let her back in at all despite family pushing it and telling me I have to forgive her etc. My little brother actually told her all this drama yesterday. Which he told me he wasn't going to because it would be bad if she knew as she lives near and knows many of the same people as my older brother that's the product of the rape. And he's struggling enough with the news without people knowing. My little brother is not answering his phone now after doing that for whatever reason. And his fiancé isn't responding to me asking why he told her and what's going on either. It's embarrassing how horrible they are. And I'm finally accepting that he's as toxic as her and giving up on that relationship as well. Trauma bonds are strong though and telling me when I was young to give up was in one ear and out the other. I truly would have forgiven her for anything and I did. I was in very deep debt because she kept stealing my identity even and I just kept paying the bills. I truly wish I'd have gotten her arrested for it now. So much more even but I was raised by her and she always made me feel guilt for trying to stand up for myself so it was a big hurdle for me to get to this point of no contact. I'm sticking to it this time though. Mainly for my kids well being but it's good for me as well even though it's hard to do. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Crazy biological family is just the tip of the iceberg for me. Before I get lost in everything else I am about to write, I just want to say that cutting off many of my biological family has been the best thing for me. 

So, my mom was adopted. It was kind of a scandal. What we know was her father was high ranking in the Army (and married), her mother was enlisted and his secretary. She got pregnant and the Army pushed her to give my mom up for adoption. Then her birth and adoption records from the Army were destroyed. 

On her bio mother's death bed there was a whole confession about my mom. My 1/2 uncle was able to track her down. He is great. We are really glad my mom never had to grow up with her bio mom who was a crazy bi polar B from what we know. 

Now, about 2 years ago we finally tracked down who we think her father is. His family refused the DNA testing and thought my mom was after their money. Could not have been further from the truth but whatever. One of the (potential) cousins and I are still on soical media together. I think he wants to do DNA testing but is afraid to go against his family. We will see what happens in the years to come. 

My Bio dad is a "great guy", let me tell you. My mom fell head over heals for my older 1/2 sister. She was under 2 at the time and the BM had multiple personalities bat shit crazy. Raped by her brother for years- just wow stuff. My mom quickly married my BD so he could get full custody (this was in '81 so he would have never got it without being married). Then I came along and he started dealing crack. He beat my mom. She was only allowed to have 1 pair of pants, 2 shirts and a pair of rubber flip flops. 

One night she caught him in my rooms smoking crack. I was 9 months old. She tried to get him out of the house and when that didn't work she tried to take me and my sister. He started beating her. She covered me with her body to protect me. He left with my sister. To this day she wishes she fought harder for my sister but she couldn't keep me from him if she did.

They divorced, on his first unsupervised weekend visitation he kidnaped me. I was 2 at the time. It took the police a week to find me. He went to jail when they busted in the door. He was arrested for kidnapping but did 16 years for all the drugs they found. They dropped the kidnapping charge to get him to turn over people in his drug ring or whatever. 

After he got out of prison he had 2 more kids. Boys. They are 23 and 18 now. I talk to the 23 yr old from time to time. He wants me to be his big sister but he has had a life that I can't relate to nor do I want my kids exposed. He was so severely abused it would make your stomach turn. 

My older sister is a mess too. She had a kid a 16, who had a kid at 18. My sister is just trash, pure and simple. My niece is no better. My sister was trying to punch my niece and actually punched the baby. No one seemed to care. After a week, I couldn't take it anymore and called CPS. So, if you ask any of them I am an evil c**t. My niece lost custody of her kids over it, they live with the BD's mom (the grandma). 

Moral of the story, all families have skeletons that they don't want out. I just have decided that I don't even want them in my closet. 

Mamabearof3's picture

I'm so sorry for your family troubles! That's ALOT for one family for sure. It's very hard to see what abuse does to others. Especially siblings. My little brother didn't go to detention centers as long as I did and get help. I went to a good foster home. And he was at a HORRIBLE one. He just didn't get the positive influences I had and it definitely shows unfortunately. It breaks my heart but I'm really to the point of being done as well. It's not my fault and I can't help him. I've tried. It's hard to watch your siblings struggle.