ot need advice semi ethical conundrum
I was adopted at birth some 45 odd years ago. I can't have kids. Up until about 6 years ago I had pretty much no contact with bio family.
I found bio mom and sent her a letter, she called me back. We talked for awhile. She didn't mention my sisters and was very concerned about other people finding out about me. She told me my father was a conveniently dead guy and basicly lied about inheritable diseases. And yet she wrangled a promise of no other contact from me. and she never even told me her maiden name.
My plan was to introduce myself to my sisters after she died.
I did a dna test at Ancestry.com a few weeks ago. Results came back, I'm very Irish, British, basicly Celtic and oh by the way it connected me to my uncle and sister. Curiously I got just as many 4th+ cousin connections to my adoptive dad's tree a I did to the guy bm says is dad. It's the Irish, they're all connected.
Here's the question, do I respond if uncle/sister contact me or do i pull the bandaid and contact them and blow bm's cover?
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Comments
If you already knew about
If you already knew about your sisters outside of your bio-mom I'm not sure why you feel your promise never to contact HER again has anything to do with contacting your sisters.
Plus, it was 45 years ago. She can get over whatever skeletons are hanging in her closet.
Is this a case of being
Is this a case of being hardwired for loyalty to bm no matter how slim the connection has been? Holy shit! I skidded!
I had a semi-close friend who
I had a semi-close friend who gave a child up for adoption. She kept her second (and last kid) who has developmental disabilities. We are no longer friends for certain reasons. If she is not willing to give you truthful reasons for things, go. Find out what you want and need to know.
My own mother was adopted. She was told at a fairly young age (12) and felt no need to find out anything about her family. I found out after both of my boys were born. OBS was 8 and YBS was 4. Totally pissed me off because of the health issues YBS had.
I lost my only sibling about a week ago. I had contact with his two eldest children. Both are mentally impaired due to my brother's issues and their momma's issues plus the neglect after she snatched them and split.
Find things out. Then you will know things. I wish I had known about the health issues before I had both of my bios. I got off lucky as they are both healthy boys physically, but I worry about the inherited mental shit....
I would wait a while and see
I would wait a while and see if they contact you first. Your uncle probably knows about you and may put two and two together. Be careful and prepared for rejection. If the sister doesn't know you exist, she might be in a state of denial. You could be totally surprised with acceptance though. Just give it a minute.
BM's Morman, would my
BM's Morman, would my popping up cause her problems with her church?
Bite me. You have never been
Bite me. You have never been without bio family and have no idea how it is. When you don't have basic health information. When you've been told by court clerks and others to let it go, get over it. The judge didn't see it that way when he opened my records 10 years ago.
When you've always been an only kid and now have the prospect of sisters. Understanding the possibility of rejection is high, so I'm trying to go carefully.
I asked on this forum because we as sm's deal with aspects of adoption dynamics, daily.
I inadvertently created a situation where bm will be exposed, just looking for opinions on how to handle it.
You have a right to know your
You have a right to know your siblings if that's what you choose, and I wish you much luck if that is what you decide to do.
Does anyone else here work
Does anyone else here work for an agency that does adoptions etc. and have experience in this field? I do. Was just wondering how much credibility someone may have before they can tell another person what is right or wrong, whether it's about morality or abiding by legal processes.
I know I'm a day late on this
I know I'm a day late on this and maybe no so much advice as my experience and how my family handled this... Years ago my grandmother passed away and it was up to me (the youngest of course) to go through her paperwork, etc. I had found a file with letters from State saying "you have 60 days to respond before the adoption file is closed". It was addressed to my mother but sent to my grandmothers. At the time the letters were sent we did not live in the same state as my grandmother. I closed the file and called my mother as I swear to this day I was adopted LOL.
My mother quickly had told me that she had son between my sister and I and gave him up for adoption when he was born. My grandmother did not want anyone to know and hid the letters from her. She felt this would shame the family. My adopted brother (call him Bro) was trying to find her since he turned 18.
My mother gave me permission to contact the state for his details. Within 24 hours I was talking to Bro. He stated that he DID NOT CARE what happened or what anyone else felt, but he was coming the next day with his wife and 5 kids to meet someone. I let him know nicely that he would meet me but it was up to my mother and brother and sister if they would and that I had to break the news to them.
Breaking the news to my sister was HELL. She really didnt even ask questions, just kinda glared at me and when she found out that he had kids stated "well there goes Christmas" (my mother spoils us). My brother lives 2,000 miles away and really didn't have anything to say except "we may have the same mother but doesn't make him family" .
All of this was really hard on my mom and I didn't know if she was going to make it through but I was proud of both her and Bro. My sister, mom and myself all went and met him and his family. We have all kept in touch but I did warn him that as I understand you waited 40 years to meet her you WILL CARE on how the rest of us feel as we care how you feel. If I didn't I would have not given him any information on us at all.
The medical issue is very important! My mother has Thrombophlebitis. His birth father passed away but I know the birth fathers widow who I contacted and explained the situation. She knew of Bro's birth and his birth father would have loved to meet him but asked that we kept the information from his other kids. She gave me birth fathers medical information. Bro is aware that he has other siblings from birth father but does not want to meet them.
I know this was probably just rambling but there are always more than two sides in situations like this. Even if my mother had not wanted anything said to anyone else, I would have met him. My sister and my brother have also gotten to know him and his family and even though it was rough in the start we are all very happy.