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O/T but update to previous blog Cheating Spouses-LONG post Sorry :(

luckykitten's picture

First off I would like to thank each and every one of you who took the time to respond back to my initial post at the beginning of this month. Your advice did not go unheeded, and it was nice to feel like I had support behind my words...

The first few nights were bad. I gave my husband time during the day to talk to me, and if he refused I went and stayed somewhere else. This pissed him off to no end, and only escalated the yelling at me. So, I moved to the sofa. He yelled, a lot. I stuck to my guns and told him that I would not place myself in a vulnerable position until he was ready to apologize to me for having the affair, and helped me work on the marriage.
We had many, many fights over the last couple of weeks. He accused me of being over-sensitive, not able to "let go" of the hurt I was feeling. To be honest it was pretty bad, and I was feeling pretty crappy. He yelled at me long enough, that I was starting to feel like maybe I was that terrible for holding on to my convictions that at min I deserved an apology. This last monday he finally wrote me a letter apologizing for the affair. He said the reason he was so angry was because he was ashamed and embarrassed about his actions. He also apologized for acting like a jerk. It sucks because his answer to show me how "committed" to me he is, was to say hey honey let me buy you a new car. That pisses me off. I am not a prostitute. I will not accept gratuities in return for my silence.
I told him that if he was sincere and really wanted to work on our marriage, then I would try on my end as well. I made it clear I expected him to give me access to his FB (since that was one avenue he used to cheat) and to give me access to his phone. The first night after the apology he promised he would.... Fast forward to this weekend, He still hasn't changed his FB password, and still is hiding his phone. I blew up. I told him that if he really wanted to be working on this, he would be helping me clean up the mess he made. He yelled, and yelled, and yelled.... I finally told him that he was no better than anyone else in my life, expecting me to just smile and nod... meanwhile I can't talk about what I really am thinking. He finally exploded and said that's because "you're a F____ing doormat!" Wow. I finally now have insight as to why he had an affair in the first place. He does not respect me.

So, I wrote him a letter since talking to him only leaves me being berated for hours. I told him that I was going to start doing what I want to do, Start going out and trying to make friends once again. I told him for the last 6 years my life has revolved around caring for him and my sd. I previously balanced 2 full time jobs and 2 part-time jobs to support us all while he couldn't find work. I became so involved in making sure my family was in a good place, I let all my friends go to the wayside and no longer have many to talk to. I told him that until he is willing to act like a man who is fighting for his marriage, I will no longer act in the full fashion of his wife. He needs to show me he is just as committed as I am...
I also told him that I was a sorry piece of work, because it was pretty pathetic that this affair happened because of him, but for the last few weeks he yelled at me long enough, hard enough, that after his apology he had me working my butt off for him. Everytime he screamed at me, I would try and make him happy by rubbing his back, cooking him fancy dinners, running his baths, etc. I told him no wonder he thinks he can walk all over me and treat me like crud. Because all he has to do is give me a little.... Then yell at me some more and I cowering to meet his needs. I guess to be honest I wouldn't respect me either. I told him I would own up to my faults and try to better myself, but he had to do the same.

Yesterday I had to drive him to work... guess who accidently left his phone in the truck! I did what he accused me of doing. Snooping at the first chance. I am ashamed of this, but darn it he wasn't giving me answers so I looked for them on my own. He had over 3000 messages in his archive from the girl he cheated on me with (and for those of you who did not catch it in my previous blog, yes she knew he was married. I had met her a few times prior to the affair starting. We have mutual friends, they all heard me spouting off how much I loved the man, how fabulous he was,etc... She also mentioned how stupid I was that as his wife I said mushy things on his FB wall, and how patheticly head over heels I was for him!). It took me over 2 hours to read them all. What I found out did make me feel a little better. She really came across as psycho. There were hundreds of messages dating back to december about how she was going to kill herself. That she was writing her suicide note, that he better be ready to go to her funeral. All because he didn't want to be friends with her after their affair ended. She sent dozens of texts about how she was hospitalized with anxiety because she was scared to lose him, that she broke a few ribs puking over the idea of him leaving her. Then it would flip flop back to the I'm going to really do it this time if you don't text me back. My husband was a patsy and always text her saying she had problems bigger than him and she needed professional help. He asked her several times to seek counseling. She actually asked him to go with her!!! She called me a bitch several times, and my husband told her to knock it off, she was out of line to call me names. She also said I was a stalker because I was upset about her texting my husband!!!!!! Anyways, I'm slightly weirded out and not sure as to his motives, but after the affair ended he also text her about dates him and I were on. I don't know if he was trying to cement in her head he was re-committing to me, or if he was trying to play it off like it was no big deal. Either way, I was comforted that there were no romantic texts. It was purely sex, and then she was fighting to hold on to him by any means necessary. Her final text to him was telling him that she was going to kill herself. She had the bottle of pills ready, that I called her an evil, vile woman and karma would would day find her. She wanted him to tell me to feel relief that karma was coming in the form of her suicide. That this time, it will be my fault when she follows through with it!

I am not proud I snooped, It actually makes me feel like I betrayed my husband. Even worse, I did not tell him I did so, and do not know if I plan on it. I am ashamed, but in another sense I feel like it was my right to get answers in any means necessary. I do not like lying by omission, but in this case it actually worked in his favor. The texts spelled out an affair that he was ultimately uncomfortable with, and tried to walk away from. He was in WAY over his head and there was no mention of romance on his end. No words of affection. He did not allow her to call me names to him, and he tried for several months to get her to stop contacting him. It also clued me in to her mental instability.

So.. In conclusion, This is still a work in progress. I haven't heard anything about the letter I wrote to him last night. I am going to try like hell to stand my ground and find my spine. I do not want to continue to be his doormat. I want him to respect me once again. As convoluted as it may sound, I think that by going toe to toe with him in this situation, maybe I can earn it back degrees at a time. I am hoping to build myself a support system, to hold firm to making my husband step up his game. I still love him. The hurts he caused me has not changed that, but I want my self-respect back. I told him I want to be happy, I want him to be happy, and I want my SD to be happy. Hopefully we can get there as a family, but if he isn't willing to work on it then I will only work on me. His choice.

Once again, thank you to everyone who posted on my first blog. Your words did not go unheeded, and I am trying. Thank you for supporting me when I had no where else to turn!

Comments

Jsmom's picture

You did nothing wrong snooping. He should have turned the phone over to you. He is the one that made the mistake and an affair is unexcusable. You need to seek therapy for yourself....Never apologize for protecting yourself. That is all you did. The enemy you know is better than the one you don't know....

imjustthemaid's picture

I definitely would have snooped!! You did nothing wrong. I would be so devastated if DH cheated on me. I give you credit for trying to forgive him and move on. I don't think I would be able to do that.

This girl definitely sounds like a wackadoo!! I would have felt better after reading those texts too.

I think you need to start doing less for everyone else and more for you. If my DH called me a doormat I would definitely try to make some new friends or get my old ones back and not be as available for him. I wouldn't cook, clean, do his laundry. He needs to appreciate you especially for the fact that you are even still there.

I feel so bad for you having to go thru this. You deserve so much better than someone that cheats on you. It just shows a total lack of respect.

True mom's picture

I agree with everything Jsmom said! You definitely did nothing wrong, and it was probably divine intervention that the phone was left behind Wink

DaizyDuke's picture

Wow! I guess my biggest question is why did he have all of these messages archived? Why did he not delete them. That in itself would bother me that he was holding on to them for some nostalgic value??

and girl you need not be the one feeling guilty here for snooping! He has in effect lost his right to privacy by betraying you.

luckykitten's picture

Thank you for helping me feel a bit better about doing something devious. To answer the last question, I kind of think he saved them just in case she did do something rash. She kept saying she was blaming him for her suicide attempts. I think he wanted a trail of how psycho she really was in case she followed through. The last text he sent her was that she had to deal with her suicidal thoughts with someone else. He text her saying if she messaged him or his wife again, he would get a no contact order.

imjustthemaid's picture

Well at least by you reading these text messages you know he doesn't want anything more to do with her. Its one thing for him to tell you that but its another for you to be able to see it for yourself. I would feel a little better. I hope he learned his lesson and does not do this again to you!!

DaizyDuke's picture

He text her saying if she messaged him or his wife again, he would get a no contact order.

Ok this makes sense then, when will men ever learn that they will almost ALWAYS get busted doing this crap and that any woman who has no problem sleeping with a married man is almost ALWAYS a wackadoodie?

luckykitten's picture

Whackadoodle. Lol. Sounds like my kind of word. Better than what I have been calling her. Childish, immature, and rude, I've been referring to her as skillet face. Lol. Name calling isn't really something I usually revert to, but it has helped me find some humor....

luckykitten's picture

Thanks ms. Maid. I hope so too. It would be so darn easier if I could work up the anger. But heck, I honestly love my husband. I want to be able to trust him again. It's all been such a mess. I did tell him I was flabbergasted as to why he wasn't the least bit appreciative how rational and mature I was attempting to handle the affair. In one of my blow outs, I actually told him that he should be kissing my butt I didn't file papers the Monday after I found out. Needless to say that didn't fly over so well. Lol.

I told him if the roles were reversed I would be moving heaven and earth to do whatever I could to show him I was sorry.

As for snooping, yes it did help, but it's so against my nature to be a jerk, that It's hard not to feel like a really bad person for lying to him. It put a lot of fears to rest, but it made me feel crummy. Oh well, it's a cross I'll have to bear. I really don't want to admit to him I was that weak I gobbled up the first chance to spy on him.

stormabruin's picture

I'm still stuck back at the part where she was talking about YOU being stupid & pathetic, & then it's followed up with her threats of suicide & breaking ribs in puking over the idea of losing him.

She sounds crazy, & I'm glad your husband's affair was with a whackjob. That kind of crazy & fear should be enough to make him think twice before doing it again.

I guess you left the messages in his phone? I would have deleted them. Every one of them. Then I would have deleted her contact information & anything else that was tied to her. Even when he discovered it was all gone & he knew I did it, I would DARE him to get pissed off about it. That shit is poison.

I admire your efforts & your ability to look to yourself for your happiness. It takes a lot of work & certainly isn't easy. It is a work in progress, but it sounds like you really have good grasp on being rational & taking things a step at a time to accomplish the bigger goal.

Continue to love & respect yourself. That's the only way to feel real happiness. It will come, with or without him. I hope he'll be able to humble himself enough to recognize what he stands to lose if he doesn't get his head out of his ass & make every effort to make things right.

luckykitten's picture

She really did come across as all shades of crazy. As much disgust as I hold with her homewrecking status I really do not want her to kill herself. I lost a friend to suicide and the effects on a family are devastating.

I didn't delete anything because like I said, I didn't want him to know how weak I was that I succumbed to snooping on his phone. I'm embarrassed by it. I think it shows a lack of character in myself. But, that's something I need to deal with.

Thank you for your kind words. I really do want to get my individuality back. I don't want to be his doormat anymore. I told my girl friend that whether we fix this or not, I can at least hold my head high that I tried standing up for myself. It's embarrassing my husband strayed. I have no control over his actions. But, I do control mine, and I am doing my darndest to conduct myself in a manner I can be proud of.

LizzieA's picture

The cheating aside, I am concerned about the way he talks to you. He is verbally abusive. Check Dr Irene's site on that. I once was in that trap, where I would be berated and then feel compelled to "prove" my worth. He is not acting like a loving husband. Take the focus on you pleasing him and make him crawl through crocodile poop. On his face. He should be kissing your butt right about now!!!

DeeDeeTX's picture

Your husband sounds abusive. I'm not saying he hits you, but he belittles you and makes you feel like crap, everything he does wrong is turned around on you, etc.

Google verbal abuse, it sounds to me like that is what is happening to you.

thelaststraw's picture

"The texts spelled out an affair that he was ultimately uncomfortable with, and tried to walk away from. He was in WAY over his head and there was no mention of romance on his end. No words of affection. He did not allow her to call me names to him, and he tried for several months to get her to stop contacting him."

My not-so-humble opinion is that you both are not going to work this out on your own. If he is sincere, he is going to carry guilt for what he did and rightfully so. The problem with this is that he may take it out on you.

Nothing in the text that I quoted makes what happened ok. Nothing in the text that I quoted makes this situation and his participation in it any better. Nothing against you but you sound like you are making excuses for him like it was "kinda ok". It wasn't. He went after her because he felt like he needed something. He utterly failed you and your marriage because he didn't ask you for it, whatever "it" is.

And everyone else who called you out for emailing her can pound sand. Find me someone who can be logical and rational in the heat of a situation like this and I'll show you a sociopath. Get real.

Go get counseling. And YOU don't earn respect in degrees. He needs to earn your respect because at this point he should have none.

luckykitten's picture

I may be trying to find some Ray of hope, I may be trying to find SOME thing he did right while he was having the affair. I am not trying to justify or excuse, maybe foolishly, I want to believe the man I love is not a total piece of crud. I need to have some motivation to heal from this heartache.

knucklehead's picture

Ok, I only read the first paragraph so far, and I had a friend just like this!!!
Her DH started screwing the receptionist (how cliche!) and when wifey found out.... he apologized and bought her a Lexus SUV. She was thrilled that he wanted to "work on the marriage." :jawdrop:

Makes me think of Kobe Bryant and his wife.

knucklehead's picture

I'm stunned. Seriously.

Ok, two things:

I think the bigger issue is him screaming and yelling at your. Verbal abuse is NOT ok. Trust me on this one, it will eventually go father.

I knew a couple who married young. I'm pretty sure the DH never stopped dating. He cheated on her more times than one could count and even knocked one up (she aborted it.) The DW is a devout Christian. Would NOT leave her man. She was also entirely dependent on him. They have a total of 5 kids, she's never worked, etc. She prayed. And prayed. For YEARS. They've now been married 19 years and he is as God fearing and faithful as possible. It's amazing, really. I didn't respect her. I probably still don't, simply because I think a woman should be self supporting and NOT stick around with a cheater. (That's just me.) Anyway, their lives are totally different now. God centered marriage. Faithful and madly in love.

It IS possible. I've seen it happen. I just wanted to share that with you. Smile

luckykitten's picture

Thank you for sharing your friends story. I am trying to handle this in a manner where I can still have some dignity. I haven't told more than 2 people this occurred. I want them to respect me as well. I want them to know I carried myself in a mature respectful manner.

And dear Lord, if my husband found out I told either of them, or that I was blogging about this, he would flip a cookie! I rebelled because darn it, I cannot go through this lacking support. I need somebody in my corner helping me stay strong in my demands for better than I am getting.

3familiesIn1's picture

lucky? Why exactly would he 'flip a cookie' that you told 2 friends? Why protect him, he did it, he is wrong, not you. He doesn't want to be embarrassed? Then he shouldn't have had the affair.

Lucky,
All I see in your posts is you defending him, covering for him and feeling bad. Search deep that this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.

He was wrong. He made the mistake. You are paying for it.

thelaststraw's picture

^^^^^THIS.

His only acts should be those of contrition and apology.

Remember the oft used cliche "When someone is pointing a finger at you, they are actually pointing three back at themselves." He is calling out in you that which he finds abhorrent in himself.

You deserve better. It's sad that, for good or ill, few seldom get what they deserve.

luckykitten's picture

To the comments on being emotionally abused, I honestly don't know if I am or not. Everything that is wrong on his life is somehow my fault. Two days ago he had a coughing fit, we were in the car and he was being a butthead to me. Saying a lot of rude things, I told him to knock it off, I didn't do anything wrong to deserve him being a jerk... His reply was I should of known better than to get on the car and leave. I should of warmed the car longer for him. I apologized and shut down. To which he then had fuel for his pissy mood. He claims I had an attitude and that I finally pissed him off. When he gets like that he claims he's just grumpy and needs to vent. I should no better than to take it personally.

He typically does not call me names. He just gets mad and yells. Usually it's short bursts. He does not typically hold grudges, or explode for more than 15 mins. He lashes out, and then he's done. He's ready to move on.

This is not an everyday occurance. So I don't know. I don't know if I'm ready to tackle the idea of the possibility yet.

I hope ya'll understand that I do not just let him yell at me. I do call him out and tell him he's out of line. But, I hate being yelled at, eventually emotionally I shut down AND detach until the storm passes. I come from a horribly abusive childhood, and that was how I survived. It eventually turned into a coping mechanism. My husband hates it. He feels like its me pushing him out. Sometimes I think he wishes I would just scream back at him and let it out.

forestfairy's picture

He is abusing you, plain and simple. Don't try and sugar coat it. You grew up in an abusive household and now you've chosen the same in a husband. Only you can stop it. He's treating you that way because you allow him to.

Although it's ironic, I really want to beat the crap out of your husband. Sad He does not sound like a very nice person at all.

asheeha's picture

are you considering counseling as a couple and individually?

i think your efforts to reinvent yourself are spot on. keep doing that!

forestfairy's picture

I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but it does kind of sound like you let him walk all over you. He should be kissing your butt and bending over backward to try to save your marriage, yet instead he is calling YOU names, screaming at you, treating you like crap. And then you kiss his butt and be nice to him when he treats you like garbage?

What the heck, woman? You deserve so much better than this. You've basically given him the green light to go out and do whatever he wants to you or treat you however he wants, and you'll stay and accept it.

I would feel better too knowing the affair wasn't still going on and that she's a total psycho (karma anyone?), but still, it's not about that. It's about what he's doing to earn your forgiveness and prove to you how much your marriage means to him and how hard he'll try to fix it, which so far has been NOTHING. He wrote you one letter and has been treating you like crap the rest of the time. What in the hell is HE yelling at YOU about?!?!?! He won't even give you his password info now! Are you sure you want to be in this marriage?

stormabruin's picture

"Everything that is wrong on his life is somehow my fault. "
------------------------------------------------------------
That is a clear sign that you are being emotionally abused.

An abuser will always find himself blameless but will always see himself as the victim.

He needs to stop yelling. It doesn't matter if he yells for minutes or for hours. Yelling at someone is disrespectful & belittling. He can get the same message across simply speaking to you as he can yelling at you.

People yell for power, domination, & control. Venting does not require yelling, & being grumpy is no excuse. He needs to practice some self-control & speak to you in a civil tone.

The purpose of yelling is to shut the other person down. It IS personal, & you have every right to take it so.

I left my exH because he was emotionally abusive. He never put his hands on me in anger, but he broke me. He broke my soul. Broken bones heal. Bruises disappear. But a broken spirit takes years to mend.

I did everything in my power to make his days the best I could make them so he wouldn't have reason to be upset with me. It was never enough. It wore me out. Often times it seemed the extra efforts I made backfired & ended up causing him more grief, which in turn caused me more grief.

I made his favorite dinner one night. No special reason. Just a fun surprise. He came home later than expected & it got cold & the sauce got too thick. Not only did I never hear a "thanks for thinking of me enough to make the effort", but I was blamed for allowing it to thicken too much by letting it cook too long trying to keep it warm until he got there. I was also blamed because he could no longer look at that as his favorite meal anymore ever again. It had been his favorite through all his years growing up, but because the sauce got too thick his ability to call it his favorite ever again was ruined for him for a lifetime. :sick:

Nevermind that he was late because he was hanging out in the student center discussing his flavor in porn with a group of girls in his study group.

I will tell you, I stayed for 3 years feeling like if I gave up on us I was a failure as a wife. It took me 3 years to grow my backbone & to build up enough confidence in my ability to stand on my own. One day it struck me, that it wasn't about me giving up on us. He already had. All I had to do was find the strength to let go.

You mention shutting down. I struggle with that in my marriage now. It was a learned behavior to avoid confrontation in my first marriage. It's difficult to make myself speak up sometimes, & to feel comfortable enough to disagree. It isn't because my DH doesn't allow me to. He begs me to communicate when we have differences. He speaks calmly to me. It's just what I've learned to do & it's a difficult thing to change.

Just continue to take things a step at a time. Make friends. Make contact with old friends, & decide that you will make choices that make YOU happy. Keep doing that. Stand your ground. Insist on being treated with love & respect, & if he can't function inside of those expectations, you'll find him falling along the wayside as you progress on a path with far more to offer than you can imagine.

magnummom's picture

It's very strange to me that you are as polly anna about this as you are. You are making excuses for him. He cheated and is verbally abusing you and you type it all out and still say how you want this for him and that for him, etc.

If what you wrote here is true then you need some help. Quick!

luckykitten's picture

I understand the doubts after crews fabricated story, I understand you don't know me from Jill down the street. I'm sorry that you feel that I would fabricate such a horrid story. It sucks that other posters lies had to lay seeds of doubt for my posts.

It may not have been a question, but the reason I am so calm is that I found out about this affair back at the beginning of April. I had one initial post on this site asking for advice, and was posting a follow up. I have had a few weeks to start mapping this out and start dealing with it in an analytical manner rather than an emotional one.

I may sound dismissive about the idea of him verbally abusing me, I'm not trying to discount the fact.... Merely I don't know if I'm ready to think it's a possibility. This has been my life for years, to me it is the norm. Until I blogged on this site, nobody ever said to me I think he's treating you wrongly. It is a new concept to me to think that he may be abusive.

I honestly appreciate all the advice I have been given on here. It may not always be easy to swallow, but as hard as some of them are to read, it is nice to see someone else's point of view. When I posted I accepted the fact I was allowing people to judge me, my husband, and my marriage. I do not want to be disrespectful to any of the posters as I feel it was mighty kind of them to take time out of their day to talk to me about my problem.

LizzieA's picture

kitten, I've Been There. My last husband was verbally abusive but it wasn't constant and it wasn't overt but it got worse over time. Please read the book Verbal Abuse by Patricia Evans. Many many women don't recognize it, it is often very subtle. It's not people occasionally being mad and jerks, it's a pattern of intimidation and belittling for control.

When a man responds to doing wrong by yelling at YOU instead of being nicer to you--doesn't that seem the opposite of repentance and being contrite??!!! When you respond to his unfaithfulness as though you weren't good enough---oh, honey!

I am remarried to my lovely DH and yes, it is possible to have a marriage where two people are good to each other -- all the time.

But I had to see the patterns before I could learn and realize that I did deserve better.

Here is a list of signs (there are many)
http://www.drirene.com/verbal1.php

The main one for me was--that sick feeling in your gut that you are WRONG and nothing you do will make you RIGHT - in his eyes. And not being able to communicate--you try to tell him how you feel and you get sixteen different angles coming back at you "It's your fault" "I didn't do it" "I wouldn't have done it but--"

luckykitten's picture

Guys and gals. I'm trying. Believe me. I really am trying not to be weak, pathetic, and his personal doormat. For once I am trying to stance up for myself. I finally get it that people will treat me the way I allow them to. Hence, why I am fighting like hell to stand up this time around.

It isn't easy. It is not typically in my character to stand strong. I may falter along the way, but please know I am trying to conduct myself in a way I can be proud.
Like I said I told him that I am going to try and find my individuality again. I am going to try and make friends, and I'm going to start going out to do things I want to do. I am going trying to find my voice.

I am trying to break the circle of being the perpetually nice person. The person who accepts the responsibility of everyone else. The doormat.

forestfairy's picture

Good, just remember that allowing yourself to be abused isn't "nice". Be nice to you!

stormabruin's picture

^^^Yes!