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New to stepparenting..annoyed and need help

LPonn35's picture

It sounds like a lot of SM's on these blogs have a lot in common with me. I have been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and he has 2 kids, 4 and 8 that I was introduced to 9 months ago.  At first I thought being a step parent might be a fun experience, then I realized a couple months later that I could not handle most situations with them. I love my sig. other but I do not have feelings for the kids. They are nice, but they have no manners, they're hyper, they are constantly chattering with each other and  entertaining each other, and they are loud most of the time. They also want constant attention from their dad and he is always coddling them. They have to sleep together and the 8 year old gets scared when he's left alone in his bed with his 4 year old sister. I heard that their mother still allows them to sleep with her and not in their own beds. The 8 year old can't handle anything on his own, he can't even put in a bowl in the sink or feed himself half of the time,and needs help getting ready for school every morning. I can't get away from them and have to sit away from them most of the time because I know they'll want to play and ask me 5 times. I feel  trapped in the house and feel like there's no outlet to escape them. I have severe anxiety and they cause it to get worse and worse. The tension headaches get so bad that my veins pop out of the sides of my head. They have no respect when it comes to  an adult other than their parents, they will just talk over you mid-conversation.  My boyfriend insists they are good kids. The truth is they are so spoiled by their biological mother. Their mom buys them everything they want. They ask me to buy them toys and candy every time we go out to the store, or ask when we are going to take them to dinner. They think money is unlimited. I work so hard for everything I have and I am not wealthy. I pay for their meals sometimes to be nice, but they expect things to be paid for. I think they will have big problems in the future if their ways aren't changed now. My boyfriend pushes me moving in with him and the kids and I'd have to move an hour away form home and find a new job. I think the children may cost us the relationship and its sad. I need any personal advice/psychological advice out there. Thanks for reading this.

Comments

beebeel's picture

Do not move in with him. If it's this bad now, it will be 10 times worse living with it with no escape. Don't even consider moving in unless he starts parenting. 

LPonn35's picture

Thanks for reading. I need all the advice in the world.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, don't move in. Do.Not.Move.In.

Bring up all of your concerns, and if your BF's answer is "they are good kids!" and he can't hear or care what you need, then you know.

For this to work, he has to parent his kids, respect your right to NOT parent his kids or do ANYTHING for his kids other than what you choose to do. And he has to put you and your needs first in the relationship, not those of his kids.  He may have to care for them, but he needs to respect your needs and feelings too.  Sounds like you are a long way from there.

LPonn35's picture

Yea, I greatly agree with you that he needs to put my needs ahead of the kids.  He told me he puts me first but it doesnt feel like it,especially when he breaks off the conversation to answer the child's comments. I feel like if their behaviors don't change i am not moving there and I need a logical explanation for their actions. We are going to talk to a psychologist individually. I need answers Thanks for the help.

tog redux's picture

The hard part comes when you don't agree with his parenting, and it has an impact on you. While you don't have to parent, you also don't get to tell him how to parent - BUT, you do have the right to set boundaries on their behavior as it affects you.

So it's fine to say, "Excuse me, SS, you just interrupted me, Dad will answer your question when he's done talking to me,"  And if that pisses off your BF, you have a problem.  So in other words, while you can't really say, "I want you to teach them not to interrupt me!", you can say, "I will not allow them to interrupt me," and he will have to deal with you setting limits.

You can't make him make them behave at the dinner table, but you can get up and move your food elsewhere to eat if they are bothering you.

Hope the difference there is clear.  You do have the right to say, "I can't move in there until your kids are better-behaved in the following ways ..."

LPonn35's picture

Thanks, that line really helps about interrupting. And I try not to eat with them most of the time anyway because they usually get up and disrupt the dinner. Thanks.

Curious Georgetta's picture

No, you need to put your needs ahead of his kids. If your needs are not being met in this  relationship, then you should leave and find a more compatible relationship.

Sometimes, you have to take people as you find them and decide if what you have found is what you want and need.

You are unhappy with what you found, that is an indicator that you need to keep looking.

 

pickles45's picture

I agree do NOT move in!!! I loved my SO so much and wanted to move in with him. We did after dating for 2 years. We have been living together for the past 2. I keep thinking of the saying "Be careful what you wish for!". I wish to God we were still dating and living in our own places. 

You line - "I feel  trapped in the house and feel like there's no outlet to escape them. I have severe anxiety and they cause it to get worse and worse. The tension headaches get so bad that my veins pop out of the sides of my head." This is me every other weekend and Wed nights when my SO's daughter is here!!! 

LPonn35's picture

Thanks for replying. I cringe everytime I think I have to see them and spend time with them. 2 children together is like double anxiety. I feel like I have to look over my shoulder every second of the day because they get into my belongings and break into the shower/bathroom when I'm in there. I have none of this stress at home. 

LPonn35's picture

Really, I'm not sure if he's terrible, he does correct them. But he's afraid to discipline them in front of me. I told him to JUST DO IT.

tog redux's picture

If they are breaking into your stuff and you have to watch your back every minute of the day, he's not a good parent. Correcting them is pointless if it doesn't bring about change.

LPonn35's picture

Yes I agree. There are many changes that need to be brought about or I'm not going into that house.

hereiam's picture

My boyfriend pushes me moving in with him and the kids and I'd have to move an hour away form home and find a new job.

No, no, no, do not move in, especially if you have to give everything up (like your job). You will regret it. I mean, these kids get on your nerves now, can you imagine living there? Not to mention, most men who push for their GFs to move in, have ulterior motives, like expecting YOU to parent the kids and/or help them out financially.

NO.

LPonn35's picture

I think he just wants me to LOVE them, and I just don't yet. I may never love them and he pushes it.  AND he wants me to help them with him all the time. All he talks about is their activities and it drives me insane, its more about them than us.

tog redux's picture

The red flags are flying here.

This is not the guy for you. You may never love them.  In fact, given what feral beasts they are, it's more likely you will HATE them than love them.  And it's not your job to parent or help with them at all.

I think your BF is looking for a replacement mom, not a partner.

susanm's picture

How long have you been together?  When you are with him, do you feel like you are on a date or a playdate with him and the skids?  Do you get the feeling that he wants a substitute mom for them more than a wife for himself?  Find out and proceed with caution!  But definitely don't move in for a good long time.

LPonn35's picture

1 1/2 years we've been together. I feel like going out is ok, except I usually take the little one to the bathroom every 45 minutes. and they spill drinks or wont eat most of the time. If they sit next to each other they touch each other and bicker the whole time. Its annoying. I tell them to keep their hands to themselves but they dont listen. In the house we cant really talk too much in front of them and the little one follows him around. They need constant instruction and are super needy.

susanm's picture

That is not being on a date.  That is parenting.  How long did you actually date before you became co-parent with him?  Do you ever have any time together without the kids?  

LPonn35's picture

We dated 7 months before I met the kids. I barely spend any time alone with him. Maybe one and half days a week if I'm lucky. The relationship was great before the kids now I'm scared things are strained. 

susanm's picture

The "bait and switch."  There are several of us on here that can relate.

pickles45's picture

My SO made me feellike the most important person in the world. Someone he truly loved. He was romantic, funny, sweet. Now its constant stress and bickering.

LPonn35's picture

Not sure . i think he does want a mom for them. All he talks about is being a "unit" and correcting them "together". And the 4 year old asks me if I'm a mom and if I could be a mom...I'm not sure about that and why she asks this but it scares me!

tog redux's picture

Yeah, this is not good.

The most reasonably happy stepparents on here seem to be ones who were never pulled into the direct parenting at all. 

They are HIS kids and it's his job to parent them, not yours.  You can be like a fun aunt, and help out here and there, but ALL the parenting is on him.  If you aren't up for being a parent to these kids, let him know that now.

elkclan's picture

I do direct parenting for my SSs when they are here. But I have a bioson their age and they are thick as thieves, so if I'm parenting one, I'm parenting all. Also my SO does not expect me to do more with his kids than he does for mine. He pulls more than his weight parenting wise and household chore wise.

It's totally different if you have no kids yourself and you have a partner who doesn't shoulder his part of making the household run. 

SteppedOut's picture

Imho this is not the relationship for you. 

He IS looking for a replacement mommy. Also, he keeps telling you he puts you first, he keeps telling you they are good kids....but neither is true. Maybe if he tells you both things enough times he will wear you down into believing them, eh? 

Actions speak way louder than words. You already know what the actions are saying.

Now is the time to make your decision, before you waste any more life on things you do not like. 

MurphysLaw's picture

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT MOVE IN!!!! 

He is looking for a Live In Nanny to Cook, Cock & Clean for these little Monsters!!!

You will lose:

Your Independence 

Your Free Time 

Your Hard Earned Money

and Your GD MIND

Your Health WILL SUFFER 

And YOU WILL BE STUCK THERE!!!!

Pleeeese DONT DO IT!

elkclan's picture

They expect things to be paid for them?? What is wrong with those kids? They should put their hands in their pockets... after all they are perfectly capable of earning an honest living...

Oh wait - they're 4 and 8. OF COURSE they expect things to be paid for for them! 

You don't have to pay if you don't want to - but they can't. 

If you're out and they ask for stuff. Say no. I know it's hard. But the first time I spent time alone with YSS I was giving him money to play stupid penny gambling games. But we were on holiday, it is the kind of thing I'd do for my son on holiday. I straight up told him that while I was happy to do it, he didn't know me very well so he shouldn't get the impression I'm like that all the time and it wouldn't be that way when we weren't on vacation. I'm also cheap like his dad. :-) 

It's on dad to get an 8yo to put a bowl in the sink. They are capable, but if they haven't been told to (about one hundred million times) they won't. 

Your resentment is misplaced. It's on the dad if he is basically expecting you to take over child care. 

Aunt Agatha's picture

You sound like a lovely person.  Don’t put your future at risk for this mess.  There is a forest of red flags waving here. 

Read Stepmonster (by Wednesday Martin).  Spend some time reading on these boards.  You’ll see the future with this guy.  Unruly kids become even more unruly teens.  

All indications are that he wants you as a replacement mom.  

For the love of all that is good, do not move in with this man and his feral offspring!

 

LPonn35's picture

I agree with you that things will only get worse as they age. They are going to want more and more. And they little girl is very sassy and questions things when I tell her to do something. They are super needy too. I tell my bf they are going to be bad teens in the future and I think hes recognizing that.

Step-girlfriend's picture

So imagine your stress now, and then multiply it by 10 if you lived with your SO and skids. I struggle, and it's really hard...but it sounds like this affects you even more than me. You would not be able to handle living with them all. There's no shame in saying that a relationship with skids is too much. There are moments I feel that way too, but skids here do not act like yours (I couldn't handle that), so I know I have it better than most.

I don't think this is the guy for you.

LPonn35's picture

You're right....I dont feel ashamed or bad. you gotta take care of yourself and your needs. I didnt birth these children. I shouldnt have to feel  responsible for their actions.

LPonn35's picture

They expect things to be bought ...new games, new dolls whatever. The minute they come out in the store. They do this habit because theyre mother just buys them whatever they think they want. Or they cry if they dont receive.

Evil3's picture

As a veteran SM who has 23 years in the game with feral SKs (they are now 29 and 27), I can promise you that things won't get better. If anything, they get worse. Do not move in! Also, it's not that the brats are spoiled at the BM's. Many SMs or dads blame the BM, because quite a few Disney dads will say that there's no point in correcting the feral beasts since their mother spoils them. Many Disney dads are so afraid that the precious beings won't want to come to Dad's house that they refuse to set limits. These dads totally abdicate their role/importance of dad and live according to their deeply rooted assumption that they count as nothing compared to the all-mighty BM who can influence Poopsie to abandon Dad at the drop of a hat and next thing you know, you get out-of-control, extremely spoiled, feral, filthy brats. It wasn't long before I actually hated my SKs' guts with a passion. I got interrupted constantly too and I was the one that had to stop dead in my tracks and shut the hell up because the superior beings (age 5 and 7 at the time) have spoken. If I addressed anything, DH would rip my head off and sh*t down my throat to defend them or he would come up with some lame justification that they're good kids, and he only wants a fun house. He'd totally downplay just how horrible the brats were to be around. It's been 23 years and I developed daily brutal tension headackes and heart palpitations despite being an athlete and heavily into nutrition and fitness. I honestly thought I was going to drop dead of a heart attack when my feral SKs were teens.

My SD was a mini-wife on steroids and I couldn't get near my DH. His words and actions never matched, because he claimed he put us first, but he sure as hell didn't. Boys can be mini-spouses too, so don't discount the adult spousal status if your SKS are boys.

My SKs were horribly behaved kids throughout their childhoods. Overly coddled kids do not launch when their peers do, if ever (I had to pull a major stunt, like buying another home and moving to get the hell away from them when one was in his mid 20s). Please don't make the mistake of counting down until your SKs are 18. They're not going anywhere.

It is your SO who is the problem. He could still have rules and limits at his house. I'm a child of divorce and my parents shared custody at a time when that wasn't even heard of. I adjusted fine. I simply knew what rules took place at which parent's house and it was not a big deal at all, so if your SO is blaming the BM on why he is the one who can't parent or what's the point, then he's snowing you. Do not fall for it.

I'm 53, so if you're young enough to be my DD, I would advise you to run fast and run far and get the hell out of that shit-show. If you're getting such bad tension headaches now, just wait until you move in with them.

LPonn35's picture

Good question....I love him. No love for the kids, starting to hate. I want to back out every other day. Its stressful.

Evil3's picture

I'm still with DH, but that's because for so long, I was a co-dependent and didn't understand that. I also bought into putting brats first, because I thought that's what made a person a good parent and I thought it would make me a noble SM. I also suffered a ton of rejection in my past and was hanging on for dear life to not get left. Well, that has all changed. I turned the tables and just do not allow certain behaviours in my house. I also will not be made out to be the interloper in my own marriage and I require a spouse-oriented marriage. I also have rules and have banned any adult that I'm not f*cking from living with me. LOL! DH is totally on board with that. Things have really changed, but I still have the memories of being in constant agony for 20 years.

LPonn35's picture

I feel like putting them kids first left me feeling like they are the priority. Really , dont ever do that , it is self- neglect. Your man will start putting their lives before yours and it only continues on. 

Evil3's picture

About four years ago, I lost my sh*t and that was one of the things I insisted on changing. If DH hadn't made the changes, I would have been long gone.

HowLongIsForever's picture

Agree with all the previous posts.  Do. Not. Move. In.

My SO has sporadic, fleeting bouts of guilty parenting.  We also have clashing parenting theories.  Skids are here 50/50.

Upwards of 90% of the time we are fine.  Not just fine but thriving.  The remainder is psychological thriller horror movie mental gymnastics for me.

I started off disengaged.  And with SOs support but maybe not full understanding of what that actually meant. 

Once in a while there is a perfect storm - carry over lunacy from BMs, meddling MIL, particularly rough work week for SO, skid cold, snow day, whatever.  It becomes a situation where I have to parent.  Not only skids but SO.  And I resent it like whoa.

Clashing parenting theories I can accept and work with (they aren't mine afterall). Flat out lazy or guilty parenting = no parenting theory = unacceptable.

We live together.  What SO does or doesn't do affects me and my home environment.  That wasn't the case when our home environments were separate.  I think about how things would be different if we had maintained separate residences.  It seemed silly and wasteful.  What I didn't realize was the cost was for my mental sanity.  Doesn't seem so silly and wasteful now.

That less than 10% of the time where things aren't okay - the cumulative effect means even as that percentage shrinks the damage will not simply decline in tandem.  It will take time beyond correction to heal the hurts and resentment.  I try to be realistic about how much and for how long before I have to back out.

Everything is supposed to be temporary.  When x or y happens things will get better, things will be right.  Even with SOs support, hard work and good intentions there's a chance we won't survive.  It sounds like at this point your SO won't entertain your concerns let alone address them.  That is a nonstarter.  It is tough even in the best of circumstances.  

 

 

LPonn35's picture

He thinks im extreme and so are my views. He tells me not to talk to anyone else about it but his counselor. Why amI being dragged into the middle of thing I should have to deal with? I cant help that his kids are messed up I feel bad for them that they are confused but I know what its like to have parents go through a divorce. He thinks they are special but they just are not!

HowLongIsForever's picture

My SO is willing to work with me.  And he's not defensive about it, either.  Which is why I'm willing to work with him - we are 5ish years in, 2 living together. It takes time to "blend." (I hate that phrase, by the way).

It's an uphill battle.  Sometimes we stumble.  Or forget to pace ourselves.  What SO never forgets is that I am not the mother of his children and we are separate people with separate needs even if we share a household.

Pushing you to mother the kids, isolating you from support, controlling the narrative, being combative, dismissive or argumentative when discussing your concerns are all signs of trouble - regardless of the existence of those kids.

His behaviors were always there, his kids being a catalyst for being more bold and blatant in displaying them is not uncommon.

Those kids aren't the issue(s) plaguing your relationship.  They are not the ones letting you down.  That lies solely with your SO.  

LPonn35's picture

I'm 35, never been married ,and no children. I've lived alone and with my mother for many years so I'm used to a quiet relaxed household. I am like you, an athlete who works out every day and I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack or stroke most of the time. He tells me I'm just obsessed with the idea. But really I'm just upset with the whole thing. My bf wants them to "have fun" in his house. They dont know the meaning of relax and calm down. I will be attending a college class in the fall and there's no way I would get any work done along with working a job. They wont leave me alone.

Want2's picture

Oh man. Here’s this woman with her veins popping out and he’s talking “unity” with her? Well obviously he’s desperate. Monsters or not these are his children and he should be looking out for them. Exposing them on such an intimate level to someone who doesn’t like them at all is bad enough but completely overlooking the dynamic is really bad.

OP I hope you leave him. He needs to look elsewhere for the surrogate mother.

LPonn35's picture

Right, THANK YOU. I  didnt birth these children. My mind suffers because of it. We had a strong relationship now there's not much left.  There's not much to talk about except the problems we're facing (or that I face) with the kids.  I dont feel I'm being "extreme" like he tells me. AND he tells me not to talk anyone else's advice...WTH??  I find myself irritated and upset about little things every day not used to be this way.

hereiam's picture

He doesn't want you taking anyone's advice because he knows what that advice would be. He knows what he wants and he doesn't want anyone talking you out of giving it to him. Those kids are not your responsibility, but he's determined to make it so.

If a relationship makes you feel like you are about to have a stroke, well, I'd say it's not the relationship for you!

While I understand the theory behind not meeting the kids right away, that also gives enough time for you to get comfortable in the relationship and even fall in love...without having all of the facts. It was enough time for you to think that you had a strong, good relationship, but now you are seeing the whole picture.

pickles45's picture

OMG! If I had known about this site years ago I don't think I would have even gone on a first date with my SO!!!!

LPonn35's picture

Same with me! I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. Now everything is hopeless and my heath and sanity is estranged. He just tells me in extreme in my views but I dont think its being extreme at all.

tog redux's picture

He's dismissing your feelings, not parenting his kids, pressuring you to "love them" and be a parenting unit with him ... what's to save here?

I am childless and had lived alone when I met DH.  SS was 10. DH was a good, strong parent, and he parented despite BM being permissive and letting SS do whatever he wanted.  He was the only parent in our home (not me), and he never allowed SS to disrespect me or our home.  He respected my right to disappear at times when I was stressed and he never demanded I love his son, just that I treat him with respect (I liked SS and we got along).  And still this has been stressful.

Please honor your gut feelings here.

 

LPonn35's picture

He parents them to an extent. His mom says they "love" me and "i better not go anywhere". And if I leave the kids will be more messed up. I feel like Im getting the guilt trip. I am a kid of divorce. I never felt insecure or scared as a kid. I accepted my parents and that they didnt care about each other. So  I don't know how the kids would be messed up because of me.

hereiam's picture

Geez, I feel like I'm watching this movie I saw a loooong time ago where a woman was basically held hostage and forced to be a parent to some kids.

Don't let anybody guilt you into staying in a relationship that is not working and that is wreaking havoc on your health. The kids will be fine.

tog redux's picture

I was thinking that too - this keeps getting weirder and more dark. 

BF says she's too extreme. FMIL says the kids will be destroyed if she leaves.  It's like some horror movie where everyone is luring the OP to her certain, grisly, painful death.

Sheesh, OP, no wonder you feel like you are going to stroke out.

 

LPonn35's picture

I do feel like I'm being held hostage. I guess Im just scared to be alone cause I really did care. He tells me he still loves me every day. But the whole thing just gets old. I feel like we just go back and forth about the same ideas all the time and get nowhere. I really want to walk away Im just scared.

tog redux's picture

You don't have to end the relationship.  Just let him know you aren't moving in. 

Do not let fear keep you in this terrible situation.

hereiam's picture

By being alone, you can have peace and quiet, make choces without someone questioning them or tying to talk you into something else, keep your sanity, keep your money, do what you want, when you want, and.... being alone makes you available for the right person.

You have your job, your workout routine, you will be starting classes and meeting new people, there is no need to be afraid of being alone. Consider it "you" time until you are ready to meet someone else.

Don't stay with him just because you don't want to be alone.

LPonn35's picture

Youre correct, I just may feel lost if I leave. But I need to get my life together too. Those children are not my life focus.

 

Harry's picture

Do you go away for the weekend alone?  Do you take vacations, alone ?  Or is it all about the Kids ?  Kid naturally want thing when you go to the store, they fight for entrainment. Your SO letting this happen and not correcting it makes him an Disney Farther.  Every thing for fun and games no matter what the cost.  Saying there not bad kids !.they may not be bad kids but he’s a bad father. 

Noyhing is going, this is how life is going to go except getting worst for you. He will be going out and you will be babysitting.  It will not be a $5 toy but a $70 video game, $1000 iPhone, opps I broke it and need a new one. $400. Gaming systems, college, weddings.  You will get a cheap wedding  and SK a royal one. Because you will be paying for it. 

Time to either except you will do all motherly duties for someone who one day will say “ I hate you “ or leave and find an man without kids.  At this time two years in you should be in a fog where everything is great, not feel the way you do.

LPonn35's picture

I feel like I didnt see the whole picture and its just sad I was lead into this without knowing. He made the kids out to be great loving perfect children.  Now I know better than to date a divorcee with children.

tog redux's picture

Not all men with children behave like this. The key is that he PARENTS his children and has realistic expectations for your part in their lives.

LPonn35's picture

Right I dont think he's being realistic about any of this, me moving there and making all the life changes. Its scares me to leave him and I dont know why that is.

ndc's picture

I think you're in the wrong situation for you.  I can't imagine anything is going to get better if you move in, and most likely it will get worse.  You don't enjoy these kids.  They're disruptive to you, and they're causing you anxiety.  Your boyfriend is NOT helping at all by telling you your views are extreme and you shouldn't talk with anyone about it.  Even if your views ARE extreme (and I'm not saying they are), they're YOUR views and you shouldn't have to change them.  His kids are just incompatible with the life you want to lead.  And that's OK, it just means you'll be living your life without this boyfriend.
If we were talking about older teenagers where you could tough it out for a couple years and they'd be gone, that'd be one thing.  But these are little kids who will be underfoot for a long time.

My SO has two little girls.  They are usually fairly well behaved and they're very polite, but they can be loud and boisterous - typical kids.  They get on my nerves sometimes, and they definitely make extra work for me.  But I really enjoy doing kid activities and spending time with them.  That makes it tolerable.  It doesn't sound like that's your situation.  That being the case, I don't think I'd rearrange my life for this guy.  I can't see things working out long term, I don't see your boyfriend being particularly supportive.  While life with him alone might be great, that's not what you get, and I think you'd be better off without the whole package.

LPonn35's picture

Yea Im scared I'll be bored or have nothing to do without him and may even be lost. I know being bored is ok and not a good reason to stay with someone. Its actually going to break my heart to leave. Getting sad writing this but Im really tired of my lifestyle this way.  Plus we drive over an hour to see each other in different states. Talk about hard! 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Dump him and run! It will never get better! He wants your money to fund his brats! Wake up, lady! Get out now while you still can!

capp1978's picture

I'm sorry to say but things will only get worse.  I'm sure you love you SO but if your this miserable now, it won't get any better.  Don't settle and be miserable the rest of your life.

Kiwi_koala's picture

If I could save one person from making the same mistake I made that would make me really happy. I moved in with my boyfriend at first because he told me due to his work schedule our relationship wouldn't work without me living there. I had been seeing him for about 10 months at this point but was only his girlfriend for one month. I wasn't ready to live with him.. not to mention I don't believe in living together before engagement. He told me we would get engaged within the next few months. I had a bad feeling about all of this. I thought it was a terrible idea but my beloved dog I grew up with had just died and I was devastated so I moved in. It was the worst 14 months of my life. His ex flipped out. Abandoned the kids at his place then was homeless. He wanted me to stop working to take care of them. I had such severe anxiety that I too felt like I was having a stroke. I got to the point where I didn't care if I lost my bf. I lost myself and was an anxious mess. I moved out 5 months ago and I couldn't be happier. 

Also, you seem like a sensitive person. I too am one. It's hard for people with sensitive nervous systems to be around small children with their constant noise and chaos. It can create anxiety. If you're boyfriend can't understand your need for space away from these kids it's going to destroy your relationship with them. I know it did for me with my boyfriend's kids as they're small too. He wanted me to be a parent just like yours wants you to be. If my bf would have accepted his status as a single parent and took care of all his responsibilities our relationship would be very different now.

Frustrated future SM's picture

Read my blog girl, I'm literally dealing with this same exact thing, only in my case there's a baby involved. I'd say to have a conversation and make it clear that he needs to start parenting and if he's afraid to lose you then he will. If he refuses, gaslights you, and gets defensive using comments like "you just hate my kids" then you need to be strong enough to walk away for good. The last thing you want is to end up pregnant and feeling stuck with this guy and his kids. I have a baby with my BF and I still refuse to live with him because of his kids, but he's actually starting to put his dad pants on so we'll see where things go from here.

Good luck!

Mommyundearest's picture

If you live there you are trapped with them.Your resources will pool.Responsibility will be dumped in your Lap.You will lose your sense of identity.You will be bitter and too poor to plan an escape I speak from experience.And why is it that with stepkids it's the older one who's always a helpless brat?Just say no to stepkids.

fairyo's picture

You've had a lot of messages all saying the same thing so I'll keep it short. These are the things you need to say to SO:

I am not going to move in with you- I would like us to have a grown-up relationship and you love your kids but I don't, I love you but I can'tlive with you.

I am not going to spend any money on them- they have two parents and I have no children, my money is my own to do what I like with...

I am not going to take them to the toilet, that is your job.

If you say these things and he understands that's great- if he doesn't he'll go looking for another mommy replacement and you will be free to get on with your life.

It worries me that you are frightened to end this relationship, but you live a distance away. Do you think he would come looking for you?

I find this alone a good reason for making the break- stop making excuses. Fear should not enter relationships and if it does it is a sure sign it has run its course.