H and his insane desires to spoil his kid at everyone else's expense
So my H drops a bomb on me tonight:
"Now that you are working again and we have more money, I want to pay for SS to play soccer with one of those elite soccer teams."
Me: "Um. NO."
Ok, so my H already pays $1k per month in CS. He already cannot afford this home, utilities, the cost of living, etc. without my income. Without MY income, because of how much he pays in CS, he would be living in his parents basement again.
I swear to God, I lost my mind.
The answer is not just no, it's Hell No.
I asked him just how many sacrifices the rest of the family has to make for his children.
My son needs new shoes, new clothes, new glasses, oral surgery, and his Rx's filled. My son lives with his dad, who has been carrying the full financial burden while I concentrated on my education, but now that I have graduated and have a job in my field, I absolutely have to start carrying my share of the financial aspect. My H promised that he was going to support my son and I while I went to school, but then his support order was raised and I had to get a part-time job AND cram 92 credits into 5 semesters.
My insurance from my new job kicks in on January 14th and not a day too soon. I already have the appointments scheduled.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel that the $1k per month in support, which equates to 40% of his income, already goes to supporting his children. We support them in our home AND BM's house since she doesn't work.
I asked him if he thought BM was going to contribute 50% (from what money? The CS money we already pay? Seriously?) and he said that, "It's something that I want to do above and beyond."
Um. Fuck no. Fuck no. Fuck no.
I blew a casket. I said, "So you already can't afford the running of the house without my income. We require 75% of MY income to keep our heads above water. THEN, MY income is expected to go into fixing up the house. It's MY income that we always fall to in order to go to the movies, buy ourselves clothes, etc. AND it's MY income that is needed in order to take care of my son. So at what fucking point do you think that the rest of us have made enough sacrifices while your kids get to have everything?"
He brought up how I bought a new concealed carry gun. Um, because I go into the bowels of Detroit for my job. WTF.
He brought up how I have been taking my son to the movies, etc.
I said, "I fucking knew it. I fucking NEW IT! Me and MY SON have been making sacrifices up the ass while i went to school. Now that I have a job, and I am spending $50 a weekend taking him out, buying him clothes, going to the movies, etc. I FUCKING KNEW that you would use that as some warped twisted ass fucking excuse to spend even MORE on your kids! So what if I spend $50 taking my kid out for the weekend - it's a drop in the bucket to the $1k per month that bleeds out of this house for your kids! AND you take them to do shit on the weekends that they are here! Let me spend $1k per month on my kid first THEN we can talk about how much above and beyond that you want to spend on your kid!!!!"
OMG I am going to lose my fucking mind.
So yeah. He pays $1k per month in CS. Can't afford to this house on his own. And he thinks that he can just make some fucking assumption that ALL of MY income is going to support him in this house so that his kid can live some fucking soccer dream????
Fuck that shit!!!
Not to mention that SS is the kid that is a total fucking asshole every time he comes into this house!!!! No fucking way am I AT ALL interested in making ANY more sacrifices for that kid.
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Comments
Haha! No advice necessary!
Haha! No advice necessary! You got this dealt with! Good for you girl!
what an asshole. i hate how
what an asshole. i hate how they resort to bringing up something completely unrelated to the issue to try to make themselves right. as if your son doesn't deserve anything extra ever, so his can have it all. sorry asswad, that's NOT how it works.
OMG exactly Bi. Exactly. I
OMG exactly Bi. Exactly.
I seriously KNEW that he was going to pull some shit like this when I started taking my kid out to do stuff on the weekends that he comes here. I fucking KNEW it.
Like my kid can't have anything without his having 100x better.
Fuck that. No. No. NO.
I just looked it up, that soccer team that he is talking about costs $1700 per session, plus uniform, travel expenses (all over the state), and tournament fees.
That puts the registration fee at another $142.00 per month going out of this house to do something for the skids.
If my H feels that he has an additional $142.00 per month, then why the fuck am I paying the electrical bill?????
So draw up a budget. If he
So draw up a budget. If he spends at least 1000 a month on his kids then set aside that amount for your son. If he wants to spend an extra 500.00 on his kids per month- then again set that aside for your child. Then look at how much you have left. Then write down all the bills and see if you can pay them. I perhaps he needs to see things in black and white. He may very well want his kid to be in travel soccer. Maybe he needs to go begging to bm to pay it then. Maybe he needs to accept that this is the reality of divorce.
I agree it's ridiculous. My ss and ds both played elite soccer. We paid all of ss's fees- however bm ended up kinda getting screwed as they scheduled all the games on an every other weekend basis. Which just happened to be her weekend. She had some significant travel distances, parking fees, concessions for an entire day since there were often multiple games. It really s a huge expense as well as a huge time suck.
We have a budget. He just
We have a budget. He just figured that I should rework the budget to make that happen. Nope. Not going to happen.
I absolutely REFUSE to drain MY bank accounts because HE has a support order of $1k per month. THAT is HIS responsibility, NOT MINE.
If at the end of the month I have $500 left over in discretionary money, I am the one who gets to decide how that is spent, if at all. And if I want to spend all $500 of it on MY KID, then that is exactly what I will do.
I will NOT allow my H to look at that $500 and say, "$350 of that is going to pay for SS to play elite soccer."
Even if he pays that $350 out of his bank account, that would mean that I am paying $350 more in utilities or bills somewhere else in order to pick up the slack.
Not. going. to. do. it.
You are 100% percent correct
You are 100% percent correct in ur thinking...and I applaud you!
He can go above and beyond, once he pays his 50% to ur household.
I always wonder, if my SO /your husban/these dads pay out such any, how they would react if we decided to spoil and spend that exact amt on the kids IN the house on a monthly basis. Which would mean I set aside child support to specifically pay for things my kid wants. Hmmm.
OMG I can't tell you how
OMG I can't tell you how tempted I have been!!!!
EXACTLY!!! Especially since
EXACTLY!!! Especially since BM does. not. work.
So that money doesn't just support the kids, but it supports BM as well.
She contributes NOTHING. EVER.
My dh pays more than that and
My dh pays more than that and we have 50% custody. Nothing like double dipping for one kid.
Oh LRP...I can see my SO
Oh LRP...I can see my SO doing this as soon as I finish school. I read him your blog & now knows EXACTLY how I feel about the subject.
I'm sorry your DH is being a dill weed! Sounds like you handled it perfectly
I feel ill over it.
I feel ill over it.
Don't make yourself sick over
Don't make yourself sick over this...you've had a nasty couple of days!
Hopefully, you guys will get caught up with bills sooner rather than later so that you can sit down & play with setting up a budget. Maybe if he sees everything on paper, he'll understand that no, you don't have enough to throw MORE at SS, even if you are spending a little bit on YOUR son every once in awhile.
Do you pay CS for your
Do you pay CS for your child?
If not, why not set that up with your XH, and then you won't have as much disposable income to spend?
Also, if you just recently began working, how did you afford the house and bills if DH doesn't make enough? And HOW did he get saddled with a CS order that is 40% of his income for one kid??
No, I don't pay support for
No, I don't pay support for my son. My H and I have always just paid 50% for everything, because I have always worked. He agreed to take on all financial responsibility so that I could resign from my job while I went to school and then subsequently got a job in my new field. It was a huge sacrifice and very, very nice for him to do. Now that I've got a job, he rightfully expects me to start helping out again. I don't feel it necessary to set up support in order to avoid having disposable income. My H is just going to have to realize that he has no rights to MY disposable income simply because he doesn't have any.
We were able to *barely* financially survive while I went to school because I picked up a part-time job and I had several scholarships that helped cover our living expenses. Once I graduated, those scholarships (of course) ended, which put us in a severe need for me to get a job a.s.a.p. Fortunately, I got a job and started working within 2 months of graduating. In the interim, we fell behind on utilities, etc. Now that I am working, we can get caught back up and stay ahead of the game.
By the way, I crammed 92 credits into 5 semesters so that I graduate as fast as humanly possible.
My H has 2 children, a set of twins. And HOW did amount of CS happen? Well, that is Michigan's wonderful Income Shares Model for Child Support. BM doesn't work, which means that he has to pay more because she has no income to contribute to off-set the formula. The court will not force her to work, even though she has a $35-40k per year earning potential. The judge involved just, won't, make her work. REGARDLESS of the fact that the law written to be applied evenly to both parties involved. BM lives in a county with a judge that is very, very pro-BM. THAT is another story altogether for sure.
I did 18 semester credits a
I did 18 semester credits a semester, so that's 90 in 5...crazy schedule. I agree.
Honestly, I think you should set up CS based on your income. I think it's right and fair. I don't think you should get a "pass" because you're the mom. Doing so would not only have you provide for and support your son, but it would also reduce your disposable income.
Your XH sounds like an angel. I think both parents should support their children. Sorry.
The courts didn't make the BM in my situation work, either. That's why we got to keep paying CS even WITH full custody of SD.
OH!! and tell DH to pound sand on the elite soccer thing. I have kids in elite sports right now, and there are LOTS of expenses that aren't even accounted for in all the other stuff. Hell no.
I don't get a pass on support
I don't get a pass on support because I am a mom.
My son lived with me for the first 15 years of his life - we have never had a support order. We both just took care of our son.
I think it's awesome that you
I think it's awesome that you and your ex were able to work this out for so many years. Sounds like you are both great parents.
I am fuming for her! Wow the
I am fuming for her! Wow the gall to even ask for that when he knows it will take directly from the house.
I just don't get it with the dads that also feed into the sense of entitlement. After being on this site all day as I am in my room while Disney Dad plays with his DD, I am seeing the parents are totally at fault for raising these kids to believe that just because they WANT they should have. I trust the kid has no idea where the funds would come from if he were to participate in this. Or would he care?
I am pissed for you LRP75!
I assure you, my SS would NOT
I assure you, my SS would NOT care where that money came from. Just so long as he was getting his. For real.
That's awful...and I'm sure
That's awful...and I'm sure Dear old Dad will get the credit IF there is any to be squeezed out of SS.
After the fiasco with your parents getting them gifts and them acting like it was pulling teeth to be gracious, my thought is you'd probably get none.
Isn't that the truth, been
Isn't that the truth, been there and done that too and there isn't much I can do about it but be pissed off is there? His money, his adult son that only comes around when he wants something.
To compound matters, my past
To compound matters, my past employer did a forced buy-out of my pension. They no longer want to hold it since I am no longer working there.
It's a hefty sum.
Out of that money I am paying off some windows for the house that we had to finance. As well as paying off the washer and dryer that we had to buy.
AND he wants to remodel the kitchen and bathroom with that money. Which I am not really opposed to, just so long as all my sons needs have been met first. And some of the needs that I have been going without get met first too.
And you know what, YES, I want to have some fun with that money too. I worked for my last employer for 14 years. I earned that money. It's MY money. I will do with it what I will. I don't mind, at all, using the money on the house, but I DO mind being forced to use it so that he can spend even more on his kid.
AND then he has the nerve to bring this up??
OH HELL TO THE FUCK NO is MY retirement going to support him even more so that he can spend even MORE money on his ungrateful heathens.
Especially considering that BM contributes nothing and pitches a bitch and pulls us into court for a CS recalculation if she even so much catches wind that one of us got a new pair of underwear. Because clearly if we can afford new underwear, my H can afford to pay more in CS.
Also especially considering the way that child acts every time he comes into this home. OMG I have nightmares about how the kid looks at people, sneers up his face, sticks his tongue out, and tells people, "shut up!" OMG it makes me want to punch him in his face. He is the rudest, entitled little ego-maniac I have ever met.
:sick:
Ummm... if you had 14 years
Ummm... if you had 14 years of retirement contribution with a forced buy out, why not roll it into an IRA or something? Not only are you paying huge penalties, but you're losing all those years of saving for retirement.
WOW...just...wow! I'm
WOW...just...wow! I'm curious about something, when these BMs drag dad's to court for whatever, who ends up paying court and attorney fees when (in my case) she doesn't work and let her tell it, she can't afford to do anything extra. She hasn't done it yet but I sense a summons coming soon. He paid for all attorney fees for himself, her and mediator's fees in their divorce way back when. Will he end up paying again if she gets a wild hair up her hairy, lazy, buckets of ice cream eating ass and takes him back to court?
She actually has 4 children,
She actually has 4 children, including the twins. 3 pregnancies, 3 different fathers.
Last I heard, she gets support for the first and she is living with the father (maybe married to?) of her last spawn.
And yes, they are on Medicaid and she has her hand out for every "free" thing she can get from the tax payers. And yes, the judge is just fine with that.
I would pay off one of those
I would pay off one of those bills and put the rest in a COLLEGE fund for your son, or roll it. That way, the spending doesn't become his option. Let him finance the remodel. That is your retirement, and you alone worked for that, and set it aside.
As you can see, I have a hard time putting my money into other peoples pockets. Don't know how long u guys have been together, but you worked for it. Don't sink into a house where there is no ROI.
DH and I have this issue as
DH and I have this issue as well. I feel like my son gets shafted because BM refuses to pay for anything. Ever. Shes pissed because the judge did not order child support. He said they each make roughly the same amount and they have 50/50 custody.
DH and I have bought every single pair of shoes SS has had in the last 5 years. SS needed New shoes I told DH to tell BM to get them. 3 months later still no New shoes. So I go to JCP and get him a pair of basic New balance shoes. SS has issues with the grow plates in his feet so he needs shoes with really good support. DH said "these aren't Nike walking shoes." I said "look I'm not trying to be mean but I'm not putting out 80-90 dollars every few months for new shoes for SS. Our DS needs new clothes asap his pants are all too short and his shirts are starting to show his belly when he lifts his arms, I can't wait any longer to buy him her clothes. So SS can live with plain ol' New balance."
Also I'm getting an overage from school since I'm taking 5 classes instead of 6 and he is already planning on how he's going to spend it on crap for him and SS. Uh no its mine and DS and I will get what we need and want first since you are always doing for SS. I haven't told him that but the money is going in my account and I'm the only one with a card to the account.:-)