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7 months now with no step daughter visit

Mamabearof3's picture

I have reached out. Let kids draw picture and write her letters twice. No response to me or them. Gifts letters and such in mail even. No reply. Husband and I text happy birthday and we loved her. She said thanks love you too to him no reply to me. I’m glad it’s less drama and no headlice but even my husband has said he doesn’t really have a bond with her like I do so he doesn’t have much to miss when I mention missing her. First couple months were a stress relief but now it just sucks. I hate the drama and the alienation and the lies she’s always hearing about me especially. My husband and I filed out lifestorys with genealogy information on ancestry for the kids. Printed and sending her copies soon. Idk if I should send a copy of mine to her or not? Her friend that wanted to come over even when SD wasn’t here. Well she came forward to me and my husband about some abuse she’s been dealing with and CPS has barely done anything but a safety plan. We allowed her to report to the police her allegations against her mom and step dad because the nature of the abuse accusations was very illegal and sick. I hate seeing kids live in crappy situations and not being able to help them. I do my best and it’s exhausting and heartbreaking. 


JRI's picture

You sound lime a caring person who wants a warm relationship with your SD.  She sounds like she is on another path.  Who knows what's going thru her head.  Reach out once in awhile but dont persue her.  Maybe she will respond, maybe not.  Turn your love and attention to the other dear ones in your life who respond to your love.  Good luck.

Mamabearof3's picture

I do want a nice family relationship. I know she isn’t supposed to like me because her mom would be upset and I guess I’m wondering if this will last forever. We thought she’d come around soon as she’s 18 but now after all the research on alienation I know that’s often not the case with these kids. I have been practicing not being too involved or focused. Just been getting to me lately. 

WwCorgi7's picture

I agree with EnlightenedLady. I have a similar alienation situation going on it will be 1 year next month since we have seen SD. She cut off complete contact and I mean absolutely nothing. Court says keep paying cs and try to get her but they can't force her to go or speak to DH. Police will not get involved. There is nothing left to do. It was an awful situation at first.

It was extremely hard on DH and he still has his days. Luckily he is slowly moving on. While I agree the no lice and zero drama aspect has been nice it was hard for awhile on the rest of the family.

This isn't your fault. It is what it is and more than likely it is all BM. Just focus in your life, family, DH and move forward. That's what I have done and my DH is slowly following suit. Chasing them seems to make things worse. Life is too short to worry about someone who wants nothing to do with you.

Mamabearof3's picture

Thank you. And I’m so sorry for what you’re dealing with. It sucks. But it’s ingrained in them. They have to pick a side. And it’s easier to pick mom usually. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

When experiencing child's alienation it is no different than experiencing any other form of grief or loss.

Allow yourself to go through the emotional stages it takes time. Go to counseling to work through your feelings if you need to. 


Mamabearof3's picture

Counseling would be nice. Idk if we can afford it right now but I should do a Bible study or a grief book etc. It really does feel painful though. Thank you. 

futurobrillante99's picture

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Treat her like a cat. A cat will get annoyed the more you want to love on it and show it attention. Put your focus elsewhere and they eventually get curious and will come back around,. But don't show them too much attention. If you dole out your attention very sparingly, you can often maintain their interest a bit longer.

So sayeth a lover of cats.

Mamabearof3's picture

I am pulling back some. Not doing another long trip or headlice treatment or hosting her friends driving all over to get them and pay for them to do stuff. That may be part the issue but yes her dad unfortunately isn’t as pushy as me. And she’s always clinged to me so it was easy to do everything for her. I’m being less hands on for sure. I guess I could just not reach out at all. So unlike me though! Way more of a dog person lol 

tog redux's picture

My SS was alienated for over 3 years. I did not reach out to him, DH did, though - every month or so he'd send an email or text, just brief.  He rarely got a response, or he got nastiness back from SS. But he kept it up, did the grieving and we moved on - and thrived. It got really nice not to deal with BM or SS anymore. I know DH missed him but he didn't miss the drama.

Let her go. If you reach out to her, do it infrequently and be light-hearted. Let DH take the lead on contacting her, it's his daughter.

Mamabearof3's picture

I’m sorry your DH doesn’t get to see his son. I’m glad he dealt with it though. I know mine avoids and ignores and will blow up in another few months probably. I guess I’ll communicate to husband more about my expectations if she does reach out or he decides to because I won’t again. He will be happier if I’m happier though so I’ll focus on that. 

tog redux's picture

He does see him now - he resumed contact around 3 years ago, when BM wanted college tuition ordered and DH brought up the alienation. They talk regularly now.

Mamabearof3's picture

Wow. That’s so disgusting. I hope her son doesn’t have too much lasting psychological damage from that. That’s good he gets to see him. I know to me it seems kids need their custodial parents permission to love their other parent(s) even in adulthood.