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I am so hurt I could cry, am I being ridiculous?

luchay's picture

So, after the mess on Tuesday with BM/skids OH and I had a screaming fight later that night and are not talking at the moment.

It was SD's birthday yesterday - we had discussed what her present from us was - an exclusive Day with her dad. Including an hour at a trampolining place she loves, lunch and $50 to spend the afternoon hanging out and buy her present.

My birthday was last Friday - I got a $60 voucher for a cheap teenagers clothing shop - not somewhere I have EVER bought clothes for myself (it's not the cheap part but that it's not really aimed at my demographic)

So - even though we aren't speaking I know he has the skids tonight (I won't be around as I have other commitments) so I prepared the gift certificate for her and emailed it to him at work.

The reply was

Don’t know, I organised through one of my drivers to get a waterproof camcorder for her at a discount price and the driver received it for nothing. Not complaining, I suppose I could take her out to buy some clothes!

Now. Here is why I am upset. My DD's 11 and 8 are dancing at Disneyland and Universal studios etc in September - this is kind of a once in a lifetime thing for us (we are in Australia remember) WE don't own a camcorder. I have commented on how I would like to be able to film them performing - I can always get a copy from one of the other parents but of course their copy will be focussed on THEIR kid (go figure LOL) But anyway I had said I will have to make do with that as we can't afford to buy a camcorder of our own at this point.

So this arsehole bastard "loving" partner of mine gets his fucking 14yo kid what he knows I would really want.

And I feel silly for being pissed about this (why???? why do I feel silly)

I really think that I am leaving this man as soon as we get back from the US (the tickets are all booked and paid for, cannot change it - he is coming as one of the required chaperones for my girls - if I could change it now I would find someone else and tell him to fuck off)

Comments

learningallthetime's picture

I am sorry :(. That sucks. I see two options: 1. He is a passive aggressive dick and did this to upset you or 2. he is stupid. Sorry, neither are good options! I completely understand you being so upset, it is just craziness. Do you have a friend who could loan you a camcorder? Maybe post on FB or something?

*hugs*

oneoffour's picture

OK, did you say to him "Oh wow! Can you get another one for me? I need one to take to America."?

Although the 'got it for nothing..' is a little suspect. Sort of like "fell off the back of a truck.."

Make your retreat from his life slowly and surely. One day he will realise you are gone before you actually physically leave. Just don't rush into the arms of someone else.

luchay's picture

No - I guess I should have said something like that - but my first thought was WE had planned her present, *I* got a shitty one (which is what I feel mean for thinking) when he KNOWS how much I would have loved a camcorder - especially now. So I went straight to upset Smile Straight to WHY DIDN'T YOU THINK TO GET MEEEEE THAT.

And I know I am not being ridiculous to be upset by this - the more time I have the more hurt I am and I know in my heart that it's not wrong for me to feel this way.

Possibly due to the industry he works in it is feasible that he could have had access to something cheap or even free - goods damaged in transit would be written off by the receiving/sending company and they would have them to sell off cheap or give away at their discretion. It's just that he didn't think of Me, that he thought to get it for her. She has an iphone, ipad, new laptop, decent camera etc. I have a shit phone and a 10yo PC. No camera (I had a really good one but his shitty kids caused it to be stolen the year we moved in together, he has been promising to replace it as soon as we can afford it - but this was a $1000 camera) no camcorder, a cheap tablet which while it does record video it's crap and only about 2 minutes at a time of poor quality, the show is 30 minutes and I would like to be able to see them LOL I will try asking around to see if we can borrow one from someone though, that's a good idea.

Yes, I am retreating. I just don't see a future without him making some serious attitudinal adjustments and I don't see that happening. So. I will get through the next two months, doing my own thing pretty much, and then after our trip I will set about actually leaving physically.

And no, no-one else. I will become the crazy cat lady.

learningallthetime's picture

Yay! Join me as a crazy cat lady...we will slowly take over the world! My cats might annoy me at times, but not as much as men do!

luchay's picture

LOL - yes I think right now I would prefer to be vacuuming up cat hair all day to putting up with this shit.

And the cats don't have kids. Well, if they do I don't know about them, they don't put them on a pedestal and revolve their worlds around them, martyr themselves and expect all around them to do the same at the altar of the stepshit.

luchay's picture

Oh yeah, there is NO chance she would lend us her camcorder - she thinks I should be paying to take her to Disney as well, and for it to be used to film MY kids doing something special - she would never let that happen.

The gift certificate isn't a shop one - it's something I made here - a day with dad, including an hour at gravity zone, lunch and shopping to buy her present. He already has the cash for it (that was the bottom part of the email I got back from him - "I already have the cash out to take them to Macca's tonight, and buy the lunch/present on the day with her"

So I can't even TAKE that back.

Have just tried to change the Disney booking - but I would have to get $200 and a copy of dd22's passport to Sydney (another state) in the next hour to make that possible - which is impossible. So I guess he has to come.

luchay's picture

Nah, I didn't see them at all, my dd11 had classes from 4.30 to 8.30 so he had the skids all on his own, it's been given and I never even saw it. Needless to say it's gone straight to BM's. Funny because I am sure the camera BM bought takes a whole lot better video than the cheapy one he "bought" (says it was free but fuck he lies about everything so why the heck would I believe him - and then he gets pissy at me when I act like I don't trust him.)

oneoffour's picture

Look, my ex lives in Tas. I bet if I asked him he would lend you his camcorder. Someone will help you out. Just make sure you extract yourself from his world. And it is likely you will get glimpses of the man he could be with some effort. Just keep going forward. By Christmas you will be away from the crazyDHworld.

luchay's picture

Really? Tas? LOL - that's my home. Not anymore of course, I moved away to be with OH, so all my friends are in Tas. Family in QLD and I am nowhere near any of them.

Smile feeling sorry for myself much?

I will find someone to borrow one from. And I will GTF out of here as soon as I can when we come back.

luchay's picture

Actually, you know what?

I am going to go in to one of the dept stores and put one on layby TODAY. Fuck him I will pay for it $10-15 a week out of the grocery money Smile He can go without chocolate or something.....

IslandGal's picture

Arrgh! That man is a absolute DICK for doing that to you! I would be bloody fuming too!

Absolutely go and put one on layby - screw him!

It's obvious he still places her happiness waaayyy above yours - she means much more to him and he is showing you.

I also believe you should make plans to leave him - it appears that he'll only get worse, as she gets older.

luchay's picture

It is done Smile And when he complains about having no coke or chocolate in the house - "Oh, I forgot!"

Smile

I have a huge bag of Reeces Peanut Butter cups my dd's bought me for my birthday, so I am all good. And 3 bottles of scotch, so I am well and truly good LOL

BethAnne's picture

I've found that if you really want something for a gift from your SO you need to spell it out to them REPEATEDLY!!!! And then if you are lucky you will get it.

I imagine that your gift was at the suggestion of your SD (or one of your DD's), Dad asked their advice on what to get you and they suggested their favorite store. Or perhaps one day you were in the store with your daughters and your husband and you mentioned that some item(s) were pretty and your husband randomly remembered that and thought you would love a voucher for the store.

I'm assuming there is a lot more in your relationship that is shitty for you to be talking about leaving him because this story alone sounds petty and materialistic. It just sounds like your husband forgot that you wanted a camcorder and had already sorted your birthday present (even if it wasn't that great a thought).

I've had my fair share of gifts that I thought were inappropriate for me and felt very ungrateful for them only later to be told (or realize) why that particular gift was chosen for me and even though it wasn't what I would have chosen for me the gift giver had a reason to believe that I really wanted/needed/would love that particular gift. It made me try to be a bit more humble and grateful in the future. (And if I really want something in particular I am very vocal about it!)

It is a shame that your birthday is so close to SD's so that there is a direct comparison of your two sets of gifts. If there were 6 months between your birthdays do you think you would be feeling the same jealousy?

luchay's picture

yes there is a whole lot more to our problems than this,

Yes I have mentioned VERY recently that I really would like a camcorder... so for him to get her exactly that is incredibly bad judgement.

No I have never been in this particular shop with him, my dd's are too young for that shop and wouldn't ever think of it as an option, dd(stb)22 laughed when I told her where the voucher was for - SHE is even too old for this shop - it's very much for the teen market.

I know he thinks I need new clothes, but this is a store that sd14 would shop at. I was appreciative that he recognized I needed new clothes and thought it was a good thing, I was very gracious about it, but have no idea what I will do with the voucher - I am 47 years old, bum shorts and cheeky t's are NOT my style.

The fact is, WE had a plan for his daughter, same as his sons present was at the beginning of the month. It was sorted. Then this camcorder option comes up and instead of thinking "wow, Luchay has been wanting one, and we have this trip coming up, and it would be perfect for her birthday" his immediate thought is "Princess Poopypants!!!!!"

No matter what the distance between our birthdays, at this stage if a very cheap/free camcorder came up and it wasn't even my birthday but 8 weeks out from our big trip I would think it would occur to him that WE might like a camcorder? And to go with the present WE had already planned for sd? To even have discussed it with me first might be an option?

It's not "jealousy" so much as he knows damn well I wanted one, and why. And he chose in the face of that knowledge to get it for his precious daughter instead. I don't see that as "jealousy" on my part. I see it as the man is a jerk who can't see past his own daughter and give a moments thought to anyone else.

kathc's picture

See if maybe you know someone who'd buy the gift cert off you or trade you for one to a store you'd actually use. There are sites online where you can do that, too. His daughter probably suggested it, figuring you'd give it to her.

Genise93's picture

He is a thoughtless ass whole.Cry if you must but give him a piece of your mind once your done crying. And by all means don't let him see you crying. Stay strong Sista!

zerostepdrama's picture

How old is your SD that she gets such a big gift?? I would totally think that is an adult gift. I assume she is somewhat young that she is going to the trampoline place. Is she going to be responsible with the gift? What does she have to record anyways?

I'm mad for you!

luchay's picture

She's 14 (as of yesterday) and no - she is not responsible in the slightest, she loses everything, but as I said above she HAS everything.

Turns out BM bought her a fancy schmancy waterproof camera for her birthday - worth hundreds, so OH had to try and compete. With a gift I wanted.

She has an ipad which takes perfectly good pics/videos for a freaking 14yo.

So I went and put a nice little camera/camcorder on layby. I pick it up 2 days before we go away (well I will try to get it earlier so I can figure how to use it LOL)

And I "forgot" to buy chocolate and coke.... }:) }:)
Two can play games in this house.

ChiefGrownup's picture

This is ridiculous. As a 30 year old adult, she won't remember either the fancy camera or the camcorder. However, she would have treasured the memory of jumping and giggling with Dad all to herself on her b-day.

BTW, I don't remember a single gift I received on my 14th bday but I cherish very much the memory of my girlfriends throwing me a surprise slumber party and my mother tricking me into making my own birthday cake. I rest my case.

Very shortsighted parenting (and husbanding) on your guy's part.

BTW, is this the same girl who got kicked out of her mom's home a few days ago for bad behavior-dad to the rescue?

luchay's picture

Yes, that's the one.

Only by the time he had driven the hour to get there things had calmed down, and when I dared to ask what had happened when they got home I was met with "Oh, BM is at the Dr's - she has the beginnings of pneumonia and needed a break!"

I was like "Ummmm - sorry what? What happened to the "GTF out of my house" and hysterics and BM screaming?" (said reasonably - but confused)

Then I copped a serve for questioning him for not giving me the full story. I was pretty calm and told him to stop getting angry at me as I had done nothing wrong and just wanted to know what was happening etc.

Eventually he apologized for his overreaction but was all passive/aggressive pissy pants all night so we ended up fighting later that night.

Had barely spoken two words since Tuesday night, then he sends me the email re the camcorder (after I STILL bothered to go out of my way to make up the voucher for his princess)

We are STILL not speaking and I really don't care. He is being a jerk and can shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

misSTEP's picture

Geez, I work in IT and have for about 7 years now and *I* don't even own a camcorder! I use my iPhone if I want to take video. I cannot believe that he thinks a barely 14 year old girl would be responsible enough for a camcorder.

luchay's picture

Yep. To be fair to him he has NO clue about women's/girls clothes - he would honestly have had no idea, so either he was in there with SD at some point and noted the prices were cheap (teenaged shop aimed at those with a small disposable income) and thought the voucher would stretch further there - not really being aware of the clothes etc - he is really clueless about this stuff.

OR - SD suggested it to him as an option for me - either expecting me to give her the voucher or just because she knows I don't/wouldn't shop there.

Funny you should mention Christmas. He bought me perfume. A quite expensive bottle but really not my style. (Daisy by Marc Jacob) More a younger teenage girl scent I have always thought - I don't really like it but I wear it because he tried. After yesterday I saw it on the dresser and looked at it with new eyes. I wonder if SD suggested that too? Also, he knows what I like/wear because the bottles are out on the dresser too..... Not hard to have a look at one and get something I wear. And now I feel like more of a bitch - for even thinking this way, I should just be appreciative that he tried, but the more this shit happens the more I question what he is REALLY thinking.

stepinafrica's picture

Next time you leave him, leave for good. I hope you realize no amount of counseling will help his stupidity.