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I made dh and his kids leave, now what?

Lordyme's picture

Please excuse my typos as i am typing from my phone. I guess I'll start from the beginning. Dh and I met after his divorce. I was not the other woman in anyway but dh still went over and did family activities and holidays with them. I put my foot down and walked away letting him know I left because I didn't want to stop them from being a family but for me personally, there wasn't room for a relationship when he was still married to his family. He chose on his own to back away and stop being a family with bm and he started being a family with just his kids.

His kids, he has 4. They are 2 boys, 11 and 7 and 2 girls 8 and 9. I won't say they weren't planned because dh knows how kids are made but he expresses suprise that each kid was conceived while bm was on the pill. Not that it matters now. Anyway, dh and I met 2 yrs ago and got married last year. We bought a 3 bedroom house and put all his kids in 1 room. We put 2 sets of bunks in there since we only had them 4 days a month. The other room was to be a nursery for our twins.

2 weeks before my due date, dh goes to drop his kids off with bm and she wasn't home. She didn't show back up either. We found out the next day she was on a cruise with her boyfriend for the whole week. Dh had to go buy clothes and school supplies for his kids because school started that Monday and they had nothing. I was so stressed out I went into labor and because no one was available to get his kids dh missed the birth of our sons. He was getting them from school.

I'm still pissed about that. He brought his kids to the hospital and left them in the lobby to come see me and our sons but the nurse made him bring the kids in. They touched my sons faces and were rough with them making them cry. His dd snapped her fingers in my babys face!! I wad livid and made dh take them out. He only got to see us when they were in school and then my mom got back into town and watched them in thr lobby. My oldest son had some medical issues so we were in the hospital 5 days.

When we got home, dh had left the kids with a teenager babysitter because he still couldn't find bm, the house was destroyed and smelt like burnt food. This was not the enviornment I wanted to bring my miracles home to. I took them straight to the nursery to calm down and relax in private but my beautiful nursey was gone. The walls were still painted but dh had taken all the baby furniture out and replaced it with his boys bunks and a dresser. My sons had to share 2 dresser drawers!! I was devestated and beyong angry. He put everything in the garage. When I asked him what the hell, he said cps had come by thr day before and said that boys and girls his kids age can not share a room and that 4 kids in a room is 1 to many. I told him they don't live here!! I was the stupid one though, dh didn't want to stress me so he just didn't tell me bm left town to follow her boyfriend to his new job. She just dumped her kids and ran.

I did my best to be a good wife and mother but it was to crowded and our home was sufficating me. I finally told him to leave in November. His kids had ruined my birth and when I came home to them I went into a tailspin. I didn't have post baby depression it was just to much and I didn't sign up for that. So dh and I have been apart 2 months but we spent most of December together. We didn't get to spend Christmas together because dh refused to get a sitter for his kids and I didn't want them invading my home again.It was tramatizing and I am still healing. January is different though. He isn't coming around as much saying he doesn't want to pay a sitter on top of chilf support to me and bm. Yes, he says he is paying bm child support even tbough they live with him. It deduces my child support but I can afford my kids although it does piss me off. I guess I am looking for advice on what to do. It may not seem like much but dh is the best thing to ever happen to me and I love him with all my heart. I need to find a way to make this work.

Comments

MurphysLaw's picture

“I made DH and his kids leave, now what?”

I’m sorry but the first thing that popped in to my mind was....

“I’M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!”

Why did you make them leave?

twoviewpoints's picture

You stated you made the decision and walked away, so I guess that's pretty much it except for the divorce.

Call your lawyer and get it going.

When you told him you were leaving and left, I'll assume you meant exactly that.

I'd ask why you married him if he was still running back to celebrate holidays with his ex wife as that is the reason you now state you walked away, but I guess it doesn't matter. I just figure if it was an issue after marriage it probably was an issue before marriage.

That's a lot of kids and all close together in age. Did you and your stb-ex have any additional children together? You'll want to establish child support , if so.

ETA:Hmmm, the original post seems to have gotten much larger since my first read. I suppose I'll read the rest now.

Lordyme's picture

It wouldn't let me type anymore. I had to save it and post the rest in the edit box.

Pear's picture

You either accept that your twin’s siblings are part of your household permanently or you divorce. Anything in between is just going to drive you crazy.

Of course he is not going to pay a sitter to come see you when money is tight.) He can see the twins with his other children during his parenting time.

Peanut575's picture

BM just up & left her 4 kids? That’s awful, this sounds like a terrible time for all of you TBH. 4 kids in 1 room does sound like a lot, and 8 people in a 3 bed would be crazy.

If he really is the best thing that happened to you, then you need to accept the baggage that comes along with him. It’s unfortunate their mother seems to have abandoned them, but your DH still has a responsibility to take care of them. Are you willing to take all that on?

There seems to be a ton of things happening right now, and I’m so sorry you had to go through your twins birth alone then home to a crazy mess, no SM would want to go through that & Id be angry too. At the same time, you kicked him out for a reason. Either you can handle it or you can’t, but unless Bm comes back it looks like this is what the options are. (((Hugs)))

mro's picture

My ex, and many, many other larger families growing up in the 50s and 60s shared a small 3 br house among 8 people. It wasn't that unusual then. No A/C either! His brother and his wife did the same with 7 total (5 kids).

Peanut575's picture

Good point! I’ve been spoiled with space the last few years & the thought of that arrangement stresses me out. But it’s a very good point. My mum grew up in a 5 bedroom house with 14 people living in it so I should have known better w that comment.

MurphysLaw's picture

“My sons had to share 2 dresser drawers!! “

You got to be kidding me....
CPS was there, why by the way? boys had to have their own room...the newborns are put in dresser drawers....Never thought to put at least one crib in the master bedroom...let me guess it won’t fit in there...
Your story sounds crazy!
Sorry for your troubles

mro's picture

As so many others have observed here, when you marry a NCP, there is always the possibility of your spouse getting full custody of the kids at any point down the road. I don't know if CPS was actually called, or by whom, but there are standards for how many people should occupy a room, not to mention older children of opposite sex sharing bedrooms. However I'm not aware of any law that says how many kids a parent can house in a bedroom in his or her own house.
Rental properties,foster homes, group homes, etc do have such laws, but that should not apply here. Depends on where you live. But I wouldn't put my 8 -9 year old girls in a bedroom with an 11 year old boy either, especially when a third bedroom was available. Sounds like this all came on you so fast. I guess you have to decide if this marriage is worth working out. Sounds like not if you are blaming his kids for ruining your birth. It's not their fault and if you feel they are invading your home, you and your DH don't sound like a match. Not that I blame you for your feelings. If you do decide to make a go of it can you move to a larger house? If you spent most of December together, where were his kids? Did BM come back?

I think we all want to know, were your babies sleeping in the dresser drawers, or were you using them for their stuff?

Harry's picture

You need a new place to live and a much bigger place like 4 to 5 bedrooms
You Should notify police and make a report that BM is no where to be found. Have her arrest for abatement
You are going to have SK full time the. There have to be changes, each SK should have a chore, like cleaning, washing, cleaning up after diner
You should get big blow up mattress for Step kids, put them in one bed room with a divider in the middle. Then the step kids will not be in the same room.
Then really fix up your bios room with all new things, car beds, etc

MurphysLaw's picture

“I think we all want to know, were your babies sleeping in the dresser drawers”

That’s what I thought she meant!
Just figured she was in the Appalachians? My neighbor put her babies in dresser drawers 45 years ago, that was the story she told me, never heard of it before!

thinkthrice's picture

I was taken home to a dresser drawer--it was quite common back before child worship started in the 80s. Children were just part of the family not the center of it. Ah the good old days!!

Disneyfan's picture

Stop the foolishness.

People who put their kids in dresser drawers did so because the could not afford cribs or bassinets.

Making sure your child is provided with basic necessities~ LIKE A BED~ is not kid worship.

Livingoutloud's picture

You forgot to add that it’s BM brigade that demands children sleep in beds. It’s apparently a luxury and kid worshipping. Ha in
Some families Kids were put to dresser drawers rather than cribs or beds due to poverty. Not some kind of sophisticated deep reasons. It’s simple as that.

blueskies4me's picture

I spent time in a drawer initially. I was a pretty tiny baby, too. Hell, there weren’t even car seats 40+ years ago.

mro's picture

I've been known to do that in a pinch. But I admit when I read that I assumed they had only 2 dresser drawers for their stuff!

I agree it sounds weird. CPS doesn't just "drop by". DH might just be pulling her chain. I'd ask for the full report (there would have to be one) with the name of the accuser and the recommendations in writing.

twoviewpoints's picture

Sounds like the teenage babysitter ratted the family out. A lovely all set up nursery, a nice master bedroom and then 2 boys and two girls smashed in and boarded like a military boot camp. Wink

MurphysLaw's picture

Right!
And if the BM abandoned them, the court would award full custody to the father on the spot and start CS proceedings...with or without the BM present.

FrenchPeas's picture

I will never understand how you can say he’s the best thing that ever happened to you but you have had nothing but stress since you met him. I guess get your divorce. It’s not going to work out. Too much mess.

Peanut575's picture

I’ve never understood that either.. I’ve seen a few women lately say things like this & I don’t get it. If he’s your dream man shouldn’t he be treating you better? I read a post earlier today where the posters DH said ‘if you don’t like it you should leave’. That’s your dream man & soul mate? :?

MurphysLaw's picture

My SO ain’t the worst...but he sure ain’t Keanu Reeves either...

FrenchPeas's picture

LMAO you kill me. Hahahaha

I’m sure you can think of something since he’s the love of your life.

MurphysLaw's picture

I don’t believe I’ve ever said my current SO is the love of my life... I love him & care about him, but “love of my life” or “soulmate” Nah....

Pear's picture

I would assume that the H reported the situation to cps. Not to report his own home, but that mom abandoned the kids. He needs a paper trail to prove abandonment so he can get custody and get child support reversed.

DisengagedSm54's picture

I too am always confused by posters who tell these godawful stories about their situations and then insist that their DH is the best thing that ever happened to them.
I am sorry for your situation Lordyme, I can’t imagine your surprise, disgust etc when you arrived home to find your lovely nursery gone. You didn’t mention whether you have other bios, if these babies are your firstborn, it was and is incredibly sad for you. My oldest is now 40years old but that nursery ranks right up there with wedding gowns, proms, graduation. It’s a first and should be an exciting time for you and your DH.
I know that your DH had some pressure on him to make emergency arrangements for his children, but that being said, marriage is a partnership. Why could he not talk to you before making these arrangements without your knowledge? This would be a huge problem for me.
I have had to deal with some crappy situations in my first and second marriages. My heart died a little with each of these little “surprises”. Both of my husbands did things behind my back, not other women but expressly went against what they knew I wanted. I stayed with the father of my 3 children for 27 years, but finally pulled the plug because of his controlling ways, it became “his way or the highway” and it was so gradual that I didn’t realize it until my children were almost grown. #2 was so enmeshed with his only daughter that I was finally forced to divorce him also. I was married to him for 12 years. I am somewhat stubborn and do not give up easily. I will tell you this though, I regret not putting an end to it sooner in both cases.
If you are able to care for your children financially, you might consider divorcing him. He has 4 children and a flaky BM. Only you know what is best in your situation. Take care of yourself and those precious babies, they don’t deserve to come last in line because of your DH and his flaky EX.

oneoffour's picture

So you married a man 2 yrs ago. Got pregnant. And he already has 4 children he is paying CS for. Didn't anyone tell you that you are only ever one breath away from having the skids moving in with you? All it takes is an AWOL ex or a sudden death. And now his ex is AWOL and he still pays CS? WTH? Why is he still paying CS to an absent mother?
So where did the babies cribs go? Couldn't you use one crib to top and tail the little ones?
As for the children's reactions to the babies... one would think this conversation would have been had beforehand. What the rules are. How little the babies are. 4 kids in the room with 2 babies would be a fair amount of noise. And if the children haven't been told how to behave you cannot blame them for their behavior as much.
If you are for real and you are smart enough to be self supporting then you should understand that DH cannot leave his other children. Your boys have you and him. Right now his kids only have him.
If you want to make this work you need to move into a home big enough for all of you. That means a minimum of 4 bedrooms. OK, so this isn't your dream. You had this dream of his kids 4 nights a month and raising your boys with your DH. Now DM has dumped her kids on her ex and he is left with 6 kids to take care of, 4 who are to all intents and purposes motherless. Things happen to us all and it is how we handle it that speaks to our integrity.
I really think the concept of the skids coming to live with you never ever occurred to you. You had this dream life and due to BM and her big F.YOU to you and DH you have been dealt with a bad hand. How you manage it hereon in is up to you and the person you really are deep down.
I still find this a hard situation to believe.

Livingoutloud's picture

Here we go again: “I am married to a total jerk and a loser but he is the love of my life and the best thing that ever happened to me”. Whatever happened to empowerment of women? And why being married to jerks is the best thing in their lives?????

Cara1128's picture

First sorry that these things happened to you and hope things get better for you and the twins.
Most important: BREATHE...hold your babies and relax...BREATHE some more.Take advantage of this time w/out dh to enjoy your babies.You have the luxury to only worry about them and you.
Then:
1. Some things in your dh story do not add up. Based on what you said in your story I think he was lying about some things.
2.The moving of your nirsery was an a**hole thing to do in my oppinion.(did he know she was leaving and wait for you to be in hospital to move his kids in...hmmm...).If she juat up and left her appartment is still vacant with all their stuff in it( beds included...)Is he living there now? Cps should visit where they were dwelling with her not him plus they usually give you some time so he couldve afforded to give you some time after the birth.
3.Sounds like you are just thinking in retrospect with rose colored glasses about this man. If you want to work it out you not only have to get VERY REAL about the Skids but also about what kind of treatment you are willing to take.(do these 2 things BEFORE starting this convo with him).
4. The bm being gone gives you(&dh) total control about how to raise these kids. Take advantage of this silver lining and erect YOUR BOUNDARIES then enforce them.
5. Inform yourself. Many posts on here about disengaging and how successful blendeds do it. Read them.

Lordyme's picture

My children don't sleep in drawers. They had to share 2 drawers for all their clothing. We had a co sleeper in our bedroom for them to sleep as newborns and that is where they slept while his kids used their nursery. Dh is a great guy who was delt a bad hand. He wasn't expecting bm to dump their kids on him. He fought and fought for the 4 days a month he got. Bm is high conflict and tried to keep the kids from him. He is amazing and my soul mate. Neither of us expected bm to ditch their kids. I am self supporting but in order to live my life the way I planned out, good schools, house for my kids ect. I can not sell my house and buy another one with dh. We bought this from A foreclosure in an amazing neighborhood and the best school district! I can't afford another house on my own with in the same district. We looked. I refuse to depend on dh for money toward a new house because if we split over his kids I can't risk not affording it on my own. Dh and I are great together. Our only issue is his kids and that bm ditched them.

twoviewpoints's picture

The non-custodial parent suddenly getting the children is something all NCPs (including any new spouse or partner they may have since custody decision was made) that must always be a consideration. The mother could be in a deadly accident or come down with a fatal illness at anytime.

Or the custodial parent could simply do what these children's mother did, up and flee leaving the kids behind.

Now you know and there really isn't anything your DH can do to force BM to come back. Someone mentioned above about having BM arrested, however she left the children with their father, she didn't just dump them on a street corner. Your DH made four children (pretty darn rapidly) with this woman, he should have been prepared to take care of his children at any time. Nothing can be so predictable that nothing will never change.

You now either have to accommodate these four children, along with the two new babies, or yes, you need to move on. The stepkids aren't going away. I suppose if you are staying and your family is stuck in this particular home, you could purchase a pull out sofa bed for yourself and your DH to sleep on and give the twins one room, the boys one room and the girls one room. Maybe not your choice of an ideal solution, but your husband and you now have six fulltime children.

blueskies4me's picture

Or be a feckless, irresponsible, rotten whore that decides to ditch her kids.

I think it’s “funny” the rotten Biowhore fought to keep the kids away from their Dad but dumped them the minute she found some apparent rich d*ck.

What a horrible, rotten excuse for a human being!

oneoffour's picture

Maybe this is one of those times when your 'plan' for your life doesn't go exactly the way you planned. It happens. One of your boys could have been born with a birth defect which would mean you giving up work. You could have had a stroke post delivery. Your home could burn down. A million little things could happen every single day that has us walking down a new road.
So actually you CAN afford another home. You just don't want DH (the man who is amazing and your soulmate and the father of YOUR children) to put any of that CS money into a home so you can all live comfortably and together. So this is about you keeping your dream of your own home and motherhood and not so much about being a stepmother and a wife.
I am sorry BM dumped her kids on you. But look at it from their eyes. Their mother walked out of their lives. She is lost to them. They want their normal life back. They want their mother. Instead they moved into your home and you threw them out a month or so later.
One day your little ones will have a stepmother because I am sure you will not be like BM and keep your boys from their father will you? And I pray their stepmother is more grown up and accepting of the things that can mess up our lives than you are.
You and DH are great together as long as things work out the way you want them. When something happens that mean changing your plans instead of pulling together and working as a team you pull apart. Not so soul matey of you is it? These are called fair-weather soulmates. Awesome and fine when things are good but fall apart at the first road bump.

Lordyme's picture

Dh called cps to report bm for abondoning the kids. They came out to the house and they told him the boys and girls were to old to share a room and that they only like 3 or less in 1 room. He needed evidence bm ditched the kids so the police officer he talked to told him to report it to cps.

Lordyme's picture

I didn't delete any comments. I didn't know you could. Thanks for letting me know that!

twoviewpoints's picture

On this side of the site (the blogs) you control what is posted. Meaning , yes, you can delete replies. Sometimes the site admin. will delete an inappropriate or rule breaking reply.

If you post on the forum side of the site, you can't delete, but you can ask admin. to look to review something and they might decide to delete for you.

If you choose to delete a comment, you do not have to justify nor apologize for doing so. Look at the front page of blog side. There is a message from the site admin. moderator (Dawn, the puppy with cute little glasses) you can read on deleting comments.

lieutenant_dad's picture

You only have two options. First is to accept that your DH now has his kids full-time, so if you want to be with him, you'll have your stepkids full-time. Second is to get divorced, or live separately as husband and wife.

Neither option will allow you to live your life as you had planned since BM ditching the kids was never part of the plan. Keeping 4 kids in one bedroom was never going to be a long-term solution, either, especially as they became teenagers. Eventually, your boys were going to have to share a room with his boys, or some other solution was going to have to be made. You can't keep teenage boys and girls in the same room together (well, you can, but I wouldn't).

Your DH did what he felt he needed to do. Was he wrong? Eh, sounds like good intentions with very poor execution. I don't know if I would call that "wrong" so much as "horribly misguided and dumb".

You can't change the stepkids living with their father. You can't make BM come back. The only thing you CAN do is decide if you want to live with all of them or not. If not, you know that you're kids will be splitting time with you. They will be living with their siblings part of the time. They will be sharing a room with their brothers. The only real difference I see between how they will grow up is whether they will deal with this all the time with you and dad, or part of the time with only dad.

It's a raw deal either way. However, it's reality. You can to decide if it is worth it or not. If it's not, then leave and divorce. If it is, then move them back in and figure out a new plan for the future. Either way, your plans are over and new ones have to be created.

marblefawn's picture

The timing was unfortunate. I feel bad for you. If you think your twins had it bad having to share a drawer when they were a day old, think about his kids being abandoned by their mother. His kids are old enough to know what's happening and they won't forget it and it will leave a scar like nothing else they experience.

The situation was suddenly foisted upon all of you, so no wonder it exploded. I'm not sure why your husband wasn't up front with you about what was happening while it was happening, but you need to set him straight: no more secrets and no more unilateral decisions. You're a team. Half the team can't be kept in the dark.

You bought yourself some space and time by kicking him and his kids out. If you're set on making this work, it's time to get to work and figure out how. Why don't you and husband figure out the logistics, rules, and budget, from separate households? You can take your time that way and things won't be getting worse while you're trying to figure out a plan. You can ease everyone into a merged household when you're as ready as you can be.

This isn't going to be easy and it's not what you planned. But you haven't even had a chance to do this the right way thanks to how it suddenly happened. Maybe with really good planning and a team approach, you can make it work. With BM out of the way, at least you won't have that interference. It sounds like you really love this guy, so I don't know what choice you have but to put your all into it and give it a go.

Those kids really need their dad. They have no one else. If he were the type of man to turn his back on them, why be married to him? Who would want a man like that? But that also means you're stuck being part of his drama. Who knows? Maybe you can be a hero to his kids too. They sure need one right now.

Lordyme's picture

Somethings I didn't mention in my origional post because it had gotten to long. Bm is willing to take their kids back but it has to be where SHE lives now and dh isn't willing to let them go. She knew dh wouldn't let her take them without a fight so she dumped them hoping he would change his mind. Now dh is living by himself with his older kids while our 2 sons and I live here. I think he should let them go live with bm. I'm frustrated because i did everything right and im having to pay because bm wanted to follow her boyfriend. Dh hadnt taken our kids, he comes here to see them. I've talked to bm and she wants her kids back.

oneoffour's picture

Oh please. You want your fairytale life with minimal contact with skids as possible.
BM is high conflict yet you are talking to her? She thought her ex/your DH was going to just do what she wants when he has already fought for the time he had with his children?
If you convince DH to let his kids go to live with their mother ... don't see this happening.
Actually the twists and turns in this story escalate every time you post. I cannot believe anyone is so selfish and immature as to ask her husband to abandon his other 4 children (you know, the kids he fought for) when he already holds the upper hand because she wants her perfect little intact family.

Lordyme's picture

It's not abondonment when they live with their custodial mother. There is nothing wrong wanting my life to stay the same as it was and what was promised. Dhs kids need to be with their mother. I am not their mother nor will I act like it. They are her responsibility not mine. Her mother wants the kids also. Why not let them live with a woman who can nuture them like they need. They are an inconvience to me. I married their dad with the understanding i only had to deal with them 4 days a month.

Disneyfan's picture

Keep doinf what you're doing. It sounds like your husband is slowly viewing you with a new set of eyes.

Moving out of your home was the best thing he could have done for his older kids.

Lordyme's picture

I agree with you. Moving out with his kids is best. I didn't make them so I won't raise them. I am woman enough to admit that 6 kids is to much for me. That's why I didn't have SIX!! lol right??

ETexasMom's picture

Then you should have never married him. End of story. Get a divorce. Your husband would be a horrible father to leave his children because it's inconvient for you.

momof3smof2's picture

It's also not abandonment by mom when the kids live with their father.

Your husband wants his kids with/near him. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is admirable. Your feelings are irrelevant. He's being a parent to his kids. They are HIS responsibility.

blueskies4me's picture

You are correct; they are not your responsibility and they should be with their rotten Biowhore at least 50% of the time. Unfortunately, the Biowhore is playing the PAS game it looks like and screwing up her kids but ditching them then crawling back into their lives. I’m so sorry and I can relate.

Pear's picture

How could you respect a man who was willing to let his children leave without a fight? Is that really the type of father you want for your own children?

Lordyme's picture

Bm is high conflict but a good mother. Her kids were always clean, well fed and do good in school. I would respect him more if he allowed his kid to live with her because that would put our little family first.

Lordyme's picture

Right and he could see those 4 MORE then he used to by letting them move with bm.

FrenchPeas's picture

This is just about you wanting what you want. Life is NOT like that. You can’t script life. And if you’re miserable with your life, you cannot manipulate it and people to suit yourself. That is not how any of this works

momof3smof2's picture

Or he can have them as the primary parent. Would you be happy seeing your kids 3 times a year?

ETexasMom's picture

Your DH should not give those children back to BM!!! She just up and moved without her children for a man! Why in the world would any parent give their child to a person who just proved they do not care about their child's best interest or safety. How acary if your husband gave them back and she ran off and left them again in another place! At least with their father they are safe and he is concerned about their safety!

Lordyme's picture

I'm a strong woman who doesn't let anyone push me around. I do what is best for ME and MY SONS. What id best for dhs kids is NOT my CONCERN. They don't factor in any decisions I make. Dh is a good fathsr to them and to our sons. I am having a hard time with the fact that he changed our life from what it was to this mess. Bm's mom has offered many times to keep their kids. She has offered to raise them and let dh keep his eow schedule without paying child support. This would allow dh to move back in with me and still see his kids like before. He'd even have extra money to spend on them since bm's bm is well off and said she wouldn't take child support. She is pissed bm left them here.

Disneyfan's picture

You are mad because you husband is refusing to dump his responsibilities on someone else. :?

You are nuts. It is nit grandma's responsibility to raise and support your husbsnd's children.

Hopefully, your husband will go ahead and file for divorce.
If he's lucky, his next wife won't be so hell bent on pushing his kids out of his life.

Lordyme's picture

What is it wrong to ask for what you want and what uou can handle? I can't handle his 4 kids and I don't want to. Would it be better for them to live woth a mom that loves them and see their dad a few times a yr or live with a woman who doesn't want them and see their mom a few times a yr?

Lordyme's picture

Dh is in the perfect spot to demand a new custodial agreement and get all the time he wants in exchange for letting them go live with bm. It would be MORE time then he has now it would just be in bigger lumps then 4 days a month. He could get spring break, summer, fall and winter breaks. Why wouldn't he want that so he could come back home to me and our sons? He gets more time now then he would have if bm didn't move away. More time!!

lieutenant_dad's picture

Because fathers love their children as much as mothers do.

Your DH doesn't want MORE time. He wants to be FULL time. He wants to see his kids every day like he isn't divorced and sharing custody. He has to share, though, but right now he has the option of being as full time of a dad as possible.

You are wrong to ask him to give up time with his kids. You are wrong to tell him to send them back with their mother. You're not wrong in wanting to raise, but if you were that adamant about not helping a man with kids, then you shouldn't have married a man with kids.

This is an unfortunate thing that happens. It's unfortunate for all involved. Your DH is very right to keep his kids and keep them safe from a looney tunes BM who dumped her kids and is now using them as pawns. A mother who loves her kids and has their best interests at heart DOES NOT DO THAT. Those kids WILL NOT BE BETTER with her. They will be better with their father.

Yes, you are fully allowed to mourn the loss of a life you wanted. However, the life you wanted was unrealistic, and any promise your DH made to you was made in error and outside his control. You can cry and beg and plead for your promised life, but that's not an option. If your DH sends his kids back, he'll regret it and parent out of guilt. He may resent you and you'll end up divorced anyway. Really, unless you work through this together, your marriage is over.

Let this be a lesson to all here to not marry a man if you are uncomfortable from the get-go at the possibility of his kids living with you.

Lordyme's picture

Dh was happy with the 4 days a month he got. He didn't want them full time and he tried to find bm to give them back. He just likes having them here and going to school events. If bm lived here he would give them back so fast her head would spin.

lieutenant_dad's picture

So if he didn't want his 4 oldest full-time, why did he want you two to have ANY full time?

It's one thing to give in and accept it when fighting gets you nothing. It's a coping mechanism of sorts. But when you get handed the thing you fought for, you tend to fight to keep it.

Your DH didn't want his kids only 4 days a month. He wanted to not deal with BM, and he dealt with the four days he got.

That, or he really is totally fine only having his kids 4 days a month. If that's the case, why on God's green earth did you decide to have full time children with him?!

FrenchPeas's picture

Wow. Just wow.

This is some crazy mess. Guess you’re going to come to terms with your new situation.

Now exBM dumped her teen boys on the sidewalk at school while their dad was gone working. She had tried to dump them on me the day before but it was her parenting time and the dumping was her plan with OSS. It didn’t work. I knew what they were doing. Now you have young kids dumped by their mom. She had a plan but she miscalculated their father’s response. And she knew what you would do, too. Neither of you predicted what he would do. He’s showed you both, didn’t he?

Lordyme's picture

I think he is doing what society expects him to do. If he doesn't change his mind, I'm hoping bm will keep then after summer break and not let dh get then back. I'm also going after dj for as much child support as I can so he won't have the money to fight bm and our little family can go back to being us. I'm not a horrible person for not wanting to raise bms kids, i just didn't sign up for it and I refuse to sacrifice my time with my children for hers. I am more than happy to do it for breaks and summer but that is it.

FrenchPeas's picture

You’re a manipulative little gal, aren’t you?? You’re not sacrificing your time with your kids. You’re being really rotten about their father and his time. YOU KICKED THEM OUT! YOU did that. You didn’t even attempt to work with him at a crises point in their lives. It sucks for you that he’s being a good father to his four kids. But man, he can’t pick women to save his life.

This poor guy. He’s tangled up with two horrible and conniving women. Both of them are using his kids as pawns and jacking with him on a very low level.

Lordyme's picture

Oh I tried!! I tried for 4 months! It was to much for me to handle and I was miserable. So I put me and my boys first and I told him his kids had to leave. He could have given them to grandma or bm.

beebeel's picture

And which of your twins would you give up if your husband demanded it?

beebeel's picture

If you did everything right, why did you have to kick their father out of your house? Your kids do not live with their father and that was entirely your choice and your doing. That doesn't sound "right" to me.

Disneyfan's picture

You think financially raping a man will make him come back to you??? That's not how it works. LOLOLOL

Lordyme's picture

Not raping him. Just making it harder for him to afford a laywer to fight bm. I can afford my kids without his money.

Disneyfan's picture

You don't have to have a lawyer to go court for CS, visitation or custody.

Making it harder for him to get custody of his oldest 4 will not make the man come running back to you. If anything, if will make him hate you and resent the 2 kids he had with you.

The next woman in his life will definitely hate you and your kids.

Pear's picture

You also realize that he may very well get 50% custody of the twins. Are you prepared to only see your children 2 weeks a month?

bananaseedo's picture

Yeah, but show me ONE dad who will take on 4 kids full time and 6 kids 50pct and I'll show you a unicorn farting glitter.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Listen, he loves all his kids and you need to accept that. Otherwise you picked the wrong man to have children with.

My husband ended up with his child full-time for the last eight years. It’s been incredibly difficult on all of us for a multitude of reasons, but at the end of the day I married him knowing full well he was already a dad.

New_to_this's picture

I just read your story and feel for you. You were dumped with a lot right when your babies were born. You never really had to spend lots of time with the skids and then they were dumped into your home just as you had to deal with twins. I can't imagine the hell it must have been for you for those months.

It seems to me that you are stuck in the games that DH and BM are playing with each other and your DH is afraid of losing the kids, so he'll do anything she wants. I'm well aware of these games. They did it to me when I gave birth and it's something that I still seeth about and I don't forgive DH for it. I remember crying in the hospital bathroom many times because I felt like I needed to leave DH, but I just had a baby and I felt like I was stuck with him because I couldn't manage the baby on my own. I was definitely suffering from some post-baby blues, but I had legitimate reasons to feel that way- DH and BM's drama was now my new baby's drama. I ended up just being a very angry person after that. I thought about leaving DH daily - he was completely on thin ice in my book. I refused to let anyone mention BM in front of me, including the skids and any of DH's family that came to visit us to see the baby. I'm calmer now and I'm fine about people talking about BM. I think DH may have gotten the point because the drama seems to have decreased, at least in front of me.

I can understand why you left your husband and also why you want to stay with him. I gave up a lot for my husband. I moved, so that we could live close to BM and in a bigger house for the skids. We also got the skids full-time for while. I ended up quitting my job because the commute was just too much. I have a lot of resentment. But, at the same time, I would have gone crazy and left my husband if I had to be confined in a small space with the skids, so the big house with the right layout saved our relationship.

If I was in your position, I'd also hope for my husband to give up the fight and give the skids to BM. But, if you know your husband is adamant about taking the skids full-time and you want to be with him, I think you have to move to a cheaper, bigger place for your sanity. Good luck to you.

Acratopotes's picture

I really do not see the problem, You where not happy and you asked him to leave, he left.

Next step is filing for divorce and getting CS, then put everything behind you. This man loves his prior family more then you and the twins, except it and move on with your life.

DH can find an alternative place to stay seeing BM is not there anymore, he should also stop paying CS for the children with her, cause they are not with her, immediate CO to get it stop and her to pay him. But that's his problem not yours cause you are done with this man