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An honest post about my feelings

MaddieH's picture

There are not many places I can talk about this. And I certainly can't admit this in real life. Someone asked on my previous blog post if I'm jealous of my partners son. I can't help but wonder if there's an element of truth in there. Perhaps I'm not necessarily jealous of the child, but jealous and resentful of the situation which sounds utterly bizarre I know. The child's mum is someone I used to be really good friends with. I hate how things turned out between us. I know we'll never be the best of friends again, but does there really need to be so much animosity. We were great friends until a few weeks after my partner and I got together. I even asked her if she was okay with me going out with her ex and she said yes. Maybe she was just being polite, I don't know. But whether it was right or wrong of me to get with him in the first place, I can't pretend I don't love him now and it'd be an easy situation to get out of. Wrt the child, I always thought I'd have children young. When I was a teenager, my (now ex) partner and I were living together and trying for a baby. Every month my period came and it was absolutely awful. I couldn't see it at the time but my partner was actually really abusive. So in hindsight, I can see how it would've been a ridiculously stupid idea to get pregnant and I'm actually really blessed it didn't happen. Just after we broke up, my friend gave birth. I know this is soo wrong, but part of me feels like that should've been me and my partner. Pathetic right? Even though I can see it's a bad situation to be in, having to give up your child every other weekend, struggling to make ends meet, part of me I think is jealous. I thought I'd be the one tucking my child into bed every night, looking after them, enjoying cuddles, dealing with sleepless nights, tantrums. But I wouldn't care about the negative things because it'd be my child. Perhaps I find it difficult then as he's not my child, he never will be. He'll never love me as much as he loves her or his daddy. Whenever we go anywhere with people around and my partner leaves the room, the child goes mad saying he wants his daddy. And I hate that. It makes me think why should I bother trying if he's just going to throw it back in my face, want nothing to do with me when daddy isn't around. I know my situation could be so much worse, he's not doing anything majorly wrong, but I can't help the way I feel. I wish I could sort out these feelings, figure out if I can work them out or if I'm better off leaving Sad


Cocoa's picture

your feelings are normal. women don't dream of a step situation, they dream about intact family life. the problem is that step situations is a whole 'nother animal and the two cannot be reconciled. somehow we as step mothers need to push past all the dreams and face the realities of the situation, then move forward with the adjusted expectations. sometimes, it's not possible and the only thing that will satisfied is a truly intact family situation. unfortunately, we don't know this until AFTER we're already up to our eyebrows in a situation that we're not cut out to be in (NO, we DIDN'T know what we were getting into). honey, only you can determine if you are able to reconcile the dreams you have with the realities. take the step situation out of it completely. look at your partner. does he place you first in his life? open to your influence? do you feel his love for you? does he value you? honey, if the answer is yes, this is the most you can ask for whether in a step situation or not. if your answers are no, you would have problems with a man like that, step or not. if you have a true bond of a real marriage/commitment then nothing will shake that.

herewegoagain's picture

wow…hmmm…I understand how you feel to a certain extent, but this didn't start off well. I had a friend who started out in a similar situation as yours and I'm not sure I still get it. I know many feel we can't help who we fall in love with, but I don't necessarily agree with that statement. I think you need to really take a good look at your relationship/circumstances and see if you feel this is all worth it. As the kids get older, I can't imagine that they won't wonder what happened and that things will actually get worse, not better…and that without adding into it all the other skid/BM crap most of us have to deal with. Good luck.

fedupstep's picture

All normal feelings MaddieH. Nobody choices this life. Being able to admit it is the first step into finding a way to deal with it. Some of us are lucky and can talk to our SO about how we are feeling, some have friends or family and some come here. Hopefully you can take comfort in the fact that you are not alone! Smile