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Help! I need advice:)

Loving Life 33's picture

Hello fellow Step Parents...this is my first blog post..I have several? ? but first a brief history..I met my boyfrend 19 mo ago..we r sooo in love n want to spend the rest of our lives 2gether..no doubt..He has a 7 yr old son..This boy is cute tall for his age smart and great sense of humor...I have no children..We want only 1 together soon..Now we both work we both pay bills..etc..we want the best life for all..I love our life but the only thing that gets me down is his sons condesending\rude mouth...Dad is pretty quick to correct his attitude..he tells him to stop making rude remarks..i dont say anything..This 7 yr old def says things from what he learns from Mom..he also has her sense of entitlement attitude too. I know i cant change his mom but what do i say wen hes rude..what is in my power and how to i approach him..cuz sometimes things he says really ruins my day n it makes me not like him..I fell terrible cuz i dnt love him yet..but i dont like him much either yet.. im trying..i def dont want to be the step parents i had but i dont want to b a door mat either..Im pretty sure my boyfrend knows it upsets me but i wanted to ask u all: what athority if any do i have over a 7 1\2 yr old..who isnt mine? whats the rite way to handle his mouth without looking like the evil step mom????

Comments

luchay's picture

Hi, Welcome Smile

Don't stress too much about how people see you (as dtzy says) you're already there regardless of how you behave. You could fart rainbows and you will STILL be perceived that way.

I think the advice dtzy gave you was great - talk to OH - tell him you want to have a discussion about your role as you feel unsure in a few things and don't want to overstep the boundaries.

Lay out your concerns (whatever you do DO NOT badmouth the child no matter how much you might want to LOL) Just express concerns use eg's that OH may have witnessed - say "I just want us to be on the same page, for example if {incident OH witnessed} happened and you weren't there - what would you expect me to do, I would want to do blah" hope that makes sense! Come up with scenarios and situations, and just in general rules and expectations, and then discuss how you both feel they should be handled. Lay out consequences so you BOTH know what the rules are and what will happen if they are broken.

Once you have your plan discuss it all with child so HE knows where he stands too. EG - sit him down and say something along the lines of how the situation is new to all of you so OH and you (ideally OH does the talking) have discussed how you want your home to work, and these are the rules for your house etc. Allow the child some input - discuss the expectations and ask what he thinks and why you have that expectation, ask what HE thinks some of the consequences should be (I find my dd's would be a lot harder on themselves than we are - always makes me laugh!)

Good luck. As long as you and OH maintain a strong partnership you *should* be able to negotiate all the hard stuff.

Loving Life 33's picture

Thanks so much..i def feel bettee reading both comments..it def confirms what i already felt..Its just i was wanting to make sure i wasnt over reacting or something..I def will starr tell my Step S that i dont like it when he speaks to me that way..I dnt speak to him that way..I let dad discipline 99% of the timr due to the fact hes never left with me alone due to our schedules..I want to so much to fall in lovr with this kid who will soon b 8. I dont want to force it though..I read a book bout step mothering..It stated that i shouldnt feel pressured or bad if I or He or
both dont ever say the L word...so i feel ok with that..but i want to like him and find something in common with him so we can do tjings together..After all as long as I choose to stay in this relationship my SS will b around.. I have tolerated him not eating dinner ive made..making messes...drinking from multiple cups and u mean um washing 20 cups a day lol..ive even put up with him always whinning n crying cuz he doesnt want to go to
bed..BUT what i dnt want to put up with is his mouth..especially cuz when he talks its like listening to baby mamma talk lol. Thanks fellow step parents..Im glad i found this site..cuz i have no one to talk to..and i mean no one i know is a step mom..its just me:)

luchay's picture

Oh Honey, don't ever feel pressured to LOVE the kid. It is NOT essential.

You may never achieve that, but let it happen naturally if it's going to.

I have the food issue here too (ss9 and sd12) it's a control thing. Mine will eat whatever dadddeeee cooks though Wink - so he cooks when they are here. Simple.

If the cups bug you - talk to your OH (yes it's a small thing - but I find that the little "petty" things grow into really annoying behaviours when there are so many of them!) So - deal with what you CAN change - the whiney BM talk - not a lot you can do if OH isn't onto teaching him NOT to whine. Using 20 cups? Talk to OH, say it's a small niggle but it bugs you, can we have a rule where he uses 1 cup and re-uses it? (I have 5 kids at home so I sure as heck have this rule LOL the skids had a hard time at first, but they are used to it now - easier for me though as I could say 5 kids getting a new cup/glass each time I'd be at the sink washing up all day LOL)

I guess what I am saying is pick your battles - work with OH on the things you CAN change and then the ones you can't won't bug you as much.

Good luck, and welcome again.

prettyinpink's picture

Run girl! Save ur self from the never ending drama before he knocks u up n its too late! This is probably not what u wanted to hear n I didn't read what they comented but I'm talking about experience.. I've been with my Hubby for about 10 yrs n the drama with everything having to do with her being my sk is still going on.. I wish u the best n sorry for my negative opinion n welcome to the site..

Loving Life 33's picture

Lol! wow vibrates...well i thank u all for ur advice..i dnt take it as negative i take it all as constructive..besides thatz why im on this site..i want to see read n listen to what other step parents know..im a newbie so any and all comments are welcome:) I fee like im alone in my real world life but online i def feel surrounded by many strong smart individuals..thanks everyone...parents aleays say my child didnt come with instructions...but i feel STEP PARENTS really didnt come with Instructions or manual lol..