to clarify

i cant just move out because i dont own a property where i could move, and i dont have enough movey saved up to buy one. i have a job, but it's very low pay and it wouldnt be enough to rent anything. i used to rent an apartment before i married but back then the apartment would be cheaper, and it was only for 1 person. now its me and baby, and my paycheck went down twice since then. i wouldnt be able to rent a home. i have a sister that moved to germany 20 years ago and she's not talking to me or actually anyone of our family. the rest of my family is in bad financial situation. i'm considered "lucky" by them to be able to live in this house.
if i divorce him i get child support but its very little and it couldnt help with renting a place because i'd have to buy all the food and clothes, which CS would barely cover or wouldnt at all then i cant rent anything.
even my husband that has a bigger paycheck couldn't be able to rent a place because it's REALLY expensive here and the pay is small in general,for everyone.
thats why i'm looking to a solution for this,because moving out would be hard if not impossible.

lucija's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Your best solution is to

Your best solution is to learn how to do something that will pay more money. What will you do if he just chucks you out some day?

The only solution is to stand

The only solution is to stand up to him for yourself and your baby.

Is he physically abusive?

he isn't

I am very happy to hear that.

I am very happy to hear that. I thought it might be the case because you are coming across like you are afraid of him. I think you just need to learn to be more assertive. Start reading about that online. You are taking no for an answer WAY to easily with this situation. If you can't stand up for yourself, you need to figure out how to stand up for your baby.

i'm really not afraid of him.

i'm really not afraid of him. he's not abusive. even when we disagree he never says offensive things or even yells. he's always calm and collected. even when we get into a "fight" it's mostly me screaming,he remains calm and doesn't scare me at all..

You have been given a

You have been given a plethora of ideas on how to fix this. It seemed like you shot most of them down. Change is scary,I get it. At some point though you have to take responsibility for your own happiness. If you DH won't man up and take back some of those bedrooms, you will need to put on your big girl panties and deside what to do. You could get two hundred comments from the ladies here, but in the end the change will be up to you and your DH.

no, i don't think he would

no, i don't think he would throw me out. i know he WOULD NOT do that.

i just know that it would cause problems if i did it on my own without him backing me up on it.

and what if they get angry and just take the room back? then what do i do?
and i know those girls. that's EXACTLY what they would do.

Who's the adult? You or them?

I don't know that I agree

I don't know that I agree with all that, they have a right to be in a safe home. Taking their spare bedroom away is not abuse though. If they change it after, bag their stuff up and they can earn it back.

they maybe wouldn't destroy

they maybe wouldn't destroy it,they'd maybe just take the stuff out and put theirs back in.

and since their father does not agree with me taking one of their rooms,he wouldn't punish them for reacting to it.
which means nothing can be taken away from them, because guess what? i'm not their parent OR disciplinarian

but i cant do that because

but i cant do that because their father doesnt agree.
i cant take aaway their privileges,their father can. and he WONT. because he doesnt agree with me.

he would only punish them if they hit me. not if they took the rooms back.

call the cops? ,the cops here come when someone's dead. unless is too far away, then they dont come at all.

Are you in South Africa?

Are you in South Africa? Serious question.

Did you know he was like this

Did you know he was like this when you married him? I would say this takes the cake on Disney dad behavior.

I knew he let them have their

I knew he let them have their way, it's just that back then I didn't know what do they want. they seem like normal, even really good kids when you don't have to deal with them much.

no, i'm not in south africa.

I also suggest taking the

I also suggest taking the second room away from all the girls. They each get ONE.

Make one a nursery make one a study/library/office and make the third your new bedroom.

Turn your old bedroom into a playroom or den or game room.

The set up you guys have now is insane. Absolutely insane that you have three minors completely unsupervised....esp the NINE year old.

dh doesn't agree. he thinks

dh doesn't agree.
he thinks its alright.
so i cant change it all up without him agreeing.

and when i piss them off how

and when i piss them off how do i deal with them? because i'm pretty sure they wouldn't take anything from ME ,and their father isn't backing me up on the room deal so wtf..

Ok, I want advice on putting

Ok, I want advice on putting them in their place. i just think i cant do it if their father isn't up for it. i cant do it on my own.

Yep, I really need a dose of

Yep, I really need a dose of dtzy. I feel myself getting weak. I was doing so good there for a while. SS is walking on air ever since SO defended him against mean old Onefootout. I wish I could have had you standing right there next to me when it happened to shut down SO's badassery.

3. i'm just afraid they're

3. i'm just afraid they're not going to care when i say that.

the two older SDs COULD hit me. and would do so. the younger one (15) gets into fights often and i think that's her way of solving shit.
and i never had a fight in my life.

but thank you.
i will try.

I don't care what they say,

I don't care what they say, but they don't care what i say either.

no, the police will not come.
not like i've never heard or saw about situations like this.

I suggested the same thing

I suggested the same thing yesterday.

I don't think she's even had

I don't think she's even had a very serious convo with him about it. I think she's afraid of him. I think she nicely asked, he said no and that was the end of it.

its ridiculous to think i can

its ridiculous to think i can just do that with no backlash

so when their backlash

so when their backlash starts, what do i do? because if he's not backing me up, and he's not obviously, he won't stop them. that's the problem. how do I deal with THAT

No, i'm intimidated by the 15

No, i'm intimidated by the 15 and 18 year old ones. the 9 year old one isn't bad really.

I told you too
i cant take their things. their father can. he wont if i go against his opinion.
i can call the cops. they wont come. i told you. they only come when someone dies. and its not an exaggeration. its just how it is. it may sound shocking but its how we lived for a very long time. were used to it.

i dont buy them anything. except the 9 year old somtimes.

i do ignore them usually.

i can take backlash from my kid that i can DISCIPLINE, but not two bitchaass teens that i CANT discipline.

I am banging my head against

I am banging my head against the desk with you. I think we ALL here. We are trying to help you but you refuse everything that is viable.

You have two choices:
1- Find a better job as soon as you can, start making more money and start squirreling away money over time until you have funds to secure another place to rent. File for divorce and child support.

2- Have a serious talk with him and tell him you will not stand for this treatment. And that if he loves you and your baby that he will support you in making changes around there including making one of those rooms into a beautiful nursery for your baby, which is something every young mother should be able to do.

Actually, you have a third choice: Keep quiet to him, refuse to rock the boat, let your baby live in a closet until the youngest moves away (who will by then occupy all SIX room upstairs if her sisters ever move out which is unlikely) and keep whining to yourself about your sad life. But please don't expect US to help you and indulge your pity party. We are here to help give you strength to have tough conversations with your husband. That's what we do for each other here. But we are not going to put on our pity party hats and feel sorry for someone who won't stand up for herself and her child.

Dear Lord.

LOL. Tell your sweet pup to

LOL. Tell your sweet pup to PM me your address so I can send some biscuits! My pup and I will part with some! I am still cracking up over that. How absolutely absurd does it have to get before she stands up for herself? This is insanity.

find a better job? i barely

find a better job? i barely could get this one at all! i even had to pull strings for it. its not a situation where we look for better jobs. its a situation where we look for any any any kind of job.
being a cleaning lady is considered pretty desirable here.

OK sweetheart, I am really

OK sweetheart, I am really trying to help you. I hope you understand that. This is just frustrating. We don't know where you live. Would you please give us more to this story? We can't help with half information. How are we to know what circumstances you're under? You live in a giant house but cleaning lady is a good job there? Seriously, where do you live that this is even possible?

we didnt buy the house. the

we didnt buy the house. the house was inherited.its an old house, his family was rich once but it all went away and basically the house is all that remained.
cleaning lady is desirable because there are no job, no open places, so we NEED a job and then we take anything. if its cleaning lady, we take it because there's nothing else.
i don't feel comfortable saying exactly where i'm from, because i don't think there are many people on this site from there and i think i could be recognized also. but anyway, it's not developed, and its hard to live here. no money and prices are huge.

Because he thinks it's unfair

Because he thinks it's unfair to take something they had for years

and i really can't connect being in a poor area and giving kids rooms. ?!
this has nothing to do with that, it's just he dosn't think its fair to the stepkids

here its normal. 9 year old

here its normal. 9 year old stay alone in whole houses until parents come back from work and older siblings from school. it's really normal. kids older than 7 don't go into gardens or get nannys or something.

I feel like my head is about

I feel like my head is about to explode.

OP,you are not looking for help. You have an excuse for every idea presented.

Thank you! Yes this ^^^.

I think she just wants us to

I think she just wants us to commiserate. If she wants to post vents about this, fine. We can overlook them. But to expect us to come up with some sort of magical solution when she won't even have a real conversation with her husband about this is simply absurd. I am losing it on this one.

i dont shoot anything down

i dont shoot anything down because i feel like it but because of the situation. i simply explain why it cant be done like that. if you know a way around the consequences of some ideas i got so far, awesome. but if you cant tell me how to deal with two bitches that are going to give me hell and their father wont stop them, then you cant expect me to piss them off and provoke them. he would punish them for doing shit if he agreed with what was done to cause their anger, but if he doesnt agree , and now he doesnt, then he wont do it.
and i DONT know how to deal with them. you cant call the cops on them here.

Your issue is NOT with those

Your issue is NOT with those kids. It is with the man you are married to. Why can't you get some power and have an actual adult conversation with him about the needs of your baby and you?

he says that the baby doesnt

he says that the baby doesnt need a room now. but it does. he just doesn't know because he doesn't deal a lot with baby's things.
when he doesn't agree with what i'm doing he won't back me up. only if it's done in an agreement. and we're not agreeing with this.

But how do I give them hell?

i can't shut them down. they just don't shut up unless they want to. they would tell me to shut up right back.
they would walk away when they're done. they don't have the position of children in this home or ANYWHERE really. it's no use in telling them they're children,when no one treats them like children.

i would be a bad ass sm, but i just don't know can it work with these girls. i know them and i know what they're like..that's what scares me

I give up on this.

I can't get an apartment,i

I can't get an apartment,i already said that.

yeah and when the hell unleashes on me ?

What kind of hell? If you

What kind of hell? If you are afraid for your physical safety get some pepper spray. I was able to order some from Amazon.

Carry it with you all the time.

Do you have a cell phone? Use it to record any conversations you have with DH or step kids. It will be your insurance should they claim you attacked them with the pepper spray, you can play the recording showing you were only defending yourself.

i think i'd take a room and

i think i'd take a room and move myself and my baby into it, begin educating myself, look for a job, move the fuck out of there. in the meantime, you'll be living in the room. let them try to move you out then (i'd take 2 rooms).

I'm educated! i have an

I'm educated! i have an university degree.
i just can't get a better job than i have now.

I can't just take the room when i feel like it! they'll just move me out and move back in.
there's TWO of them and ONE of me. with no support from my husband because he doesn't agree with me

but what if they ruin my

but what if they ruin my work?!

so how is it abuse? it isn't abuse , he isn't doing anything to me. he's just not giving a room, which is not abuse.

i'm saying that the jobs part is how it is here. not the men part.

How can they ruin your work?

How can they ruin your work? What kind of work do you do?

well like i'll put the baby's

well like i'll put the baby's stuff in and they'll throw it around,just take it out, ruin it, steal it..idk what would occur to them

how is it abuse

how is it abuse :?

4. but if i move sd out and

4. but if i move sd out and move baby in, isn't that the same thing?

Seriously lucija, you are the

Seriously lucija, you are the problem. If you refuse to stand up for yourself, then there is nothing anyone can do or say to help you.

And by the way, you are being verbally abused by the 15 and 18 year olds, while your husband does nothing. You are abuse because you have fear of these people. Why do you have fear? Is it because they have a bigger mouth than you and can scream louder? Is it because you are afraid that your husband will retaliate if you stand up to his kids? This is mental and verbal abuse.

Im afraid my sds would

Im afraid my sds would retaliate. Not my husband.

I wouldnt call it abuse just because im afraid. They havent done anything to me...the fear is just common sense

It sounds like you're in a

It sounds like you're in a rural area. Are you really afraid the stepkids will physically attack you?

Do you really think your DH will let his daughters hit you? You should not be with a man that will allow his daughters to hurt you.

not rural, but a town.

not rural, but a town. still,not a much developed one. it got the status of a town like a year ago?!

i don't know. the thing is if one of them does hit me,i'd hit her back i guess,and there's two of them so they can twist the story. they always manipulate people into believing their story. they'd even hurt themselves to make it look like it was me,they've done it before already.
so then it will seem like he's allowing me to hurt them because they'd play victims.

Do you have a cell phone?

Do you have a cell phone? You can use it to record things, so that would be your proof that you were defending yourself.

Did you see my post above about pepper spray?

You can spray both of them with it and neither of them will be able to do anything for several minutes. Trust me, I've used it before myself!

You said they've hurt themselves before and blamed you for it. What did your DH do when this happened?

No, not me. they hurt

No, not me. they hurt themselves when they had problems with a neighbour. the woman complained that they and their friends were making too much of a mess and noise in the neighbourhood at night, sd18 and the neighbour got in a fight. sd18 had sd15 (back then 16 and 13) hit her so it left a mark and she blamed the neighbour. she said she hit first and her father took it.

They didn't hit me but file

They didn't hit me

but file charges? for being hit? ?? :?

yeah its against the law and

yeah its against the law and the law isnt enforced here.

no one cares about hitting.

they wouldnt get a record for that unless they were punished/convicted/got a court hearing invite
which they wont get for hitting me

i rented an apartment

i rented an apartment before.
i said already that i wouldn't be able to rent it now because the price has gone up, my pay has gone down twice, and now i even have a baby.

not like i have a choice

You do have a choice, but you

You do have a choice, but you are refusing to do anything. You have an excuse for every suggestion anyone has given you. So the way I see it, you really don't have a problem being abused by the SDs and your husband. So stay, and live the life you chose.

Okay, have the step kids ever

Okay, have the step kids ever hit you?

What happened when the step kids hit themselves and claimed someone else hit them? What did DH do???

No,they didn't. he believed

No,they didn't.

he believed them. and then he let her get away with the fight with the neighbour because "she started it and she hurt me dad :("

So the neighbor didn't do

So the neighbor didn't do anything- she didn't call the cops or press charges?

i already said there's no use

i already said there's no use in that.

and even if there was , there were no witnesses and the only one with bruises was SD18

Get a backbone. Bullies will

Get a backbone.

Bullies will bully the people who won't stand up to them. If you stand up to a bully, they will usually go find easier prey.

What did you do your whole life with people who trampled on you? Bullies or mean girls in school? People at work who tried to take credit for stuff you did? Why is this any different?

If they do anything to you or against you, demand your DH stand up for you. If he doesn't, then HE is in the doghouse. YOU have the power. Don't you get it??

I think she's believes the

I think she's believes the police won't do anything.

I know police aren't always on the ball like they should be. When I was married, my husband pushed me into a desk. I called the cops on him. They said since I didn't have any bruises on me there was nothing they could do.

Since both of our names were on the house, they couldn't make him leave either.

what ladyface is

what ladyface is saying..exactly that

I know you can press charges,

I know you can press charges, i also know that the police will ignore it because to them it's not serious.
i lived here for my whole life. i know how it works.

you go to the police, they ask you questions, say ALRIGHT and NOTHING happens.

or they tell you its not something for reporting.

you call them, they don't come or they come in 5 hours.

a man was killed here "we'll come later". and they came the next morning.

and this is just ONE example.

it happens. it's like that.

children beat the shit out of eachother and no one gives a fuck.

i wouldnt be able to get them punished for one hit.

a friend of mine reported her brother hitting her, they said "well you're alive and pretty well so what do you want"

exactly

Okay, so if the police won't

Okay, so if the police won't do anything, and your DH won't do anything, what's stopping YOU from spraying both of these brats with some pepper spray?

You know you can order it online.

I'd also see about getting some locks you can put on the bedroom doors.

Fight fire with fire. If your DH is such a wuss, I'm thinking he'd be a wuss with you too.

what's stopping me? what they

what's stopping me?
what they will do to me if i do something to them.

but i still like your idea

So, get an apartment, give

So, get an apartment, give the baby the bedroom and you sleep on a couch.

Have you lived this long in your life and not have any friends or family willing to help out?

I can't believe you have NO options.

Hell, I would probably take up prostitution as a side job so my baby didn't have to live in a CLOSET!

I understand other countries are not like here but if there is a will, there is a way. Like Echo says, if it is important, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse.

I can't get an apartment. i

I can't get an apartment.

i have friends that are financially as bad as me, and a sister thats not speaking to any of our family.

Okay - can you get a

Okay - can you get a cardboard box??

If you don't have the backbone to stand up for your own baby, then move under a bridge in a cardboard box.

Why the hell did you get pregnant if you guys are already in such a precarious financial situation? Maybe you should think about letting your child go to a family who can better provide for it. Your child would have a better life and you wouldn't be stuck with the loser you married.

no, i wont give my child to

no, i wont give my child to another family.
even if i wanted to,where the fuck do i find a family that'll take it? orphanages are already full

but no, i dont want that

You seriously have an excuse

You seriously have an excuse for everything. Geez...

Excuse me ? Duh i have an

Excuse me ? Duh i have an excuse for not giving up on my kid! WTF

My comment about you having

My comment about you having an excuse for everything had to do with your comment "even if i wanted to,where the fuck do i find a family that'll take it? orphanages are already full". Not about you giving up your child.

My point is, you need to stop trying to justify your family's behavior with excuses as to why you can't, why you won't or why you are afraid to do anything to stand up for yourself and your child. Even if you are afraid of your skids, you need to take a stand to protect your child and do what is right for that child.

Move to New York State, USA

Move to New York State, USA and the CS will cover EVERYTHING. Absolutely EVERY.THING!!!

You are here

Comments