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Step Mother in hell...

lovechild11's picture

I've come to this site to reach out to WHOEVER can give me some advise on being a new stepmother. I am 27 and have been in a serious live in relationship with my boyfriend. He has three children full time age; 14, 13, and 11. I also have my own daughter from a previous relationship who is 4.5. I feel like a totally awful person for not liking the youngest of his children. She is the 11 year old girl and if I'm being completely honest I almost despise her. A little background first, their mother is an on and off alcoholic/drug addict. They have not seen her since 2006 and rarely hear from her. My boyfriend was a marine and in the army and was married to her for 15 years. He is at a great time in his life and I really love him. Not only is he so good to my daughter he is the best father I have ever seen to his children. The problem I'm having is that the 11 year old is so clingy and needs attention so bad all of the time. She will fake headaches or say that things are always in pain or hurting so she can get attention from her dad and I. I am a person with a "personal bubble" and she is always hanging on me telling me she loves me about 100 times. She doesn't have friends and is always hanging on my boyfriend. It's to the point where the minute I'm sitting on the couch next to him shes right there on him. I can't even get 5 minutes alone to sit with my boyfriend! She also has this horrible habit of telling my bio daughter what to do like she is her mother and nothing makes me more upset than when I tell my daughter she can do something and then the 11 year old is right there telling her she can't. I am not stupid to the fact that not having a mother around her to teach her boundries and pay attention to her has really affected her. I am trying to be understanding to this situation and show her as much fairness and love as I can. I feel though that as much as I love my boyfriend that maybe I have bitten off more than I can chew. I do feel like sometimes I do not want to go to my own home and find myself finding other things to do. which in return is affecting my relationship with everyone else in the household. HELP!!


Auteur's picture

As long as your BF is NOT a guilty daddy, then the relationship can survive.

Does he buy into these ploys for attention?

daisy0202's picture

Its very hard I find with SD. My SD is 16 and does the same thing. Unfortunately and I hate to tell you this but as she is getting older it is getting worse. She is always tell her dad she is sick and he feeds it alittle which makes it worse. Ex. We went out for dinner and for 1 hour she had 3 different illnesses. It was crazy to the point that my BS 14 rolled his eyes..LOL...All I can tell you is try to ignore it. Its hard, agravating, and pisses you off at times but as I have learned getting 2 families together is SOOOOO HARD!!!!! My SD when she is with her mom will call her dad at least 4 times...She tells him she has 5 anxiety attacks a day so of course he is worried but when she is with us she will go in the bathroom come out say she had an attack and then sit with us laughing with her dad. We ahve not seen any of these attacks but her father believes her. Not saying she doesnt have issues because she does but anxiety I think is all about attention. Sounds just like what your going through. I wish you the best of luck....I feel your pain totally!!!!

dreamingofhappiness's picture

I had an issues with this as well... With the fake ailments. I sat down my stepkids and explained to them that if you are really hurting then let me know. If you are just wanting attention, let me know. But to fake a head ache or a belly ache just means that they are getting medicine that will stop helping when the real thing happens...

The clinging... I devote 15 of solo time with each of the children when they first come over. Then have them go do something. When it is night time and we are relaxing on the couch watching TV or something, I will snuggle up with them. But I explain to them that I need to do things as well, whether that means sit by my self or wash the dishes, so they need to find something for them to do.

If one of them complains of a real ailment, I make them go lay in their bed and rest. No playing etc. That has seemed to eliminate a lot of the clinginess because none of them want to lay in bed unless it is bed time...