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Bm in denial

Love15's picture

Hi everyone please bare with me because this is my first blog


i have been dealing with my SO Bm for almost a year now and she is refusing to change. She is money hungry and just keeps telling my SO that i am a temporary thing. She constantly uses the child to control him and I am getting fed up. She wants to try to control what goes on in our household from bedtimes and calling him everyday I'm the one that suggested we start getting him accommodated in his own bed so he has his own space and she has completely taken control of that in our house how my SO has to sleep in a tiny toddler bed (he is 6 feet)  with him till he falls asleep no matter what hour and so on. She continues to have so many bad affects on our relationship because she's trying to get in between even though she is seeing another person. It is a diff issues once a week and she will drag it out for the whole week till the next issue. Am I wrong for wanting to set her in her place after all the negative comments he is telling me that she says about me every day? I am ready to continue my life with him but I am starting to want to give up. I feel like my input will have her keep my SO son away from him and cause him to be depressed like she has before. What do I do? 


JRI's picture

I'm getting the feeling he doesnt have a custody order specifying set visitation times and child support.  It all sounds like its been a recent divorce, is that the case?  In any event, I would not be communicating with BM, let him do all that.  He shouldnt be repeating her negative remarks about you, either.

Getting things nailed down about visitation time will help you guys go to the next step which is realizing she doesn't have input into your parenting as long as the child is safe.  Conversely, you all don't have any say in what goes on at her house.  I'm sure the other StepTalkers will reply with suggestions about handling a high conflict BM (HCBM) like you apparently have.  Handling contact in a formal way, "grayrocking",  etc.

Now, here's a question for you.  On Steptalk, we often ask, "Has he done the work?"   That means, has the dad got a formal custody order, is he paying his CS, does dad have his house set up for a child"s visitation (frig, beds, etc), is the child used to visitation, are relations with BM ok.   Its hard on a woman to come into the step situation comfortably if dad hasnt "done the work".  Are you sure you want to go thru all the stress and drama if he hasnt " done the work"?

In any case, good luck.

superlado's picture

Is needed to alleviate the BM will withhold and bf gets depressed stuff. 
My SS BM has bad mouthed me for 11 years.  It no longer affects me because she's a horrid mother and a complete failure to launch.   When or if it did I would simply say to boyfriend do not tell me what she says.  She's your ex.  Not mine. Block her #, all communication goes through boyfriend always.   

Your bf is choosing to answer her pointless calls and follow her directions during his parenting time.  He chooses this.  So he's cool with BM having him by the balls.  Question is , are you ?

No do not reply to BM. She wants a reaction and all you're going to do is cause drama for you, your bf, and the child. Take the high road. 

Oh and why does he have to sleep in a toddler bed ? The father can make his own bed time routine in his home but chooses not to. You make him sound like a robot being controlled by evil BM when in fact he's a pushover.

I'm feeling feisty tonight but this guy is spineless and I'd be over him unless he has real trauma/mental health stuff from the break up that he's willing to 100% address.  

justmakingthebest's picture

Like the others said- a solid and clearly defined CO is your first step.

Yes, you are also wrong to "put her in her place" - not because she doesn't deserve it- but because that is your SO's job. HIS job is to make sure that this whole thing is not a burden on you. He needs to be the buffer. You shouldn't have to even communicate with her unless that is something that works for both of you (BM and you). 

As for bed time- you guys need to set your own routine and what she does at her house doesn't matter. Just like a daycare. Nap time is very different than bedtime at home, yet the kids still fall asleep right? Because they learned that it can be different at school than at home. Just like it can be different at daddy's house and mommy's house.

This isn't an easy life and not having kids of your own yet would make me say to proceed with caution. Love is not enough when dealing with a HCBM. You will spend tens of thousands in court over the up coming years, there will be tears and manipulation and fighting. She will try and do everything to make your life hell and will succeed- because that is just what happens. Only you know what you are willing to deal with. 

CastleJJ's picture

Our BM was like this initially. She didn't want DH back so it wasn't as much a jealousy thing as a control thing. BM refused to allow overnights until SS was 5. DH had been in and out of courts for years trying to get overnights but BM had every excuse to prevent it (SS having special needs, SS not knowing DH after BM withheld contact for 2 years, etc.) and the courts would agree. The issue is that our court order wasn't always clear and allowed too much flexibility. 

When DH did finally get overnights, BM texted DH daily to "check-in" on SS because BM was so nervous that SS wasn't in her care. The irony was that BM never cared for SS anyway; he was always dumped off with BM's parents or BM's brother. BM literally had SS one day per week and in the evenings after he had already gone to bed. After visitation, BM used to email DH "report cards" of all the things she disagreed with during our parenting time - SS staying up too late, SS eating dessert, SS playing a video game, SS watching a PG movie, SS getting a bug bite, etc. These emails would be pages long!

The straw that broke the camel's back was when BM sent SS to us sick and she had not sought medical attention. DH informed BM that he would be taking SS to the doctor and BM freaked out, accusing DH of committing insurance fraud with BM's insurance and a HIPPA violation claiming that DH was trying to access BM's medical records. Finally BM fessed up that she didn't trust DH to handle medical care and that she wanted DH to drive SS to her parent's house so they could take SS to the doctor.

DH said enough was enough and he took BM to court to get an iron clad court order. We showed the judge these "report cards" and the communication about medical care. The judge told BM that whatever happens on DH's parenting time is none of her business. BM ran out of that court room in literal tears and stormed off because her control was taken away. Per the CO, DH gets 6 weeks of visitation per year (long distance) and each parent is allowed to call SS twice per week during the other parent's time. DH can make medical and daycare decisions on his time as well. DH has since stopped engaging in any communication that does not require a response and even if it does, he gives a one or two sentence BIFF response. By not responding, BM has stopped most unnecessary communication because she realizes she can't use email to stir up trouble - it will just go ignored. Don't get me wrong, BM still tries to play the game, like she recently did with false abuse allegations, but not nearly as often. We went from daily issues and daily  communication to communication once or twice per month and minor drama every three to six months. It is so much better now. 

advice.only2's picture

Your SO needs to get a CO in place for visitation and follow it to the T! He also needs to stop relaying to you comments that BM is making about you. He needs to set boundaries with his ex and stick to them. If your SO chooses to do nothing and go with the flow to keep the ex appeased it would probably be in your best interest to move on.

hereiam's picture

Your SO is the one who is letting her take control of your household, HE needs to be the one to put a stop to it.

He really is the one who is causing problems in your relationship. For one thing, what good does he think it does to tell you all of the negative things that BM says about you?

Part of being in a relationship with someone who has kids, and determining if you want the relationship to continue long term, is to be honest with yourself about the dysfunction that is going on.

If he is willing to let the dysfunction go on, for whatever reason, this might not be the relationship for you. If he is more concerned with pleasing BM than you, that is a huge red flag.

Bm in denial

If he thinks he can have a successful relationship while letting BM call all of the shots, it sounds like they are both in denial.

ndc's picture

As long as your bf has a court order setting forth his time with his child, he needs to shut BM down, because BM has no say over what happens on dad's parenting time. I would have laughed (and DH would have laughed with me) if BM tried to tell him how to put the skids to bed.

At one point early in our relationship, BM (who is very into health and fitness) started trying to control what skids ate and drank in our home.  I told DH that wasn't going to fly with me and he put a quick stop to it.  We mostly fed the skids healthy, home cooked foods, including fruits and vegetables, and if we allowed the occasional happy meal or soda, BM didn't get a say in that. I think the key is to shut the BM complaints and directives down right away and consistently. Once BM knows she can't push dad around, she should stop if she's relatively normal.  If she has some kind of disorder, you might be in for a wild ride.

lieutenant_dad's picture

1.) It is not your place to put her in her place. If anything, you trying to reel her in is only going to make her more angry and controlling. She is your SO's problem and HE needs to tell and show her that she has no power of him, his relationships, and his household.

2.) Your SO needs to stop telling you about all the crap BM says. Tell him to stop telling you all the negative crap. It riles you up and makes the situation worse. Ideally, he would ignore her BS and only respond to items directly related to the health and wellbeing of his child.

3.) If your SO has a custody order, he needs to stick to it. Show up every time he has custody to pick up his child, file a contempt charge against BM if she withholds his son, etc. If he doesn't have a CO, he needs to get one stat.

You can't move forward in this relationship until he stops letting BM control him in the now. There are plenty of things he can do; he just has to not be afraid to do them.