rambling, venting, getting it out there. It's over.
Well.
Says it all really.
Yesterday (we have been on holiday) he was sick, so I sent all four kids (sd13, dd11, ss10 and dd8) out to explore on their scooters for a few hours alone so he could rest. (small holiday town so pretty safe) With the explicit instructions to STAY together, no going off alone, no matter what. SD13 decided to walk not scoot. Whatever.
A few hours later dd11 comes in and is upset. She is alone. She proceeds to tell me that ss had ridden off ahead on his own. sd called him back, he didn't come. So sd asked dd to scoot after him and make him stop. ss, although 9 months younger than dd is very tall and muscular, dd is still in girls sz 8 clothes. DD catches up to ss and tries to make him stop and wait for the others. SS then throws a punch at dd's face, pulling it at the last minute (inches from her face) and proceeds to threaten and standover her with his fist in her face.
The others all arrive back. OH asks SS what happened and he says nothing, no he didn't ride on ahead blah lie blah lie blah. DD8 comes in and confirms what dd11 said. SD says nothing happened also.
I tell OH he needs to deal with the threats of violence as that I will not tolerate. The rest - whatever. But that needs dealing with. He agreed. The kids all go in the pool, but didn't stay long. DD11 and SD go to have a shower. OH grabs SS and takes him down to shoot some hoops. They "chat" it goes like this - "I know dd11 is really annoying and makes you very angry but you mustn't do that again champ!" head ruffle "now lets play ball!"
Now call me helicopter mummy, crazy and OTT but I do not think this is enough. I told him so. He argues back that dd shouldn't have tried to tell ss what to do - never mind it was at sd's request and because ss was breaking the rules, dd asked for ss to have a go at her by attempting to stop him.
I counter with it is under no circumstances EVER acceptable for ANY of the kids to threaten violence to each other and that there MUST be consequences, he says "there were. I spoke to him"
I say "that's it?"
Around and around and around we go. Til I am fuming mad - if some big lout of a kid had shoved his fist in sd's face that way he would be baying for blood!
So I tell him "if he won't deal with SS I will". I proceed to call SS and tell him "If you EVER threaten to punch one of my daughters again I will fucking hit you myself"
Ok, the F word may have been too much.... I concede that ONLY!
He grabs his kids all affronted at my daring to speak to his baby that way and takes them off for a walk.
I pack the car with our stuff and my kids and leave. (3 hours from home) I start driving out of town but I cannot seriously leave him and them and their stuff stranded 3 hours from home. I get a room for the night and tell him I will pick him up in the morning.
Get there this morning (here's a clue as to how useless ss is. OH gets a bowl out for him, a spoon out for him, puts the cereal next to the bowl, which is RIGHT above the under bench fridge... Tells SS the bowl spoon and cereal are there, milk is in the fridge, get your breakfast while I pack your stuff.... SS stares dumbly at the kitchen.... looks at the bench.... looks in the sink.... opens the cupboard NEXT to the fridge.... dumbass. I tell him "it's IN the fridge... that white thing!" And earn a killer look from OH but who gives a flying fuck at this point.
We drive home in silence.
He unpacks the car.
I take the stuff inside.
SKIDS are upstairs... they are supposed to be here til tomorrow. DD comes down stairs and asks me if they are still staying tonight. I go out and ask him.
He says he is taking them home now.
I say and then what are your plans?
He says he has none.
I ask him to come back so we can discuss what happens next. At this point I have two options to put to him as to how we end this, sell/settle up the house etc.
He agrees to drop them and come straight back.
two hours later (only 1.20 required for the round trip) I text him and ask how long he will be as dd21 has taken the younger two out to give us some space.
He tells me he still has the kids. Can't drop them until tonight and will be around after that.
I tell him he should have told me this as he told me he would be right back.
He says no he just said he would come back when he had dropped them off.
Arsehole.
I called him a see you next Tuesday. Told him he was a fucking child and that he couldn't even handle THIS with any grace and maturity.
Then I went upstairs and threw all SD's things in a box. I am about to do SS's.....
Also. SD told my DD that when OH and I break up he and her mother are getting back together - BM told her so. BM told her that their marriage had been perfect, but that I came along and sent him lots of rude texts and told him I loved him and begged him to leave her and live with me. And apparently in this farfetched tale BM discovered the texts and threw him out and that is the ONLY reason he is with me.
I am OVER the lot of them.
I am moving to another state to be with my family. My parents have offered to come down here in a few weeks and help me get the house ready to sell. Then (they are in the process of selling their house - should settle on Tuesday) they are going to buy a house and build a granny flat, and buy a motor home. My girls and I get the house rent free, they have the granny flat and someone there to mind the dog/garden while they travel. So.
FUCK YOU OH.
I am sad, I will miss him terribly, I don't WANT this. But I guess my line has been found.
Will keep you updated.
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Comments
Yes, they were amazing when I
Yes, they were amazing when I spoke to them last night. They keep telling me it helps them out too - someone there at their house while they go away for months at a time - I know this has stopped them somewhat in their travel desires so far so I do get it.
And they worry about me. I am 3000 odd miles away from any family - pretty much penniless and alone. So, my mother will have less stress knowing we are out of this mess and safe with all the family
He has no idea yet. I am guessing he thinks he still has me on a string, but no.
He would have to do some major work tonight to change this outcome.
Yup. Exactly. SOME form of
Yup. Exactly. SOME form of consequences - no ipad for a week. Apologize to dd.
SOMETHING so he knows that when he does bad things bad things happen to him.
At this point neither skid has ever faced a consequence in their lives.
SD goes on ALL the time to DD11 about how mean I am, because I "punish" them. DD tells me she actually prefers to have consequences, because now that she has seen SD and SS she understands what NOT having them does LOL
And also - my dd's know that ALL actions have consequences - good actions get good results and bad ones = bad results.
Not rocket science but apparently the skids are too precious to learn that.
One day the world will hit them in the face and they will never even see it coming.
LMAO - at the moment he uses
LMAO - at the moment he uses that old catchphrase "they are just kids!"
Like how can they be expected to follow any societal norms and act like decent human beings, they are JUST KIDS!
I have said over and over to that one - they will not just miraculously turn 18 and suddenly KNOW how to behave like normal people.... YOU have to teach it to them WHIE THEY ARE KIDS - FFS, again not rocket science is it!
And yes, it really annoys the heck out of me - this has been a constant issue over the last few years, SD bitching and bad mouthing me to my kids. That and her lying, stealing and allover manipulation.
i feel you on this one. I
i feel you on this one. I used to belong to a really small, crappy stepmom site years ago. no matter what I said about sd, there was one poster on there who had it for me SO bad. everything was she's just a kid, it's not her fault, it's the parent's fault, bla bla bla. I posted on that site until sd was 17. I remember asking that cow "at what point is a kid responsible for their own behavior?" she of course did not bother to answer. I made the same argument you do. if you don't teach them how to behave now, then when they are adults, they are going to be in trouble. you see asshole adults and hear people asking each other "didn't his parents teach him any manners", etc. well no. he was just a kid. you don't teach kids manners! that comes automatically on their 18th birthday! flipping idiots. I have no doubt that a lot of the people bitching about troublesome adults are the same ones who think kids need no discipline.
Agreed!!!!
Agreed!!!!
Well done. Yes you will mss
Well done. Yes you will mss him initially, but I give you 3 months and you will be on a permanent high because your free of him and the kids. Your parents are awesome. I think you will be much happier. It's all been going on too long. You deserve better. Apparently your parents knw that too.
Fucking bastard... (sorry -
Fucking bastard...
(sorry - language!!)
just texted me - "my phone is nearly flat, I will have to turn it off and on. I need to be by myself for a while. Don't wait up for me!"
Are you fucking kidding me!!! Don't wait up????? Like you're just going to crawl into the freaking bed next to me?????
I told him "no, come back now and we discuss things or we can arrange to meet somewhere tomorrow. Don't worry I won't be begging you to come back, but we need to talk about the future, I need your plans and input so that I can make mine!"
I repeat - arsehole!
No, he had to keep the kids
No, he had to keep the kids later as she was out - he just didn't bother to tell me that. He has dropped them off and is now spending some alone time....
Definitely not with the ex - she might want it - he doesn't!
Suppose he thinks this will
Suppose he thinks this will teach you, you will start to panic now and beg his forgiveness. They have no clue do they. No clue.
I have a narcissist ex who
I have a narcissist ex who got pissed at me one day for no reason (that happened constantly. he was also an unmedicated bipolar). he told me "how about I just don't see you for a week, huh? how would you like THAT?" as if him being a prick makes me want to spend every waking minute with him. another time he told me out of nowhere a few days before his shop was closing down for a week, "don't think that just because I'm off for a week means you are going to be with me all the time!" nice that he just assumes that is what I want. ignorant bastards. the funniest thing is that when I had finally had enough, a lot of other things were coming together for me at the same time. I moved into a new town,(which meant new phone number) and met a new man (fdh). I heard from a few people that he about hit the roof when he discovered that I moved, he had no number for me, did not know where I was, and I did not bother to get ahold of him. when someone told him I had a new man, I was told he acted shocked, even though it had been a year, and said "WHAT? WHO?" 10 years later and I still can't wrap my head around how he thought I was just always going to be there when he wanted me to be and stop living my life when he didn't. apparently it truly really never did enter his tiny mind that I just might reach a point of no return and move on with my life without him.
That's exactly it! He plays
That's exactly it! He plays this stupid game so well. I guess that makes me stupid too for falling for it so many times.
He likes to get me off balance, upset and stressed - wondering where he is and when he'll bother to turn up etc.
It makes me behave irrationally and gives him the upper hand.
I expect his plan is to turn up once I go to bed and to sleep in SS's room.... that is meant to upset me....
meh. whatever.
Yes, the kids and I are
Yes, the kids and I are getting in pizza for tea, watching a movie.
My parents have told me of the house they are looking at buying (I know it as it is over the road from the one they live in now.... LOL)
EBU - you will appreciate this - it's in the Noosa hinterland. On a few acres of rainforest, three levels with a pool. I am pretty damned pleased to be honest - it's an investment for them - it needs renovating which they will do over time, then we can all live there for as long as we need.
So, yes - my ducks are lined up - I love my parents - and someone is watching over me.
The house here is in both our names, we will have to do some tidying and painting to sell it. Not sure how long it will take, we snapped it up 9 days after it went on the market, but it's an odd place
so it needs the right family!
I do honestly think his plan is to keep me off kilter and upset and to punish me. He always punishes me like this as he knows that his time is what I value most - I'm not fussed about presents or him doing little jobs etc - I just value time spent together - so he knows that by with-holding that he is hurting me.
Well, yes it's hurting but in a good, strengthening my resolve kinda way - so! I think there may be shocks in store here tomorrow!!
The man acts like a five year
The man acts like a five year old.
Luchay, I'm moving in with
Luchay, I'm moving in with you and my new mum and dad. Sounds amazing. Try not to,give in to him tonight. Try to turn off your phone or at least don't take his calls. See you in Noosa.
3 1/2 hours later I get some
3 1/2 hours later I get some text from him (I am guessing it's a forwarded text from BM with his own stuff at the end...
"Dodnt tell ss10 not to say stuff to me my god what r u doing to the poor kid this is all ur fault he has to see some1 OH and yes I am mad now but ss is worried god well I am going to take him on we'd and no he is not coming to u ok pick up sd at 4 from there!! U said I send not nice text but they have always been the truth. Turned on my phone and got this from BM. Be there in about 20 to talk about OUR future."
OUR future!!!! Seriously deluded man!
The rest - I am guessing - OH told SS not to tell BM that I swore at him.... SS being the little shit that he is went straight in and told BM... as he does. Weds SS has counselling because BM can't control him - his aggression and his lying and general bad behaviour!!! I am guessing she doesn't want him coming around me any more. GOOD RIDDANCE, keep SD too - none of them are welcome in my home anymore! Psychotic crazy bitch. And after the crap she has been spouting to SD she has the cheek to talk about what is HE doing to the poor kid?
WTF did I get myself into with this dysfunctional lot!
wtf, that text was nothing
wtf, that text was nothing but word vomit, I made not a bit of sense out of it.
All of her texts are like
All of her texts are like that - only usually they contain swearing as well LOL
I guess she had to hold back on that as what she is railing about is ME using the "f" word to her son. Never mind that the little thug threw a punch at my daughter, swearing at her kid makes me the devil!
Good advice.
Good advice.
I didn't reply at all. He
I didn't reply at all.
He turned up. It went very badly.
We did need to discuss things as his stuff is still here - immediate things like him leaving in the short term, him agreeing to the work we need to do, who pays what until it sells. Minor details - but they needed sorting.
When I told him that he couldn't stay here while we waited for it to sell he screamed and yelled and ranted and raved (well he came in the door angry, carried on about how everything that has ever happened has all been my fault. He can't see his kid because of me blah blah blah! I told him he could still see him just not here. He said Of course he will still see him, so I said then what is the problem?
We need to discuss important stuff and it would help if you could calm down and be rational.
No such luck, he said he is not paying for anything if he doesn't live here, I pointed out he is still responsible for the mortgage regardless of where he lives. And that given his current attitude he could NOT stay in the house with me and my kids and he could not bring his kids here either. yada yada yada.
He claimed everything we own is his. (it's not - I contributed 50% more to the deposit on the house than him, but the mortgage is just in his name. My car is just in his name - not sure how that happened but at the time I trusted him. He did agree to change it over to my name - whether he does or not - we will see. But he carried on yelling about how I had no right to anything - again rubbish, even if I had contributed nothing, in this country we have been living in a common law marriage for over two years - meaning I have the same rights as a spouse, I could take 60% - yes I sought legal advice a while back - even if I hadn't contributed a penny) He said everything that is wrong is my fault, his kids are fucked up and it's my fault, I am to blame for everything apparently. He really acted like he hated me, I know this sounds ridiculous but that is the hardest thing - the hatred.
So, because he was going on about how everything is his I spied his mobile and tablet - both are on my plan and in my name - so I picked them up and said well these are mine...
He had something of mine in his car which I asked to be returned before he left (he was packing his bag while screaming at me) He then went past the entry and into the lounge where he dumped his case on the floor. I told him to take it out and I would come out and get my thing from him. He said no, he was taking the Foxtel unit as it was his!!! (we both pay the bills so I have no idea - apart from that our TV is old and only works through the foxtel unit so we would have no TV if he took it.) He went out to the car and I unplugged it really quickly and raced it upstairs and hid it in DD21's room. He came back in and I grabbed my phone and called my mum - just in case as it was getting ugly.
He went to grab it and thought I must have put it in his bag all ready for him... so he checked his bag, screaming at me again - where is it etc. I ignored him and kept talking to my mum hoping he would realise and stop. He didn't - he screamed and yelled and I told him he had to go. He got right up in my face and screamed some more - he wasn't going anywhere til I gave him back his Foxtel unit!! So ridiculous, but he was getting very aggressive and shoving me so I told my mum to call the police. He kept going for a while then realised that I had stopped talking and what that meant.
He left.
The police turned up. Then while they were here they got a call that he was at the station. They made a report and said they would tell him he was not to return here unless I said it was ok.
Tomorrow I am changing the locks. I never thought he would get violent with me but he really scared me tonight. I have piles of stuff in front of the doors in the hopes that he can't get in.
I honestly thought we could have a calm and rational discussion about how it would all be sorted. I guess not.
Now I feel sick, and beaten. And I KNOW it's not all my fault but I still feel in some ways that it must be. And I cannot believe that that is how he really feels. Some of the things he said were so ugly. And I am so stupid to have fallen for him and let him reduce me to this.
Sorry now I really am rambling - I just need to get it out.
You did very well under
You did very well under intense pressure. I think he hates you because he somehow blames you for how his kids are turning out. It is easier to blame you than to admit that he messed up his own kids.
Yes, and I think because I
Yes, and I think because I stood up to him. Because I didn't beg forgiveness, beg for him to stay and we could work it out.
I stopped being his doormat.
I guess he didn't like that.
Oh well. Now I know who he really is, and it's not someone I want to be with, or have around my kids.
So. Still a bit shell shocked, it really is over.
My guess is that he is angry
My guess is that he is angry because he has been manipulating you and you didn't fall for it this time. I had one of those and it got really ugly. He was wonderful and a delight to be around as far as his friends were concerned. Just please be careful and God Bless!
He finally has to realize that he can't control you and they can get pretty dangerous then.
Honey, just tell him that as
Honey, just tell him that as you make him so unhappy then it is best you break up. Make it out that he will be able to get his kids back and they can live their happy life with him. And SD will get her wish and he will reconnect with their mother. Make it all out that you are doing HIM a favour. He cannot argue with this. Because he wanted you to make him happy... and you are.
Keep safe. And resolve NEVER to get involved with another man for a few years. At least until your children are grown. And seek counselling to work out how to recognise the next bully who tries to latch onto you.
Thanks everyone. Feeling a
Thanks everyone.
Feeling a bit defeated and sorry for myself this morning, but the only way is up from here I guess - so it's all good!
Sunny, I don't think he will ever see where he or they are wrong. He snowed me with how it was all BM's fault that there marriage failed - now I never 100% believed that - I'm not that stupid, but he did make her out to be insane (well, ok he's right there) she is completely irrational a lot of the time. I don't know maybe he just spent so long dealing with her crazy he knows no other way.
He even went so far as to say my daughter was in the wrong and that his son was just defending himself from HER! My girl is about 55 lbs soaking wet while his son is a strapping lad! And no amount of whatever my dd may have said warrants a fist in her face. Yes, she can be bossy, but she WAS only doing what they were told to do - trying to stay together.
It just doesn't even matter anymore. His daughter is a greedy, lying, thieving little so and so, and his son is getting more aggressive by the day and also lies and steals. Both are failing at school and are completely incapable (see milk story in OP) But *I* am the bad parent... Oh well.
I will text him later and ask to meet him when he has calmed down, so we can iron out the details of how this is going to happen. You know, I would have let him stay, in one of the other bedrooms - if he hadn't been so angry and abusive right from the minute he walked in.
With regards to financial stuff - yes it's only his credit rating that would be affected if we stopped paying, but I don't want them to foreclose on us and come out with nothing - we need the time to sell it properly. I hope he wakes up and sees that. I cannot manage the mortgage on my own, I can scrape by with paying half the bills and our food and SOME of the mortgage but he will still need to contribute until it's settled.
I wouldn't text him later.
I wouldn't text him later. You can't make all the running in sorting this out, he will just take it as a sign that he has the upper hand, and probably be less cooperative. Leave things to cool down.
Don't take the hate
Don't take the hate personally. It's not you he hates. It's the fact that he lost control of you he is angry at. You are not to blame for any of this, in time I hope you come to know that. Your partner is no better than mine. They are narcissists. They turn everything around. The things THEY do, they say, you are the one doing them. You say your child is rude, and the response you get - mine, what about yours, and then the whole thing becomes a full on fight about your kids. It's never their fault, it's never their kids. It's you and yours. You cannot have a rational discussion with them.
Well you could talk to the
Well you could talk to the bank and arrange interest only payments. If you talk to them before you stop paying they will be cooperative and tell you the best way t handle it. They may even agree to stop repayments for 3 months or so till it's sold. But it's his mortgage he'd have to do that.
I'd suggest you get yourself to a solicitor this week, you don't have to wait for your partner. You can get a solicitor and just get them to deal with him. It might be best to do it that way. Your partner may stall things so long that you end up in debt over the house anyway.
But you could also just see if your solicitor thinks it's okay for you to just pack up and leave now and sort out the finances later. The trouble with that is if he moves in he will devalue the house. My ex did that. Tore wallpaper off the walls, kept it dirty and basically trashed it. Then when it was valued he paid me out. Of course it was far from what we would've got if the house had been kept up. So he got a bargain. I got out so I didn't care in the end.
Just be careful though. Leaving men who who are this way needs to be done with care. He doesn't want to be left, he wants to be in control.
Your right. He snowed you over the first wife. She may well have lost the plot. But I'm betting he drove her crazy.
Yes, centrelink tomorrow,
Yes, centrelink tomorrow, find a solicitor as well.
Front door lock has just been changed thanks to some lovely friends
I am making a list of what needs sprucing up around here to make it more sell-able.
And yes, I do believe he did drive her to be the shrew she is now. Hindsight and all that LOL
Still sad, and hurting but feeling a lot more positive - motivated! DD21 wants to stay down here so the friends who changed the locks for me said they knew of a place - granny flat on acreage so she can take her dog - so she'll have a decent home. The friends will look after her - they are like her second family anyway - I only know them through her.
The little ones - well - school goes back in a few days, and dancing. Not sure how to handle that - just let them do all the troupes (you have to sign a yearly commitment that you will be available for all comps) and then there's the Disney troupe - they'll have to drop out of that
but I think I will just keep them in the normal ones until I have more information. Oh I don't know. It could be all year anyway!! Silly how the "little" things are tripping me up the most!