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SD becoming friends with kids in my family? Oh hell no...

LRP75's picture

Submitted by LRP75 on Sun, 10/14/2012 - 5:23pm

So my cousin and her husband are foster parents. They have recently taken in and will be adopting this really amazing 12 year old African American girl (I'll call her "J"). Seriously, this girl is amazing. Talk about resiliency...

Anyway, my H gets this bright idea, in front of SD, to suggest that I call my cousin to find out if SD and "J" can hang out together. SD gets pretty stoked about it. Me? Not so much. :O

I did call and talk to my cousin, and my cousin was kind of down for it, but we both have our concerns. On both sides. "J" has her own issues as well.

Ultimately, I decided - and informed my H of my decision - that I didn't want SD hanging around with the kids in my family. That my decision is based on the fact that I not only don't trust SD, but that I don't trust him either.

SD's behavior is shady at best. She's NOT a nice little girl. She's evil, conniving, manipulative, a liar, and a thief. I don't trust her. If she were to do something in my cousins home - or to "J" - I would be absolutely mortified. No, I would feel BEYOND mortified.

On top of that, BM lives in the sticks. Their community is... uh... not "diverse." At all. BM and her "lovely" H have taught the skids the "N-word." One day last summer the skids were screaming, "YOU'RE A FUCKING N-word" at the top of their lungs while playing in a neighbors pool. I, literally, almost shit my pants. I couldn't get away from them fast enough. Holy hell...

Given all of this, WHY would I want to bring SD into MY family-fold and subject "J" to that? I have no idea how SD would react to being introduced to an African American girl to hang out with. Let alone, I don't know how BM would react. I find it absolutely absurd that I would have to worry about that. I mean, seriously it's 2012 - who the fuck is ignorant enough to be racist anymore??? :?

I understand that SD needs to learn acceptable behavior in a diverse world and that people are people, but honestly, I don't want her learning it on "my dime" - so to speak.

Ok, so combine all of that with the fact that my H doesn't have the balls to hold his children responsible for their behavior, nor will he step-up to do the right thing when they do some shitty thing - again, why would I want to subject MY family to that? My H has damaged his relationships with everyone in his family (including with me) because of the way his children act and his unwillingness to actually parent them. WHY the hell would I risk having MY relationships with MY family being damaged?

The writing is on the wall, and it says, "ARE YOU NUTS?? IT WILL END IN DISASTER!!!"

So yeah... that was a "fun" conversation to have with my H. Not.

He's currently pissed off at me and won't talk to me.

Oh well. The Season Premiere of The Walking Dead is on tonight so all else matters naught to me. Wink

Comments

LRP75's picture

Submitted by LRP75 on Mon, 10/15/2012 - 6:03am

If I were allowed to participate in parenting these children, then I would have a conversation with SD re: racism, etc. However, I'm not. My H wants no "help" from me at all and has demonstrated over and over again that he is just going to parent his way - even if that means not parenting at all.

My H is NOT a racist in any way, shape, or form and he does talk to his kids about it - extensively, but there has been no huge intervention such as that which I would do. If they were MY children and someone was teaching them hate - I'd call that person up and have a very, very serious conversation with them. Personally, I would have made it 100% clear to BM that I would not tolerate her teaching the kids to be racist.

But WTF do I know. Right?

Thus, I won't make it MY mission to make sure those children are being taught better. I wish I could. But it's a fruitless endeavor all the way around. I guess there are ways that I do - I do talk about racism and how wrong it is when the kids are around but who knows if they are even listening. In the meantime, I'll be damned will I throw some innocent child ("J") under the bus just to try to teach SD a lesson on tolerance, etc. If SD was a nicer child and not so fucked up in so many other ways, that would be a different story. But that's just not the case.

The ugly truth of the matter is: BM and my H are doing those children a HUGE disservice in A LOT of ways - and I have zero control over it. I have been relegated to the side-lines watching the train wreck as it occurs.

All that I can and will do is protect anyone who I can against having to be subjected to their crap.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sun, 10/14/2012 - 6:52pm

I would point it out to him that as J is of a different race and his daughter is being raised as a white supremist then play-dates will not be happening. Once his daughter learns how to behave with people of ALL ethnic backgrounds then the situation can be readdressed.

Basically you are handing it right back at him to change his daughter. Honestly, this will not be the first time and nor the last that his daughter's lack of social skills and mode of behaviour prevents her from interacting with others.

not.the.crazy.one's picture

Submitted by not.the.crazy.one on Mon, 10/15/2012 - 7:28am

I don't blame you one bit.

A childhood friend of mine was coming over with his beautiful, sweet tempered, lovely little girl (I seriously love this kid), to play with the skids. I warned him ahead of time about how skids are. They hit each other and can be really mean to each other. I mean these two will WAIL on each other. I used to get onto them about it all the time, but DH never does and obviously neither does BM. I told DH if they hit my friend's little girl I was gonna be pissed and I would punish them if he agreed or not.

They behaved ok, but since then my friend hasn't brought his daughter back over. She seemed really uncomfortable with skids and spent most of her time with me in the kitchen on my lap.