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Needs advice please on issue - SD 14

magiclassie's picture

I need advice on a situation that has presented it's self in my family and it is not going away.
SD 14 wants her own room (her BM started the idea)as we apparantly have a "huge" house.
and her dad my fiance feels really strongly about it and is not willing to comprimise.
we have been a family unit for 3 years.
SD 14 is a great child don't get me wrong - very quiet and can be a little manipulative but overall I can't complain. Her BM and SD14 though still tend to control my fiance. I have managed to stamp out a few bad habits... though they still control him.. but he can't see it..

The issue is SD14 originally shared a bed in the room with my BD (birth daughter) 6 - she was 10 at the time.. This wasn't good enough... and she didn't want to share... and made a big deal about it... she wouldn't even sleep on the spare bed in BD 6 room when we got home late one night and BD 6 wasn't even there - she cired and my fiance had to make up the sofa bed.....
Her BM started the idea as we have a 4 bedroom place and SD14 should have her own the rooms are not so free as BM thinks as one is filled with a room as a very busy office and last bedroom has a bed but mostly storage for items that really need to be sold, a lot of items.... being a fulltime working parent 6 days a week.. time is a little stretched to have sorted it all out. (plus as most of items are baby items and one of our long term goal is to have a baby - what is the point in selling them)
My parents have come to stay more recently so I have cleared the bed in the spare room for them. Which has represented the issue that SD14 should have this room.

Planning to marry my fiance and have children with my fiance - I have put accross the point that if we clear out the spare room move BD 6 to the room as her room would be better for any more children. If we give that room (previously BD 6's) to SD14 when we decide to have a child SD14 will not only have to accept a new sibling but "her room" being taken from her. Do you really want to take a room away from a 15 year old girl?? I don't

so for SD14 I have bought a sofa bed in the games room which we make up for when she comes to stay... It is her own bed in a room to herself... I have also cleared space in a storage unit in the room for her things.. SD14 rarely visits - it is for 2 nights every 3 weeks.. then she often stays one of those nights at my fiance's mothers place - so it really narrows it down to 1 night.

My fiance's issue is SD14 wants privacy and space to herself.. I clearly stated that if SD14 wanted privacy - and space from BD 6 she would not shower while BD 6 is in the bath after I told her to wait until BD 6 is out of the bath...
SD 14 has space from SD 6 as she is more than able to lock herself in the games room with out BD 6.

BD 6 isn't even at home sometimes with SD14 visits.

My issues is SD14 visits every 3-5 weeks.... for only 2 nights.. (1 night if she stays 1 at grans) her choice and my fiances bad organisation.. That doesn't warrant to have a room on standby for a child that is rarely at home.. she stays with us and doesn't live with us.

What is the point of having SD14 visit if she just wants to lock herself away in a room... and you give her that option by giving her - her own room.

behind closed doors I wouldn't trust SD14 with BD 6 also - as nice as she can be to ones face, she can be even more heartless behind a closed door - from a previous issue dealt with.

I organise activities with both girls and we have fun together - I really aim to make her feel part of the family - things only happen though if I organise them. As it is she only sleeps and plays a little with BD6 in the games room - apart from that we are always doing things together.

The only solution I have is as the games room is big enough I can put in a bunk bed style desk combo unit thing for her.. in the corner so it is always there for her... her bed and somewhere for her things... The point is she already has this though as well. a bed in a room by herself.

perhaps I can go back to organising visits and activities as I have left that in his hands and it has gone from every second weekend for 2 nights to every 3-5 weeks. and no activities when she visits.

He is quiet a disney dad to SD14 and gives her everything she wants. In my terms "a yes dad" never says no and I mean never.... and the more I read more stories of what other families are going through the more I have picked up on and noticed all the other little things... eg not listerning to me when I said to shower after BD 6 was out the bath.. asked BD 6 to eat at the table with knife and fork, SD14 then ate with hands like an animal. ( seriously knawed at the meat just like an animal)

My parents have come to stay more often and have stayed in our spare room - they have stayed more with us in the past 6 months than SD14. They are an older couple and I believe deserve a decent bed.

If we give the room to SD14 I want to know when it will stop... I just know the events that will follow....
she will want her own TV, stero.. the list will go on... and on.. she has a room at her BM place and the whole weeks to herself (she is an only child)
SD14 will cry and make a big deal about it when my parents come to stay on the same weekend and my older parents will have to sleep on the sofa bed...
She won't want to contribute in the family as she will just lock herself away in the room..

doesn't help as BM is stating that SD14 won't come to visit anymore. My fiance is frightened of that - and they always threaten him with this as this is the only thing they have left to control him with.

I know that it is not the issue - SD14 having her own room - she just wants more attention.... I believe that he has finally got this point... but from the past 4 days of fighting over SD14 having her own room he is not willing to budge. I have had enough and are now starting to question the whole relationship.

or am I just being a selfish?

any advice would be greatly appreciated - Thank you


dodgegal05's picture

I dont have experience with this issue, but i can see your point. She doesnt need her own "bedroom" unless she lives there atleast half of the year. it seems like guilty dad syndrome to me.
devils advocate; when are you planning kids? if you are planning in the next year i can see holding the room, if you are thinking longer than that saving a room might not be the best use. maybe turn one into a full guest room, and one for storage/office. she can use the guest room whiles shes there.
I can see why you would want to hold the room though, by making a room for her and eliminating the future "baby room" he is valuing his children with his ex over kids he could have with you.

MamaBecky's picture

I have SD14 and SD6 also. We had a two bedroom home. DH and I had our room and the 2nd room was for the girls. They are here every other weekend (4 nights a month) plus additional time as we schedule it. In the summer more ( SD6 10 nights a month) plus additional as we schedule it. Having two girls in the same room with such a gap in age was a pain. SD6 is very much still into toys and they are scattered all over the room, stuffed animals everywhere. We tried to split it down the middle so each girl could have there own side but because of all of the toys, coloring books, stuffed animals etc belonging to SD6 she took over. My poor SD14 felt that she lived in her SD6's room and never had a space of her own while SD6 had a whole room. It was not fair. I threw a fit and told DH that we had to move to a 3 bedroom because it really wasn't fair to SD14. She is a growing young women and she is stuck in what must have felt to her like a nursery. She needs a place that she can study, read, relax and talk on the phone to her friends (a teen's favorite and a place that when her friends come over they can be and not have to have SD6 right in there business. 6 year olds have no business in every teen conversation you know...all that talk about boys and what not. So...after a few months of persistence we moved into a 3 bedroom. Each girl has there own room and it is WONDERFUL! SD6's room is a toy haven (as it should be for a child of her age) but SD14 has a very simple space (and very small...but its a room and she has been able to put her stamp on it!) it is just her own where she can have some privacy that a teenage girl needs and she can feel like she is more significant to us then just a visitor because she is our child so she most certainly is significant. I dont regret making it happen.

Rags's picture

My younger brother and I shared a room until I was 15. He is 6yrs younger than I am.

When we lived in a smaller home the 3rd bedroom was used as a guest room. If I had friends for a weekend sleepover visit, we used the guest room and my brother got our room....if he was not in the guest room with us. He was kind of our mascot at that age.

For a Skid on visitation who only spends a few nights a month I would not go to the expense or inconvenience of setting up a dedicated room for that Skid. If you have a guest room set up, the Skid can use that room unless there are actual guests there when the Skid visits. In which case an Aero bed on the floor in any room with enough space is what the Skid gets.

When we lived in a small 2 or 3br apt when we had guests they got our son's room and he got an Aero bed on the floor in the study or on the floor in our large walk in closet. He never complained.

When my brother, SIL and their three came to visit we put all four of the kids on the floor in the study and my brother and SIL got the Skids room.

Again, no big deal.

IMHO you have two issues.

1) A demanding and snarky kid who needs to understand very clearly that you and DH are the authority in your home.

2) And far more grievous, a BM who thinks she even gets an opinion on anything that goes on in your home. She gets no opinion on anything, particularly on how you utilize the rooms in your home.

I would start planting some bugs in SD-14's ear that her BM needs to buy her a car, re-model her room, buy her a new top of the line Apple computer, etc.....

Transfer some of the crap back in BM's direction.

If you happened to have more bedrooms then fine, give the SKid her own room. But under your current housing situation, give her a day bed in the game room.


magiclassie's picture

Thanks for the advice on planting some bugs.... this is what I needed to hear at this stage as a few things have happened over just the past few days... that yes the BM - needs to get a bit of her own back Smile

Most Evil's picture

Yes, too bad a child and BM should not get a vote in your house!! I think this is purely to stir up trouble. No way would I put my parents on a sofa bed so the teen can sleep in a bed!!!!!

I would tell DH, maybe you should get us a bigger house if that is what you want. She has a bed, she has a door so she can have privacy, that is plenty.

giveitago's picture

To hell with disrupting the whole house to accommodate just one entitled brat! Ohh no! The game room will do her just nicely for the short time she's there.
As soon as our girl leaves home that room is going to become the guest room, we are going to plumb in a half bathroom (since we already have the bathroom on the way to being remodelled we can utilise the 'old' one) and we are going to put plumbing and a bathroom in the out building too.
Our girl SD lives with us, even though she's not home at the moment.
When my siblings and I were kids visiting adults got OUR beds and we slept on the floor! NO CHOICES!
I will not keep rooms as a 'shrine' to anyone! We have four bedrooms upstairs and one downstairs and they are all occupied...OUR room, one with ju...ermmm I mean as with SD's belongings and one has a friend of SS staying for a while. SS moved out! SD will be back in January...if she can behave herself. Elder SS has the suite of rooms downstairs, he was disabled after a car wreck and was on crutches for three years. Once he moves out, and he will, that room might become guest room, it has it's own front and back doors. shrines...if they 'visit' then they are a guest!

FrustratedAng's picture

We have a 3 bedroom house and its just me and DH except EOW. He has two kids, SS10 & SD16. One bedroom is ours obviously, one bedroom is our storage/random crap room, and one bedroom is for SS10. SD16 sleeps on the couch in the living room. If we were to have a child ourselves the baby would get SS10's room. DH and I both agree that it is our home and we will use it and decorate it the way we want to. It is not his kids home, they only visit EOW. As long as they have a place to sleep, i.e. couch or even blow up mattress on the floor, that is all they need in our home. They have their own home and their own rooms.

Jsmom's picture

Wow...nothing like making a child feel unwanted. Your crap takes more precedence than your step kid does. You are lucky the kid comes over at all.

FrustratedAng's picture

You guys make a great point. We should go out and buy a new bedroom set and decorate both rooms to the specific taste of each kid even though they are only with us for 2 nights a month. And we'll just throw out all our stuff or rent a storage unit for it. Good thing we have money flying out our asses to pay for that... Wait, nope, we don't.
My husband pays a lot of child support to ensure that BM is able to provide a good life for those kids. They have their own rooms at their own house full of their own crap. They are only visitors at our home. If they decided to stop coming over because of not having a room, then so be it. They are taken care of, just not catered to.

Disneyfan's picture

Allowing your kids to sleep in an extra bedroom isn't catering to them.

Building a room just for them or purchasing a larger house so they can have a room would be catering to them.

FrustratedAng's picture

Katrinkie, that does suck. I'd be bitter about that too. Especially since I'm guessing you had to help fund that addition, and most likely have to clean it too.

Disneyfan, may I point out to you that I said SD sleeps on a couch in the living room. She does not sleep outside on a wooden crate. She is not being tortured or neglected. But I agree to disagree with you, we run our households differently.

Jsmom's picture

Sorry but I agree with BM. She should have her own room...You have the room and you are telling her she is not valuable enough to you to have a room. Suck it up and clean out the guest room for her. It can still be a guest room when she is not there. If you do not give her her privacy she will eventually get fed up and not come at all anymore. All of our kids have their own room. Would I love another guest bedroom, yes! But they live here too and should have their own space. You are wrong on this one.

Elizabeth's picture

I essentially said the same thing you said above on her other post on the same subject. The room exists, it's not that much effort to allow the child to use it the one or two days a month she is there.

Disneyfan's picture

The OP's parents don't live there. They are just visiting, yet they get a room.

The SD and grandparents can use the same room since they aren't there at the same time.

I can understand having a kid make do when there isn't enough space in the house. However, that is not the case here, there are 2 extra rooms.

What harm does it do to allow her to use one of the rooms when she's there?

Jsmom's picture

It is a guest room. They are empty 90% of the time. Why shouldn't she be able to use an empty room that is just being used for storage? I am sure it is cleaned out for the IN-Laws. Why not clean it out for DH's child. This is so unfair...

Jsmom's picture

Honestly, this is just mean. It is not her fault that she doesn't live there more often. Why penalize her? I wouldn't come if you made me sleep on the couch. This is honestly what gives SM's a bad rep. You have the room to do this. It is not like you are living in a 2 bedroom apartment. Do the right thing and give her use of the guest bedroom. Clean it up and clean it out so she has a nice room to stay in. Just donate the stuff to charity, get the tax write off. Stop waiting to sell the stuff, it will never happen.

She is a teenager and they need privacy. It is only fair. I rarely side with Disneyfan on anything and she and Elizabeth are right on this one. BM is as well. If I was BM and you didn't have a decent place for my kid to sleep, I wouldn't be sending her. Maybe that is what you want?

Jsmom's picture

I can not believe that this is even a discussion. This child is only asking for a room to sleep in. Not out amongst everyone. She needs privacy she is a teenage girl. THey have the room. They can clean it up, make it a decent guest room, which she admitted she does for her parents when they visit. Just not for the child. I would not come for anything if I didn't have a room. This is unreal that you are all defending this decision. If they did not have the room it would be fine, this is not fine...

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

Frustratedang.... Are u serious??! They do live with you. EOW. You have the 10yr old boy in a room but not the 16yr old girl bc you have a room full of storage??

Magic- Guess what my house is too small for us as well. My room has all the storage in it and my DD3 and SS11 hAve their own rooms. I just cannot believe you have room for these KIDS but you refuse to let them use it. You parents are visitors and so is any guest that comes over but the guests get a room in your home but not your husbands child?? You would never allow ppl to treat your 6yr old like this would you?? You refuse to give her the room also bc your husband and u want a baby at some point... Are you serious? Then make your BD and your DC (whenever u actually have it) share a room and give SD a room of her own. You said your BD isn't there hardly when SD is.. where does your daughter go and for how long? I bet your kid isn't considered a visitor in your home. Nope just your husband's kids.

Jsmom's picture

This is starting to sound like how hoarders get started...Stuff is more important than children...

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

You know I have a 1yr old too. Her cribs in my room so SS can have a room and my DD3 can have a room. It won't work forever but for now it will. And if I was going to change it my daughters would share a room. I wouldn't give my little kids their own and put SS on the couch just bc he's only here on W/E. That's unfair. I would never cater to my kids over DHs kid. And I can't stand the kid but I love my husband and my babies and if they care for SS then so will I. Either way what you are doing is unfair. Anyone who agrees with what she's doing... I mean come on this is why SM's get a bad rap.

poisonivy's picture

Can SD use the guest room when your parents are not there since she is not there that often either?

cant win for losin's picture

Its a guest room. Right? Isnt she a guest too? I think the real issue is maybe being afraid that SD will put her "stamp" on it, meaning her stuff will be in there. Hmm, but honestly how much "stuff" can one have when she supposedly is there one to two nites a month? I would imagine at her age, and the little time she is there she probably brings all her things?
Maybe let the SD, who is also a guest have the guest room with the stipulation that she sleeps back in the game room if there are other guests there that nite.
The kid just wants to feel some privacy in a place she visits. And she is 14, a few more years she probably wont come at all cuz she will be too busy.

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

I wouldn't come over at all if I were her. She has to share a room with her 6yr old SS bc SM is have a baby some day and doesn't want to give her the room & bc SM's parents visit at times therefore SD can't have a room. Who cares if SD puts her stamp on the room. It's full of storage anyways. All this is is a bunch of excuses for her husbands daughter being treated like she pretty much doesn't even exist. It's too bad her own dad doesn't stand up and say sorry put potential guests or a possible baby in the future does not have priority over my daughter that is here now. Smh this whole thing is terrible.

twopines's picture

>>>I am going out this weekend I think to MAKE SURE I fully populate our downstairs room sans bed where Smelly stayed. I hope this is true because I do not ever want her staying there ever again!<<<

Yes, this.

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

I'm sorry if I came off harsh to you. It wasn't even so much your post that bothered me it was the lady that puts her 16yr old SD on the couch bc she has a room full of storage. I re-read your post and realise while I think my previous posts are right and she should have a room, I am sorry for kinda bashing you. I took out my being upset at other ppls comments on you. Please just consider how she feels and your fiance. If you give her the guestroom just make sure she understands when someone else visits she has to sleep on the sofa bed bc it is the respectful thing to do for a guest whom is your elder. Again I'm sorry for coming off like I was in bashing mode.

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

Maux you are hilarious. Idk you but Aww you always brighten my day. Smelly. Lol.

forestfairy's picture

I think the kid should get her own room. From her point of view...1)a room for an office is more important than her, 2) A room for your parent's occasional visit/junk is more important than her, 3) A room for games is more important than her.

You have three rooms filled with stuff and she can't have one. You have inadvertantly told her she is less important and doesn't deserve a room. I wouldn't want to come over there either. A teenager needs her own space, even if she spends most of her time in her what? That's what teenagers do.

Can't you combine the office and game room? Or get rid of the game room? Or just not have a guest room? Most families don't have a guest room and do just fine.

If the situation was you just didn't have the bedrooms, then I would feel differently. But you have plenty of bedrooms. If you have a baby, it will probably stay with you at first anyway. That could be several years down the road. She is a member of your family and should get a bedroom like every other member of your family (even members not even born yet).

magiclassie's picture

JUST TO UPDATE YOU ALL - Firstly I want to thank you all for your advice..

BUT OMG - after I have read some of the comments - I am absolutley shocked!!!!
It is hard to put the whole story into one lot of words.. there are often little bits that can be missed out that can abviously make a world of different. Not to mention the way that one who is ready can interpretate the words........

Any way this is how it panned out........

I sat down with SD14 and had a discussion with her of the plan of giving her, some of her own space. I explained clearly that the rooms are going to be changing in the future and all the rooms need to be painted etc. The best solution that we (dad & I) have come up with is that we can give her a loft bed in the games room a bed that is up high but with a desk and chair and some cupboard space for a few of her things. This is her space.... It will be in the games room - but it is her space.

We will firslty have to save some money, so we need her to be patience, we understand that it is important and we are planning a trip to pick out a bed and dooner cover and sheet set and even a nice print for the wall along with a cupboard or two. and somewhere for the suitcase. A real positive experience. This has been great as I have been able to get a few things for xmas for her new space. Twighlight bed cover, desk chair, etc.

The response from SD14 has been remarkable. She has been texting me and calling me and for the first time has communicated with us that she can not wait to come down... a response that I never thought I would of gotten. And we don't even have the bed yet!!!

Thank you all for your advice and I do hope this can help some one else...
It just proves that you don't have to give a lot to solve a solution.

I have something else to add that was a bit of a shock - we are expecting our first baby - a little earlier than planned - but we are excited and we know that both the girls are excited. I am so glad that we didn't give SD14 the room as we would of had to of taken it away already. I am so glad that I was able to convince my partner that the space was the best solution.

My ownly problem now I have to over come is my partner is a bit of a "disney dad" and the ex is well aware of this and keeps asking for things... and my point of view is that is what we pay child support for... we already have to drive 8 hrs a weekend when we have SD14 and she only drives 1-2... My aim is to change that by the time the baby comes - wish me luck

One more thing that I would like to mention is that by being a disney dad had SD14 got the room it would of been her room and I would of lost every arguement onwards.... she would get everything that she would of wanted.. He can't say no... he says YES to everything.. I am so glad that I was able to get him to see another point of view. This issue has really helped me show him another approach.. that you can say yes with out having to say YES!!!

Everyone's situation is different and some people may need to take a step back before they comment - I am shocked about how harsh some of you are... maybe find out the facts rather than assuming.. there could be some important things that you are not taking into consideration.
Thanks for the advice... Smile